Naming Harry

Lily and James have met the ultimate task: naming their son.
Short, all dialogue one-shot written in response to StarvingAuthor's "Dialogue Challenge" on HPFF.

"What about James?"

"I am not naming our son after you."

"What's wrong with James?"

"The name or the person?"

"I will not dignify that with a response."

"What about Robert?"

"Robert? Seriously?"

"Well, how about Felix?"

"That sounds like a cat. In fact, I think my grandmother's cat was named Felix."

"Well, what are some of your great ideas?"

"James."

"Surprise, surprise."

"There is nothing wrong with my name!"

"For you, no. But for our son, it is completely wrong."

"How can you tell? He's a lump!"

"Never call our son a lump!"

"But he is! He doesn't care what his name is!"

"James, his name will affect him for the rest of his life. It's one of the few things that we give him that he will keep forever."

"What about the whole we gave him life thing?"

"We?! We didn't do anything, James. I gave birth."

"Yeah, yeah. Keep throwing that in my face. Isn't it more important that we love him and raise him to be a wonderful human being? He'll keep his childhood forever."

"We're not naming him after you."

"Oh, come on. How important is a name, really? He can always get a nickname!"

"What nickname could you get from James?"

"…Jay…and…uh…"

"Exactly. The only nickname you can get is a bird. I did not give birth to a bird."

"Well, of course not. You gave birth to a lump."

"NEVER CALL OUR SON A LUMP!"

"First of all, breath, Lily. I know he's not a lump. It's okay. Just put your wand away, and everything will be all right."

"Relax, James. I'm not going to hex you. Though, if I did, I could name him whatever I wanted."

"You would hex me so you could name our son?"

"Yes."

"At least, I know you're Lily and not an imposter."

"We're not naming him James."

"After him, if we have a girl, we could name her Lily."

"I don't want a girl named Lily, and I don't want our son to be named James. It's too confusing. Every time I call out James, you'll both come."

"And what's wrong with that? You're two favorite men in the world coming towards you."

"I wouldn't call you my favorite. I was always fond of Remus – "

"I'LL KILL HIM!"

"Sit down and be quiet, James. I'm trying to pick a name."

"I already picked a name. James."

"How about Orion?"

"Am I just invisible to you?"

"James, do you like Orion?"

"No. We can't name him Orion. Sirius would never be able to face him."

"What does Sirius have against Orion?"

"Orion was his father's name."

"Right. No Orion. How about Charlus?"

"My dad?"

"Sorry, I forgot."

"Don't worry. We all know he's going to be named James."

"He is not going to be named James. Get over it."

"How come you get the final say? When do I get some input? He is half mine."

"You get input when you like one of the names that I pick."

"Why?"

"Because I gave birth so I get to pick the name. That's the way these things work."

"Well, who do you think was apparating all over creation getting everything you wanted?"

"Remus."

"I'll kill him."

"Ah… I love you too, James."

"Why can't we name him James again?"

"Because."

"That was a very descriptive."

"Thank you. How about Allan? Albert? Arnold?"

"I wouldn't wish those names on my worst enemy."

"Malcolm?"

"That's even worse."

"Morgan?"

"Isn't that a girl's name?"

"It could be a boy's name too."

"I'm sorry, Lily, if I don't want my son's gender to be questioned."

"How about Damien? I like that name."

"Isn't that the name of that little twerp a year below us who wouldn't leave us alone?"

"He wouldn't leave you alone because you were his hero."

"He was still annoying."

"You're only saying that because you know how I hate it when you act egotistical. It's okay if you enjoyed being hero-worshipped. I don't mind."

"Yes, you do."

"Don't tell me what I do and do not mind."

"Fine. But we're still not naming our son Damien. We're naming him James."

"Oh, Merlin. We are not naming him James. How about Herbert?"

"Herbert? Yeah, why don't you just scar him for life."

"How about Harry? It's sort of like Herbert."

"Not really. Not at all, actually."

"Okay, James, we'll make a deal. If Sirius remembers our anniversary – without any help from you, directly or indirectly – we'll name him James. But if he doesn't, we name him Harry."

"But Sirius'll never remember our anniversary."

"Exactly."

"That's not fair."

"Life's not fair, James."

"Fine, but his middle name better be James."

"Or Remus."

"You do that just to annoy me, don't you?"

"Why else would I?"