I own nothing. Janet owns everything.

Note: For those of you who were confused in the last part-I'm Cindy. Yeah, sorry about that. Did you just think they were really stoned and making up people?

Night Off-Part three

9:20 pm

There was a knock at my door. Ranger and I had raced around the apartment and cleaned up the evidence. We were completely convinced they would never know. It was Ranger's idea to tell them we had pink eye.

I opened the door and Lester and Bobby burst in dressed in full night gear. They had their guns drawn and swept into the room in formation, Bobby down on one knee, Lester over his shoulder aiming at all the corners in rapid succession. Ranger started chuckling beside me. I looked at him. He had his eyes closed and was laughing but trying not to.

"That was so much better than I thought it was going to be!" He whispered.

Bobby and Lester looked over at us questioningly. I think they realized there was no immediate threat when they saw us laughing. Bobby frowned. He looked closely at Ranger and then glanced around the apartment. Lester was sniffing the air. They glanced at each other and holstered their guns.

Ranger screwed his face back up into his serious one. He even had frown lines in between his eyes. "Santos! Brown!"

Lester and Bobby stood in front of Ranger. They were still looking at us thoughtfully. I was still trying to stop laughing. Just when I thought I could get it together, I would see Ranger's lips twitch.

"We need you to help us with a situation. Did you bring clothes for us?"

Bobby nodded.

"Good. We are going to be securing a residence tonight. We need to first stop by a convenience store for supplies-"

I pulled his sleeve. "Don't forget Taco Bell."

"-and then we will be stopping by Taco Bell. This is imperative. Do you understand your orders so far?" Lester was starting to smile slightly but Bobby was listening intently.

Ranger turned around to me, his back facing the guys.

"Babe!" he stage whispered, "Babe, they're totally buying it. This is great!" He was grinning broadly. He turned back around and was stern again.

"Then we will be proceeding to Tank's house. This will be dangerous work and we may not all make it." Ranger made the grunt laugh noise and turned back around to me. "I almost lost it on that. Wait, I can get it…" He turned back to them, serious again.

Bobby leaned towards Ranger. "Since you have hired me to look out for your best interests at all times and to keep you briefed on all situations, I should tell you that when your turn around we can still hear you."

"Thank you, Bobby. I was not aware of that."

"No problem. Now do you want to tell us why we are really here?"

Lester was outright chuckling by this time. "Bobby, my friend, I think we are here because Rangeman needs a donut."

"I've had a donut."

Lester, Bobby, Ranger and I burst out laughing. The thought of Ranger eating a donut was too much. Lester swung his arm over my shoulders. "Girl, I never thought I'd see the day when someone could get our boy here stoned. You're alright!"

I was proud. "Lester, Bobby- we're going to toilet paper Tank's house. You have to help us. We can't drive." Lester burst out laughing and clapped his hands.

"I am so in! But first, steer me in the direction of whatever the hell you two are on. We only need one sober driver."

"Hey!" Bobby was pissed.

Ranger clapped Lester on the shoulder. "Come meet Billy. He's a little shy at first, but he warms up."

10:40 pm

We had all piled in one of the Explorers. Ranger and I in the back, Bobby and Lester up front. Lester had the radio cranked and was singing "I'm in Love with a Stripper" at the top of his lungs. Bobby was silent. We had already been to the store where Bobby was sent in to get 36 rolls of toilet paper and shaving cream.

We pulled up to the Taco Bell drive through.

"Welcome to Taco Bell. Can I take your order?"

"Yes, I would like-shhhh! You guys! I'm sorry. I would like 16 tacos, 10 of them hard and six soft- yes, I know nothing about you is soft. I got you hard tacos. Shit, Lester! Sorry about that. I also need 3 chili cheese burritos, one Frito burrito, a chalupa and a taco salad. Also- YES! I already said taco salad, Ranger. She heard me! Fuck! I'm sorry. I also need two large Cokes, a large Dr. Pepper and a Sprite."

"Thank you. That will be $32.67."

"Wait, I'm sorry. Apparently I also need some cinnamon twists. Okay OKAY! Three orders of cinnamon twists."

"$34.89. Please pull around."

11:10 pm

Tank had a fairly decent sized house on the outskirts of Trenton. We hadn't really looked at it yet. We were parked down the street. Ranger, Lester, Billy and I were still in the Explorer and it was a little hard to see out. Bobby was outside organizing the toilet paper. Bobby didn't like us at the moment.

We had changed into our black night gear. We each had infrared goggles and walkie-talkies. Bobby had attached GPS locaters to the three of us.

We got out of the car and lined up in front of Ranger. He was still the boss.

"Okay, team." He crouched down and got a stick. "Here is the game plan." He started drawing a complex diagram on the ground. Four minutes went by. Bobby finally spoke up.

"Ranger."

"Look! I drew my car."

"Shit."

Lester sat down next to Ranger and got another stick. He started adding women to Ranger's picture. They started chuckling.

"Hey!" I yelled. "I want to toilet paper Tank! Is that me? You made my boobs bigger. No, no. A little more cleavage." I sat next to Lester and got a stick. Bobby hung his head.

Ten minutes later we had drawn the entire Rangeman building and parking lot. Ranger and Lester had added women washing the cars. Lester looked around.

"Does anyone know where we are?"

Ranger and I were stumped. Bobby had been sitting at the curb kicking rocks. He stood up and came back over.

"We're at Tank's house, dumb shits! It's 11:30 at night and I'm ready to get this show on the road. I have three cinnamon twists left for the person who can get up the fastest." Lester shoved Ranger over on top of me and bolted up.

"It's me! It's me. Fuck, give them to me now, Bobby! I'm serious. And if anyone makes a move towards me it will be the last thing you do tonight." He had grabbed the twists and was backing away.

Ranger and I stood up. He pulled me to him smiling and kissed my head.

"I'm having a great time, Babe. Are you having a good time?"

"I'm wasted. Are you wasted, Ranger?"

"I'm pretty sure. Do I still have a left leg?"

11:50 pm

We were crouched behind a bush at the side of Tank's property. Ranger had finally outlined a plan and we had our missions. I was responsible for sector bravo in quadrant omega. I was just going to wrap the big tree. We started forward and I got out my roll. I was just about to toss it up when I realized the guys were just standing there, looking a little uncomfortable.

"Please tell me you know how to toilet paper."

"We never actually did this growing up, Bomber." Lester said.

"Okay, you want to cover as much stuff with t.p. as you can. If you want to throw it, unroll it a few feet so the weight of the t.p. makes it unroll as it goes. Then you can throw it over the tree and it will get t.p. on the top. You also want to shred it up into bits to put on the bushes. That makes it a bitch to clean up. Then we will write stuff with the shaving cream on his driveway and walk. It will stain it for a few days after he washes it off. Okay, go! Ranger, that tree is not in Tank's yard."

We worked for about 30 minutes. I was so focused on the tree that I didn't pay attention to the other guys. When I finally looked up, Bobby had done a great job on the bushes. Ranger had drawn a complex picture with shaving cream of Tank doing something inappropriate with what looked like some kind of missile. Lester had decorated two other trees, but he was not around.

"Anyone seen Lester?"

Bobby pulled out his handheld GPS screen. "He's around the side of the house." We trooped over and stared at the pile of Lester's clothes on the ground. I made a strangling noise.

"Oh no! He melted!"

"Babe, I doubt he melted. Maybe he got hot. Or he could have become really, really small." We looked down at the ground, afraid to take any more steps.

There was movement off to the left and Bobby went for his gun. Lester jumped out completely naked. Almost naked. He had totally wrapped himself in toilet paper.

"This is awesome! You guys have to try this. It feels like you're naked, but you're not!" Ranger started to take off his shirt. Lester bent down to adjust his leg and the t.p. ripped up the back causing the entire outfit to fall to the ground. We all just stood there staring at Lester.

Bobby started laughing. He laughed so hard he had to put his hands on his knees. Then he started clapping his hands while he laughed. Suddenly the lights inside Tank's house came on. Lula came charging out. She had on a zebra and hot pink camisole with a thong. Tank came out behind her, tightening a robe.

"What the hell are you doing? And why is this fool naked? Shrek and I were at a crucial point!"

We all looked at Tank. He was just smiling. "Yo."

We Yo'd back.

"You guys want to barbeque?"

2:25 am

Ranger and I walked back into my apartment. Our buzz was mostly gone. We had grilled and swam until late and then Bobby drove us home. We finally made Lester put his clothes back on for the car trip.

I was beat. We walked around and turned off lights. Ranger looked at the couch and raised his eyebrows.

"Come on, Batman. I'll share the bed."

We brushed our teeth and climbed in the bed. Ranger immediately pulled me to him, my head on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around me. I was instantly comfortable.

"Thanks, Babe. That was a great night off."

"Wasn't it?"

"Yep. Maybe we can hang out with Billy again sometime, if he isn't busy."

"I'd like that. Maybe in book Fourteen Janet will get it right."

"In more ways than one."

The End