A/N: Muahahaha, randomness!! Crack!fic.

Clearly… okay, well, you know when Mello get Mogi to go to Near's place? Well, what if Matt had turned up halfway through his phone call? (Italics at the beginning are dialogue taken from the manga)

"No…"

"Then there's somebody near you, right?"

"No…"

"Then this conversation is not being overheard? In that case, I want you to just keep answering so that others around you will not realize who you're talking to."

"Okay."

"Mogi, why don't you come to New York to see me?"

"…?!"

"I won't tell you anything else unless-"

"Hey, Mello! 'M home!"

Mello jumped, eyes immediately flashing as he turned to glare at the narrow passageway Matt would have to come down to get to the living area from the front door, ready to scream bloody murder at the redhead.

He hadn't even time to open his mouth and warn Matt to stop speaking before the younger man continued.

"I got you like 2 boxes of chocolate, that enough?" Mello heard him kicking off his shoes and the rustling of a bag. "Yeah well anyway, I've been running fucking pointless errands for you and I'm all done being a lapdog for today so shift the fuck off the couch and go wank over Near or something, I wanna play Final Fantasy and you just piss me off when I'm playing. Also I wanna smoke and it's raining out so the fuck if you think I'm going on the balcony."

"Matt," Mello hissed in dangerous tones, well aware that Matt was rapidly taking away what little credibility they had left with the NPA.

"What? Oh by the way, it absolutely fucking reeks in here. I mean, I know your all pissed about Near and whatever, but seriously man, take a fucking shower sometime. Although actually this place is a pigsty, I guess all the dirty laundry isn't helping…and the mouldy remnants of takeouts. 'Kay…so d'you wanna wash up or try figure out how to use a washing machine? I personally wouldn't trust me with the laundry. Last time I fucking flooded the laundrette… yeah, so I'm banned from the one just down the road. Oh and also the one two blocks over. I forgot to take the gun outa my old jeans, actually I kinda forgot I even had that one, was a nice surprise to find it…actually now I make sure I have exactly 7 firearms on me at all times, and the rest under my bed so I don't you know, lose or forget about them anymore. Plus I don't keep them in my jacket anymore either, don't want a repeat of what happened in the Grocery store…jeez I feel kinda bad for that old lady, I think I gave her a heart-attack worthy of Kira…d'you think she's okay? Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, weapons, I also keep a baseball bat under my bed, you know, for the zombies. And I know we've had that conversation/argument many times but you know, it's just in case. Anyway…oh yeah, the laundrette. So I took it out and people saw and yada yada yada, small case of mass laundrette hysteria and what-not and now I'm totally banned."

Mello was now torn between laughing, crying and going and beating the shit out of Matt. With as much dignity as he could muster he took a deep breath and in a strained voice managed to say, "If you'll excuse me a moment." Between gritted teeth down the phone, which he then set down on the table, pulling his gun out just as Matt ambled into the room.

Matt only had to take one look at Mello's face to know he had done something wrong.

And the correct protocol when one has inadvertently angered Mello?

"I didn't do it." Matt defended quickly, raising his palms.

Mello cocked the gun.

Matt snatched the cigarette from his mouth and hid it behind his back – just in case that's what Mello was angry about – and if it wasn't, then maybe he hadn't noticed and it would be one less thing he'd done wrong. Smoking inside was not allowed. Mello said so.

Matt let out a nervous laugh, noting how Mello was trembling in apparent fury. "Hahaha…you know, I could find a different laundrette and do that as well as the washing up…"

Mello's finger tightened on the trigger.

"Is this about the Near comment? 'Cos I was just fucking about…I realize now that that was clearly not a good idea and am truly sorry for my hurtful words PleaseDon'tShootMe."

Mello's homicidal eyes flashed.

"Or was it the zombie thing? Cos I know they aren't real; you don't have to keep telling me that it just makes me feel better. Kinda like a security blankie…hahaa…I'm just digging myself a hole here aren't I? And if I keep speaking much longer your totally gonna bury me in that hole aren't you? Hahaaa…I'm digging my own grave…"

Unfortunately, before Mello had time to get his coherency back, the cigarette Matt had unsuccessfully hidden behind his back had finally burnt low enough to burn his fingers.

Having forgotten about the smouldering thing, Matt immediately yelped and dropped it, bring his slightly burnt finger up to his mouth with a vague mumble of "Owwy."

Even more unfortunately, the cigarette just happened to land on the shirt Matt had been wearing yesterday, and Mello had just happened to have thrown a glass of whisky at Matt who had been wearing said shirt yesterday.

Said shirt was now alight.

"…I realize that I probably should not be moving or speaking whilst you have a gun pointed at me, but I really really feel like I should go find a fire extinguisher or something…no actually a wet towel. I'm not good with fire extinguishers, last time I tried to use one I fired it in my eye and you have no idea how much that hurt…though I was pretty drunk at the time…then again I'm a little drunk now too. And I know it's only like, 3pm, but what's a guy to do when they're tailing people? Besides, nobody expects a crazy drunk would be tailing them…Oh god, crazy drunk's stalk people…okay, blonde moment there, clearly the alcohol was affecting my judgement before I started the tailing/stalking and oh my god I don't mean that all blonde's are stupid! It's just a saying cos', your blonde and not stupid at all…I on the other hand am blatantly very stupid, and I'm only validating my stupidity by continuing to talk crap despite the fact I am only making you angrier… okay please say something. From my point of view I currently have two options, move and get shot, or stay put and go up in flames. Neither are very appealing options."

Mello closed his eyes and took another deep breath. "Put the fire out, then get the fuck out."

Matt didn't hesitate to comply, scrambling over the various obstacles on the floor and into the kitchen, where there was a loud 'THUD' and lot of clanging. Mello sank back into the armchair and attempted to compose himself, praying that the Japanese taskforce had not just heard Matt's insane babbling.

He had just picked the phone back up when Matt stumbled out of the kitchen, sopping wet and clutching at a container of water, which he promptly dumped over the flaming shirt.

After dropping the container and shaking his head like a wet dog, he ambled cautiously over to Mello, hovering beside the chair in a manner that made it clear that he wanted something, but wasn't going to speak until given permission to do so.

"What?" Mello growled through gritted teeth, eyes closed.

"Umm…I may or may not have broken the sink…"

"What?" It was at that point that Mello felt icy water beginning to pool around his bare toes. He yelped.

"…Hence the water."

"Matt what the fuck?!"

"Um, yeah…I broke the sink. I kinda pulled the tap off, then got mad and kicked the pipes underneath, and now there's water shooting out of the tap-hole at a scary force. But the good news is, the fire is out! We will no longer burn to death! However we may drown…"

"Get out before I kill you."

"But the water-"

"Out."

"Yeah, but-"

"You have five seconds."

"-Mello-"

"4"

"-Don't you think-"

"3"

"-We should-"

"2"

"-Call a plumber?"

"1"

"Oh holy shit! I'm going! I'm going!" the redhead yelled as Mello aimed.

As Matt scampered out of the flooding apartment, Mello purposely fired three times at him, deliberately missing (and just a tiny bit disappointed about it at the same time.)

On the other end of the line the Japanese taskforce sat in stunned silence.

Mello finally came back to the phone. "Look just do the fuck as I tell you or else I swear to god I will send that useless fucking lazy-ass gamer to you so that he may set fire to things, drink himself into an hysterical state of paranoia which in turn causes him to do zombie checks around your HQ armed with a baseball bat, bring home roughly 5 random stray animals per-day and just ruin your lives in-fucking-general."

Mogi blinked, looking questionably at Light.

Light merely shrugged, trying to decide whether what he just heard made Mello more or less of a threat.

He eventually gave the go-ahead nod to Mogi, deciding that Mello was still unpredictably dangerous, and probably crazy enough to actually follow through with his threat, and the hell if he wanted this disaster-prone Matt guy - who had both managed to set fire to and flood his apartment within the space of three minutes- turning up on his doorstep.

He sighed. "Assume Mello is just as dangerous as before, yet ten times as insane."