He rode a black chocobo
or
The vamp, the megalomaniac, and the Cid
Concept by Imp MayhemWritten by Kal
A couple of figures can be seen in the distance. Soon, we see it is a young man riding a black chocobo. The two revolvers at their holsters where one in each side, a black cowboy hat covered his eyes from the sun.
"WAAAAAAARRRRKKKKKK!!!"
Vincent turns to see what would it be this time. Red had insisted that, if he was going to be his "associate", then he should have the same benefits as him. That included his own chocobo to ride. But, Red didn´t think that a Chocobo would be more than scared of carrying a lion-wolf beast on its back. Every hour, the bird would try to get rid of Red and escape.
"VINCENT, HEEEELLLLLLLLL...." Red then crashed against the floor. Hard. The chocobo then turned to see him, blowed a raspberry to him, and then ran away.
Vincent then dismounted of his chocobo, and got to where Red was licking his injuries.
"Red, why don´t you just accept the fact that you can´t ride a chocobo!?"
"Never! If I´m going to be one of these cool cowboys, then I MUST know how to ride a chocobo! And call me by my nickname!"
"Sigh. Okay, "El Diablo", let´s go. We are getting close to where Sephiroth "The mommy´s boy" is hiding."
"What? Wait, I can´t enter the town on foot!"
"Why not?"
"Because then people will think I´m your sidekick!"
"You´re my sidekick." Vincent mumbled.
"What did you say?"
"That we better hurry."
Two hours later they entered Nibel Town. As any western movies, it had a saloon, a sheriff´s office, and a general store. Red went to drink from a water cube. He was thirsty after walking under the desert´s sun.
"Tell me you´re not drinking the horses water." Vincent said.
"Why? Water is water, and I´m thirsty."
Vincent rolled his eyes. Then he went to the saloon. He was thirsty, but not at the grade of drinking the horses water. He went through the doors of the saloon. A huge black man was banging on the piano, and Vincent couldn´t tell if he was playing a song, or was trying to smash the piano to bits. He went to the counter and banged a fist on it to call the bartender.
"What will it be, homey?"
The voice appeared to come from nowhere. Vincent turned to search the bartender. But he didn´t find him. He was confused. Where was the bartender?
"Hey! Down here, silly!"
Vincent then bent over the counter. A little girl was there.
"Hi darling. Where´s the bartender?" Vincent said smiling.
"Am the bartender. What will it be?"
"You are the bartender?"
"Yeah. Usually, Teefa or my daddy are the ones who do it, but Teefa is missing, so I´m the one in charge!"
"And who´s your dad?"
"The one who´s playing da piano. He´s cool, isn´t it?"
"Umm, yeah, well... give me a glass of milk, please."
"One cow juice coming!"
Marlene went to get the milk, when Vincent felt someone was behind him. He turned to face whoever it was.
"Who the %"#$ are you? What the #$%"# are you doing here?" said a blond man with a star on his blue jacket with the word "Sheriff" engraved on it (just imagine Cid with his normal clothes, with a gold star and a brown cowboy hat).
"My name´s Valentine. Vincent "Bloody" Valentine."
"Well, I dont give a #%$$"# if you´re Vincent "Saint" Valentine. I´m Cid Highwind and I´m the godddamn sheriff of this town. What are you doing here?"
"I came here with my side... I mean, my "associate" to hunt down Sephiroth "The mommy´s boy" and take him back to Midgar city."
Cid dropped his jaw to the floor.
"Sephiroth!? "The mommy´s boy"? Here!? Oh, $&%#!"
"Yeah. Has something suspicious has happened in the town?" Vincent asked.
Cid scratched the back of his head.
"Hell yeah! A couple days ago, Tifa Lockhart was reported missing. Since then, my assistant Cloud Strife and myself have been looking for her, but we haven´t found anything. If Sephiroth is behind this, then she might be..."
"Has he tried to contact her friends to ask for money?"
In that moment, something smashed through the saloon´s window, falling before Vincent and Cid were standing.
"What the $$%# is dat, foo´s?"
Barret picked it up.
"It´s a dead fish wrapped in paper. How da #"#$ a fish could fly all the way from the ocean into dis saloon? And how it wrapped itself in paper?"
"Maybe is a flying fish daddy!" Marlene said.
"You´re right Marlene! And dat school teacher says you´re dumb!"
Vincent and Cid just exchanged a glance. Either Barret didn´t want to say his daughter she was wrong, or he was a total idiot.
"What does the paper say?" Vincent asked Barret.
Barret unwrapped the paper and readed it.
"I have with me miss Tifa Lockhart. I want 200000 gil delivered to me by Cloud, at noon. Don´t try anything or miss Lockhart will end like this fish!
Greetings, Sephy "The mommy´s boy"."
"$"$#%, this is bad!"
"Where are we going to find 200000 gil!?"
"We better do, foo´s or he´s goin´ to wrap Tifa in paper and throw her through the window of my saloon like dis here fish!"
Vincent was about to say something, but the sudden entrance of Red distracted him.
"Vincent! I saw Sephiroth outside just a moment ago! He left quickly, so I couldn´t follow him!"
"Who is he?" Cid asked.
"He´s Nanaki, but you can call him Red. He´s my, um... associate."
"He´s your sidekick then."
"I´M NOT A SIDEKICK! I´M HIS ASSOCIATE!"
Suddenly, Cloud entered the saloon. Obviously he was very agitated. He paused a couple of minutes before talking, trying to regain his breath.
"I... huff... saw... Sephiroth!" he said.
"Yes, it appears he has kidnapped Tifa. This guys here want to catch him for the reward." Cid said while pointing to Vincent and Red.
"Hi. What does Sephiroth want?"
"He wants 200 thousand gil to be delivered by you at noon." Vincent said.
"Where can we find that money?" Cloud asked.
"I don´t know. Don´t you have a bank here?" Red asked.
"We had one, but Rufus Shinra, the president of the bank, was accused of corruption and dissapeared with all the money about a year ago." Cid said.
"What are we goin´ to do, foo´s?" Barret said.
"I was on my way to ask Aeris, the flower shop owner if she had seen anything unusual, anything that could be connected to Tifa´s dissapearing." Cloud said.
"Well, then go ask her!" Cid said.
"Wait, we´re going with you. After all, there´s a reward I want to get." Vincent said.
"Then let´s go! Let´s mosey!" Cloud said.
"$#$&@! I´m the leader here! And you say it like a wimp! Let´s move, you #&$%%!"
Vincent, Red, Cloud and Cid got out the bar. Vincent whistled, and his black chocobo came running. Vincent leaped into the air and landed in the saddle. Cloud did the same, but he landed backwards. Cid, not wanting to be left behind, also whistled, and when he landed in the saddle, a crunching noise was heard, his face contracted in pain, followed by a string of curses.
Aeris´s shop was a strange sight, Vincent thought. Who would sell flowers in a town in the middle of the nothing? And where did she grow them? The terrain around the town was a desert, with almost no water nearby. Oh, well, maybe he was thinking too much about it.
"So, you say you haven´t seen anything strange lately?" Cid asked.
"Yes. As I was saying to Cloudy... I mean, Cloud, I´ve been here, minding my own business."
Cid exchanged a glance with Cloud.
"Well, miss Gainsborough, it´s well know by everybody in the town that you and Tifa are... how can I say this... not exactly the best friends in the world. As a matter of fact, you´re well-know for having big fights about who is Cloud´s girlfriend every day, between 2-6 pm on weekdays and 12-4 on weekends."
"That´s ridiculous. I mean, everybody knows that I am Cloud's girl. It´s that... that WITCH who insists on saying that she´s Cloud´s girl! As if he would pay any attention to her!"
"Well, you gotta recognize that Tifa draws a LOT of attention to her body... I mean, person..." Cloud said.
Aeris dropped a flower jar on Cloud´s feet. Cloud then started to bounce all over the room grabbing his foot.
"Ups. Sorry, I was a bit careless." she said with a grin.
"So, are you sure you don´t know nothing?" Vincent asked.
"Sorry. I hope that slu... I mean, Tifa will be alright."
Cloud had stopped jumping, and set his foot on the floor. Right on a mouse trap. Again he was jumping, grabbing his foot.
"Cloud, stop being a $%"##@@ and let´s go!"
Everybody got out of Aeris house. Cloud turned to say something to Aeris when he slipped on the "Welcome" rug of the entrance and landed headfirst on... a big pile of manure, that Aeris obviously used for her flowers. He got up, dusting off the manure. He turned to wave Aeris goodbye, and then mounted on his chocobo, trying to catch up with the others.
We see Sephiroth next to the entrance of a Materia mine. Sephiroth is in his usual clothes, with a black cowboy hat, and a toy horse at his side, and Tifa is tied up near him.
"MWAHAHAHAHA! Soon, that wimp Cloud should appear anytime soon!" Sephiroth laughed.
"He´s not a wimp! And he will not fall in your trap! He´s too brilliant for that!" Tifa said.
"Are we talking of the same Cloud? Because that guy still thinks two and two are three!"
"He will rescue me! And will give you a beating for kidnapping me!"
"Ohhh, I´m scared! Urchin´s head is going to hurt me! Damn, I better go hide under my bed, trying not to piss in my teedy bear boxers!"
Sephiroth laughed, his laugh resonating all over the place.
"Well, I gotta go. I have to go pick up my money! Then I will come back with that idiot of Cloud and I will throw you both to the Materia mine. Then I will dinamite it with THIS!"
He grabbed a bag and showed Tifa... a box full of soda cans.
"All I have to do is shake this well, open the cans,and you and your boyfriend will die in a explosion of soft-drink foam! MWAHAHAHA!"
He mounted on the toy horse, grabbing his Masamune.
"Aaayyooo, Silver!"
Sephiroth then began to, uh, "ride" on the toy horse and headed to the town.
"Alright, alright. We have to concentrate on how to rescue miss Lockhart. Where the $#%# is that #$%"# of Cloud!?" Cid said.
Cloud´s chocobo appeared running, halted, and Cloud fell from it, dazed.
"Well, everybody´s here. Now, anyone has any ideas?" Vincent asked.
"He will be here in a couple of hours. Where are we going to find 200000 gil?"
"Well, why don´t we just make a collect. It could be called: "Save Tifa" and..."
Cid smacked Cloud in the head.
"You %#&&@! That´s a stupid idea!"
"We have to think of something..." Vincent said.
How much money do we have, foo´s?" Barret asked. Everybody searched trough their pockets (except Red, since he has no pockets). They reunited 20 gil, a yoyo without string, an old "Top Gun" movie ticket, some empty bullet caskets, and some... stuff that looked like old bubblegum found in Barret´s pocket.
"You foo´s! We don´t have enough money to buy a toothpick, less ta pay Tifa´s ransom!"
"Can I keep the "mistery stuff", please?" Cloud asked, and tried to reach for it. "No, foo!" Barret said, as he secretly put it back into his pocket. "Hey, wait!"
Cid then went to his office, and went to the cell. There were Cait and Neko (from Secret of Mana) playing Scrabble. Neko has a poncho on and a mexican hat. Cait... well, he's on his usual clothes.
"A-a-r-d-v-a-r-k! There!" Neko said.
"Hey, that´s cheating! That word doesn´t exist!" Cait said.
"It´s not cheating! It does exist!"
"Does not"
"Yes it does"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"NO!"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"Gotcha!" Neko said.
"Oouhh!"
"HEY! Can I have your #"$@&& attention, please!?"
Cid had the keys of the prison in one hand.
"Now, here´s the deal, cats. You give me 200 thousand gil, and I will forget those charges of public disturbs, gambling, robbering, and using a lamp post as a bathroom."
Neko squinted at Cait.
"Hey! Dogs do it all the time and I don´t see any here!"
"C´mon, give me the money, and you´re free!"
"Hey, what about me? I know where you can find a fortune on Materia!"
It was Yuffie, who was in the cell right next to Cait and Neko. Cid just grabbed an electric cattle prod and shock Yuffie into being unconscious.
Neko then started to search in his bag. He took out a pez dispenser with the face of Al Gore, a Stradivarius violin, a lava lamp, a bowling ball with a skull inside of it, and finally, 200 jars full of cents.
"There! Now, can we go?"
Cid opened the door and kicked them out.
"Wahoo! The Meow brothers are on the game again!" Cait yelled.
"Cait, don´t ever call us like that again."
They quickly dissapeared down the road, ready to have new adventures... but that´s another story, and I´m being paid just to write this one, sorry.
"Well, we have the money!" Cid said proudly.
"Cid, I don´t think he will accept 200 jars full of cents! No one is as stu..." Vincent began to said. He then saw Cid.
"Then again, maybe it could work."
"What are we going to do?" Red asked.
At that moment Sephiroth arrived "mounted" on his toy horse.
"Alright, I come for my money! Show me da money! Show me da money!"
Everyone pointed to the 200 jars full of cents.
"What is that?"
"There are the 200 thousand gil. Now, where´s Tifa?" Cid said.
"Are you crazy? I can´t take those jars back to my secret lair at the Materia mine all by myself!"
"So, Tifa´s at the Materia mine?" Red asked.
"Huh? How did you know? It was supossed to be a secret! My associate has betrayed me! I have to escape!"
Sephiroth then began to escape "riding" away. Vincent whistled and his black chocobo came running to him, and he mounted it. Cloud did the same, but he took the chocobo on his arms and put it on his back, then began to chase after Sephiroth. Red just began to run after them. Cid tried to whistle, but he couldn´t. He tried again, but the only thing that came from his mouth was the usual string of curses. Then he walked to where his chocobo was, mounted it and tried to follow the others.
Sephiroth quickly "dismounted" his toy horse and went where Tifa was tied up.
"Well, miss Lockhart, I´m afraid your friends are coming here to rescue you. They´re more resourceful than I thought. So, I have to kill you."
Sephiroth then took his Masamune. He raised it above his head. He was going to strike. And then...
"SEPHIROTH!"
Vincent was there, pointing his revolver to Sephiroth. Cloud quickly got near Tifa and untied her. Cid just stood there smoking, as usual.
"You´re beaten Sephiroth! Or should I say: "SEPHY, the mommy´s boy"."
"Stop that! or I will tell my mom!... I mean, you´re the ones who are beaten!" Sephiroth said with a smile.
"Drop your weapons!"
Everyone then turned to see who it was. Aeris was pointing to Vincent and Cid with a large rifle.
"Cloud, leave that %$$## alone and come with me!"
"Aeris? What are you doing?"
"I love you Cloud, but you liked Tifa more than me! So I hired Sephiroth to kidnap her, so you would notice me."
"Aeris, you´re #$"# out of your mind!" Cid said.
"Yes, I´m crazy! I´m crazy for Cloud! Now, come with me and let Sephiroth finish this people!"
Cloud quickly went near Aeris.
"Cloud, you @%#"@! She´s the bad guy here!" Cid yell.
"Ups, sorry."
Cloud turned to face Aeris.
"Aeris, please! You´re not like this. What happened to that girl that used to give me a free flower everytime I passed near her shop? That used to explain me about the bees and the flowers, until I finally understood?"
Aeris was beginning to doubt. The grip on the gun was loosening. Cloud then used his trump card.
"The very same girl that gave me a free drink when all my money had been won by Cid in the poker?"
Aeris then pointed the gun in the middle of Cloud´s eyes.
"You... IDIOT! That was Tifa!"
"Well done you %#"#$! Now we are #$"@&!" Cid said.
After a couple of minutes, everyone was tied up together in the entrance of the mine. Vincent was thinking of a way to escape, Cloud was just trying to chew the ropes, Tifa was encouraging him, and Cid was cursing. Then Vincent noticed it... Red was not with them! He must have had troubles when we went up that hill, he thought. Now, if only he could get here in time...
"Well, everything is ready. Now Aeris, would you do me the honor of pulling the string that opens the soda cans? When that happens, the explosion will collapse the mine and they will be buried alive inside. MWAHAHAHAHA!"
"With pleasure."
Aeris took the string on her right hand. She looked at Cloud, who was still trying to chew the rope. Why, even when he was about to die, couldn´t he tell her that he loved her? Aeris took a deep breath.
"STWOP DIGHT DEGE!"
Red was behind Aeris and Sephiroth. He had a gun on his mouth, pointing to them.
"DELEASE DEM."
Aeris then untied them. Vincent then grabbed his revolvers and pointed them at Sephiroth as Cid was tying him. Cloud was comforting Tifa. Aeris just was stnading in silence, seeing them with envy.
"Well, Red, you did it. I must admit that I doubted you, but, at the end, you saved us all. Not bad for a side... I mean, associate."
"Thanks Vincent. Does that mean I get half the reward?"
"No. But I´ll call you by your nickname, "El Diablo"."
"Cool!"
The End.
"And... CUT!"
"Well, Kal, how was that?" Vincent asked.
"Beautiful! And the way Red saved the day... It was gold, I tell you!. This is going to be the greatest fanfic of all times. Right, Imp?"
"Yeah! I can picture the reviews! "Great sucess from Imp Mayhem and Kal superproduction!" "Imp does it again!" It´s great, I tell you."
"Well, then, where are our paychecks?" Cid asks.
Kal and Imp see each other.
"Umm, well, you see, this is what you would call a low budget fanfic. That was why Sephiroth didn´t have a horse! And we have to think on the cameramen, the writers..."
"So?" Cloud asks.
"Well, we only had enough money to buy a pizza to party after the fanfic was done, but Kal spent it on a slinky!"
"Hey, it´s a cool toy! Just see it go downstairs."
Kal takes the slinky out of his pocket and starts playing with it.
"So, we did it for free?" Tifa asks.
"Well, um, Imp, you better explain them... I... have to go to the dentist, bye!"
"Hey, come back here! Well, guys, what do you think? Can´t trust in anyone these days. That guy asked me if he could do the story and... hey, what´re you doing with that tar and that bag of feathers? Guys? No, please! NOOOOO! DAMN YOU KAL!"
Now, this is it.
The End.