So, you don't have to have read Whoa… to understand this story (because frankly, I don't understand it) but if you have read Whoa… you should know that this is the slightly happier version: Here you will find glimpses of neither doom nor gloom, just petty arguments and cults. Lots of cults.

The Name Game:

A Sequel to Whoa… (Serious Revelations of Doom and Gloom)

By: Principles of Magic

"There is no way I'm going to name my first-born child Bilius!" Lily roared, deep in argument with Alice Finchley, who was convinced that she had found the perfect name for her future son.

"Calm down, girls," James pointed between Alice and Lily with his fork, mediating the fray. "The real issue here is why Frank isn't glued to your side as always, Alice."

Alice blanched, staring down at her eggs. "Frank isn't speaking to me."

A collective gasp silenced the table as each of the marauders clutched their hearts.

"Let me explain!" Alice squeaked, surprised by the effect this had had on them all. "Well, you see, I really did find the perfect name for our first-born son, but…Frank thinks it sucks," she sighed. "He said that any child named Neville would live a tortured existence, sucking at everything and being constantly bullied by kids at school, and then he said that he would never be able to get a real job outside of Hogwarts and that he'd spend his whole life playing with plants!" Alice wailed, dabbing her eyes with a napkin.

Lily actually patted her on the back, no longer incensed by their fight. "Oh, Alice, that's total codswallop. I'm sure he'll have a much better life than that. You're real worry should be that 'Longbottom' part. That could easily be the cause of ridicule as well."

"O-okay," sniffed Alice.

James swallowed his eggs and chuckled. "Blimey, Alice, the way you go about crying every moment you're away from your precious Frank, I'd have to agree with Bellatrix and say you're—"

"DON'T. SAY. IT." Alice jabbed her fork at James's face, and he nearly fell backwards to avoid it. "I am not crazy and I am not going to end up on the Closed Ward at St. Mungo's! I mean, where does that Bellatrix come up with this stuff?" Alice wailed again, clutching her napkin.

A sixth year, Molly Prewett, sat down next to Alice, followed by her boyfriend Arthur Weasley. "Oh dear, Alice, what's wrong?"

"Franks hates the name Neville!" Alice wailed, tears streaming down her face.

Arthur made a horrible grimace that made Molly backhand him. Luckily, Alice didn't see. "Are you two really already planning to get married?"

"Of course they are," Arthur said, reaching for a goblet of pumpkin juice. "Don't you see the way they're always on top of…er…with each other?"

"Well, arguing about baby names is awfully silly, though I know how you feel. I have all these great names that I can't possibly choose between them. Let's see…" Molly pulled a much-abused scrap of parchment from her pocket and read from the list: "William, Charles, Fredrick, George, Percival, Ronald…"

They all laughed, and Molly didn't miss Arthur mumble "Bloody monarchs" under his breath.

"What, no girl names?" James inquired.

Molly looked insulted. "Who said I was having any girls? If I ended up with a girl, I'd probably flip and name her after whatever alcoholic beverage I'd been sipping when that happened."

"Ah, of course, Sirius always did want to name his daughter Margarita." James mused.

They all laughed except Lily. "But you wouldn't believe what James wants to name our baby! Harry, he says! Isn't that just the most common name you've ever heard? And the he goes on talking about how he's going to be bigger than that bloody Dark Lord Pettigrew keeps going on about! It's insane…oh, sorry, Alice." And Alice was sobbing again.

"What's wrong with Harry? I love that name." James seemed personally offended.

"He's already given our Puffskein that offending name!" Lily scowled.

Molly blanched, looking down at someone else's eggs. Arthur quickly moved to put an arm around her. "O-our Puffskein was m-murdered by that bitch Bellatrix Black! She picked it up and was throwing it around like it was a quaffle and I screamed 'NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!', and then she stabbed it like it was a bloody house-elf, and then, as she held it in the air, she just stopped and went 'Whoa…' just like that!"

James, Lily, and Alice exchanged looks of utter horror. Lily opened her mouth to speak, but James gave her a silencing look, and the three laughed nervously before changing the subject.

"Well, I still fancy the name Harry…"

"No," Lily barked. "Our world will not be saved by a freaking Harry! I don't care if the Dark Lord himself breaks into our house, kills you, steps over your dead body, comes upstairs, Alohomora's the door, screams 'Step aside, silly girl', points his wand at me and says 'Name that baby Harry'! I will die before I give our kid that wretched name!"

The table was silent, and James had to cough back the biggest "Whoa…" he had ever experienced. "Lily, I think you've gone too far, too far." His stood up from the table at the same time Lily did, they exchanged a glare, and then they both sat back down, fuming.

"Well," Lily reasoned. "There is a name worse than Harry Potter, I suppose."

"Oh really, and what's that?"

"Harry James Potter!"

They all laughed at that because it was really funny, but really kind of sad because it was pretty much inevitable, all of it. I would put down the Gin, Molly, before you make some big mistakes.

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As the Name Game roared on at the Gryffindor table, the Slytherin's were playing a game of their own…

"Let's make a gang," said Lucius idly over a blueberry muffin. "No, let's make a cult. More brain-washed dedication."

"Okay," Bellatrix agreed over a Pumpkin Pasty. "But we'd need an all-powerful leader."

"One who screams at us and makes us do his bidding…unquestionably." Augustus Rookwood piped in, twirling a pink ribbon that had fallen from Bellatrix's hair.

"And tortures us"-they all stared at him, shocked-"With love, of course, silly!" The prefect Avery added.

"And he has to be hot," Bellatrix concluded, to sounds of agreement from the boys around her.

"But who is this magical man, Bella?" Narcissa asked, in awe of such a being.

"Well…" Lucius began, holding an unusually thick and sharp-cornered black book entitled He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named: Memoirs of the Rising Dark Lord.

"Ooh," Rookwood marveled, "A new Dark Lord?"

"Of course," noted Theodore Nott. "Because one in a century just isn't enough.

"Okay, but we need a name; a really good name. Those Gryffindorks call themselves Marauders, what's our name?" Bellatrix wondered wistfully.

"How about the Bunny Killers?" Avery suggested.

"No! Too sadistic!"

"The Nazis?"

"Taken. No good."

"How about the Gryffinstranglers?"

"Too over-used. Oh my god, Crabbe, what are you eating?" Bellatrix looked over to the black muffin he was devouring. It was oozing something thick that she didn't think was fudge. "It looks like death. Just ghastly. I like it."

"He's eating death?"

"Of course not, Death has an Invisibility Cloak…and a watch!"

"Don't be silly, Nott. This new idea is so amazing. It's innovative. It's ingenious. It's—I called it!" Bellatrix dived for the black muffin at the top of the pile, they all followed suit.

"Vif iv goo," Lucius swallowed, pulling a gold hair from his mouth. "This is good."

"The muffin?"

"No, you imbecile, the name for our cult. The Death Eaters; we eat death!"

And they all raised their muffins, and the liquidly non-fudge oozed down their arms and into an odd pattern.

"Ew. There's non-fudge burned into my arm! It looks like…a smiley face with a snake coming out of it's mouth!"

"Yev i' dove," Lucius swallowed again, pulling a black hair from his mouth. "Yes it does. "And Bellatrix, tie up your hair!"

"I can't; Rookwood's got my ribbon!"

"To death!" They cheered.

"To death-eating!" And they all laughed in high-pitched, maniacally hysterical laughs.

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James Potter turned from the Gryffindor table. "What are those stupid Slytherin's going on about now?"

"Well, I don't know. Probably coming up with some stupid cult that Harry Potter's going to have to defeat in a series of heroic tasks," said Lily Evans as she Ordered up another Phoenix muffin for them to share…

Did you get that last one? Order? Phoenix? LOLOLZ! I totally FED it to you! This scene was a riot. A total laugh. I love the Slytherin's; they're so bored that they make up secret organizations to take over the world. And Molly Weasley, calling Bellatrix a bitch at only sixteen. I knew she'd done that before when I read Deathly Hallows. I knew it! And Harry Potter? What an awful name! Bleh. No wonder Lily wanted Voldemort to kill her (speaking of which, for my Whoa… readers, did you catch that Whoa…? It was pretty huge). Hope you enjoyed it, and send me your own black-muffin stories through reviews! Special thanks to alicecullengirl. And can anyone get Bellatrix a more menacing hair-tie?

-PoM