This was a parody I wrote three years ago that I've just had sitting around. Enjoy it, it's all in good fun and in no way meant to offend. I obviously don't own great expectations, les mis, the scarlet pimpernel, minority report or any other incongrous pop culture refrences I may have made.
Pip enters Satis house. Estella is quietly knitting in the corner.
Pip: Estella, um, I have to talk to you
Estella stops knitting.
Pip: I love you
Estella starts knitting again.
Estella: I know.
Pip: And I found out who my benefactor is…
Estella: (Looking at her knitting) I know.
Pip: (Getting annoyed) But I can't tell you who he is…
Magwitch: I'M JEAN VALJEAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!
Pip: No, you're not.
Miss. Havisham: But, you must admit there are some striking similarities…
Charles Dickens: (Grins sheepishly)
Audience is obnoxiously reminded of Estella's knitting.
Pip: Ah, and I don't like Drummel…
Estella: I know. By the way, I'm marring him.
Pip: Huh?
Estella: (stops knitting and speaks slowly as if talking to a small child) I AM MARRYING BENTLY DRUMMERL! You're not too bright are you? (Starts knitting again)
Pip: (proudly) Nope! I have managed to remain blissfully clueless as to any semblance of reality over the course of this entire book. However, I do use a lot of big words. Indubitably!
Miss. Havisham: (Looking up from blaying with an action figure of Estella equipped with a sword who is currently hacking little figurines of Pip and Drummel into tiny bits.) NOOOOOOOO!!! You can't get marred! You haven't made the world miserable yet! What will I do without you? (Whimpers and gets teary eyed)
Estella: (still knitting) I can always have extramarital affairs. (Miss Havisham brightens up) (To Pip) Hey, gorgeous, what are you doing the day after my wedding?
Pip: (Looking confused) Papilionaceous?
Estella: (Looking up from knitting) Having resemblance to a butterfly? Did you even know what that meant?
Pip: Loquaciously?
Estella: (Exasperated sigh) Who wrote this junk?
Charles Dickens: The average high school student understands about as much of this as Pip does… so, since I'm getting paid by the word… (rubs hands evily) I'll take all of the money of the world out of the hands of those filty Jews, MUAUHAHAHA (evil laughter)
Estella: Ookay…
Charles Dickens: (muttering to himself) Filthy slimy Jews, we hates them my precious, we hates them! (defensively) Hey! Take me in Historical Context! Nobody likes Jews. Shakespeare wrote Merchant of Venice and no one feels like attacking him! Anyway moving the plot right along…
All: WHAT PLOT?!?!
Charles Dickens: Shut up! Now where was I? Ah, yes… blah blah blah blah blah big word blah blah blah big word blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah big word, big word, hands, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah knitting, blah knitting blah blah knitting knitting blah blah blah knitting blah knitting blah blah blah knitting knitting knitting knitting knitting…
Pip: Okay! I get it she's knitting!
Estella: (Shocked) Pip understood something?
Miss Havisham: Yeah, what's up with all these knitting references?
Estella: (Jumping up and laughing evilly again) You, Jacque One, Jacque Two, and Jacque Three have all been duped by me, Jacque Four!
Pip: Ecclesiasticism?
Estella: I have been secretly knitting this tri-color, and guess what? I've finished it in time of the annual secret French revolutionist convention! Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, or Death!
Suddenly, our of absolutely no where pop Enjolras, the other Les Amis, from Les Mis (NOT Marius he was not a real ami, and NOBODY LIKES HIM! Controlling myself…) M. Defarge, Madame Defarge, from A Tale of Two Cities and Chauvelin from The Scarlet Pimpernel
All begin a passionate rendition of "Madame Guillotine"
Pip looks more confused than ever.
The song ends.
Estella and Madame Defarge begin to fence each other with knitting needles.
Estella: (To Enjolras) Say, you're pretty cute, maybe I won't marry Drummel after all.
Enjolras: M only love is France, she is the only family I will ever know and all who are hers are my kinsmen, I am above earthly love. I am a heartless marble statue!
Estella: (swooning) I think I'm in love!!!
Miss. Havisham: Oh crap! (Hits self in head several times repeating "bad Dobby" and the revolutionists start to leave
Pip: What do I do now?
Miss Havisham: (Speaking very quietly and coming closer and closer to Pip's face) Find…your…minority…report…(kisses him)
Audience: Ewww!
Pip: Effervescences!
Miss Havisham: I always wanted to do that…