I Must Not be So Damn Sexy!
Barmy Ol Badger August 2007As always… it isn't mine… never has been… never will be… sue me and you'll get my water bottle.
Harry is in his first detention with Umbridge.
Umbridge placed a quill in front of him. 'Hang on! That's a blood quill!' thought Harry. He glared at Umbridge.
"You will write I Must Not Tell Lies." Said Umbridge in her sickeningly sweet voice.
Harry sneered. "How many times?"
"Oh, until the message… sinks in." She said, her voice laced with sweetness.
'Screw that!' thought Harry. He began writing his lines.
I must not be so damn sexy.
I must not be so damn sexy.
I must not be so damn sexy.
I must not be so damn sexy.
"Mr Potter!" shrieked Umbridge.
"Yes Professor?" said Harry innocently.
"What exactly is the meaning of this?" she raged, pointing furiously at his hand and parchment.
"Well you did tell me not to tell lies," said Harry meekly, hoping he was as good as acting as he thought he was. He smirked inwardly at the look on Umbridge's face. Maybe he could somehow project this memory onto a screen like a cinema in the common room.
"Mr Potter! Seeing as you obviously can't follow instructions, you will start from the beginning… with the other hand!" she spat out. The result was hilarious; she looked like a giant toad trying to catch a fly when his mouth was full. Harry suppressed a snort.
"Of course Professor. What do you want me to write this time?" asked Harry innocently.
"I must not tell lies." Gritted out Umbridge. Harry was smirking internally.
'Oh yes. This shall be fun!'
"I must not tell lies is what I have to write about?" asked Harry curiously.
"Yes Mr Potter, now start! I have to go and check on Filch, but I will be back in an hour and I expect you to have gotten somewhere! Do I make myself clear?" shrilled Umbridge.
"Crystal. I cant write lies and you want me gone in an hour." Repeated Harry. Umbridge was obviously too flustered to notice because she said yes, and stormed out.
'No lies eh? We'll see about that!' Harry reached into his school bag and pulled out the Marauders Map.
He tapped it with his wand and said "I Solemnly Swear that I am up to no good." Intricate black lines weaved their way through the paper to present the message
Hey Prongs Jnr!
Messrs Moony, Wormtail and Padfoot would like you to know that was a pretty dumbass thing to write. Mr Padfoot would like you to know that he is much sexier than you will ever be. Mr Prongs disagrees, as Prongs Jnr looks exactly like he did. Mr Padfoot would like to point out that this is an insult to Prongs Jnr, and would appreciate it if Prongs stopped picking on Mr Padfoot's Godson. Mr Moony would like to get back to the matter at hand, which would be what Prongs Jnr should carve into his hand to piss Madame Frogface off. Mr Wormtail suggests Voldie is my homeboy. Mr Padfoot would like to be excused from the conversation as he has a rat to go strangle. Mr Prongs would like some popcorn. Mr Moony would like someone half civilized to talk to. Messrs Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail apologize for their earlier actions, as they would like to live past the next full moon.
Mr Prongs suggests writing…
Harry snickered and picked up the quill and began writing.
LATER IN UMBRIDGES OFFICE.
Harry glanced up at the clock. Umbridge had been gone for 45 minutes. He packed up his stuff and left. After all she had said she wanted to see that he had gotten somewhere in the hour. Well he was going somewhere… Gryffindor tower to be precise.
He wandered slowly through the halls and in no time he was at the portrait to the common room. He was just about to say the password when…
"Potter!" Umbridge's sickly sweet voice sounded even worse when she was yelling.
"What is the meaning of this?" she said venomously
"The meaning of what exactly?"
"Why you decided that you could leave detention at anytime?"
"You told be that I had to be somewhere. So here I am." Said Harry condescendingly.
"Show me your hand!" demanded Umbridge. Harry showed her his hand. Carved onto it were the words…
I need your help! It is up to you to come up with something creative and funny to have Harry write! All suggestions will be posted in the next chapter, with various ending scenarios with them. So review with your suggestions or you get a really dodgy ending where Harry writes Umbridge is a bitch. Cheers!