Introduction:

Fuji Shusuke awoke in a room that was most definitely not his own. Three things confirmed this unpleasant reality…

Supporting Fact the First: the room Fuji awoke in was large, and painted a highly irritating shade of orange, with a shaggy rug in a complimentary cream tone adorning the polished mahogany floor. The room Fuji had gone to sleep in had been painted blue for the past fourteen years of his life, and, as far as he knew, had never once had a rug.

Supporting Fact the Second: the bed Fuji had gone to sleep on had been the normal, twin-sized bunk which he had slept on almost every night for the past fourteen years of his existence. Despite the luxury of the silken sheets, and extravagant size of the bed Fuji awake on, he found himself inexplicably uncomfortable.

Or perhaps his discomfort had something to do with Supporting Fact the Third: he was most definitely positive he had gone to sleep alone, yet somehow he awoke squashed under a large, snoring pile of his eight best friends, and tennis teammates.

Fuji Shusuke was not one to panic. He honestly believed that situations could easily be solved by calm, rational, quick thinking. Which would be why he only began to scream when the frigid arctic wind came gusting through the open window, rippling the curtain out of place, and revealing an expanse of ice and snow as far as the eye could see. This was not a situation; it was a nightmare.

Fuji's screech echoed through the Siberian house, sweeping along the hallway, down the stairs, and into the kitchen, where it rattled the teacup of Ryuzaki-Sensei.

She smiled, putting down her morning paper, and glanced toward the ceiling.

"Excellent! They're awake."

Chapter the First:

"…twenty laps…for unbecoming conduct…now…shut…the hell….up…."

The scream died on Fuji's throat as he turned under the heavy pile of still-snoring bodies (God, the things that his friends could sleep through!) to face something far more terrifying then an endless expansion of frozen Siberian wasteland; his very angry, very sleepy captain.

Tezuka was, for lack of a more fitting phrase, a colossal terror first thing in the morning. Fuji found himself staring at a bleary-eyed, messy-haired version of his friend, minus Tezuka's normal composure, and with a healthy dose of morning breath on the side. His face, normally devoid of all emotion, was now only too happy to exhibit the complete irritation he felt over his early, and rather inappropriate, wake up call.

Fuji gulped.

"Sorry, Tezuka…"

Tezuka's eyes focused as he heard Fuji's voice, his expression melting from fury into pure astonishment. Disbelievingly, he squinted his eyes, and pushed his face within centimeters of Fuji's own traumatized expression.

"Shusuke? Is that you?"

"Yeah." Fuji swallowed again, wondering if it would be rude of him to inch backwards. Really, did Tezuka even brush his teeth before going to bed..?

"What the hell is going on? Where are we? Who's on top of us? Why are we all-

OOMPH!!"

A foot had emerged from the pile of bodies and smacked Tezuka in the back of the head, bashing his face against Fuji's. Needless to say, finding himself with a mouthful of hair at 7am did little to improve the captain's already sour mood. He immediately spat out everything still connected to Fuji's scalp, and began clawing at his tongue to get rid of the loose hairs.

Fuji whimpered, checking his nose for blood.

"Sheesh, Tezuka, you should bathe more often. Your neck smells horrible!"

"Like you're one to say anything!" Tezuka managed to glare, spit, and talk at the same time. "You should buy a different kind of shampoo. Your hair tastes like soap."

"Well, duh!" Fuji hissed, blue eyes blazing. "That's what shampoo is, soap for your hair. You would know that, too, if you bothered to shower once in a while!"

"..sh-shut up…" Tezuka blushed. "It doesn't matter. Who kicked us, anyway? Hoi, you, wake up!"

Twisting backwards, Tezuka managed to find the offending foot. It looked fairly small, lying innocently on the pillow beside Tezuka's head. He seized the largest toe, and gave it a brisk tug.

"KAAARUPIIIN! BAD CAT!!!"

The pile of bodies began to shift as Ryoma wiggled his way free of the constraining arms and legs that seemed to be everywhere, and sat up, blinking dazedly at the boy who was both his captain and his role model.

"…you're not my cat."

Tezuka hastily dropped Ryoma's foot, too busy trying not to feel foolish to notice when Ryoma's foot landed on Inui's face.

"No, um, I'm not your cat, I, uh, I really didn't mean to-"

"There is a 98 chance that I am in serious trouble, because Tezuka is stuttering, which means that he has lost his composure. He has previously retained his composure while willfully destroying his own arm, playing billiards with Fuji, and drinking my Inui Juice. This tells me that there is a 2 chance of the situation involving serious physical discomfort. However, if we are grade on a scale where the degrees are valued as degrees of composure lost as a relative measure to-"

"FWSHHH. Shut up. You talk too loud."

"I'd know that stupid snake's voice anywhere. You know, you're not sucha quiet talker yourself. You wanna go? Right here, right now. C'mon, I'll beat the living crap out of ya! What's the matter, scared?"

"Fwshhhh. You're on."

"Hoi hoi, what's all the noise about? Did we have a slumber party last night? I LOVE slumber parties! This was such a great idea!! Nyaa, let's play a game before we all go home. I wonder which one? I'm best at twister, but no one else likes that…."

"Um, everyone? I'm sorry to be a trouble, but I didn't sleep very well last night. Could you please be a little more quiet? Just for a little while, maybe twenty minutes or so, oh, thank you Fuji……BURNING, BABY BURNING!! I SHALL NOW SILANCE YOU ALL WITH MY FLAMING SKILLS OF POWER!! C'MON BABY C'MON, IS THAT THE LOUDEST YOU CAN YELL?!"

"Nyaa, Momo-chan, strangling Kaidoh-kun isn't the kind of game I meant-!"

"Everybody, SHUTTUP!!"

Everyone complied, staring at Oishi with surprise. He glared back up at them from his current position as Fuji's footrest, his naturally kind face showing nothing but worry.

"What exactly is going on? Do any of you know?"

Eiji glomped him cheerfully. " We're having a slumber party, silly!"

"I kind of noticed," Oishi mumbled, unable to hide a smile at his friend's enthusiasm.

"Allow me to explain," an amused voice commanded from the doorway.

"Ry-Ryuzaki?" Fuji poked his head through a gap under Momo's arm. "You're here, too?"

"Of course." The tennis coach smiled evilly. "But it's not me that you should be thanking. Atobe-kun is really the one that you owe a debt of gratitude to. I saw him at one of the tennis tournements that I attended recently, and the moment he mentioned his idea for anew training plan for Seigaku, I knew that I couldn't let this opportunity go to waste. With his usual generosity, he offered to let us use his cabin in Siberia as the base for our new training camp. Now, first thing every morning, we'll-"

"SIBERIA???!!!"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: All right, everyone, review time! The story won't get any better if you don't comment on it. I'm doing a wacky version, but when I'm finished, if the plot line is good, then I'll write another version with the same story line, but more in character. Review for the next chapter, and I'll give you a cookie :D

Preview for chapter two:

"Team what?"

"Team bonding, Ryoma, team bonding. Every two days, you shall be assigned a new partner to 'survive' the week with. You may not speak to anyone except your partner. You must remain within sight of each other at all times. When it comes to things like bathing, you may take turns. One of you must wait outside of the bathroom door without moving or speaking to anyone else until your partner is finished. Atobe believes that it will diminish our intra-squad disagreement."

"Atobe isn't God, you know!!! He could be WRONG, and then you'd have dragged us out into the Siberian wilderness for NOTHING."

"Well, I suppose that it possible, Fuji. But at any rate, we'll all be much stronger by the time we finish his physical training, as well."

"He planned the physical training TOO?"

"oh, goody…"