Endless Loops
Watanuki was fuming. Quietly, for once, but definitely fuming. Why is it, that everywhere I go, I have to lug this gigantic, dense, bento-chomping, deadpan, inconsiderate, IDIOTIC….idiot with me? He could have sworn that Yuuko did it just to piss him off, but he hadn't gone into hysterics when she told him to bring Doumeki. The only reason was because although her Mischievous-Alcoholic-Yuuko persona had sent him out to get sake, her Deep-Mysterious-Wise-Yuuko persona that frankly scared the crap out of him more than he cared to admit had told him to bring Doumeki.
"Oi,"
Watanuki gritted his teeth and restrained the long screechy rant that longed to bubble out of him, because it was in the middle of the night, and they were in a fairly populated district. He settled for a clenched-jaw snarl of, "My name is not 'Oi', you idiot. What is it now?"
Doumeki replied, "For lunch tomorrow, I want…."
This time, Watanuki started ranting. Sleeping people be dammed, he wasn't going to put up with this. "Not again! I am not your personal catering service. I DO NOT TAKE ORDERS! I'll make whatever bento I want to, and you can either…"
His words were cut short by a long acidic tentacle wrapping around his arm. Shit. Stomping away while he was yelling had brought him outside Doumeki's protective aura, and without Doumeki's aura, he was monster-bait. What was more; he was really tasty monster-bait. The tentacle effortlessly tugged him off the ground towards a gigantic mouth lined with jagged teeth, and a single cold thought crossed his mind. I'm going to die.
There was a certain peace in that thought, a certain detachment. Yet there was also an inner howl at the thought of his impending mortality. He had become so used to the fact that Doumeki would be there to save him. But Doumeki, who was running full tilt towards him, eyes full of furious protectiveness, had not brought his bow with him, and the monster around Watanuki's arm was moving much faster than even the athletic archer could sprint.
"Watanuki!" He heard the anguish in Doumeki's voice, and he was surprised to be so pained by Doumeki's distress. I've taken him for granted. Never thanked him enough for putting his life on the line every time I screwed up, and now I'm going to die. He looked down, determined to give his once-rival, now-friend, a gift. He smiled one last time at the archer. Doumeki's stoic expression cracked, and his eyes filled with tears. They were far too bonded together for him not to know what Watanuki's smile meant.
Then a twang of a bowstring sounded, and the monster dropped Watanuki and howled in pain. Watanuki plummeted towards the earth and crashed none-too-gently into Doumeki's arms. Doumeki bundled him up with a quick possessive clutch, and then gently replaced him on the ground. They both looked towards the person who had shot the bow. It was a slim woman, dressed in a long blue kimono. She had long hair bundled up into a knot and looked in her twenties. She shot another arrow with unerring aim, and then turned to them and yelled out a single sentence.
"Shizuka! Get him to Yuuko's shop!" Doumeki's eyebrows rose at the familiarity with which the stranger addressed him, but he obediently grabbed Watanuki and ran anyway. They clambered into Yuuko's shop 15 minutes later, sweaty and dirty. She was seated on a low cushion, waiting for them with an inscrutable look on her face. "So it has happened."
"What has?" Watanuki asked.
Yuuko stood up with her back facing them, and turned her head and said, with her face half-hidden in shadow, "Hitsuzen."
Watanuki peered down worriedly at the unconscious woman, her face and arms covered by acid-inflicted lacerations. He glanced at his arm, which bore similar scars.
"Will she be alright?" Watanuki asked Yuuko.
Yuuko looked infinitely sad for an infinitesimal moment. "No."
"Will she die?"
There was a flash of sadness again, "Yes."
Watanuki paled, "If I made a wish to help her--?"
"That wish I cannot grant. The price for it would interfere with another deal that was made."
"But she saved me—" Watanuki whispered, "I ought to be able to do something to help her."
Yuuko nodded. "Then stay with her until her time comes. That is the best thing you can do for her now."
Watanuki bowed his head and sat beside the woman in the kimono. He glanced at her face. Despite having the freshness of youth, it still had traces of sorrow all over it in the lines about her mouth. Pity filled his heart. Who was she, where was she from, and why did she save him? Doumeki and he had gone back a few hours later on Yuuko's order, and found her on the sidewalk, barely breathing. They had carried her back to the shop together. A barely audible cough stirred him from his reverie. He looked at the woman, and found that her brown eyes were struggling to open.
"Are—you—Kimihiro—Watanuki?" She gasped out painfully.
"Yes. How did you--?"
"I—have—a—a letter for you." She fumbled in her obi and pulled out a thin sheaf of paper. "Please—read it, when I—am gone." Watanuki was puzzled, but he took the sheaf from her and inclined his head.
"Of course."
"I want—to speak to Yuuko-san."
Yuuko slid the door back, "Yes?"
"Alone."
Watanuki clambered to his feet. "I'll go. But first, may I know the name of the heroine who rescued me?"
The woman's smile was brief and pained, but it was sincere. "Kiyo Mizuyama."
Watanuki made a formal bow. "Thank you, Mizuyama-san, for saving me."
He walked out of the room and slid the door shut. Doumeki, from his seated position on the porch, looked up at him.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm fine. I'm not the one dying." Watanuki slumped against a wooden pole and closed his eyes as he leaned back.
"You look tired."
"I said I'm fine. Stop bugging me." There was a long pause.
"I'm sorry." Watanuki opened his eyes in surprise. Doumeki was apologising?
"What for?"
"I didn't manage to protect you properly. I failed." Doumeki stared down at the thin bamboo mat he was kneeling on.
Watanuki groaned, "It's not your job to protect me, for crying out loud. And anyway I'm here, and I'm fine, so—"
"And what would have happened if the woman hadn't saved you?" Doumeki demanded. "I failed. And if tonight or anything like tonight happens again, you'll die." His voice faltered, "I couldn't live with that. I don't think I could live without you. I—" Doumeki trailed off uncertainly.
Watanuki grabbed Doumeki's arm. "I'm right here, you moron. I'll always be here." Their eyes met for a second that lasted as long as the birth and death of the universe.
It was nearly twenty hours later. Yuuko came out of the room where the woman had laid, her normally sparkling eyes dulled.
"Kiyo Mizuyama has passed on," he said.
Doumeki nodded, "Does she have someone to perform rites for her?"
"No."
"Then Watanuki and I will do it." Doumeki said. For once, Watanuki didn't object to the staid archer's presumption that Watanuki would do whatever Doumeki said.
Yuuko smiled sadly. "That is fitting." She turned to Watanuki, "But before you do that, please read her letter first. It will help you understand Kiyo Mizuyama much better."
"I understand."
Watanuki found a quiet corner to curl up in, and he pulled out the thin stack of paper. It was typed in a bold-faced font.
To: Watanuki Kimihiro
To be read after the death of Kiyo Mizuyama
I woke up in the middle of the night to find him gone on one of his nocturnal balcony visits again. Sighing, I swung myself out of the bed and went to find him. He was standing in a thin yukata in the middle of winter, leaning on the rail and staring at the street below with a slight frown on his usually unmoved face. He sensed me even before I stepped onto the balcony.
"Go back inside, Kiyo, it's cold out." His voice is emotionless, but I know that he's concerned.
"Who's Watanuki?" I blurt unthinkingly. It's a question that has been circulating around my mind these past few weeks, so I'm not that surprised, but he looks at me with shock in his amber eyes.
Watanuki blinked. This was starting to frighten him. The person that she was describing….
"Where did you hear that name?"
I shrug. "You've say it in your sleep sometimes, when you get those bad nightmares—Kimihiro Watanuki." He was quiet now, my aptly named Shizuka.
His name is written with the kanji for "quiet", and he sometimes withdraws into himself so much I wonder what he needs to hide. And on those days when my mind is playing silly games, I wonder if it's a coincidence that my name is Kiyo, written with the kanji for "clear", and together our names mean "calm silence" in Chinese, which was exactly how I would describe our relationship. Calm, silent, and not the torrent of passion that most people –including me—yearn for.
And instinctively, I know on some deep, personal level, that I am not Shizuka soul-mate. We have a bond, it is true, but it is not a bond of romantic love. Maybe that was why neither of us has tried going further even though we've been sleeping in the same bed for three months.
So I was determined to find out who this Kimihiro Watanuki was, and why he haunted the dreams of my Shizuka.
Watanuki folded the letter in half and stared at it. What on earth is going on? This has to be some kind of sick joke by Yuuko. He was about to throw the sheaf away from him, when he remembered his promise to Kiyo Mizuyama, and the fact that she had died saving him. And even though he didn't want to continue reading, he knew it was the right thing to do.
He was reluctant at first, but I managed to get the story out of him in bits and pieces. He told me how they had met, and fought the very first time they saw each other. He told me of the rants which he secretly loved to hear, of the delicious bento he had made for him, the jibing, the teasing and insulting. He told me of the thousand things that they had given up for each other, never shown openly, but still undeniable. He told me of Yuuko Ichihara and her shop, about the shared eye, the blood, the bond, and the secret longing he never dared voice, and that last terrible smile that he saw as Kimihiro Watanuki died, which haunted his dreams almost every night.
And then my Shizuka, my brave and strong Shizuka, who I had never seen shedding even a single tear, broke down entirely. I cradled his head in my hands and soothed him till he calmed down.
Then I told him that we were going to see the witch, Yuuko, to find a way to undo the past. He was horrified, but he and I both know that I'm a thousand times more stubborn than he is. I smiled a little to myself. Perhaps this is what Kimihiro Watanuki and I share in common, and what Shizuka liked in me.
Yuuko Ichihara's shop was nothing like what I'd imagined. It was palatial, grand and looked like it was constructed by a person who wanted it to look impressive and borrowed designs from all over the world. Yuuko Ichihara stood at the door in a long red kimono and she bowed her head to us.
"Doumeki-kun," she said. His eyes hardened, but he returned the bow.
"Yuuko-san. This is Kiyo Mizuyama-san."
Yuuko bowed to us. "Good to meet you."
"And you, Yuuko-san." I bowed in return.
Yuuko sighed. "You still blame me, don't you?"
"Yes." His voice was leaden anger. "You knew that Watanuki was going to be at least badly hurt that night, and when you told me to come to your shop, you didn't even ask me to bring my bow. You knew he might die, and you still sent him to get sake for you in the middle of the night." Shizuka's voice was emotionless, but I could hear the rage and the pain behind it. Somehow, Kimihiro Watanuki could crack that emotionless façade better than anyone, could reach into my Shizuka's soul and awaken it from the spiritual and emotional lethargy he puts himself into .
Yuuko nodded. "Yes, I knew, but I could not interfere."
"WHY NOT?" Shizuka shouted at her, the first time I'd ever heard him really shout. It frightened me, but I understood why it was that he yelled.
Yuuko flinched ever so slightly and replied, "Hitsuzen." Shizuka slammed his hand into a wooden pole and sat down on the steps, covering his face with both hands.
Yuuko turned to me. "You have a wish, Kiyo-chan?" Her voice was gentle but sad.
"You know what it is." I replied, "And I'm willing to pay the price." Shizuka turned and looked at me in puzzlement.
"Kiyo—"
Yuuko shook her head. "The price I require is too high. You can't—"
"I'll pay it. I know it must be an equivalent exchange. My life for Watanuki Kimihiro's, isn't it?"
"Kiyo, what are you doing?" Shizuka asked. I turned to him.
"Shizuka, don't try to stop me."
"Kiyo—"
"You've fought all your life or someone else, Shizuka. You've fought for me, for Watanuki, protecting and helping us. It's time someone helped you. If my wish is granted, Kimihiro Watanuki won't die. You wouldn't be alone, and you wouldn't know I ever existed."
"Won't that create a temporal paradox?" Shizuka asked.
"No." Yuuko said, "It would become a loop. A reality where Watanuki dies, and someone goes back and dies for him, allowing him to live. Our life is made of many of these time-currents eddying in on themselves. This reality will cease to flow in time after Kiyo-chan succeeds, but what has happened cannot be undone. This reality will still exist in the past."
"But I won't allow Kiyo to do this."
"Doumeki-kun, this is Kiyo's wish. I cannot yield to your decision to grant her wish. You know that." Shizuka was angry and hurt and desperate, I could see from his frozen mask. I went over to him and sat beside him.
"Shizuka. Do you love Kimihiro Watanuki?"
"Yes." The amount of emotion in his voice was painful.
"Then allow me to do this. Make this an eddy in time rather than a straight path of reality that leads to nothing but pain for you. If I die from this reality, but Watanuki lives in the other, you will never meet me, and the Kiyo Mizuyama who will be living in that reality will also be alive."
His eyes were pained. "Why do you have to be so good at reasoning?"
I smiled at him, "So I can deal with stubborn fools."
He wrapped an arm around me. "Who're you calling stubborn?" I smiled again, and savoured that last touch before I was to die.
Yuuko came towards us. "Doumeki-kun. Do you still have the egg I told you to keep, even during that moment?"
"Yes." Doumeki produced a small, odd shaped bundle that I had seen him carrying around all the time.
"Good. Give it to Kiyo. It is time to go." The rest of the time vanished to a blur as Yuuko dressed me, briefed me and gave me cryptic warnings. Hold on to the egg and find the other egg in the darkness. A letter you think of will be a letter you have. Shoot towards the full moon six times with this bow and arrow.
As I vanished through the air, I envisioned this letter, and here you have it. I do not know how I will die, armed with Shizuka's bow and shooting towards the moon six times, after finding the other egg in the darkness. But I am not afraid, or regretful. For though Shizuka Doumeki did not know, I loved him with all my heart, and I just want him to be happy.
Thank you, Kimihiro-kun, for listening to me. Please promise me, though I am dead, that you will look after my Shizuka for me. He may be annoying at times with his insulting one-liners, but you and I both know that that is the way he tries to hide the deeper feelings. He needs you more than he will ever dare to say, and I know too, that you need him more than you will ever dare to say.
水山 清 Mizuyama Kiyo
Watanuki closed his eyes and reeled as pain shuddered through his heart. Shizuka Doumeki was in love with him. That should have made him incredibly delighted, because he could yell out to the whole world that that idiot was gay, but somehow he only felt incredible pain. He tried to sort through the tangled threads of emotions he was feeling.
Did he hate Doumeki?—No, he knew that it was all pretence, just a way of shielding himself from getting too attached to anyone.
Did he not care about Doumeki?—No, they were far too close for him not to feel anything.
Did he like Doumeki?—No, liking was too shallow, too frivolous for what he felt. He wouldn't have given an eye up for someone he had merely liked.
So, the frightening question was—did he love Doumeki back? And the frightening answer was yes, he did.
He crushed the letter in his hands, and went out to find his once-rival, now-friend and perhaps—soul-mate.
Six years had passed since that night, and Watanuki was still an indentured servant to Yuuko, although more and more his errands had to do with cooking and cleaning. That didn't stop him from seeing Doumeki on a daily basis, though.
Today, they were lunching together at a cake shop that Himawari had recommended.
"Oi," Doumeki started as they settled at a table.
"What now, you buffoon?" Watanuki replied, but with no malice in his voice.
"When are you going to cook me another of your bento sets?"
"I swear, you're in this just for the bento!"
Doumeki grinned mischievously. "Oh no, I'm in it for far more than that." Watanuki blushed at the implication, but Doumeki continued, "Your udon is great too." Watanuki kicked him under the table.
Just then the waitress, a slim woman with deep brown eyes, appeared at their table.
"Hello, may I take your order?" They ordered cake and drinks; and as the waitress walked away, Doumeki frowned after her.
"Did she seem familiar to you?"
Watanuki, who had seen the nametag the woman was wearing, shook his head instantly and said, "No."
"Hm."
"You're just imagining things again, you dumbass."
"Continue insulting me, Kimihiro-chan, and I'll make you cook more exotic dishes."
"Chan? What do you mean chan, you nut-job? I'm not a girl!"
And as the couple bickered happily, the waitress smiled at the cook who she was dating. He smiled back and slid the order out to her. She turned to bring their order to the still quarrelling pair and her nametag flared briefly in the sunlight, reflecting off the letters "Mizuyama Kiyo".
FIN