Title: Give Me A Reason

Author: TheNaughtyBits

Pairing: Harry/Remus

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: I do not own the world or the characters! I'm just a poor writer!

Notes: It's currently being beta-ed so please bear with it's mistakes. I'll post the beta-ed version when it's done :D

The world to Harry Potter that day was dark, cold and pointless. Everyday was the same, not always dark, not always cold, but always entirely pointless. The black haired boy sighed to himself and traced the familiar route back to his flat in Muggle London. Muggle London was convenient for Harry; it had shops, pubs, Diagon Alley, and enough Muggles to keep most of his insipid fans away. His life was like standing on the edge of a crowd, close enough to join in, but far enough to opt out.

He sighed again. It was December, and as he trudged through the grey sludge that passed as snow, he realized he didn't want to return to his flat alone. He didn't want to see the cracked window, the dripping tap, or the cold, empty bed. He didn't want to go back and breathe that heavy polluted air, or hear his Mexican neighbours arguing through the thin walls. It was with a slight shudder that he realised he never wanted to go back there again.

A bus rattled past and splashed a puddle of icy water over his feet, which made his gasp and look up. The streets of Muggle London were lit up festively. Not with fairies and charms like Diagon Alley undoubtedly was, but with large electric lights. The still silence of the decorations made Harry smile. He was sick of magic. Idly, he let his feet carry him along for a moment, before realizing where he was.

A day long ago, one of the few occasional days of Harry's childhood he wanted to remember, the usual baby sitter had been ill, so Aunt Petunia had brought Dudley, and unwillingly Harry, to London to see the lights and go Christmas shopping. Harry had been completely entranced then, and as he looked around the street, he started to remember moments of the day. He currently stood outside Harrods, where Dudley had once stood screaming for his television whilst Harry had been glued to the window, watching a soft velvet teddy bear ride round a small track on a brightly coloured train. The display was very different now, featuring a new electronic shooting game and a soldiers dressing up kit, complete with army face paint.

He carried on walking wrapped in his own thoughts. That was the bench where they'd sat when Dudley got tired, there was where the fancy café they'd stopped for tea had been, now a shop setting posh women's clothing, that was where Dudley pushed him in the road, that was the shop that had that beautiful panda teddy bear he had spent three Christmas's wanting…

Suddenly there was a bump, a small glimmer of warmth and then he hit the ground. The cold, hard, wet ground. He looked up at the silhouette of the stranger; apologizing profusely and started picking up the things the man had bought.

A warm familiar hand grasped his and helped him to his feet. He looked up and caught a warm, familiar gaze from golden eyes. He gasped.

"Remus!"

"Hello, Harry" The older man said smiling. He looked almost exactly the same as the last time Harry saw him, almost a year and a half ago at the Victory Ball. His hair was perhaps a little longer and maybe there were a few more line characterizing his face, but he still looked the same, worn but handsome. Wrapped in a faded Gryffindor scarf, his cheeks pinked with cold, he looked so very like the professor that had once taught him to ward off Dementors.

Somehow, Harry found he couldn't smile back and leapt forward to hug the professor. It had been so long since he had seen any of them; suddenly he needed to know they were still there.

Lupin blushed for a second, surprise flashing in his eyes before awkwardly returning the hug. When Harry let go, the older man smiled.

"So what are you doing Muggle London?" They both asked, simultaneously. Harry laughed nervously, and Remus chuckled.

"Come on. Let's go get a coffee."

The café they chose was small and discreet, enticing them in with the smell of coffee and baked goods. Harry smiled at the waitress and ordered a cappuccino and a sandwich, whilst Lupin ordered tea and a large chocolaty muffin.

"I came up here to do some Christmas shopping." Lupin said once they'd sat down, indicating to his many bags. Harry raised an eyebrow.

"What's wrong with Diagon Alley?" He asked curiously. Lupin looked shocked for a moment.

"You mean you haven't heard?"

Harry shook his head mystified, and the werewolf looked furthermore shocked.

"How can you – What happened in Diagon Alley was a accident. One of the Weasley's experiments went wrong, and took out half the street. It's currently being rebuilt."

Harry gasped. "Were the twins ok? Was everyone alright?"

Lupin nodded. "Of course, they had spells to protect themselves from this kind of thing." Harry nodded relieved. "How can you not have heard?" Lupin looked more concerned than worried, and took a sip of tea.

"I - I cancelled my subscription to the Daily Prophet." He said quickly. Lupin frowned.

"And you haven't been to Diagon Alley in a month? Or to The Burrow? I'm sure Ginny or Ron or even the twins themselves- " He broke off looking intently at Harry, who had turned an interesting shade of pink, and busied himself removing the cucumber from his sandwich. There was a sigh. "Have you had any contact with the wizarding world? At all?" The voice sounded cracked, pitying.

Harry shook his head. "Not for about a half year." He said quietly. "I…I could seem to get any piece so, so I moved out." He said with a sigh. " I now have a flat here in London." He tried to smile. "There just didn't seem to be any reason for me to be a wizard anymore." He shrugged, too casually and took a sip of his drink.

Remus looked at Harry intently for a moment, Harry gazing back like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Eventually he dropped the gaze and turned to look out the window and watch the people hurrying past in the falling snow. It was beginning to get dark.

"You should have said something. People were worried." He said quietly. "I myself called on you several times. Why didn't you answer anybody's owls?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "I haven't received any owls." He said honestly.

It was Lupin's turn to look surprised. "Oh," was all he said. He stood up. "I'd better be going." He said fishing into his pocket for some Muggle change. "I still have a few more presents I need to get."

Harry looked at his watch. "How close is it to Christmas?" He asked.

Again Remus's eyebrow rose. "Sixteen days."

"Well, do you want to stay at my place tonight?" He asked suddenly, on impulse. "It's nearly closing time, and it's a long way to travel back."

Lupin considered him for a moment. "Alright, Harry. Give me your address and I'll Apparate over when I'm done." Harry nodded and took a pen from his pocket, scrawling the address on a napkin.

"What do you want for dinner?" Harry asked, standing up as well. Remus smiled slightly.

"Don't worry about it. I'll cook, if you do the washing up."

Harry nodded and smiled. "I'll see you in a bit then."

They paid, left the café and set off in different directions, Harry to walk back home and Remus to continue on into town. When Harry got back to his little flat, he opened the windows to clear the heavy smell and started clearing up, throwing out all the takeout boxes, and the pile of muggle newspapers that had been accumulating by the door. He changed the sheets on the bed in the spare room, had a shower, redressed and was just lighting a fire when the doorbell rang.

He opened it with a smile and invited his guest in. Remus smiled warmly, but that faded when his eyes caught sight of the dry kindling light unlit in the fireplace and the half empty box of matches. He flicked his wand and suddenly the grate burst into merry flames. Harry hurried to shut the windows.

"Why don't you keep you wand on you, Harry?" Remus asked gently Harry smiled bitterly.

"Like I said." He murmured softly. "There just isn't a reason for me to be a wizard any more." He walked across the living room, and indicated to a door. "That's your room," a few more steps into a darker hall, "That's the bathroom," he turned with a sigh, "and that's my room."

Remus nodded and smiled, walking into the open plan kitchen and looking across at Harry. "Come and sit. I want you to show me where to find things." Harry nodded and followed him into the kitchen flicking on the light. Remus looked in is fridge and laughed.

"And what a have you been eating for the past year and a half?" He asked smiling.

Harry blushed. "Take-out mainly." The joke left Remus's eyes and a quiet growl stirred in the depth of his throat.

"Come and chop these." He ordered, reaching into his bag and pulling out two onions, and a red pepper. "And tell me what you've been doing since we last saw each other." Harry smiled and stood, glad of something to do. As he stood chopping, Remus clattered about with pans and soon delicious smells were wafting through the kitchen.

"Well, I have done anything really." Harry began, "When the excitement of the end of the war didn't die down I moved out of Grimmauld Place and"

"You sold Sirius's house?" Remus stopped cooking to turn and star at Harry, who shook his head.

"No, I just brought a flat in Hogsmeade over the Hog's Head. When I couldn't get any peace there I moved in with Fred and George for a bit, helped out at the shop. That was fine for a while, but then it wasn't, so moved in here. What have you been doing?" Harry asked.

"Oh, this and that." Remus answered evasively. "I run a bookshop in Edinburgh, but it's closed for the holiday season."

Harry nodded, and finished chopping the onions.

Half an hour, the table was laid and the two friends sat down to homemade spaghetti.

"This is delicious, Remus!" Harry said tucking in with vigour. Remus smiled at the complement, and asked if there was any salt. When Harry got up to find some he felt Lupin's curious eyes on his back. He turned around to meet the golden-eyed gaze.

"Do you use magic at all anymore?" He asked sadly. Harry went red.

"I don't know what you mean." He went back to rummaging through his cupboards for salt.

"You try to light a fire with matches, and when I ask you, actually chop vegetables and boil the kettle."

"It's not my fault I don't know any house-keeping spells." Harry replied defensively still rummaging. Remus lifted his wand.

'Accio salt' His voice was sad, almost a whisper. Harry could see Remus took no pleasure in forcing the truth out of him. He sat back down at the table, a cold sigh whisping through his lips.

"When I … I killed Voldemort, the moment I cast that spell…it felt, it felt like I was invincible. Like I could do anything and fear no repercussion. It was great and terrible both at the same time. I couldn't stand it. It was like in that second I had no loyalty to anyone and no conscience. All I wanted to do was cast that spell again." Harry finished thinly, staring determinedly at his plate, picking at the food with his fork.

He heard Remus sigh. He probably hated him now.

"You know," Remus's voice said soothingly, a soft hand cupping his face and forcing his eyes up to meet his own. "That's almost exactly how I felt when I killed Peter. For that one second, I felt invincible." Harry's eyes shone wide and innocent. Emerald green, so fragile and trusting. Remus rubbed his thumb across Harry's soft bottom lip. "But that doesn't mean I stopped using magic. I swore I'd never use that curse again, but now the war's finished, I know I'll never have too. Where is your wand?"

Harry shrugged. "I don't think I bothered to unpack it."

Remus scowled now. "What if somebody attacked you? Even a muggle?"

Harry shrugged again and stood up, collecting their plates and walking to the sink. He turned on the tap.

"If you want a shower there's clean towels on the rail." He said, his voice forced back to brightness. The conversation was clearly ended, what Harry hadn't said was obvious to both of them. Lupin nodded, and squeezed his shoulder before leaving the room.

Later that night, a scream awoke Remus in his bed and he sat up suddenly. For a moment there was silence and he could work out what woke him, but then the terrible, bloodcurdling scream sounded again. He delayed only long enough to pull a pair of trousers over his naked form, before rushing to Harry's side. Inside the dark unkempt bedroom, the boy still slept, despite his screaming. In his terror, he had kicked the sheets off himself and lay sprawled, clad only in boxers and shivering with cold. Remus's eyes wandered over the thin pale form and it was only then that he realised how much the boy had been neglecting himself. Without the baggy t-shirt he looked to thin, barely a shadow of his former self, his once Quidditch toned muscles wasted away into nothing. His fingers tangled in the sheets as he fought to get away form some monster inside his own head. Instinctively, Remus leant forward and wiped the sweat from the smaller man's brow, gently pushing the hair off his face. Harry calmed slightly leaning up into the touch. Remus sighed and sat on the bed, drawing the covers over the boy. He wasn't sure whether to wake Harry or not, but the more warmth Harry got, the less he screamed and the more he calmed. Remus stood and walked around the bed, pausing for a fraction of a second before climbing on top the covers next to the boy, and drawing him into a hug. If Harry awake, he would see how non-sexual it was, Remus hoped, somewhere in the back of his mind. Somewhere more towards the front of his mind, he hoped he could see how non-sexual it was.

Harry moved willingly towards the warmth and latched onto it, as if his life depended on it. Remus gasped as Harry's arm twitched in his lap, and had to shut his eyes to keep his iron fist of control in place. After a while the boys breathing evened out and the tears dried on his face. He still didn't let go of Remus though.

About half an hour passed before Remus thought Harry was deep enough asleep to allow him to move. He loosened Harry's vice like grip, one finger at a time, before wriggling out of its hold. As he reached the door, Harry spoke.

"Remus…" It was somewhere between a whine and a pant. Harry still looked completely asleep, but Remus couldn't help muttering a spell to be sure. "Please…. " Remus blushed at the voice. He could feel it travelling straight down his body, making him start to harden. Harry moaned, and Remus swallowed. He should really leave, his mind reminded him. He was at the door, he could just walk out…

"Remus, please…." Remus grasped the door handle firmly and took a resolute step. From the bed, Harry called to him. "Remus, fuck me, please…"

Something inside Remus snapped. He walked forward, and leant over Harry kissing him soundly on the lips. On the bedside, his eye caught sight of a bottle of sleeping pill and he wondered if Harry actually used them. There were a muggle medicine but the jar seemed quite full. Remus sat back looking at Harry, who whined.

"Again… more… please…"

Remus swallowed, and kissed Harry again, and felt a thrill run straight to his cock as the black haired boy started kissing back. Remus didn't want to go further, but the breathy voice was driving him wild, and with the moons rise in three days, his restraint wasn't what it was. He kissed down Harry's neck, biting softly in the tender spot where it joined his body, then soothing it with delicate sweeping flicks of his tongue. The hot trail of kissed traced down his pale body, gently kissing away the silver war scars, before the skilled tongue found a nipple and eased it. All the while Harry moaned and writhed underneath him.

"Remus…please…" The kisses travelled lower and soon, the boxers found a place on the other side of the room whilst a warm heat enveloped Harry's stiff prick. The black haired boy moans grew louder and a hand found the back of his head.

"Please, Remus…fuck me…" Harry said, his eye opening slightly. His hand reached out and opened the draw of his nightstand and he pulled out a tube. Remus blushed when he saw it, he didn't expect Harry to have such a thing. He removed his mouth from Harry and slowly coated his fingers, easing one into the boy's warm tight heat, and moved it, following it with another, and then another. With three fingers sliding gently in and out of the Harry, it didn't take long for Remus to find that sweet spot inside, making Harry call out loudly in pleasure.

"This may hurt a tiny bit Harry, but I promise you it won't be for long."

"No," Harry said. Remus's stomach dropped. It wasn't surprising if he'd woken up. "Not like this." Harry said, rolling over and standing up on his knees. "Like this…."

Remus swallowed, and coated his cock. He didn't think he'd ever felt himself so hard. A smile reached his lips.

"Why like this Harry?" He said, thrusting in slowly. Harry pushed himself hard back onto Remus, causing the older man to gasp.

"Fuck me, Professor… Fuck me hard…" He panted.

Remus leaned over and paced a kiss neatly between Harry's thin shoulder blades. He was only too happy to fulfil that request.

With each thrust he could feel himself grow closer as Harry's panting and mindless pleas drove him wild. Each thrust was hard and deep, brushing against Harry's prostate with every movement, and the boy matched the pace moving back and forth with wild abandon. This was far better than his other dreams. A hand reached down and started to pleasure him, and another moan escape his throat. There was an answering growl and Remus leant down over him, still thrusting, relying on Harry completely for support as the other hand snaked around to squeeze the tough pink nub of his nipple.

"Come for me, Harry." He hissed. "Come all over my hand, like the dirty bitch you are." With a gasp, Harry tightened, his balls clenched and he came in a white mess over the bed, and Remus's hand, and with a few more desperate strokes, the ex-professor pulled back and splattered his load into the mess with Harry's. The boy sighed at the feeling and smiled, and Remus collapsed on him. They lay there panting for a silent moment. Harry was the first to move, reaching across to kiss Remus.

"I know I'm dreaming, but stay with me? Please? Just a little while?" He begged, obviously awake. Remus steeled himself. The lust was over, now all he felt was shame. Remus struggled to find his voice.

" I – I can't." He said eventually, horse. He stood up. Tears filled Harry's eyes but he made no attempt to close his splayed les of clear the mess around him.

"You never do." He whispered, crying openly. "Just like you never let me take your hair down, and you never cum inside me no matter how much I beg."

Remus stood and left the room, pretending he didn't hear the whispered "I love you," as the door swung shut.

The next morning, Harry woke to finding Remus gone. His bed was in the usual mess, but he left it, walking shamelessly nude to the kitchen. There was a note on the table.

I'm sorry; I had to leave early for work. If you want to come and spend Christmas with me, I'll pick you up from Edinburgh station, Tuesday at six. Owl me with your platform and reply.

Harry nodded at the note. He knew Remus wasn't there even before he woke up. Even in his dreams, he'd heard the door slam. In dreams and real life, fact was Remus Lupin always left.

The Boy-Who-Lived slumped over the table, cradling the note. He wasn't sure why he was crying.