It's Not You, It's My Boyfriend
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
-Written for BlackVelvetBand's Shunsui/Nanao challenge.
-A/N: This is a one-shot and my first piece of Shunsui/Nanao fiction (ooh, exciting! ha ha). I ship the couple, but I don't trust Nanao to stay in character for me. However! I'm going to try. La. Actually, the most difficult character to write was Ukitake. Please forgive my rather weak (at least in my opinion) portrayal.
This doesn't follow any particular prompt; even though there's a not a specific award for comedy (shucks, eh? heh), I decided to post this because it's a crazy idea and it was actually a lot of fun to plan and write.
Well... Enjoy, everyone!
(NOW FIXED.)
Falling in love with one's fukutaichou, Kyouraku Shunsui mused, was more problematic that might have been expected. He was used to chasing women - literally, if necessary - but he had no idea how to go about wooing a woman such as his lovely Nanao-chan. Flowers didn't work; poetry didn't move her; even his dashing good looks weren't enough to impress her. After long thought (and an even longer nap), he finally came up with what he deemed the perfect plan.
Make Nanao jealous by instigating another relationship, and make himself untouchable so she'd want him even more.
It was brilliant.
xxx
Ukitake blinked. "That's the most idiotic idea that has ever had the misfortune to come out of your head." He paused. "And I mean that in the best possible way, of course."
Shunsui pouted. "Who else can I turn to? I need my lovely Nanao-chan as I need air, as I need food, as I need sake!"
Ukitake stared at his melodramatic friend with rather marked skepticism. "As much as you need sake."
"Perhaps not quite as much as I need sake." He grinned.
Ukitake couldn't help a quick chuckle. "Regardless of your apparent need of her, don't you think that it would be best to approach Ise-san directly? I'm sure she - "
"Oh no, no, no," he said earnestly. "She has repulsed my every attempt at winning her affections! Oh woe, Jyuushiro; Nanao-chan will never be won over by such paltry tricks!"
"Such as being direct? I think it couldn't hurt to try it."
Shunsui pouted. "But... I spent all afternoon coming up with my brilliant plan. Do you really want all that effort to go to waste?"
"I think we have slightly varying definitions of effort." He sighed. "Be reasonable. Do you really think that your plan would even succeed?"
"Of course I do! How could it fail?"
"Would you actually like a list or was that question rhetorical?"
The eighth division captain ignored him. "Will you help me or not?"
Ukitake sighed. "This is asking a lot, you realize."
"But it's for a worthy cause."
"I'm not comfortable with deceiving Ise-san like this."
"And I'm not comfortable without my Nanao-chan in my arms." Shunsui pouted again. "Don't make a grown man beg."
"I wouldn't want to see a grown man pout, either, but it looks as if that's already out of my hands." Ukitake sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. "I still think this won't work. I'm actually fairly certain this plan of yours will make fools out of both of us. But..." With a roll of his eyes, he nodded in a gesture of relentance. "If you're really this upset over Ise-fukutaichou's inattention, then I suppose I could do this one favor for you."
Shunsui immediately leapt into a fit of gratitude. Ukitake sighed as his oldest friend gave him a quick, happy hug. Already, he was running through all the possibile holes in Shunsui's plan. Who was to say Nanao would even be jealous?
And who, in their right mind, would ever believe that he and Shunsui were gay?
xxx
Ise Nanao sat at her desk, finishing a few last-minute reports that had to be turned in at the end of the day. Her captain had gone out some hours early, and - as was typical Kyouraku - she'd seen neither hide nor hair of him since. That wasn't really unusual, but his parting words had been... a little confusing. He had chuckled and told her he was going to see Ukitake-taichou about his new "plan". Then he winked and was gone. Nanao shook her head. It wasn't part of her job to try to figure her captain out, so her policy was just not to ask.
There was one document, however, that needed his signature. Her eyes narrowed. Wretched, wretched, delinquent man - he was never there when she needed him.
Or... was he? Though she had thought he was still absent, she could suddenly feel his reiatsu. Grabbing her ever-present book and the documents in question, she went out in search of him. It was taichou-huntin' time.
"Kyouraku-taichou," she called, walking briskly towards his reiatsu. "Kyouraku-taichou, I have paperwork you need to complete."
She heard a door slam down the next corridor and quickly picked up her pace.
"In here, Ukitake," she heard her captain say in a rather loud whisper. "I feel Nanao-chan coming!"
Now that was interesting.
Shielding her reiatsu, Nanao crept closer, wondering what in the world Kyouraku-taichou was doing.
"Why are we in a closet?" she heard Ukitake-taichou ask.
"Because this is a common clandestine meeting place. If Nanao-chan - oh, my darling, darling Nanao-chan - finds us in here, she's sure to suspect something. I know she'll be wild with jealousy once she sees that she can't have me. Here, try to get in a compromising position. You look too neat - mess up your clothes." From the shuffling sounds, Nanao deduced her captain was attempting to help Ukitake-taichou do just that.
"Is this good enough for you? I already feel completely ridiculous."
"I don't know; here, put your arm around me. And when she comes in, you need a good pet name for me."
"Kyouraku-kun... Just how drunk are you?"
"Very, if you must know. Now try to look like you think I'm sexy."
Nanao shook her head. "This cannot be," she muttered to herself. "I can't believe he'd actually go that far." Feeling completely exasperated with him, Nanao walked towards the closet her captain was "hiding" in.
She pulled the door open and put on her best expression of shock. "Oh my!" she said. "Wh-what is going on here, Kyouraku-taichou?"
He gasped loudly and pushed away from the other man. "Nanao-chan! What are you..." He cleared his throat. "This isn't what it looks like, Nanao-chan. My darling - I mean... My dear friend and I were just... Exchanging hair grooming tips." He gently stroked Ukitake's long, white hair. "Isn't that right, Jyuushirou-kun?" He then proceeded to bat his lashes rather sickeningly.
Nanao caught Ukitake-taichou rolling his eyes. "Oh, yes, that's right. Grooming tips." He politely stepped past Nanao into the hallway. "If you'll excuse me, Ise-fukutaichou..."
He (and Nanao) saw Shunsui mouthing "Blow me a kiss", but instead of obliging, he grit his teeth and with a rather forced smile to Nanao went on his way.
If he could put on a show, Nanao thought, watching her captain fan himself as though he were just engaged in rather carnal pursuits, then so could she.
Putting on her sternest face, she crossed her arms and turned to confront him. "Hair grooming?" she said, adding a note of anger to her voice. "Ukitake-taichou's hair is always clean and very nice looking. Why don't you tell me the truth?"
"I..." He sighed dramatically. "I don't think you can handle the truth, Nanao-chan."
"You and Ukitake-taichou are... You're..." She looked away, as though she couldn't even bring herself to say it.
"Oh, Nanao-chan..." He put a hand to his heart. "Some things just happen; I couldn't help it. My heart ran away with me."
She snorted in amused disbelief, though she did cover it well with a cough.
"You have hurt me more than you know, Kyouraku-taichou. I'm wild with jealousy now that I know I can't have you." She glared. "Now sign these documents and turn them in." With a bobbing little bow, she turned and walked away, leaving Shunsui with the distinct - if erroneous - impression of a job well done.
xxx
The next day, Shunsui went to the thirteenth division headquarters to celebrate his "success".
"It was wonderful," he said wistfully, remembering his great triumph. "Nanao-chan fell for my clever ruse." He sighed happily. "Soon beloved Nanao-chan will be in her Shunsui's arms at last."
"It might be sooner than you think," Ukitake said lightly.
"Hmm? What do you mean, Jyuu-chan?"
"Ise-fukutaichou is... right behind you."
"I am," Nanao said, not even giving him enough time to turn around. "And I've come to confront you. Yesterday tormented me. You must know that I have... feelings for you, Kyouraku-taichou. And seeing you with Ukitake-taichou was too much." She heaved a profound - and very fake - sigh. "I refuse to accept it."
Shunsui sent Ukitake a victorious grin. "Oh, but Nanao-chan, I - "
"No," she said quickly, shaking her head. "Nothing you say will sway me. I simply won't believe you're in love with Ukitake-taichou. Not unless..." She looked up at him with wet, shining eyes. (She had been practicing the expression for an hour the previous night.) "I can see it for myself."
Shunsui suddenly looked a little worried. "What do you mean?"
Nanao crossed her arms over her chest and bit back a smirk. "Kiss him. That's the only way I'll believe you are together."
The two captains exchanged a fearful look.
"W-well," Shunsui said hesitantly, "If we... have to..."
Ukitake didn't seem quite so amenable. "Um... No."
"Oh, pay no attention to him, Nanao-chan; he's just shy. Come here, Jyuu-chan. My dearest fukutaichou wants to see a physical manifestation of our deep love, and I think we should oblige her." He began moving toward the other captain.
"This is going a little far, don't you think?" Ukitake took a step back. "I'm sure - "
"What does one kiss matter? When we were in the academy - "
"That was different. We were both drunk, and if I remember correctly there was a rather indecently dressed woman involved." Shunsui was steadily moving towards him, while Ukitake was steadily looking for a way to escape.
Nanao was just enjoying the show.
"Damn it, Jyuushirou, just let me kiss you!"
xXx
"Should we go in there?" Kotetsu Kiyone whispered worriedly to her co-third chair.
He shook his head. "Ukitake-taichou can take care of himself. Though I always knew Kyouraku-taichou was... a little too friendly."
They both nodded, agreeing for one of the few times in their entire acquaintance. Then they put their ears back to the wall.
xXx
Ukitake ducked his head as his best friend tried once again to gain access to his rather unwilling lips. "This is ridiculous!" he said, voice full of exasperation. He looked to Nanao. "Ise-san, this..." He side-stepped another attempt. "This was just a trick. We're not really lovers. Kyouraku-kun wanted to make you jealous so you'd be more inclined to accept his suit."Shunsui was ready. He had the perfect opportunity. If he could time it just right... He'd be able plant a big, wet one right on the mouth of his oldest friend.
"I know," Nanao said simply.
Her captain stopped mid-lunge.
"What?" Ukitake looked at her in confusion. "Ise-fukutaichou, you..."
"I overheard you two talking in the broom closet before I 'caught' you. I knew all along that Kyouraku-taichou was trying to make me jealous." She rolled her eyes. "You went about it horribly, though, just to let you know, sir."
He looked up at her, greatly resembling a naughty puppy who was caught gnawing one of his mistress's shoes. "And Nanao-chan... isn't mad?"
"Of course I'm unhappy about being tricked, but..." She gave him a rare smile. "It was amusing watching you chase Ukitake-taichou, and... I suppose your desperation is rather sweet. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to be getting back to headquarters. I expect you there soon, as well, sir." And then, to everyone's surprise, she walked up and pecked him softly on the cheek. She then turned to Ukitake and bowed. "My apologies, sir, for putting you through that. Though if I may offer a suggestion - if you don't want something like that to happen again, perhaps it would be wise to get stabler friends. Good day."
And she left, leaving two captains watching her go with something like awe.
Shunsui sighed dreamily and spun about, walking as though he was on a cloud. "My darling Nanao-chan. Even when calling me desperate, she's beautiful."
-End A/N: There we go! I hope everyone enjoyed it - wish me luck in the contest!
EDIT: I HATE the stupid document manager. The entire last scene was erased. I had to rewrite it and it's not nearly as good now. I am SO PISSED OFF.