I remember every detail, I remember the exact moment, I remember when I learned what being a grown up was all about. It wasn't about finding a job, getting married, or working your life away for two weeks vacation a year; no, being grown up was about dealing with life, and surviving.

I had only lived in the loft for a few weeks. I was just beginning to know him them.

Benny and I had met Collins when he came to speak at Brown as a guest lecturer in our Philosophy class. We had discussed moving to New York City after graduation and during his lecture Collins mentioned that he lived in a loft in the East Village. After class, Benny approached him and asked if he knew of any reasonable priced places in his neighborhood. Collins smiled and shook his head, saying that there was no such thing anymore.

I remained quiet, letting Benny do the talking, but of course Collins reached his arm out to me and forced me to introduce myself. He asked us to show him where to get a good cup of coffee and the three of left the classroom and spent the afternoon getting to know each other. It wasn't too long before Collins was inviting us to stay in his "small but cozy" loft. He apparently had one roommate, a guitarist, who was never there and always late with his rent. He knew Roger wouldn't care because it would be less money every month. Benny and I agreed and I got excited, knowing that I had a home and a great new roommate to start my grown up life with.

A month later, after sporting a cap and gown, drinking too much beer at a graduation party, and kissing my mother good-bye, I moved into the loft on the corner of 11^th Street and Avenue B. Collins was right; it was small, but cozy. There were only two bedrooms, so Benny took over the fold out couch and I was told I'd be sharing a room with Roger. I walked into the room and it was trashed, clothes, papers, books and general garbage were everywhere.

The elusive musician wasn't home so I just pushed his things to one side of the room, and tossed my belongings on my bed. I was aching to go out and start filming. Collins laughed at me, he called me a tornado and I was out the door.

A few hours later, I came back and Collins informed me he was taking us out to The Life Café for a celebratory dinner. He wanted to take his new roommates out so we could all get to know each other. I liked him so much, even though I knew so little about him. He had this smile that just welcomed you, but his eyes had a flicker of danger about him. He was definitely a rule breaker. I could see myself getting into a lot of trouble with him.

Just as we were getting ready to leave, a tall man with bleached blond hair with dark roots walked into the loft. He was carrying a guitar case and was wearing a scowl on his face. He barely looked up to notice Benny and me.

"Roger, Life Café in five minutes."

"I'm not in the mood." He grumbled, finally taking notice of me. "Hey."

"Hey, I'm… I'm Mark."

"How ya doin'?"

"Roger, Mark and Benny are they guys moving in here. Mark is sharing your room with you."

"Oh right, cool." He finally dropped the guitar and reached out his hand. I shook it, and then he offered it to Benny. "I'll be ready in a few minutes."

"I knew he would come."

I smiled and resisted the urge to start bouncing around the loft. I was really hyper and excited and nervous and the energy was just about ready to burst. By the time the four of were walking towards the café, I was talking a mile a minute. I think Roger was amused by me, and Collins just laughed along with me. I had a lot of questions for them. Even though I grew up near the city, I hadn't spent much time there, sans a few school trips to see The Statue of Liberty and museums. I had never been in the East Village before, and it electrified me.

The people's faces on the streets were hardened. They all looked older then I suspected they really were. Even Roger had a hard edge to him. I asked him how long he had lived there and he muttered something about forever. We got The Life Café and we were seated right away, the wait staff obviously recognizing Collins and Roger. Roger pointed out a cute brunette to me and told me they had dated. I noticed her shoot a nasty look in our direction.

Our waitress came over, and immediately sat on Collins' lap, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Hey baby, who are your friends?"

She was possibly the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen. Her red tinted curly hair fell wildly around her face, and her smile made me forget everyone else in the room. Especially when it was directed at me.

"Maureen, this is Mark and Benny. They just moved in with us."

"Oh? Well that's interesting… " She kept smiling at me and I had to finally turn away from her. "New to the city?"

"Yeah, I uh… we just graduated." I felt my face turn red.

"Mark's a filmmaker, Maureen, you and he should have lots to talk about it." Collins suggested, winking at me from behind her. She jumped off his lap and came closer to me.

"A filmmaker, huh? I'm an actress… we should work together!"

"Uh, ok…" I stammered.

"Maureen, will you just take our order, please?"

"Roger," she rolled her eyes, "In a pleasant mood as always, fine what do you want?" We gave her our orders and as she walked away she grazed her hand over my shoulder.

"Wow, that girl if hot!" Benny practically shouted as she walked away. I felt myself turn red again.

"I'd stay clear of her, if I was you Mark, she'll eat you alive." Roger patted my shoulder roughly.

"She's ok, Mark, you should go for her." Collins reiterated. "She likes you, I can tell, she was flirting with you."

"Collins, she flirts with everyone." Roger responded, "Especially someone who is willing to film her or take her picture."

"Well, she doesn't flirt with me like that." He laughed.

"Yeah, well that's because she knows you're a fag."

I looked up suddenly when Roger said that. I was afraid of what Collins' reaction was going to be. I was also a little surprised because I didn't realize he was gay.

"Pink and proud, baby." He blew Roger a kiss and Roger told him to fuck off and they started laughing and I joined them and Benny excused himself to go the bathroom.

"Uh, is Benny freaked out by that?" Collins looked at me.

"I don't… I don't think so…" I shrug.

"What about you?"

"Nah, I don't care."

He nods, and smiles, "I think this is going to work out fine."

Benny came back to the table and remained pretty quiet for the rest of the meal. Maureen kept coming back and checking on us, making sure to touch me in some way each time. When we finally got ready to leave, she came over and gave me a "Welcome to New York" hug and shoved her phone number in my hand.

A few weeks in the loft and my life had never been better. Benny had seemed to finally except the fact that Collins was gay and the two got along really well. Maureen and I had been out a few times and it had gotten pretty serious quickly.

I hadn't quite figured out Roger yet, he was out more than he was home. We had gone off and done a few things together, and I took Maureen to see his band perform. I liked them, not my usual taste in music, but I was really surprised to hear Roger's singing voice. It was so different and unique and he was an amazing songwriter.

Those few weeks I had felt so grown up. I was on my own, I was doing a lot of filming and I spent a lot of time trying to get a job. Benny had a job working as an assistant for some Wall Street guy and was making good money and offered to pay my part of the rent until I found a job. Everything was perfect, I knew it was going to have to change eventually, I just never expected the reality of that would be.

I came home from filming Maureen in the park. I had gone really gorgeous shots of her climbing a tree. I bounded into the loft and found Collins sitting on the couch with his eyes closed. I knew instantly something was wrong.

I put my camera on the table and went over to him.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing, I don't want to talk about it."

He stood up and started walking to his bedroom. I followed him.

"Collins, what's wrong."

"Just leave me the hell alone, Mark." His tone was so bitter, unlike anything I had ever heard from him before.

"Uh…" I didn't know how to react, should I do as he says, or should I push harder?

"Exactly…" He stepped into his room and shut the door. My stomach flipped, I didn't know what to do. I skulked around the loft for a while. I made myself some soup, and knocked on his door asking if he wanted any. He didn't respond. I tried working on my script, but I kept looking at his closed door. Finally Roger came home. I bolted up and started blabbering about what was going on with Collins.

He went to his door automatically and knocked, and then tried to open it and found it blocked. "Collins, come on, its Roger, talk to me." Still no response. He pushed himself against the door, but he couldn't get through. Roger shrugged and said he would come out when he was ready. He looked scared though.

"Do you know what could be wrong?"

"No… I…" I knew he was lying.

"It's ok, it's none of my business."

"Well," he took a deep breath, "I know he had an AIDS test last week."

"What?" The blood in my face disappeared and I felt weak all of the sudden. "Do you think?"

"He found out that an ex-boyfriend of his is positive. He didn't know if he had when they were together or not."

"Oh God…" I took a step back as I tried to digest the information.

The bedroom door opened and Collins stepped out. I looked at his face and could see the stains the tears left behind. He looked at the two of and just nodded. Then he smiled and said it was fine. He was going to be the one to beat it. I went over to him and embraced him, and Roger came over and joined us. Three grown men, in a group hug, none of us letting the others see our tears.

That was the moment I understood what being a grown up was all about.