The Infamous Hogwarts' Marauders
Interviewed by Jean Deblon of The Time-Turner
What was your first sign of magic?
Potter: Exploded my mum's rotten cooking.
Black: Shattered my brother's piggy bank.
Lupin: Fixed a crazed dog's broken chain.
Pettigrew: Unclogged the toilet…What? No one else could!
Black: Well, you are very special, Pete.
Where did you go to school before Hogwarts?
Black: Boar Boils.
Pettigrew: Pig Pimples.
Potter: Cow Calluses.
Lupin: St. Paul's Primary School in London.
Black, Pettigrew, Potter (annoyed): Moony!
How did you meet?
Potter: Well, isn't that an interesting story!
Black: See, I was in the vast jungles of Africa at the age of ten, hunting a rare species of Erumpent, when a Fwooper hit a high note.
Potter: I was just a half a mile off, but I had been fortunate enough to be partially deaf that day because of a freak Dungbomb accident the night before. My father, the adventurous man that he was, Apparated us to the clearing where the Fwooper had sung.
Black: I was lucky enough that young Remus had been there with a straightjacket for me. Peter swung off the branches of the tropic trees and brought us all back to London with his Port Key and I was treated in St. Mungo's just in time to keep my sanity.
Potter: And I will never forget the look on Remus' face when—
Lupin: We met on the train, you idiots.
Black, Potter: Way to ruin it, Moony!
Pettigrew: Oh, those jungle branches…
What is your blood status?
Pettigrew: Half.
Lupin: I'm half and half.
Potter: I'm full of it.
Black: No comment.
What is your worst fear?
Black, Potter, Lupin, Pettigrew: Betrayal.
Potter: And Harry turning two.
Black: I second that second.
Lupin, Pettigrew: Me, too.
What is your current occupation?
Lupin: I work for a company branched off of the Ministry which educates magical humans with…problems.
Potter: Furry or otherwise?
Lupin: Shut up, James.
Black: I'm more into my personal life, as it is, but I'm volunteering for a charity which helps non-advanced witches and wizards enchant Muggle artifacts in safe and lawful ways. It's quite rewarding.
Potter: My wife and I are working very hard in a secret organization to stop a certain evil wizard, so that takes prominence over my job…hey, want to join? You get free tea at meetings!
Pettigrew: I'm a cashier at Florish and Blotts. I'm saving up to join the League of Illegally Enchanted Objects Sirius founded—
Black: WORM!
Who was your favorite teacher at school?
Black, Pettigrew, Potter, Lupin: McGonagall.
Why?
Black: There has to be a reason?
Potter: I'm changing my answer.
What is your favorite food?
Black: WHIP CREAM!
Lupin: Isn't it whipped cream?
Black: Oh, as if you'd know, Remus.
Potter: Like it matters.
Pettigrew: I can't decide!
Potter: Oh, uh…lettuce.
Lupin: Steak.
Pettigrew: Stop! There're too many choices. You're confusing me!
Potter: It doesn't take much.
Pettigrew: Potatoes!
Black: Whip cream would own all of that.
What would your perfect date include?
Lupin: A nice meal, candles, and of course a long chat on a subject we both find fascinating.
Black: Screw conversation. There would have to be major snogging, maybe some whip cream, and a ton of sex.
Potter: Whip cream with sex.
Black: Yeah…Shut up, Prongs, you're married.
Pettigrew: I'd want lots of food in mine.
Black: And maybe some chocolate sauce.
Lupin: Honestly, Sirius.
Potter: Bloody bastards.
How often do you use your wand?
Potter: Every day.
Black: All the time.
Lupin: Most days.
Pettigrew: For everything. Sometimes, after I eat a lot, I hover myself to the couch…
Lupin: You're disgraceful.
Potter: To the wizarding world.
Black: …Yeah.
What was the last spell you used?
Pettigrew: Summoning Charm.
Potter: What'd you summon?
Pettigrew: What? Oh, toilet paper.
Black: What is it with you and toilets?
Lupin: I think I used a Memory Modifier.
Black: Sure it didn't backfire? I Stunned.
Pettigrew: Who?
Black: You know that brunette I walked out of the bar with yesterday night.
Lupin: You're like a big barrel full of wit, Sirius.
Black: Thanks, Moony.
Potter: Incarcerous…please, just don't ask.
Black: So let's see how loud we have to yell 'kinky' before James' ears turn red.
Black, Pettigrew, Lupin: Kinky! KINKY!
Black: Damn, that was fast.
Do you prefer shoes to bare feet?
Potter: I like socks, personally. Mostly of the fuzzy variety.
Black: Kink—
Potter: Don't start with me.
Lupin: I prefer shoes.
Pettigrew: You would.
Lupin: What's that supposed to mean? Just because I don't enjoy flaunting my disgusting, callused, fungus-infested toes at other people…
Black: Your feet are infested with effing fungus, Moony? Lemme see!
Potter: Yeah, socks are great.
Lupin: Stop untying my shoelaces!
Describe your ideal woman.
Potter: My wife.
Black, Pettigrew: His wife.
Lupin: If Lily reads this…
Do you have a favorite person?
Black: Moony.
Pettigrew: Padfoot.
Lupin: Prongs.
Potter: Mrs. Prongs.
Pettigrew (indignant): Hey! You bastard.
Potter: When you get married, you'll understand my obligations.
Lupin: James, stop talking. Right now.
What's your favorite form of transportation?
Potter: Broom.
Lupin: Apparation.
Pettigrew: Port key.
Black: Flying.
Pettigrew: Flying how?
Black: There are various ways.
Pettigrew: Yes, but she asked what's your favorite.
Lupin, Black, Potter: Shut up, Peter.
If you had to pick a color to be for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Black: Black.
Potter: Blue.
Lupin: Red.
Pettigrew: All over?
If you had to choose, which spell would you want to be hit with?
Lupin: Something simple, like a Leg-Locker Charm.
Black: Moon, your legs are already locked. Maybe a Bat-Boogy Hex. I've dished a lot out but I've never actually gotten hit by one before.
Pettigrew: They're not fun. I'd want to be hit with a—
Potter: Antler-Growing Charm!
Lupin: Obviously.
Black: Does that even count?
Pettigrew: Probably with—
Potter: A Silencing Charm, then.
Black, Lupin: Hallelujah!
Potter: Hey!
Pettigrew: A Summoning Charm!
Lupin: You want someone to summon you?
Potter (disgusted): Oh please, Peter...
If the four of you made a wizard rock band, what would your name be?
Black: The Serious Blacks.
Potter: The Jammin' Potters.
Pettigrew: The Petty Grews.
Lupin: The Moronic Marauders.
Potter: Or maybe…
Black: Where Are the Wolves!
What one thing would you bring with you on a deserted island?
Lupin, Potter, Black: Wand.
Pettigrew: A potat—wand.
Thank you for your time
Black: What a God-awful pun.
Potter: I agree. The whole selection of time puns, and this was all they could come up with?
Lupin: Nobody likes a critic.
Pettigrew: …I don't get it!
A/N: Reviews are always appreciated! A big thanks to TheOriginalHufflepuff for pointing out my mistake about elementary schools in England. sigh I'll never learn...