Chapter 1-Changes

I do not own CSI; the characters are not mine, but I like using them for my own pleasure

NOTE: This is just another take on what could happen if things didn't go as planned for Gil and Sara.

Sara Sidle sat on the edge of her bed, staring numbly down at the blue line she held in her hand; POSITIVE. She felt sick, and not the sick like she'd felt earlier that day when she'd vomited her breakfast in the kitchen sink, but the sick you get in the pit of your stomach just before you jump off a bridge. That kind of sick.

The sounds surrounding her seemed to become louder and more intense in the silence of her apartment. The clock ticking on the wall, the hiss of the air conditioner as it kept the rooms cool; everything seemed so much more concentrated. She looked around her before looking back down at the pregnancy test in her hand and began to cry, how could she have let this happen? How could she have been so stupid and careless? In her entire life she never imagined herself sitting in this position; a single woman facing an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. And especially she never imagined that the father would be her own boss. God, she had really screwed up this time.

She contemplated calling into the lab, saying she had come down with something (after all that wasn't entirely untrue), and needed the night off. Then again, she knew that they would need her there, and working would at least give her a chance to forget about it for a few hours. Besides, Sara had never been sick a single day in the 6 years she had worked there, and just one call in would elicit a monumental amount of concern from her co-workers, who would insist on coming by to check on her.

She put the plastic test into her nightstand drawer, knowing she'd want to look at it again later, not that the result would change any, and got up to head into the shower. As she let the water run over her, she ran a hand over her stomach, noting that it was still nice and flat, no sign of anything different in her body. 'Maybe the test was wrong' she told herself, after all, she didn't look pregnant and other than a little bit of nausea on occasion she felt pretty much the same as always. She decided to buy another test and try it as soon as shift was over in the morning; the package said that first morning urine was best. She'd just hold it in all evening.

As she got dressed, she thought over the timeline. She had missed her monthly cycle a little over two weeks ago, but that didn't really tell her anything. She knew nothing about pregnancy or babies or how to calculate weeks, which scared her even more. She had no idea how long she had been pregnant at all. It wasn't as though she could pinpoint the exact day that they had had sex and go from there; they had spent so very many nights together that it would be impossible to determine.

Generally, she stayed at his townhouse the majority of the time, or he would spend the evening with her at the apartment. They had managed co-inhabiting quite well; some of her things at his home, and some of his at hers. They were very much a live-in couple, even though they didn't live together. It was complicated, just as everything else surrounding their relationship.

When they had left the lab the previous shift, he had insisted that she come home with him; she looked tired, he said, and he would give her a massage and make her something to eat. She had declined, telling him she just needed some sleep and would go to her apartment. The hurt was evident on his face; they rarely slept apart any longer. She had placated him, telling him that she just wanted to be able to stretch out and that it was a "female thing". He had nodded knowingly, kissing her softly before heading off; if only he had known what female thing it was, he would not have been so sweet. Sara imagined his reaction would be brutal and the dread of telling him was much worse than the dread of being pregnant alone.

By the time she had arrived at the lab for her shift, she had convinced herself that the test had to be wrong; she was just suffering a flu bug and her regular cycle would start up at any time. After all, she reasoned, she was under a lot of stress with work and lack of sleep and that was bound to mess with your system. She was on the pill, and other than one missed day she had been fairly consistent with her schedule. Missing one day wasn't enough to make a difference, she thought, and so she convinced herself the test was wrong.

"I'd kind of like to work with Nick tonight." Sara said as Gil handed out assignments. He had, of course, put her with him.

He looked at her momentarily, his expression unwavering. "Alright." He responded, sounding impassive. "Greg, that means you are with me."

"Yesss!" Greg exclaimed. "Quality time with the big guy…"

Gil gave him a disheartening look. "It is only quality time if both people benefit from it, Greg." He replied, glancing at Sara quickly.

"Oh, come on boss…. you know you love me."

Gil said nothing as he handed the assignments to each of them, explaining their cases briefly. He paused longer than usual in front of Sara, handing her the sheet as she looked down, busying herself with studying the paper in front of her.

Nick elbowed her. "Let's do that whole Triple Mocha Mint Slushy thing again." He said with a wink. "And nachos for lunch…gotta have the nachos."

Sara smiled without looking up, beginning to follow him out the door. She glanced at Gil only for a second before leaving, offering him a slight smile as she left. She knew he was perplexed by her insistence on working with Nick, but she felt it was the best for the evening.

They were halfway through the scene when it happened. Sara was bent over the blood pool on the floor, carefully collecting a sample when the first wave hit her. 'Oh, God…not here' she thought as she felt her stomach suddenly lurch to her throat. Standing up quickly, she was overcome with a rush of dizziness as she ran out the backdoor, barely making it to a row of hedges before she became sick all over them. She barely got the first round out when the second one hit and she could feel her legs trembling.

"Hey…" Came Nick's voice from the patio door. "You…aren't so good?"

'Please go away, Nick' She pleaded in her head, trying to take deep breaths. "I, uh….I guess I have the flu or something."

"You need me to call someone else in?" He asked with genuine concern.

"No, just give me a minute." She responded as another wave hit her and she vomited once again. "Oh, God…I can't believe I just puked all over the crime scene…"

"Well," He said, trying hard to lighten the mood. "At least you did it out here and not inside."

She stood upright, nodding. "Would you mind grabbing my water?"

He brought her the water and a napkin, watching her closely as she sipped the liquid. "You okay?"

Nodding, she smiled. The nausea was completely gone. "I'm good….I need some gum…or a breath mint, but I am good."

They went back in and finished processing the scene, spending another three hours in the home before turning it over to the coroner. Before heading back to the lab, Nick stayed true to his word and stopped by the local convenience store for slushies and nachos. They made it three blocks before Sara made him pull over, rushing from the SUV to heave hers all over the ground.

As she climbed back in the truck, he was watching her carefully, the concern clear on his face. "Should I drop you off at your place?" He asked her. "You really shouldn't be working when you're sick, you know."

She lay her head against the cool glass of the window, closing her eyes. She really did not feel well. "My car's at the lab..."

"I could come and get you tomorrow before shift." He offered. "Sara, you're never sick. You should probably just go home and rest; we're done with the scene, I can turn the evidence in."

"Okay." She said quietly, her head still pressed against the glass. They drove to her apartment in silence, Sara trying to concentrate on keeping her stomach contents in her stomach. She could feel the cold sweat on her forehead and knew that if she talked, she'd probably end up sick again.

Nick pulled into a parking spot in front of her apartment complex and looked over at her. "You gonna be okay, Sar?"

She nodded as she slowly sat up. "I'll be fine." She opened the door, smiling at him slightly.

"No offense, but I sure hope you're not contagious." He returned her smile with his own broad one.

She climbed out, looking at him. "Don't worry Nicky. I don't think you can catch what I have."

The sound of the door opening woke Sara up four hours later. She had gotten into her apartment just in time to experience the dry heaves, showering after and then collapsing on her bed and falling into a deep, hard sleep. She heard Gil in kitchen, rummaging through her refrigerator before he came into the bedroom to check on her. She kept her eyes closed, trying her best to look asleep. She felt his hand on her forehead, checking for fever before he bent down to plant a gentle kiss on her temple.

He showered and then came back in, gently lying down next to her and wrapping his arms around her body, pulling her close. She snuggled against him, enjoying the feel of his chest along her back. "Honey," He said quietly. "How are you feeling?"

She moaned. "I'm tired..."

His hand rubbed her arm in a soft soothing pattern. "Can I get you anything?"

"Nooo..." She groaned. "Just sleep..."

"Alright." He leaned over her, kissing her softly before lying back down to hold her in his arms. His one arm wrapped around her, landing his hand on the small of her stomach. Sara opened her eyes, a rush of dread overtaking her as she wondered what he would say if he knew what was going on inside her body beneath his hand. She felt too tired at the moment to really worry about it, and so fell asleep telling herself that she had the flu and nothing more.

Three days later, Sara sat in a little room in her doctor's office, staring at the little photograph in her hand; it looked almost like a blob, but they insisted that there would eventually be discernible features. In a few months, they said, you would be able to see a little hand and a foot; even fingers.

Fingers.

She was pregnant, it was confirmed; she had pictures. Her doctor came in smiling at her. "Well, Sara" He began as he pulled a stool up next to her. "Everything in the ultra sound looks great. The pregnancy appears to be a normal one and the fetus is healthy." He grabbed a pad from the drawer. "I know we felt that based on your last menstrual cycle that you would be approximately 8 weeks along. However, based on the ultrasound and the physical, you are actually just over 12 weeks."

She stared at him. "But, I had my period..."

He nodded. "Yes, two months ago. But, you said that it was lighter and shorter than usual. A lot of women will experience that in the very early stages of the first trimester and that is why we did the ultrasound today, just to make sure things were moving along okay."

"So…" she began in a daze. "How long? I mean, before..." she faltered, looking for words.

"Your expected delivery date is August 27th" He assured her. "The date may change some as you get further along and we do another ultrasound, but it should only change a week either way."

Delivery date. Sara felt the tears in her eyes as she looked back down at the picture. 12-weeks...3 months. How could she not have known that for the last three months she was growing another person inside her? Aren't women supposed to just know that stuff?

Her doctor placed a hand on hers. "This was not planned?" he asked gently

She shook her head slowly. "No...we, uh...I used the pill." She shrugged. "We're not even married."

"Would you like to discuss your options?" He asked seriously

Options? "There aren't any options." She told him flatly. True, she had a few options. She could choose an abortion and no one would ever know she had been pregnant, she could carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption, or she could just be a mom. Sara was adamantly opposed to abortion and the idea of having one herself had never crossed her mind. Planned or not, this baby was a part of her and so she felt her only option was to be a mom, ready or not.

The doctor wrote her a prescription for prenatal vitamins and additional supplements, telling her the importance of using them both, especially since she was a vegetarian. Once she was in her car, she stared down at the ultrasound pictures they had given her, studying the little image on the paper. She felt some excitement as she studied it and smiled. "Well," She said to the little person growing within her. "You may look like a peanut blob right now...but you're my peanut blob and I guess we are just going to have to get used to each other." Putting the pictures carefully into her purse she pulled out of the parking lot, deciding to treat herself to a big breakfast at the closest restaurant she could find. For the first time in many days, Sara felt genuinely hungry.

She walked into the lab feeling elated. She knew she still had to tell Gil, but for some reason she wasn't concerned. She had seen pictures, she was really pregnant, and the idea of a little squirming person had replaced her dread with excitement. She had no idea what they would do, how they would handle it, or what he would say, but at that moment she did not care; she just wanted to relish in her moment of bliss.

She worked on her own for a few hours processing some evidence, since everyone else was still in the field. She had gotten out early for her appointment and told Gil she'd meet them back at the lab. She was just logging in some fingerprint data when she felt the all-too-familiar rush of nausea and charged into the locker room.

Catherine Willows turned in her evidence, wiping the back of her hand over her tired eyes. It had been a long shift. She went into the locker room and was just taking off her vest when she heard someone crying from the adjacent stalls. Walking in carefully, she pushed a door open to find Sara sitting on the floor next to the toilet, back against the metal frame of the stall. She had tears on her cheeks and her skin was pale white.

"Sara?" Catherine asked. "You alright?"

Sara looked up at her and began crying all over again. "Oh, God...Catherine..." She coughed as she leaned forward over the toilet, heaving harshly. She collapsed back down, shaking horribly. "I think I've vomited up my whole breakfast and there is just nothing left anymore..."

"You're still sick?" Catherine asked.

Sara nodded as she cried. "I just want to get this part over with..." She said as she grabbed the toilet again. She retched a few times, finally collapsing back against the stall.

"Uhm..." Catherine tried. "Can I get you anything..."

"Could you grab my purse?" Sara asked. "I have some crackers in there...they might help. At least give me something to throw up..." She tried a smile.

Catherine nodded, heading to Sara's locker for her purse. She grabbed it out and turned to head to Sara when the strap caught, dumping the contents onto the floor. Cursing, Catherine bent down to pick up the spilled items when she noticed the photographs. Picking them up she gazed at them, realization hitting her. She walked into the stall, standing over Sara with the pictures in hand. "Sara..." She said in disbelief. "You're pregnant?"

Sara looked up at her, her eyes growing wide before a new rush of tears poured out. She nodded as she began to sob. "Catherine...please don't tell anyone, please?"

Catherine slid down to sit across from her, staring between Sara and the photos. She shook her head. "No, of course I won't Sara...but...how long have you known?"

"I found out today." Sara cried. "That's why I went to the doctor..." She wiped at her eyes.

Catherine was studying the picture. "Wow…a baby…" Glancing up at Sara, she noted the desperation in the younger woman's eyes. "Does the father know?"

Sara had had her knees pulled up against her chest and at the sound of the question she put her head down against them, covering her face with her arms as she sobbed. Catherine watched her a moment. "I take that as a no." She said softly, waiting a few moments for Sara to regain her composure. "I didn't even know you were seeing anyone….how do you think he'll react?"

Sara wiped her eyes, taking a deep breath. "I don't know, Catherine." She sniffled. "Neither one of us expected this….I mean, he's got his career, I have mine." More tears poured out as she talked. "He's older than I am; I don't think he was planning on ever having children…."

"Are you two pretty committed to each other? I mean, are you a solid couple?"

"Mostly…" Sara sighed. "Kind of. This just isn't part of the plan, not that there really ever was a plan…but, I care about him a lot, and I think he really cares about me. I just don't know what this is going to do to us"

Catherine nodded knowingly. "Are you keeping it?"

Sara's head snapped up at her. "What? Of course…that's the only thing I can do."

Catherine looked back at the pictures, amazed that Sara Sidle was actually pregnant. That she had even risked unprotected sex, had done something risky and even remotely wrong. The fact that she had been dating someone, and especially an older man, was fascinating in a sad way. "Well, you have to tell him then." She said as she handed the pictures to Sara. "How far along are you?"

Sara told her about the ultrasound and the due date, explaining to her about the horrible morning sickness and how she had tried three separate home pregnancy tests before finally seeing a doctor. Catherine was smiling at her. "When I found out I was pregnant with Lindsey," She began. "I did the same thing…four home pregnancy tests and then the doctor. And even then I didn't fully believe him until I saw the ultrasound."

"Was Eddie happy?" Sara asked. "I mean, when you told him?"

"We got married." Catherine shrugged. "Kind of a rush job and obviously it didn't last…but, he was happy after the first initial shock."

"So, he didn't get angry with you?"

"Not entirely." Catherine smiled. "He got drunk, and then he asked me to marry him and of course I said yes, even though I knew no…do you think that your guy will be angry with you?"

"I think I might ruin his life." Sara said honestly. "No one knows anything about us; no one even knows that either of us are in a relationship, but I guess this will change that."

"Well," Catherine stood up, reaching down to help Sara to her feet. "You're going to have to tell him soon because in another month you won't be able to hide it anymore."

Sara nodded. "I know…" She reached out and hugged Catherine, catching the older woman by surprise. "Thank you, Catherine…and please don't tell anyone." She pulled away to look at her. "Especially not Grissom…I, uh…I am not ready to deal with that right now"

"You got it." Catherine smiled as they headed out to the lockers. She remembered when she had woke up in a hotel room after a night out, fearing that she had been raped. The first person she had called was Sara; it wasn't that they were good friends, but she knew that she could trust her to keep her secret. And she had; and now it was time for Catherine to return the favor.

Sara rushed about her apartment, cleaning every little corner and organizing all of her things. She had no idea why, the place was already clean, but she was nervous. She had been to her doctor over a week ago and it was time to tell Gil about the pregnancy; cleaning kept her mind busy.

Their week had been good and she really had no reason for not telling him earlier. They had spent every evening together after leaving the lab and Sara's morning sickness had seemed to completely evaporate; she was thankful for that. There were several times that they had lay in bed together after making love, wrapped in each others arms, that Sara had wanted to tell him. She was just afraid of ruining the moment.

She had just finished up the kitchen when Gil came in, arms loaded with Thai food from down the road and a bouquet of fresh lilies for her. "You know," He said setting the table while she put the flowers in a vase of water. "The one's at my place are wilted. We should probably replace those as well."

She smiled at him, setting the vase on the counter. "You'll go broke just buying me flowers. We probably don't need them at both places."

"But they are a symbol of you." He said with a smile. "And I just happen to like you." He kissed her cheek as she came to the table, sitting opposite him.

Sara ate in silence for a few moments, glancing at him occasionally. "Hey, Gil?" He looked up at her. "Uhm...after we eat...uh..." She took a deep breath. "We, uh, we really need to talk."

"We can talk now." He offered, taking a bite of his green curry chicken.

"Uh...no..." She tried to smile at him. "I think after we eat...at least for this...is best..."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Okay...is this about that experiment I left in the fridge at my place? Because I said I was sorry." He had an honest amused tone to his voice that she normally found endearing.

"I threw up my entire salad." She reminded him. "No one I know keeps a frog's brain in their refrigerator to see how long it takes to rot...well, no one besides you." She smiled at him, shaking her head at the memory.

He grinned back and shrugged. They continued chatting while they ate, cleaning up together before he headed for the shower. Sara paced her living room nervously, wringing her hands and feeling that jumping-off-a-bridge sick again. She had no idea how she was going to do this, but the changes in her body forced her into action.

Gil came out of the shower in sweats and a T-shirt, wrapping his arms around her from behind. He kissed her cheek as he breathed her in. "You always smell so nice, Sara."

She felt herself leaning into him, the desire building in her before she pulled away to turn and face him. "We need to talk, Gil." She grabbed his hand and led him to the couch where they sat down facing each other. Taking a deep breath, she began. "How do you feel about me, Gil?"

He stared at her, studying her face as he had done so many times before when she asked him a difficult question. "You make me happy, Sara." He replied. "You know that..."

"No." She shook her head. "I don't mean how I make you feel, I mean how do you feel about me?"

"Sara, you know how I feel about you." He said softly, taking her hand.

"No, I don't." She said firmly. "I need to know, Gil...I need to know what I mean to you."

He raised an eyebrow, before squinting slightly in a thoughtful expression, pursing his lips. "What is this all about?"

"You're not going to answer the question?" She pulled her hand away, watching his face. He looked down and she could see the power struggle going on inside him; he really didn't know how to answer her. After he didn't say anything, she sighed. "I guess you basically just told me everything I need to know."

"Sara..." He began, trying desperately to find the words he needed. "You make me happy. You make me feel good, you are everything to me and I...I really..." He sighed, shrugging. "I am not very good at this."

"Okay..." She breathed. "Well...Gil..." She faltered, meeting his eyes. She could feel the tears in hers as the wall of dread expanded in her stomach. "I don't know how to tell you this..."

"Tell me what, Honey?" He asked, taking her hand again.

She glanced down, lifting her eyes slowly to meet his. "I'm pregnant, Gil."

Silence. He stared at her as the thundering quiet surrounded them. Sara could hear her heart thumping as he gazed at her. "Gil?"

He dropped her hand, rubbing his own down his face. "What?"

Sara felt the tears slide down her cheeks; he was angry. She had expected many things, but not angry. "I...uh..." She swallowed. "I'm pregnant..."

He was staring at her, the expression on his face one of wariness. He stood up, walking across the room as he shoved his hands in the pockets of his sweats. He paced a moment, stopping in front of a portrait on the wall before turning around to face her; the look on his face told her that this was not going to go well. "Are you sure?"

She nodded. "I went to the doctor..."

"How could you be pregnant?" He demanded, cutting her off. "Sara, what the hell?"

She opened her mouth to respond, but couldn't, feeling the tears welling up inside her. "Please, Gil...this isn't my fault."

"You're pregnant." He spat out, running a hand through his hair.

"I know, Gil!" She retorted. "Please don't raise your voice..."

He was pacing again, becoming more agitated as he did so. "How far along?"

"Almost 14-weeks." She said quietly

He turned around. "14-weeks?" He snapped. "Shit, Sara!...shit..." He took a deep breath. "You knew you were pregnant for nearly four months and you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't know...not until last week, Gil. Not for sure."

"Not for sure?" He seethed, trying to keep his voice below yelling. "You're nearly four months pregnant, Sara. For God's sake, how do you not know?"

"I don't..." She began, but he reeled on her.

"We can't have a child Sara!" He yelled. "WE...aren't even supposed to BE... What the hell were you thinking?"

"I wasn't..." She tried again, the tears rushing out.

"No, of course you weren't!" He continued. "Do you have any idea what this is going to do to my career? To your career?"

"No one has to know." She said, trying to stop her tears from falling.

"How can they not know, Sara?!" He demanded. "You are almost four months pregnant for crying out loud! Shit, I cannot believe this!" He went to the counter, grabbing his keys and his wallet.

"Where are you going?" She asked him, standing up

He held a hand out towards her, stopping her. "I can't deal with this, Sara." He said. "I cannot have a child...I do not want a child...I thought you knew that."

"I didn't plan this, Gil..." She was crying hard. "Please...I can't do this alone..."

He opened the door, eyeing her sadly. "Then you should have thought of that before." He left, slamming the door behind him.