Dating the Musician
A Daria/Dating the Enemy Crossover
By Fiona Lim
[email protected]
Dating the Enemy was an Australia-made movie (romantic-comedy) released in
early 1996. It involves a couple (male and female) who find that they have
mysteriously switched bodies. Thus, expect at some point gender-specific jokes
and so on. By this stage, I hope you realise that this is a 'fanfic' and thus
the only thing I can claim from it is the portrayal of the characters and the
precise nature of the storyline (rather than the actual idea).
Assumptions:
1) Jane's Addition never occurred
2) Thus, Tom and all the occurences involving his appearance never happened.
3) Readers realise that this is a Trent-Daria-esque fanfic.
4) Readers realise that flames will be laughed at, flattery read and forgotten
and creative criticism and feedback remembered forever.
Note: I've tried to be as original as possible given the subject matter.
Unfortunately, on re-reading portions I realise that quite a lot sounds familiar.
This is probably because while I wrote portions, I was still reading Daria fanfics
out there. Thus, if something seems familiar and similar to what you wrote, tell
me and I'll stick in a disclaimer or withdraw whatever it was. No copyright
infringement (other than the obvious) is intended. Plagarism is for fools (and
possibly the rich).
Prologue
[SUPER at bottom of screen in white:]
[Super:]
14th of September, Senior Year
Lawndale
[SCENE: Opening montage: above view of Lawndale (corporate sector) moving swiftly past
down-town with a drop and run through a deserted Dega Street, crossing into Main Street
and rising again to move towards the residential area]
[VOICEOVER] Narrator [deadpan voice]: In the mists of time, legends say that humans were whole
and happy, fearing nothing and needing no-one. In our joy, we angered the gods who had created
us and who, in our blissful existence, we had forgotten to thank and worship continously with
rites involving daily prayers and weekly congregations of idol worship intersped briefly with
mob-like attacks on those who worships idols other than ours.
[CAMERA SWINGS down road, following several cars moving past LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL (Local public
high school). CAMERA FOLLOWS through the doors, past several students at lockers and through
several more halls before entering a door.]
[SCENE SWITCH TO: Classroom. ZOOM TO:]
[MR. O'NEIL (English Teacher at Lawndale High) is sitting at the front, an alarmed look on his
face. CAMERA PAN to show a senior class with DARIA (Eldest Morgendoffer daughter/Heroine)
standing up, obviously reading outloud. She is the NARRATOR]
Daria/Narrator: In their anger - brought about by the sense of impotence they felt due to their
inability to either control something independent and their lack of true supernatural sense - the
gods split each human into twain. The humans were cursed to wander the Earth searching for the
other half of their self. They constantly experienced sensations of loneliness, unhappiness,
misery which led to techniques variously known as 'repression','delusion' and 'religion' in their
attempt to deny their existence or escape the reality that had been created.
[CUT TO: O'NEIL who looks close to tears. CUT TO: Jane who is smirking. A row over and behind
her, KEVIN looks bored and is flipping through FOOTBALL AMERICA (magazine) while BRITANNY is
listening while twirling the tip of her hair around her little finger. JODIE has a small smile
on her face while MACK is openly grinning. Several of the other students have shocked
expressions, the rest look bored]
Daria/Narrator [flat voice]: Legends say that several lucky few will find their 'other half' and
attempt to recreate the sensation they felt before they were cut in twain by enduring a physical
combining. Unfortunately, to fulfil this legend, many delude themselves into believing they have
found their other half. This has led to much after-effects such as children, fashion, high
schools and [DARIA looks at O'NEIL] teachers.
[DARIA sits down. O'NEIL stands up opens his mouth to say something then bursts into tears and
runs out of the door]
Jane [leaning over to DARIA]: Damn you're good.
Daria [Mona Lisa smile]: I know.
[CUE opening credits: Song: Fade to Black by Mortal]
[MONTAGE: Hallway with students talking in groups at their lockers. QUINN (Second/Youngest
Morgendoffer daughter) is walking past talking to SANDI with TIFFANI and STACY (Fashion Club) in
attendance, behind them, the three Js (JEFFY, JOEY and JAMIE) follow eagerly. BRITANNY and KEVIN
are kissing while leaning against a locker. JODIE is walking quickly down the corridor with a
stack of books, MACK is helping her with another stack of books. JANE and DARIA are walking out
of the classroom]
[SUPER in middle of screen: Skyehawke Archives Proudly Presents]
Jane: Congratulations. That was the fourth time this month, and its only our tenth Senior
Comparitive English class for the year.
Daria: I haven't been feeling well. [smirk]
[SUPER in middle of screen: In Conjunction with Fantaghiro Visions]
Jane: Pizza?
[SUPER in middle of screen: Proudly Presents]
Daria: Let's see. Eat food-derived products in the cafateria or fat-related produce from Pizza
King. [beat] Choices, choices.
[SUPER in middle of screen: Daria Morgendoffer]
Jane: Ah. The freedom of being a senior. Permission to leave school for lunch. [beat] So long
as we don't bring our leave-taking to the attention of Ms. Li. [grins] Which is why it's so
useful that Mr. O'Neil let us out early from class.
[SUPER in middle of screen: Jane Lane]
Daria: I can only try.
[SCENE SWITCH: LANE house where TRENT is lying face down on bed. The Duck-Phone quacks. A hand
reaches up and picks it up]
Trent: Mrgh?
[SUPER in middle of screen: Trent Lane]
Jesse [Voice Only - tinny coming through phone]: Yo man. Where are you? The gig starts in twenty
minutes. Can't start without the lead.
[SUPER in middle of screen: Jesse Moreno and Mystic Spiral]
Trent: [eyes wide, shocked] Sorry man! I overslept. [beat] I'll be right there.
[SCENE SWITCH: Teacher's Lounge. O'NEIL is sobbing on couch. D'MARTINO is awkwardly standing
there listening in the stance of: 'Don't know how to leave without having to deal with worse
hystronics']
Timothy (O'Neil): I [sob] knew I shouldn't have given the modern-comparison of [sob] old
mythology assignment so soon! [gasps and continues sobbing] She's so good! But - she doesn't
understand what I'm trying to teach and - [gulp] I don't want to fail her but - [sob] Every . .
. [sob] She's so cynical [sob] and depressing! [wail]
Anthony (D'Martino): PERHAPS you SHOULD just choose ASSIGNMENTS with SMALLER titles TIMOTHY!
[roles eyes and stalks away as O'NEIL continues sobbing. He walks out as BARCH walks in and
notices O'NEIL] Tell sobbin' FITS over there that if MS LI finds OUT he's taken ANOTHER personal
timeout SHE'll be on the WAR PATH! [beat] AGAIN.
Barch: What's wrong skinny?
Timothy (O'Neil): [looks up and sobs]
[SCENE SWITCH: DARIA and JANE in Pizza King in usual booth]
Jane [mid slice]: Damn!
Daria [one eye brow raised]: Are you talking to me or the voices in your head - [beat] again?
Jane: I didn't even get to hand in my assignment. [looks depressed]
Daria: You *did* your assignment.
Jane: Hey - this *is* senior year. And you have to pass English to graduate.
Daria: It's a painting right?
Jane: [smirking] All Mr. O'Neil said was to relate an old myth into modern terms. He never said
anything about it being written.
Daria: That's because, as an English class assignment, it's considered a given that the work will
be in a language of some sort. [beat] I think I'll do the next assignment in French - that
should get us out early enough to have a super-delux everything-on-it.
Jane: [surprised] You know French?
[SUPER in middle of screen: in 'DATING THE MUSICAN']
Daria: Good point. [beat] How about pig latin?
Jane: [deadpan] Hail to the master.
[SUPER in middle of screen: A Daria/Dating the Enemy crossover by Fiona Lim]
[fade to black]
la la LA la la
[ACT 1: SCENE 1]
[SCENE: Mystic Spiral is standing on top of a stage finishing a set in front of a day-time lunch
crowd at a bar]
[TRENT and JESSE are leaning in together as MAX starts to increase the beat and NIC tries to keep
up in the back with the portable keyboard]
Jesse: - told me who I was
Trent: Twelve stinkin' years ago.
Trent and Jesse: Now you taken it away
Trent: And I don't know who I am any more.
Jesse: [background] Twelve stinkin' years
Trent: Took my ability to make my own words./So now I'm standing here
[Jesse leans and joins in] Twelve stinkin' years later/ And I'm bitter and angry/ And cynically
sad
[JESSE starts in a guitar solo, with the rest of the band attempting to keep up. TRENT leans
forward at the end, pulling the mike in close. As he does MAX stops playing abruptely; NIC's
playing stops as well - however, it doesn't stop as quickly as MAX's drumbeat, so there's a weird
'squawk' in the sudden silence]
[Accompanied only by JESSE who is playing softly - a low 'thrum, thrum, thrum - da-dum']
Trent [low, almost a whisper]: Because/ My identity is missing/ But I don't want it back.
[The song ends. TRENT looks up, several members in the crowd look vaguely interested, the rest
are talking, eating or drinking at the bar].
Trent: Hey. You've been a great audience. We're Mystic Spiral.
[TRENT, NIC, JESSE and MAX walk off, JESSE and TRENT carrying their guitars. Scattered applause
can be heard for several seconds before they trail off. AIDAN YIK - the owner of the bar - walks
up, he is a balding, fat, short man with a stained shirt and a faded blue bowler's jacket over
gray slacks]
Yik (owner of bar): Thanks for appearing on such short notice boys.
Trent: No problem man.
[There is silence for several seconds as if neither YIK nor Mystic Spiral know what to do next]
Nick: You said twenty dollars - each.
Yik: Oh? Oh yeah - whoops. Nearly forgot. [pulls out a sheaft of bills from the inside pocket
of his jacket] Here.
[NICK takes it quickly and counts it, before frowning]
Nick: There's only seventy here.
Yik [eyes widen in an attempt at surprise]: What? Oh - sorry! Sorry! [pulls out another ten and
hands it to Nick, throwing him a disgusted look before stalking off].
Nick: Idiot. [takes twenty and begins splitting the cash to JESSE, MAX and TRENT]
Max [taking the twenty]: Gas money for the tank!
Jesse: Rent. [pause] Food for the week. [pause] Maybe.
Trent: Cool. [beat. Turns to leave]
[NICK stops him]
Nick: Yo Trent. We need to talk. Mystic Spiral I mean.
[CUT TO: The Lane's Basement]
Trent: What's up Nick?
[Mystic Spiral are sprawled variously on the chairs and the couch set up near one door. JESSE is
drinking a strange red liquid from a glass, there's a strange look on his face - its obvious that
he doesn't like the taste but is thirsty. MAX has what looks like a portion of an automobile on
the table and is cleaning it]
Nick: Look man. We need to seriously think. I mean, the rest of us in the band don't have,
like, free board and food. [beat. JESSE looks up, eyes sharpening, he continues drinking] Jesse
and Max have to pay for food and groceries and the bills. And I've got a kid. Twenty every
couple of weeks ain't enough to survive. Not even with government support and stuff.
Max [not looking up]: And the Tank needs more cash for maintenance.
Trent: [frowning] We ask for forty for each member per set? [frown deepens] Most of our gigs come
'cause we're affordable not like 'Bashin' Brains' or 'Tumblin' Weed' down in Oakdale -
Nick [cutting in, voice angry]: It can't be solved that easily man. I don't know bout you but
I'm sick of twenty-buck gigs in the middle of no where. I'm sick of drunk assholes and low-life
owners who try to stiff us a lousy ten bucks!
Trent: Every band has to start small to make it big man. You *know* that -
Nick: We've been doing small stuff for the past four years *man*. Like we've been thinking of
changing that name for the past year.
Trent: So what do you want to do? [angry] Quit?
Nick: I want us to do something! Mystic Spiral isn't going anywhere!
Max [alarmed look in eyes as he watches NICK and TRENT fight]: Chill you two.
[NICK and TRENT don't hear MAX]
Trent: Maybe if you could keep in time with the rest of us we would!
Nick: Maybe if you could stay awake enough to get to practise and our gigs on TIME I could figure
out what sort of time you're using Trent cause it sure as hell ain't two by four or anything else
I've ever heard of!
Trent: [angry] Just because I'm -
Nick: A narcoleptic?! A lazy no-good useless slacker? It's been four years Trent and you *still*
can't play a lousy open d! I should have known better than to join a band with somebody who
failed a high school *music appreciation class*! Mr D'Martino was right about you!
[END ACT 1: SCENE 1]
A Daria/Dating the Enemy Crossover
By Fiona Lim
[email protected]
Dating the Enemy was an Australia-made movie (romantic-comedy) released in
early 1996. It involves a couple (male and female) who find that they have
mysteriously switched bodies. Thus, expect at some point gender-specific jokes
and so on. By this stage, I hope you realise that this is a 'fanfic' and thus
the only thing I can claim from it is the portrayal of the characters and the
precise nature of the storyline (rather than the actual idea).
Assumptions:
1) Jane's Addition never occurred
2) Thus, Tom and all the occurences involving his appearance never happened.
3) Readers realise that this is a Trent-Daria-esque fanfic.
4) Readers realise that flames will be laughed at, flattery read and forgotten
and creative criticism and feedback remembered forever.
Note: I've tried to be as original as possible given the subject matter.
Unfortunately, on re-reading portions I realise that quite a lot sounds familiar.
This is probably because while I wrote portions, I was still reading Daria fanfics
out there. Thus, if something seems familiar and similar to what you wrote, tell
me and I'll stick in a disclaimer or withdraw whatever it was. No copyright
infringement (other than the obvious) is intended. Plagarism is for fools (and
possibly the rich).
Prologue
[SUPER at bottom of screen in white:]
[Super:]
14th of September, Senior Year
Lawndale
[SCENE: Opening montage: above view of Lawndale (corporate sector) moving swiftly past
down-town with a drop and run through a deserted Dega Street, crossing into Main Street
and rising again to move towards the residential area]
[VOICEOVER] Narrator [deadpan voice]: In the mists of time, legends say that humans were whole
and happy, fearing nothing and needing no-one. In our joy, we angered the gods who had created
us and who, in our blissful existence, we had forgotten to thank and worship continously with
rites involving daily prayers and weekly congregations of idol worship intersped briefly with
mob-like attacks on those who worships idols other than ours.
[CAMERA SWINGS down road, following several cars moving past LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL (Local public
high school). CAMERA FOLLOWS through the doors, past several students at lockers and through
several more halls before entering a door.]
[SCENE SWITCH TO: Classroom. ZOOM TO:]
[MR. O'NEIL (English Teacher at Lawndale High) is sitting at the front, an alarmed look on his
face. CAMERA PAN to show a senior class with DARIA (Eldest Morgendoffer daughter/Heroine)
standing up, obviously reading outloud. She is the NARRATOR]
Daria/Narrator: In their anger - brought about by the sense of impotence they felt due to their
inability to either control something independent and their lack of true supernatural sense - the
gods split each human into twain. The humans were cursed to wander the Earth searching for the
other half of their self. They constantly experienced sensations of loneliness, unhappiness,
misery which led to techniques variously known as 'repression','delusion' and 'religion' in their
attempt to deny their existence or escape the reality that had been created.
[CUT TO: O'NEIL who looks close to tears. CUT TO: Jane who is smirking. A row over and behind
her, KEVIN looks bored and is flipping through FOOTBALL AMERICA (magazine) while BRITANNY is
listening while twirling the tip of her hair around her little finger. JODIE has a small smile
on her face while MACK is openly grinning. Several of the other students have shocked
expressions, the rest look bored]
Daria/Narrator [flat voice]: Legends say that several lucky few will find their 'other half' and
attempt to recreate the sensation they felt before they were cut in twain by enduring a physical
combining. Unfortunately, to fulfil this legend, many delude themselves into believing they have
found their other half. This has led to much after-effects such as children, fashion, high
schools and [DARIA looks at O'NEIL] teachers.
[DARIA sits down. O'NEIL stands up opens his mouth to say something then bursts into tears and
runs out of the door]
Jane [leaning over to DARIA]: Damn you're good.
Daria [Mona Lisa smile]: I know.
[CUE opening credits: Song: Fade to Black by Mortal]
[MONTAGE: Hallway with students talking in groups at their lockers. QUINN (Second/Youngest
Morgendoffer daughter) is walking past talking to SANDI with TIFFANI and STACY (Fashion Club) in
attendance, behind them, the three Js (JEFFY, JOEY and JAMIE) follow eagerly. BRITANNY and KEVIN
are kissing while leaning against a locker. JODIE is walking quickly down the corridor with a
stack of books, MACK is helping her with another stack of books. JANE and DARIA are walking out
of the classroom]
[SUPER in middle of screen: Skyehawke Archives Proudly Presents]
Jane: Congratulations. That was the fourth time this month, and its only our tenth Senior
Comparitive English class for the year.
Daria: I haven't been feeling well. [smirk]
[SUPER in middle of screen: In Conjunction with Fantaghiro Visions]
Jane: Pizza?
[SUPER in middle of screen: Proudly Presents]
Daria: Let's see. Eat food-derived products in the cafateria or fat-related produce from Pizza
King. [beat] Choices, choices.
[SUPER in middle of screen: Daria Morgendoffer]
Jane: Ah. The freedom of being a senior. Permission to leave school for lunch. [beat] So long
as we don't bring our leave-taking to the attention of Ms. Li. [grins] Which is why it's so
useful that Mr. O'Neil let us out early from class.
[SUPER in middle of screen: Jane Lane]
Daria: I can only try.
[SCENE SWITCH: LANE house where TRENT is lying face down on bed. The Duck-Phone quacks. A hand
reaches up and picks it up]
Trent: Mrgh?
[SUPER in middle of screen: Trent Lane]
Jesse [Voice Only - tinny coming through phone]: Yo man. Where are you? The gig starts in twenty
minutes. Can't start without the lead.
[SUPER in middle of screen: Jesse Moreno and Mystic Spiral]
Trent: [eyes wide, shocked] Sorry man! I overslept. [beat] I'll be right there.
[SCENE SWITCH: Teacher's Lounge. O'NEIL is sobbing on couch. D'MARTINO is awkwardly standing
there listening in the stance of: 'Don't know how to leave without having to deal with worse
hystronics']
Timothy (O'Neil): I [sob] knew I shouldn't have given the modern-comparison of [sob] old
mythology assignment so soon! [gasps and continues sobbing] She's so good! But - she doesn't
understand what I'm trying to teach and - [gulp] I don't want to fail her but - [sob] Every . .
. [sob] She's so cynical [sob] and depressing! [wail]
Anthony (D'Martino): PERHAPS you SHOULD just choose ASSIGNMENTS with SMALLER titles TIMOTHY!
[roles eyes and stalks away as O'NEIL continues sobbing. He walks out as BARCH walks in and
notices O'NEIL] Tell sobbin' FITS over there that if MS LI finds OUT he's taken ANOTHER personal
timeout SHE'll be on the WAR PATH! [beat] AGAIN.
Barch: What's wrong skinny?
Timothy (O'Neil): [looks up and sobs]
[SCENE SWITCH: DARIA and JANE in Pizza King in usual booth]
Jane [mid slice]: Damn!
Daria [one eye brow raised]: Are you talking to me or the voices in your head - [beat] again?
Jane: I didn't even get to hand in my assignment. [looks depressed]
Daria: You *did* your assignment.
Jane: Hey - this *is* senior year. And you have to pass English to graduate.
Daria: It's a painting right?
Jane: [smirking] All Mr. O'Neil said was to relate an old myth into modern terms. He never said
anything about it being written.
Daria: That's because, as an English class assignment, it's considered a given that the work will
be in a language of some sort. [beat] I think I'll do the next assignment in French - that
should get us out early enough to have a super-delux everything-on-it.
Jane: [surprised] You know French?
[SUPER in middle of screen: in 'DATING THE MUSICAN']
Daria: Good point. [beat] How about pig latin?
Jane: [deadpan] Hail to the master.
[SUPER in middle of screen: A Daria/Dating the Enemy crossover by Fiona Lim]
[fade to black]
la la LA la la
[ACT 1: SCENE 1]
[SCENE: Mystic Spiral is standing on top of a stage finishing a set in front of a day-time lunch
crowd at a bar]
[TRENT and JESSE are leaning in together as MAX starts to increase the beat and NIC tries to keep
up in the back with the portable keyboard]
Jesse: - told me who I was
Trent: Twelve stinkin' years ago.
Trent and Jesse: Now you taken it away
Trent: And I don't know who I am any more.
Jesse: [background] Twelve stinkin' years
Trent: Took my ability to make my own words./So now I'm standing here
[Jesse leans and joins in] Twelve stinkin' years later/ And I'm bitter and angry/ And cynically
sad
[JESSE starts in a guitar solo, with the rest of the band attempting to keep up. TRENT leans
forward at the end, pulling the mike in close. As he does MAX stops playing abruptely; NIC's
playing stops as well - however, it doesn't stop as quickly as MAX's drumbeat, so there's a weird
'squawk' in the sudden silence]
[Accompanied only by JESSE who is playing softly - a low 'thrum, thrum, thrum - da-dum']
Trent [low, almost a whisper]: Because/ My identity is missing/ But I don't want it back.
[The song ends. TRENT looks up, several members in the crowd look vaguely interested, the rest
are talking, eating or drinking at the bar].
Trent: Hey. You've been a great audience. We're Mystic Spiral.
[TRENT, NIC, JESSE and MAX walk off, JESSE and TRENT carrying their guitars. Scattered applause
can be heard for several seconds before they trail off. AIDAN YIK - the owner of the bar - walks
up, he is a balding, fat, short man with a stained shirt and a faded blue bowler's jacket over
gray slacks]
Yik (owner of bar): Thanks for appearing on such short notice boys.
Trent: No problem man.
[There is silence for several seconds as if neither YIK nor Mystic Spiral know what to do next]
Nick: You said twenty dollars - each.
Yik: Oh? Oh yeah - whoops. Nearly forgot. [pulls out a sheaft of bills from the inside pocket
of his jacket] Here.
[NICK takes it quickly and counts it, before frowning]
Nick: There's only seventy here.
Yik [eyes widen in an attempt at surprise]: What? Oh - sorry! Sorry! [pulls out another ten and
hands it to Nick, throwing him a disgusted look before stalking off].
Nick: Idiot. [takes twenty and begins splitting the cash to JESSE, MAX and TRENT]
Max [taking the twenty]: Gas money for the tank!
Jesse: Rent. [pause] Food for the week. [pause] Maybe.
Trent: Cool. [beat. Turns to leave]
[NICK stops him]
Nick: Yo Trent. We need to talk. Mystic Spiral I mean.
[CUT TO: The Lane's Basement]
Trent: What's up Nick?
[Mystic Spiral are sprawled variously on the chairs and the couch set up near one door. JESSE is
drinking a strange red liquid from a glass, there's a strange look on his face - its obvious that
he doesn't like the taste but is thirsty. MAX has what looks like a portion of an automobile on
the table and is cleaning it]
Nick: Look man. We need to seriously think. I mean, the rest of us in the band don't have,
like, free board and food. [beat. JESSE looks up, eyes sharpening, he continues drinking] Jesse
and Max have to pay for food and groceries and the bills. And I've got a kid. Twenty every
couple of weeks ain't enough to survive. Not even with government support and stuff.
Max [not looking up]: And the Tank needs more cash for maintenance.
Trent: [frowning] We ask for forty for each member per set? [frown deepens] Most of our gigs come
'cause we're affordable not like 'Bashin' Brains' or 'Tumblin' Weed' down in Oakdale -
Nick [cutting in, voice angry]: It can't be solved that easily man. I don't know bout you but
I'm sick of twenty-buck gigs in the middle of no where. I'm sick of drunk assholes and low-life
owners who try to stiff us a lousy ten bucks!
Trent: Every band has to start small to make it big man. You *know* that -
Nick: We've been doing small stuff for the past four years *man*. Like we've been thinking of
changing that name for the past year.
Trent: So what do you want to do? [angry] Quit?
Nick: I want us to do something! Mystic Spiral isn't going anywhere!
Max [alarmed look in eyes as he watches NICK and TRENT fight]: Chill you two.
[NICK and TRENT don't hear MAX]
Trent: Maybe if you could keep in time with the rest of us we would!
Nick: Maybe if you could stay awake enough to get to practise and our gigs on TIME I could figure
out what sort of time you're using Trent cause it sure as hell ain't two by four or anything else
I've ever heard of!
Trent: [angry] Just because I'm -
Nick: A narcoleptic?! A lazy no-good useless slacker? It's been four years Trent and you *still*
can't play a lousy open d! I should have known better than to join a band with somebody who
failed a high school *music appreciation class*! Mr D'Martino was right about you!
[END ACT 1: SCENE 1]