Title: The Life and Times of Tom Riddle, Dark Lord etc.
Pairing: HGxTR
Notes: I'm probably going to open my forum for Author's Notes and Thanks, so I guess check there in the future?

The Life and Times of Tom Riddle, Dark Lord etc.

Preamble

I suppose it may seem odd to some that I've decided to start writing my "memoirs" at age seventeen, though I assure the reader this is not without reason. It has, in recent days, been brought to my attention that dabbling in the Dark Arts can (much like Alzheimer's disease) be the cause of dementia. I fully intend to investigate the cause of this and will, of course, attempt to remedy it. However I am quite and uncomfortably aware of the fact that I have more than merely "dabbled" in those "Arts" which some call "Dark".

Therefore I think it behooves me to leave a record of my life and intentions, which (for rather obvious reasons) must be completed before (if) I become a raving madman and embarrass myself entirely. I feel it imperative that someone know the information that will be contained within this document. The reader may think this is a last (rather pathetic) attempt at attaining immortality on my part, but I assure you this is not the case.

It is merely that I, like most of my species, fear death and bad judgement.

Once this is completed--whether you decide to condemn me or not, at least you will have possession of the facts as I see them. I think that will be enough to satisfy my eternal spirit... that is, of course, if such a thing exists.

Private Notes:

- Yes, I am very afraid to die.

- I should probably kill Thea for pointing this out.

-- Which she did rather rudely, I might add.

1

For the sake of accuracy, this account not with my birth, but centuries before it with Salazar Slytherin.

The much maligned fourth Founder of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is my progenitor and my House's namesake. The annals have associated his name with pureblooded traditionalism, intense and unfounded hatred of muggleborns, and rather a viciously hidebound personality. Because he is, perhaps, the most famous person in my ancestry (and one of, perhaps, two worth note) I've conducted extensive research on the man and his history.

His diary, written in Parseltongue and hidden in the Chamber of Secrets exonerates him of the aforementioned charges. It becomes apparent, upon reading said diary, that Salazar Slytherin was a rather forceful man with a deep love of the wizarding world. He was something of a Healer, who hated the misuse and homogenization of magic. He believed these two things were directly tied to the influx of muggleborns within the wizarding community and wrote a rather scathing essay on the topic.

He became one of Hogwarts four founders and tried to push his ideas there, but (though Helga Hufflepuff sympathized to a degree) they were ignored. When Godric Gryffindor contracted a mysterious muggle disease (which, from description I believe to be the bubonic plague) Salazar Slytherin dabbled in the Dark Arts a bit in an attempt to find a cure for his friend.

Godric Gryffindor lived and Salazar Slytherin succumbed to that wretched dementia (which he, of course blamed Godric for) and the rest, as they say, is History.

Private Notes:

- According to Parker, this section lacks detail. I quite agree, but, really, does he expect me to write the man's biography?

- Thea has accused me of secretly wanting to be Lawrence Sterne. I do not want to be Lawrence Sterne. This account will be entirely void of satire.

- I have decided that the Sabin twins will no longer be allowed to read this. At least not Thea, who, though usually bright, has been offering nothing but worthless criticism. This is a bloody memoirs, not a great literary work.

2

My mother was a rather pathetic woman. My father was a rather pathetic man.

My birth was a rather messy affair. There were no doctors and no midwives, simply my mother and a screechy, jumpy young woman named Eleanor something or other, who had no idea what she was doing. Consequently my mother died shortly after delivering me into the world and managing to name me after that father of mine who she was still, rather pathetically in love with.

I doubt there's much more to say about either of them.

Private Notes:

- Obviously I can't stop you reading this, Thea and I know Freud's in vogue, but for the last bloody time, I am not repressing any sexual feelings toward my mother. Stop accusing me of some twisted Oedipal complex. Perhaps you're projecting.

3

I spent the entirety of my young adult life in an orphanage run by a prophiteering hag. Eleanor something or other's mother. Despite being a rather good looking and precocious child I was never adopted due to the fact that things tended to spontaneously combust or fly manically in my presence.

If that hag hadn't been so frightened of me, she would've set up a stall outdoors and charged two pence for a peek at me. She died years ago and I, unfortunately, didn't have a thing to do with it. The Blitzkreig did and I suppose I will have to be ever thankful to Adolf Hitler for that small favor.

Private Notes:

- What do you want me to add, Thea? A bit about the factory she had me working in? The smoke, the grease, the heat? Not bloody likely.

- Don't you side with her, Parker.

4

On my eleventh birthday I received a boot to the head from the hag and a letter sent by owl post from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I would have thought this was some sort of cruel joke if it wasn't immediately followed by a visit from one of the school's liasons.

He was a rather owlish man himself, scuffy boots, worn jeans, crooked glasses. He bungled through the front door and the hag didn't even bother putting on a nice face for him. She could tell with a glance that he was poor.

"Looking to adopt?" she asked, looking down her nose at him.

Luckily the man was a squib and used to people looking down on him. Otherwise this would have raised some ire.

He shook his head. "I'm looking for Tom Marvolo Riddle, actually."

I was scrubbing the floor just then and looked up, mildly surprised.

The hag sniffed at that, but looked more than a bit eager all the same. "You can have him," she said, shoving me in his direction. "Free. In fact I'll pay you 2p to take him off my hands."

"Oh, no," the man's eyes went wide as his lenses. "I'm not here to adopt-- I'm here to see that he gets all the proper supplies for next term."

The hag swung her nose in my direction then. "What's he on about?" she snapped. "You going to school now?"

I showed her the letter. "I thought it was a prank."

"Bloody hell," the hag flipped the parchment over and examined the supply list. "'re you taking him, then?" she asked, eyeing the poor little man. "For good?"

"Just Fall through Summer, Ma'am," he said, casting me a rather sympathetic glance.

"Damn," the hag nearly kicked me, but staid her boot, mindful of the man's presence. "S'there tuition?" she asked. "Because I'm not paying anything for this nonsense."

"It'll be loaned to him," the man said. "Along with money for supplies-- it's a sort of scholarship. The young man is exceptionally gifted."

I had no idea what he was talking about. I dipped the scrubber in the bucket and went back to the floor as there was no use getting on the hag's bad side daily.

"Exceptionally gifted at mucking things up," she muttered darkly. Then she kicked me. Or rather nudged me with her boot. "Get yourself going then," she nodded at the man. "Hopefully you won't be darkening my doorstep again next summer."

I stood up, putting the scrubber down and walked over to the madman arguing with her.

"Term doesn't start til September," he protested. "It's January!"

"D' I look like I care?" the hag screeched. The man flinched. "You said you wanted him so bloody take him. If he's so exceptionally gifted you should have no trouble finding a place for him til September, eh? Now get yourself out of here before I phone the police!"

The man, distressed, and surprised, turned to me for help. I was eleven and had been dealing with the woman my whole life. I shrugged at him.

"She's going to start throwing things soon," I informed him, quietly.

Sure enough the scrubber I'd left came flying at us, dripping soapy water and the man, eyes egg whites, grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the building.

"Don't come back til next June!" she screeched.

The man looked a touch lost so I held out my hand to him. "I'm Tom Riddle," I said. "And you are?"

He straightened his coat then, and fixed his glasses. "Benjamin Addlemere," he said. "Pleased to meet you."

Private Notes:

- From now on I'm putting a Cryptus Charm on this text. I will not tolerate any more of your comments, Thea.

5

Following the previously related episode, Addlemere took me to Diagon Alley where we purchased supplies and he told me about the wizarding world. Everything I was allowed to buy was second hand and rather tatty.

While in Flourish & Blott's of Diagon Alley, I met the Sabin family when Thea stumbled into me trying to reach a complicated Charms text. I kindly got it for her, when her brother dashed up shouting about how she shouldn't be bothering strangers. I asked them both if they were going to Hogwarts as well.

I will forever regret this moment.

Private Notes:

- Of course I know the both of you are brilliant and Decrypting Cryptus Charms and you're right. I will not forever regret that moment. At some point I will either become senile or die.

6

I lived with Addlemere in his rather sorry two room apartment from January through September. The man didn't have much money and got no sympathy from the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which meant that he was not provided with additional funds for my care.

He served me thin soups and apologies, gave me the warm blanket for sleeping, and apologised constantly for not being able to do magic at all while telling me what a wonderful place Hogwarts would be once I got there.

Private Notes:

- I know I've never mentioned "this Addlemere fellow" before. Quite frankly it's none of your business.

- Bloody hell, no it's not because we had sex! I was eleven, what is wrong with the both of you.

- Thea, I don't care if it was Parker's suggestion; I am not traumatized. Christ.

7

I was sorted into Slytherin (of course).

Two days into my first year the word was out that I was a "mudblood". Parker and Thea remained my only friends.

Two months into my first year, they roped me into helping them with a rather advanced Disillusionment Charm in the library. We ended up causing the library to effectively disappear for two days before the staff finally figured out what had happened.

This stunt earned us all detention for a month and the eternal hatred of the librarian.

It was during this detention that I met my familiar, Nagini. Parker and I were gathering herbs for Potions under Dumbledore's rather tyrannical eye when she slid up to me. Sort of looked at me oddly, flicked the air with her tongue and asked me if I carried Slytherin's blood. Of course, I had no idea what she was talking about just then so I ignored her. It didn't seem like either Dumbledore or Parker heard what the snake said, so I assumed they couldn't understand it and further assumed that I shouldn't understand it.

She managed to creep into my bag and emerged one night in my dormitory, hissing on about Slytherin's heir, which, I came to understand, was me.

Private Notes:

- I'm well aware of the fact that if I hadn't "fixed" your version of the spell the library would've only been cloaked for two minutes, Thea, but that's hardly the point.

- Parker, if Nagini did in fact eat a certain cat, then I'm sure it's because that cat was a bloody nuisance and fully deserved what it got.

- And really, I didn't know the both of you were such sticklers for grammar. "Who, I came to understand, was me."

- "Who ended up being I."

- Bugger it, is it really that important?

- I don't care if posterity thinks I'm an uneducated buffoon, because of a tiny grammatical error.

- All right! I'll fix it later.

- No, I would not like any suggestions.

8

In my second year I began researching Salazar Slytherin and attempting to figure out the Animagus spell. While doing this, I maintained perfect grades, and managed to keep Parker from blowing up the Astronomy tower with one of his more combustible Potions experiments. I also kept the entire Hogwarts staff from finding out how much I absolutely despised them.

I was quite sociable and did not, as many expected, try out for the Quidditch team. Thea did and failed to make the cut due to the fact that she can't actually fly a broomstick to save her life. The attempt, however, was rather funny.

Private Notes:

- No I am not going to talk about that time Thea set my hair on fire because I was dumb enough to be her partner in Potions and yes, you were about to blow up the Astronomy tower.

- Thea, I know I made second year sound boring, but think back for a minute. Good now. Second year was boring.

- No I was not mystified by the "magic"-ness of Hogwarts. It's a bloody have and have not world why should I have felt gleeful and special for mugging with the "haves" when most of them treated me like the dirt on their boots and none of them understand pain or poverty or anything.

- Oh, don't Dumbledore Dumbledore me. Dumbledore likes to fancy himself a bloody bleeding heart, but have they raised Benjamin Addlemere's salary?

- Oh, stuff it. The both of you.

9

The summer before third year was a bit odd. There was this new boy at the orphanage, some ten year old nuisance who delighted in dancing around calling me a "freak" at all hours of the bloody day. I'd wake up at two in the morning to use the loo and there the little rotter would be, pointing and hissing freaaaaak. He was massively annoying. Quite possibly the most annoying thing I've ever had to deal with, so one day when we were on our way to work, I hit the little blighter so hard he went deaf in his left ear.

That solved the problem quite nicely, but then he went babbling on about my assault and trying to find a policeman to tell to, so I knocked him over the head and he fell, neatly biting off most of his tongue. I hauled him back to the orphanage and told them someone'd attacked us in the street.

He couldn't exactly say otherwise.

Third year was the year I learned to become an Animagus-- a rather difficult procedure though not as difficult as most would have you think. I had Parker help me with the Potions component, of course, and found out my Animagus form is a snake. Almost boring in its predictability.

Private Notes:

- Yes, Parker he really was that annoying.

- And yes, Thea, we really did leave you out entirely.

10

During fourth year, I helped Parker and Thea become Animagi.

Parker's form was an oddly colored hawk with feathers that were gray black and white. Thea was a black butterfly, which we all had a good laugh over.

Fourth was also the year I discovered the Chamber of Secrets and formed the Death Eaters. None of the silly Slytherins knew who they were calling "Lord", of course, and I helped spread the rumor that it was Parker, given that he's a pureblood.

We wore simple masks back then. Until the night a moth flew into Junius Malfoy's ear, which was an incident so horrid I can't help but remember it as though it'd happened just last night.

My followers were standing in a circle as usual, with myself at the center when all of a sudden Junius started twitching and jumping like a bloody madman. He disrupted the entire meeting and finally managed to yell out, "Something flew in my ear! It's a moth, it's a moth!" which caused something of a ruckus.

The group crowded around him in an attempt to solve the problem. "Maybe if we flash a light in front of his ear it'll just fly out," someone suggested. Lumos charms were then cast and wands were flicked and still Junius jumped. No moth was forthcoming.

"Kill it, kill it!" Junius was screaming. "God I can hear it flapping."

At which point Lawrence Crabbe pointed his wand at Junius's ear and began to say "Avada--"

Which, of course was the moment Thea stepped in, smacked the idiot's wand down and says "Don't do that you might kill him you dolt!"

Francois LeStrange had the brilliant idea that taking Junius to the hospital wing was the best course of action. Parker thankfully defeated this proposal with a, "Oh so are you going to be the one to tell Madame Biswick what exactly the both of you were doing out of doors after hours, wearing strange masks?"

"Maybe if we Stupefy the moth," someone else suggested.

"That'll just Stupefy the boy," someone else countered.

Meanwhile the little bugger was hopping around, screaming his head off and making a general nuisance.

"Oh, why not kill him," I suggested a bit drolly. Thea had the wherewithal to smack me for that one, though luckily in the confusion no one had any idea who exactly had been leading the meeting any more.

One rather bright little bloke-- I think he was a Goyle-- decided to hold up his wand and shout "Accio Moth!" which, obviously brought every moth in the vicinity swirling round his head.

In all it was not the brightest moment in Death Eater history. Hogwarts lacked common chemicals like hydrogen peroxide and acetic acid, so we couldn't really kill the bloody thing. We couldn't cast any spells at it, because it was lodged in Malfoy's ear and because Malfoy was absolutely not staying still enough for the delicate aiming such a thing would require.

Parker finally spoke up with an actual suggestion. "Rotting fruit's got acetic acid in it. If we can find some and transfigure some rocks into potions supplies I might be able to extract it and then we can pour it in his ear."

This seemed like the best idea so far, so everyone split in search of rotting fruit. Which they then dumped into Parker's shoddy transfigured cauldron. A fire was lit up underneath and he did something although i can't say what, but the end result was a clear liquid.

Thea cast a charm to cool it, then they funneled it into Malfoy's ear, which caused a whole new uproar from him.

"Merlin!" he screamed. "I feel it dying it... Oh, Merlin, it's twitching."

Which inspired a great deal of disgust from everyone in the circle. Thea, in her infinite kindness, managed to say, "Oh, buck up, would you?"

The meeting was effectively over, once Malfoy was sure the moth was dead. "How do I get it out?" he asked lamely.

"Suppose you should try flushing it out," Parker suggested as he transfigured his supplies back into rocks. "With water or something."

After that, I decided that Death Eaters should wear hooded cloaks to protect both their ears and their identities. However getting said cloaks wasn't exactly easy. There were arguments over color and problems with size-- most of which I let Thea deal with, because it seemed like a rather feminine matter.

Until the cloaks were finished, we all wore ear plugs out. This made it hard to hear and so I learned that, rather than shouting, I could project my thoughts into the minds of others. It was a rather useful thing to know.

Private Notes:

- I refuse to recant that bit about it "seeming like a feminine matter".

- Parker, you're right. We never did hear from Malfoy about whether or not he got that creature removed. For all we know it could still be in his ear. God that's disgusting.

11

In fifth year I became a prefect, opened the Chamber of Secrets, and received an Order of Merlin First Class for framing Hagrid. Other than that, I don't think very much happened.

Private Notes:

- Yes, I do recall the chocolate creme pie incident, but that was Crabbe's doing and hardly notable.

- No, it does not deserve mention just because it was "bloody hilarious".

12

I seem to have run into a problem. It is currently the summer before sixth year and I can't very well chronicle moments that I have not yet lived. I suppose I should keep a journal from now.