My disclaimer: I know Disney owns "Kim Possible"...lock, stock, and Rufus. Before I get done, I will probably tick off a few more studios, too. But if they want to sue me, they have to get behind all my other creditors. Since I am in south Florida now, the line has formed to the right and goes all the way to Sacramento!
To Zardoz101: Because you asked, I gave you a sneak peek at the list of teams. I made one change (Bender for Leela) for reasons that will reveal themselves later. I apologize for the inconvenience.
To All Readers: 1) Because of the "hurry-up-and-wait" aspect of 'The Amazing Race', some of the dialogue may read like a play's script, the rest may read like a normal story. I am sorry, but it's the only way to preserve the pacing of the story to match that of a standard 'Amazing Race' episode.
2) The departure times, seat availability, and duration of flights are completely fictional—Please do not waste your time trying to correct me by using info from travel sites and various brochures. We are dealing with cartoons here, remember?
3) This chapter is probably going to be way longer than most of the others. Unless I get a lot of requests to do so, the opening theme sequence will only be posted in this chapter and referenced throughout the rest of the chapters. This sequence, combined with the "special rules" explanation (see below) and the fact the story is tracking eleven teams (soon to be dwindling), will greatly stretch out this chapter. Enjoy!
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So The Reality: 'Amazing Race'-Omaha (Start)
(Voice of Phil Keoghan): "Tonight, on 'The Amazing Race', eleven of the greatest drawn duos in the history of the world begin their quest for cartoon supremacy, domination of animation, and—oh, yeah—One MILLION Dollars!!! And it all starts...next!"
'Amazing Race' opening theme begins...
(A gentleman hunter, in full gear, is pointing a shotgun at a large gray rabbit, whose upper-half is just above the ground. The hunter has a look of sheer rage on his face, while the rabbit looks as if he is begging to be spared. They both turn to the camera and sweetly smile.)
BUGS & ELMER...
(A little girl is at her psychiatry booth, with a round-headed boy about to place yet another nickel into her cup for advice. They stop their transaction, turn to the camera, and smile.)
CHARLIE & LUCY...
(A robot and his red-headed friend are seen from behind their couch as they watch "All My Circuits". They turn around to face the camera. The friend is smiling and the robot glaring while 'flipping the bird'.)
BENDER & FRY...
(A determined auburn-haired cheerleader is fighting an off-camera foe to her right. Only the foe's black-gloved, green-glowing hand and leg dressed in a form-fitting green material are shown. The blue-clad lower half of a foe is seen as he is flying upward off-camera after a punch from a blonde teen-aged boy. Right after that punch, the boy's pants fall down. The fighters freeze their poses and turn their smiling faces to the camera.)
KIM & RON...
(A skinny, unshaven man and his large brown dog are running away from yet another mummy. They stop in mid-stride and smile for the camera.)
SHAGGY & SCOOBY...
(Pictures of exotic locations, faded, flash behind a white field with bold black letters in the foreground, stating there are...)
11 TEAMS OF 2
(A fat orange tabby is about to kick his favorite beagle off the table again. Just before the cat's foot makes contact, the cat and dog smile for the camera.)
GARFIELD & ODIE...
(The sun starts shining. The camera pans down to the ground. A moose pops up from the ground and pulls a squirrel up with him. They turn to the camera and smile.)
BULLWINKLE & ROCKY...
(A raven-haired, masked teen slings a customized "throwing star" toward a large foe—which is initially blocking the camera's view of he and his orange-haired flying partner. At the same time, the partner shoots a green disk toward the foe. The foe dodges both of these attacks, and both items simultaneously hit the camera. After the explosive meeting of weapons and camera lens, the screen is smoking around the edges and cracked in a couple of places. The team sheepishly smiles at what's left of the camera.)
ROBIN & STARFIRE...
(A football-headed kid with a sweater tied around his waist walks up to an African-American preteen with a "fade" haircut twice as large as his head. After performing an intricate "secret handshake", they turn and smile for the camera.)
ARNOLD & GERALD...
(A white dog and a baby are playing chess. The baby distracts the dog long enough to switch some of the pieces on the board. After the dog discovers the cheating, he begins to lunge at the baby, ready for a full-fledged fight. With the dog still in the air, they freeze in their poses, turn to the camera, and smile.)
BRIAN & STEWIE...
(With sheer anger in his eyes, a jaundiced, fat slob is choking his similarly-hued son. They stop in mid-grasp, turn their heads, and smile for the camera.)
BART & HOMER...
(Shots of exotic locations around the world start to become wrapped around a turning, emerald-hued, Mercator projection map of the world, followed by the yellow-lettered logo of...)
"THE AMAZING RACE"!!!
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9:00 AM
(Voice of Phil): "This is Omaha, Nebraska...Home of agricultural giant Con Agra, and insurance giant Mutual of Omaha...headquarters of both RFD TV (a 24-hour farming channel) and Berkshire Hathaway (headed by multi-billionaire Warren Buffett)...A shining example of past, present, and future that shapes the modern-day heartland of America. Here at Rosenblatt Stadium, home of the College World Series for generations, twenty-two of the cartoon world's finest stars begin the first leg of a race around the world."
Eleven teams of characters lined the stadium's red clay warning track in straight-away center field (408 feet from home plate), where twenty-two identical backpacks and corresponding fanny-packs are lined parallel to the team positions along the wall. Standing about two yards away from the center of the line of characters, yet well within hearing range of all who would listen, is Phil Koeghan, explaining the rules to the teams.
"Good morning to all of you, and welcome to Omaha, Nebraska, the start of an exciting race around the world. There are many challenges that await you on your journey. Specially-marked clues will guide you along the way. Here in Omaha, you start as eleven teams of the greatest pairings in cartoon history. Before this race is finished, only three teams will remain, with the ultimate winner capturing the grand prize of one million dollars!
"We will combine different rules from each of the past seasons, but for the most part, the standard 'Amazing Race' rules concerning clues, instructions, penalties, and pit stops will apply. We will also throw in some surprises of our own, as if there aren't enough twists to a race such as this. However, some special rules must apply to this particular race to ensure fairness to all teams:
"First, all teams must use commercial flights, local taxis, or vehicles specifically mentioned in the clues you will receive. As with all flights on 'The Amazing Race', these commercial flights will be economy-class or business-class only (paid for by credit cards that are exclusively to be used for these flights). There will be no flying by use of special powers, or natural phenomenon pursuant to one's character. There will be no use by any specific character of any specialized favors or modifications to currently-owned vehicles to secure transportation.
"Second, no supernaturally glowing powers or abilities to pull objects out of thin air will be used in the race by any character.
"Third, no weapons, gadgets, or any technological items other than those supplied in your backpacks or specifically issued for a particular task are allowed to be used by any character.
"Fourth, for teams with both members under legal driving age, a member of our operations team will be provided to drive you when driving is necessary to complete a task. This driver will only follow the directions given by the team, even if those instructions send the team the wrong way.
"Fifth, any direct interference by outside forces in an attempt for one team to gain an unfair advantage over the other teams will result in the offending team receiving a two-hour penalty for the first offense, and elimination for any further interference."
At this cue, a group of floating spheres surrounded the teams. These metallic spheres, slightly larger than beach balls, were decorated with the official red-and-yellow "Amazing Race" stripes along their middles. The stripe was only interrupted by the circular lenses aimed at the competitors.
"Finally, we didn't forget about that little battle incident, Teen Titans…" said Phil, giving a titanium-melting glare toward Robin & Starfire before continuing, "…so instead of putting our cameramen in harm's way, we took a page from the cartoon playbook and have designed these cameras to be in constant contact with our operations base. They will follow you 24 hours a day for the entire duration of the race. The only privacy these cameras will give are a) during mid-flight, though they will still show you boarding the planes and taking your seats; b) after you have officially "checked in" at a pit stop, where they will be accessed for post-race interviews, then join other camera spheres to serve as perimeter guards for the pit stop rest areas; and c) just outside the doors of any restroom used during the race, out of courtesy to the competitors."
After this explanation, Phil looks at each character and asks, "Have I made myself perfectly clear?"
After most of the others indicated they fully understood the rules, Bugs chimed in, "No problem, Doc."
A horrified look came across Ron's face. "Wait a minute. Since he called you 'Doc', does that make you..." he began to shudder, "...Doctor Phil??" Despite their impressive speed and mobility, the camera spheres were barely able to dodge the projectiles of nausea spewed by every competitor at the mere thought of such a thing.
"Ron," glowered Phil, "Be glad I have not yet started the race. Once the race began, you would have been hit with a 2-hour penalty for race sabotage by invoking such a hideous thought…not to mention hit with my hand upside your head!"
"This is SO not helping your 'equal partners' campaign, Ron!" choked Kim as she was still clearing her revisited breakfast from her mouth.
Phil waited for the last of the teams to ready themselves again before shouting...
"Teams...the world awaits you...for one million dollars...GO"
A thundering sensation shook the stadium as twenty-two sets of legs staged a full-force stampede, traveling the 136 yards (do the math, ok?) to their respective packs. On eleven of those packs laid the standard yellow-and-black "Amazing Race" clue envelopes. As each team approached their packs, one of the team members opened the clue. Since all of the teams got to the packs at roughly the same time, the cameras jumped from team to team as they read their first clue…
9:06 AM
ELMER: "Dwive…"
LUCY: "…yourselves…"
FRY: "…to…"
SCOOBY: "…Rincoln…"
STARFIRE: "…Nebraska."
PHIL (off-screen): "All teams must drive to Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, Nebraska…home to the five-time national champion University of Nebraska Cornhuskers…"
ROCKY: "He really likes to hear himself talk, doesn't he?"
PHIL (again, off-screen): "I'll pretend I didn't hear that! Anyway, teams must travel through the players' tunnel to the field and run to the middle of the fifty-yard line to receive their next clue."
GARFIELD (continuing to read from the clue): "Each team…"
BART: "…will receive…"
ARNOLD: "…fifty dollars…"
BRIAN: "…for this leg…"
RON: "…of the race."
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For most of the animated pairs, the trip was uneventful, with teams jockeying for position while pushing the speed limit to its edge. Of course, on Interstate 80, this means they were being passed left and right by the normal commuters of this route. While most of the teams were enjoying the scenery and smells that emanated from nearby farms, Kim was too busy scolding Ron for his earlier actions.
"Ron, you can be so brilliant at times, like when you created the Naco or when you saved us at Camp Wannaweep. That makes it more frustrating when you get such a lame-brained idea as to get on Phil's bad side before we could even start the race! I love you, Ron…but sometimes, you scare me."
Ron had a shocked look on his face for nearly the rest of the drive. After countless villains, doomsday weapons, and deadly lasers, Kim Possible…Little Miss 'I Can Do Anything'…is scared of him?
As they left the interstate and stopped at a red light, Kim turned to Ron. She was still frowning, but her face was relaxed from its previous fit of anger. She squeezed Ron's hand gently and said, "It's still a long race ahead. We better keep our heads in the game."
RON (turning to Kim and holding her hands during an 'in-race' interview): "I don't know how, and I don't know when…but I swear, in the name of all that is good and decent, I will find a way to make it up to you...even if it takes the rest of my life to do so."
KIM (turning her head from Ron): "Please…don't make me hurl again!"
At that point, the light turned green. About .02 microseconds later, there were dozens of honking horns, waving hands with only one finger displayed on each, and shouting of words uncharacteristic for Nebraskans to say in virtually any other circumstance. If racing for a million dollars was not enough motivation, this emotional display provided additional incentive for the cartoon pairs to quickly complete their trek to their reserved parking spaces at Memorial Stadium.
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10:47 AM
As the teams made their way through the players' tunnel, "Sirius" by the Allan Parsons Project began to boom throughout the stadium speakers. A machine off to one side of the tunnel began to generate fog out through the opening of the tunnel. The competitors were getting the full, traditional "Cornhusker Tunnel Walk" treatment, with a capacity crowd of over 81,000 rabid Big Red fans cheering for them as they rushed onto the field.
When the teams reached the sidelines, they discovered the field was slightly modified from its usual configuration. Both goal posts were side-by-side on the same end of the field. Cones split the field into four equal sections, with one line split between the field's hash marks and the other line right on the 50-yard line. A three-foot tall, black podium stood at the intersection of these lines. A red-and-yellow striped banner hung from a black box perched on the podium. The box had a hinged top that displayed the "Amazing Race" logo. Two boards flanked the podium—one marked "Kick", the other marked "TD". Eleven numbered tags hung on each board, ready for selection. One by one, members of each team took a clue out of the box and read the words, "Detour…'Kick' or 'TD'…" followed by the rest of the instructions…
PHIL (off-screen): "A 'Detour' is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons…"
BULLWINKLE: "Gee…he really does love to hear himself talk!!"
PHIL (annoyed and shouting—yet still off-camera): "Cram it, Moose!!" (back to normal voice) "In this 'Detour', teams have a choice of 'Kick' or 'TD'.
"In 'Kick', one team member serves as holder while their partner kicks field goals of 15, 20, and 25 yards. Since the ball has to travel through the end zone, a distance of 10 yards, to get to the uprights, the kicks will take place at the 5-, 10-, and 15-yard lines respectively. If the kicked ball goes through the wrong set of uprights, the kick will not count.
"In 'TD', teams must score touchdowns from 30 and 40 yards out. These teams only have to score twice thanks to an additional wrinkle to the task…each receiver, while given a ten-yard cushion at the snap of the ball, will be covered by a member of the famed Nebraska "Black Shirt" defense.
"There are only two stations for each choice, so performance of each task is on a 'first-come, first-serve' basis. Once a team completes their task, they must go to the referee at their station for their next clue."
While Phil was busy yapping his mouth…
PHIL: "Hey, Writer Boy…Knock it off, already!!"
I'd hold my tongue if I were you, Phil…otherwise, a certain group of linebackers will find out about your comparison of their mothers' sexual promiscuity to public transit!!
PHIL: "Eeep…" (runs and hides behind Herbie Husker, the school's mascot)
As I was saying, Bugs and Arnold snagged the first and second tags from the 'TD' board, while Lucy and Garfield were the first two to grab from the 'Kick' board.
Lucy's selection of 'Kick' made Charlie Brown turn enough shades of red to match the hues worn by nearly all of the fans in the stadium. He now saw her at the 5-yard-line, holding a football. As he put on his padding, jersey, helmet, and shoes, Charlie turned to his partner and growled, "Why 'Kick' for us? You know what always happens…I run at the ball, you pull it away, I land on my back, and kill myself!" This brought a look of shock from Lucy.
"Charlie Brown," she countered, "you're such a blockhead! I know we've had our differences, but do you really think I would do such a thing here…in front of all these people…and millions more watching on national television…with a million dollars riding on our success??"
This made Charlie focus on the kick ahead. He backed up about five yards, and ran up to the football, his leg fully extending for the kick as the ball is harmlessly removed by the holder.
"AAAUUUGGGHHH!!" was all Charlie could say as he crashed to the turf.
"Gee, Charlie Brown, I guess I would," pondered Lucy, with a sly grin on her face.
With the help of two trainers, Charlie Brown got up from his fall. Lucy had to duck to avoid Charlie's helmet being thrown at her. After enduring a long stream of boos and catcalls from the capacity crowd, Charlie Brown & Lucy were escorted off the field to the training room…
CHARLIE (sitting on a bench and glaring at the camera for an 'in-race' interview): "Forget it!! I'd rather take the two-hour penalty than put up with that again!"
Over at the other 'Kick" station, Garfield displayed great accuracy, completing the task with just three kicks. At least Odie was smart enough to put on a helmet after the first successful kick…
GARFIELD (shrugging his shoulders and smiling during an 'in-race' interview): "Hey. The rules didn't say the ball and the holder couldn't go over the crossbar together!"
Once Garfield took the clue from the referee, he walked over to Odie (still getting up from the meeting with the kicking net after the last field goal) and opened the envelope…
10:59 AM
GARFIELD & ODIE (together): "Fly to Philadelphia…"
PHIL (in a scared whisper, while peeking out from behind Herbie): "Is it safe for me to talk yet…Mister Writer…Sir??"
Yeah, yeah, yeah…That joke was starting to get old, anyway.
(Off-screen voice of Phil): "Whew…" (returning to his normal voice) "Teams must drive their marked cars to Lincoln Municipal Airport. After they fly to Philadelphia, they must travel by taxi to Independence Hall—the cradle of American freedom—where they will receive their next clue."
GARFIELD: "Hmmm…(reading last line of the clue)…'Warning…surprises ahead!'…maybe free Philly cheesesteak sandwiches at the airport?"
One of the 'TD' stations saw Arnold & Gerald making several attempts. Unfortunately, each one was successfully thwarted by the massive "Black Shirt" cornerback. That's when Gerald & Arnold decided to call time-out and 'huddle-up'…
ARNOLD (sitting next to Gerald during an 'in-race' interview): "We figured out kinda early this guy knew almost every standard play in the book…"
GERALD: "…That's why we had to design a non-standard play! (exchanges 'high-five' with Arnold)"
They scored their first touchdown when Gerald ran completely around the defender three times, causing the defender to fall down from dizziness. The defender was still a little groggy when Arnold threw a fade pass, hitting Gerald in the corner of the end zone…
The second 'TD' station found three trainers and Elmer Fudd checking on the condition of Bugs Bunny. An equipment manager stood nearby, wondering how a brand-new helmet could break so cleanly into two pieces.
ELMER (in another 'in-race' interview): "Bugs twied his famous 'buwwow undew the gwound method of beating the big guy. How was he to know about the fake gwass and the concwete undewneath it?"
Bugs was extremely dazed, but otherwise none the worse for wear. As he was being helped off the field to shake the cobwebs out of his head, Kim & Ron took his team's place in the station…
Meanwhile, back at 'Kick', Brian & Stewie entered the station left by Garfield & Odie, while Bender & Fry took over for Charlie Brown & Lucy. The ball was no match for Bender's 'shiny metal…' foot as his kicks went over the crowd-protecting nets and into the stadium's upper deck.
Brian had trouble with his first couple of kicks, sailing wide left on both of them. After making an adjustment to his approach, he was successful from 15 yards out. His 20-yard attempt was straight, but just a little short. At this point, Stewie offered Brian a little incentive.
"Come on, Brian," encouraged Stewie, "you can do it…just picture the ball as being my head! That's it…just concentrate on kicking the…OW!! You FOOL!!"
STEWIE (still scowling at Brian during an 'in-race' interview): "I told him to picture the ball as my head, not actually kick my head!!"
BRIAN (turning to Stewie): "Wow…I was wondering why the ball had such a hard shell on it…"
Kim & Ron flawlessly executed their scoring plans. First, Kim caught a pass from Ron and used one hand to perform a back-flip over the diving "Black Shirt". On their second score, Kim threw a short toss to Ron, who used his prime henchman-evading skills to leave the defender in his wake…
Robin & Starfire filled the station recent vacated by Arnold & Gerald. Because of Robin's ninja training, he appeared in the end zone immediately after the ball was snapped. It was just a matter of Starfire throwing the ball far enough so the Boy Wonder could snag it for the score. She overthrew him once, but was accurate with her next two tosses…
After Bender & Fry left, Rocky & Bullwinkle took to the kicking station. The antlered one was still puzzled at Rocky's 'Detour' selection.
"Why are we doing 'Kick' instead of 'TD', Rock…" pleaded Bullwinkle, "…Don't you remember my days as starting fullback at Wossamatta U.?"
"Yeah," replied Rocky, "but do you realize what these big guys could do to you? It's bad enough WU is on Nebraska's non-conference schedule this year…"
"Wait a minute…", asked Bullwinkle. "Did you say, 'non-conference' schedule?"
"Uh-huh…first week!"
'Isn't that the week they usually roll up a 40-point lead by halftime?"
"That's right…and their fifth-stringers are grinding opponents into sausage by the fourth quarter."
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's start kicking already!!"
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11:30 AM
Teams began to arrive at Lincoln Municipal Airport to book their flight to Philadelphia. According to the booking agent on duty, there were only three flights available that day…12:33 pm, with only eight seats remaining; 1:46 pm, with nine seats remaining; and 3:05 pm, which had many open seats. Since none of these flights were 'non-stop', the teams of Garfield & Odie, Arnold & Gerald, Robin & Starfire, and Kim & Ron took the 12:33 flight. Bender & Fry arrived at the airport before the Teen Titans and Team Possible, but Bender had an issue with the security checkpoint. Fry turned to one of the camera spheres and explained the delay.
"Bender just kept being held back at the metal detector," said Fry. "Why couldn't they realize he was all metal…and how did you guys get past the checkpoint, anyway?" At this point, the sphere displayed identification credentials (one at a time) from the FBI, Justice League, United Nations, Department of Homeland Security, Global Justice, and Interpol. "Wow," gasped Fry, "I wondered what you did when you're not following us."
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As Rocky & Bullwinkle started their first kick, Brian was finally successful on his second field goal and was trying for the 25-yarder. The kick shanked to the right and hit Rocky on the head. After a few choice words unsuitable for repeating in a family-friendly story, Rocky hurled the ball at Brian's head. The ball became lodged in Brian's facemask as he fell down, face up, at the 15-yard line. This gave Stewie an inspiration for payback. He proceeded to kick the ball out of the facemask and over the uprights. Since nothing in the rules prohibited switching holder and kicker roles for the task, the kick was ruled as good, and the referee gave them their directions to Philadelphia.
Kim & Ron's vacancy was filled by Shaggy & Scooby. Their skills at running away from ghosts far exceeded the ability of the "Black Shirt" to tackle them. However, Scooby's lack of fingers caused him to drop each of Shaggy's first four passes. When they switched roles, Scooby's passing ability did not fare much better. That's when Shaggy came up with a solution. The clue did not specify which direction, if any, the pass had to be thrown…
SHAGGY (explaining his plan in yet another 'in-race' interview): "Like, we gave him a taste of his own medicine, man!"
The "Nebraska option", where a quarterback had a choice of whether to run with the ball or pitch it back to a trailing running-back, could easily be stopped by a regular defense from those distances—but not by just one man! On the first option, Scooby held the ball and ran just enough to attract the defender. He then slung it back to Shaggy's extended arms for an easy score. With the second play of this system, Shaggy faked the toss and ran it in himself…
After Robin & Starfire left, Bugs & Elmer were ready to re-enter their 'TD' station. However, Bart & Homer had yet to attempt the task. The 'first-come, first-serve' clause in the clue gave the jaundiced duo priority over Bugs & Elmer. Bart threw a short pass to Homer, who was sharply tackled by the Nebraska cornerback after taking three steps with the ball. The bone-jarring impact resulted in a fumble, recovered in mid-air by Bart. He proceeded to score as both grown men were still untangling themselves. As if Lady Luck wasn't smiling brightly enough on Bart, his next pass was deflected off Homer's helmet and into Bart's waiting hands as he scampered to the end zone…
Bullwinkle was accurate from 15 and 20 yards, but it took two extra tries to make it from 25 yards away. This threw the moose/squirrel combination into ninth place as they left for the airport…
When Bugs & Elmer were denied re-entry to their 'TD' station, they watched as Shaggy & Scooby executed their plan. They took their cue from the 'Mystery, Inc.' players and ran two option plays of their own. This put them in tenth place, but they had a new spark of hope going on to Philadelphia…
Just as the final spectators were shuffling out of the stadium, Charlie Brown & Lucy were finally given their next clue…
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1:27 PM
The first Philadelphia flight was airborne and the second flight was starting to board their plane when the Peanuts pair arrived at the airport. The camera spheres captured the images of Bender & Fry, Brian & Stewie, Shaggy & Scooby, and Homer & Bart boarding the second flight. This left Charlie Brown & Lucy to join Bugs & Elmer and Rocky & Bullwinkle on the third flight…
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5:45 PM (Flight #1 arrives in Philadelphia)
As Garfield & Odie, Arnold & Gerald, Robin & Starfire, and Kim & Ron departed from the airport, they each hailed taxis to brave the 'rush-hour' traffic through the 'City of Brotherly Love'. About an hour later, they reached Independence Hall at the same time as the second flight from Lincoln made its landing. Robin & Starfire were the first to open their clue envelope…
6:42 PM (Independence Hall)
ROBIN & STARFIRE (together): "Road Block…Who's off to a 'Rocky' start?"
PHIL (wearing his normal khaki shirt, but red-white-and-blue, star-spangled boxing trunks): "A 'Road Block' is a task only one team member may perform…and we will enforce the rule used for two of our regular races that no team member can perform more than 6 'Road Block' tasks during the course of this race…
"In this 'Road Block', one team member will re-enact various scenes from the 1976 classic film, 'Rocky' and its most popular sequel, 1983's 'Rocky III'—and not the one with the moose and squirrel, either!
"That team member must crack four eggs into a glass, drink them (with some water, if necessary), jump rope 50 times, then run the marked 2.9-mile course to the 'Rocky' statue in front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. The other team member must travel by taxi to the statue, at 1 Ben Franklin Parkway, and wait for their team-mate to join them before receiving their next clue…
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6:43 PM
A fanfare of trumpets cut through the twilight air as Starfire, Arnold, Ron, and Odie ran to their respective stations. The fanfare grew as they started cracking eggs and pouring the slimy clear-and-yellow contents into their crystal tumblers.
The rest of the horn section joined into the music—as did drums, strings, and bass guitar—as the four competitors began drinking their concoction. At different intervals, the cameras switched to Starfire pinching her nose to drink her eggs, Arnold spilling egg on his shirt and being informed he had to repeat this part of the task, and Ron clinking glasses with Odie as a toast before slamming down their impromptu snacks-in-a-glass…
(Trying hard now…)
…Starfire choked on her eggs, but used the bottle of water to keep them down. Arnold resumed his second attempt to drink his eggs. Odie stumbled over his rope, but quickly recovered and began jumping. Ron's rope movement was fast enough to require the cameras to replay his actions in slow motion to count his jumps…
(It's so hard now…)
…Starfire, still queasy, began her rope jumping, but had to stop after only 25 jumps to let her stomach settle. Arnold was getting the hang of the jump rope, but only after his waist-tied sweater got caught up in the rope a few times. Ron was setting a world-class pace for his run—as far as humans go. However, Odie, being a dog, was still matching him stride for gallop…
(Trying hard now…)
…Starfire was just finishing her last jump when Arnold began his run through the marked path. Ron and Odie could see a bronze figure in the far distance, with two smaller figures just exiting cabs parked next to the bronze figure…
(AAAAHHHHHHHHH)
…each of the taxis holding Bender & Fry, Brian & Stewie, Shaggy & Scooby, and Homer & Bart were less than six blocks from Independence Hall. With his ears continuing to ring from their last field goal back in Lincoln, Brian was still hoping the surprise ahead involved putting Stewie into colonial-style arm and leg stocks in front of Washington Park. Still, the rushing cabs created a four-car pileup, jamming the streets ahead of them for over an hour…
(Getting strong now…)
…Thanks to the smoothest flight transfers in the history of Chicago's Midway Airport, the last three teams arrived in Philadelphia just in time to learn about the traffic jam. Their taxis were forced to take a round-about way to get to Independence Hall, but they still began to close the distance on the stranded teams ahead of them.
(Won't be long now…)
…Despite Arnold's head start, Starfire was quick to overtake him on the route. Ron and Odie were almost neck and neck as they recognized the smaller figures as their friends, cheering them on in anticipation of getting to open their next clue…
(Getting strong now…)
…The last of the tow trucks cleared the wreckage ahead of the second group of teams. They departed their cabs and began to open their clues…
(AAAAHHHHHHHHHH)
…Starfire widened her distance from Arnold as they reached the half-way point on the route. Ron and Odie reunited with their partners at the base of the 'Rocky' statue. As a chorus of strings began to play, the teams nearly opened their clues simultaneously…
7:35 PM
RON & KIM and GARFIELD & ODIE: "Make your way to the 'Pit Stop'…"
PHIL (still in the same shirt/trunks combo as before, standing next to the 'Pit Stop' mat): "Oh, come on, people!! What 'Rocky' re-enactment would be complete without the steps?...(now pulling up his trademark khaki shorts over the trunks)…Teams must run up the 65 stairs from the statue to the museum's front entrance…the 'Pit Stop' for this leg of the race. The last teams to 'check in' here may be eliminated!"
(Gonna fly now…)
…Odie & Garfield began their climb quicker than their human counterparts; but Garfield was so out-of-shape, he was winded after the first tier of steps…
(Flying high now…)
…Endurance was not an issue for Kim & Ron, who took the stairs two at a time, passing Garfield & Odie within the first few seconds of their ascent...
(Gonna fly now…)
…Starfire reunited with Robin at the base of the statue. As the Titans finished reading their clue, an exhausted Arnold stumbled up to the statue to meet Gerald…
(FLYYYYYYYYYYY)
…Garfield got his 'second-wind' and joined Odie to resume the climb. Arnold regained his composure to begin his ascent with Gerald…
(FLYYYYYYYYYYY)
…Robin & Starfire passed Garfield & Odie and set their sights on Team Possible. Kim & Ron reached the last step, performed a flawless tandem handspring, and landed on the mat with a resounding…
(BOOONNNNNGGGGGG!!!!)
7:38 PM
PHIL (giving a stern look to Kim & Ron): "Kim & Ron…You are Team Number ONE!"
KIM & RON (exchanging high-fives and hugs): "BOOO-YAH!"
PHIL (still looking stern at the team): "…However, the clues mentioned surprises…I still remember that 'Dr. Phil' crack from this morning! The first surprise makes the first team to arrive also the first team eliminated from the race!"
KIM & RON (freezing mid-hug, in utter horror): "WHAT??"
KIM (during a 'post-race' interview): "I know I couldn't stand the sliminess of the raw eggs…but I swear I was half-ready to kill Ron with my bare hands at that point!"
PHIL (now grinning from ear to ear): "I'm kidding! I'm kidding! You know I had to get you back for that. Seriously, you two…as winners of this leg of the race, you will each receive a 2008 Toyolet Primmus Hybrid, which you will get to enjoy at the end of the race…now let the next team 'check in', please."
7:39 PM
PHIL: "Robin & Starfire…you're team number two!"
…Robin & Starfire hug for a moment and then jump off the mat to make way for two more teams to 'check in'…
7:40 PM
PHIL: "Arnold and Gerald…you're team number three!"
…Arnold & Gerald perform their secret handshake as they walk off the mat …
7:42 PM
PHIL: "Garfield & Odie…you're team number four!"
…Garfield & Odie flop just off to one side of the mat in sheer exhaustion…
8:44 PM (Independence Hall)
…The second set of racers began to open their clues. As they began to read them, a massive series of squealing tires, crunching metal, and blood-curdling screams were heard. This could only mean one thing…the last three pairs have caught up with the rest of the pack! While it took some time to convince any more drivers to assists the seven teams, Bender, Stewie, Shaggy, Homer, Lucy, Elmer and Rocky (the squirrel) finally managed to secure taxis for the trip to the statue of the other 'Rocky'. The remaining team members began their 'Road Block' tasks to the increasing sound of a lone bass guitar, repeatedly playing a note one octave below 'middle C'. The cameras switched to the different competitors to the driving beat of this crescendo and the joining of several other guitars…
POW…POW-POW-POW…POW-POW-POW…POW-POW-POOWWW…..
…Fry, Shaggy, Bullwinkle, and Bart were eager to down their eggs, while Bugs, Charlie Brown, and Brian were a little hesitant at first before taking their drinks…
POW…POW-POW-POW……POW-POW-POW…POW-POW-POOWWW…..
…Shaggy, Fry, and Bart wasted little time completing their rope jumping. Bugs and Brian were gaining ground after taking so long with their eggs. Charlie and Bullwinkle got caught up in each other's rope, causing them to fall behind…
(Risin' up, back on the street…Did my time, took my chances…)
…Shaggy and Bugs were leading the group of seven at the start of the run through the marked course. Fry and Bart were close behind. Because Brian was not used to running like a normal dog, his short legs kept him lagging back with Charlie and Bullwinkle, who just finished their jump-rope portions…
(Went the distance now I'm back on my feet…Just a man and his will to survive…)
…Bugs took a slight lead over Shaggy as they gained further separation from the rest of the pack. Brian, Charlie, and Bullwinkle were closing in on Bart and Fry…
(So many times, it happens too fast…You trade your passion for glory…)
…Bugs held back a strong charge from Shaggy with six blocks left before the statue. Fry and Bart, not used to running such distances, were nearly caught by Bullwinkle, Charlie, and Brian when they reached the half-way mark…
(Don't lose your grip on your dreams of the past…)
…Bugs crashed into Elmer at the base of the statue. This let Shaggy catch up to meet Scooby and read their clue. Bart still led the remainder of the pack as they began the last half-mile of the course…
(You must fight just to keep them alive…)
…The teams from Looney Tunes and Mystery, Inc. were neck-and-neck all the way up the steps. It took slow motion instant replay and a computer-enhanced 'photo finish' to determine…
9:30 PM
PHIL: "Bugs & Elmer…you're team number five! That makes Shaggy and Scooby team number six!"
All four of the cartoon icons exchange hugs and handshakes, knowing they survived to race another leg…
(It's the 'Eye of the Tiger', it's the thrill of the fight…Risin' up to the challenge of our rival…)
…All five remaining teams met in a massive collision at the base of the statue. Once they got themselves apart, Homer & Bart led the climb, followed by Charlie & Lucy, Bender & Fry, and Brian & Stewie. It took a few extra seconds for Bullwinkle to peel Rocky off of 'Rocky'…
(And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night…)
…Bender & Fry passed Charlie & Lucy, but still trailed Bart & Homer by a few steps. Rocky & Bullwinkle overtook Brian & Stewie and were closing in on the racers ahead of them…
(And he's watchin' us all with the 'Eyyyyyyyyyeee…of the Tiger'…)
…The cameras cut to shots of each remaining team hitting the mat, with their names and 'check in' times displayed in the lower left corner of the screen…
9:34 PM
PHIL: "Bart & Homer…you're team number seven!"
9:35 PM
PHIL: "Bender & Fry…you're team number eight!"
9:36 PM
PHIL (motioning to a spot just off the mat): "Charlie & Lucy…you're the ninth team to arrive. Come over here for a moment."
…This act drew looks of total confusion from nearly everyone in attendance, including the teams who already 'checked in' just moments ago…
9:38 PM
PHIL: "Brian & Stewie…you're the tenth team to arrive. Please stand next to Charlie & Lucy for a moment."
…This made the on-lookers even more puzzled than before. One of the clues mentioned surprises ahead, but this situation was a real stumper…
9:39 PM
PHIL: "Bullwinkle & Rocky…you're the last team to arrive…"
…Phil then motioned for Charlie & Lucy and Brian & Stewie to join them on the mat. The looks of confusion turned into complete shock when Phil said…
"I'm sorry to tell you…but you have ALL been eliminated from the race!"
(END CREDITS)
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Author's Notes Well, that's one way to shorten the next few chapters! To those who endured this epic endeavor so far, congratulations! I hope I added enough twists and turns to keep your interest. For the next two weeks, I am going on my own 'Amazing Race' as I am going on a road trip from Florida to—that's right—my hometown of Omaha for a class reunion. I may or may not be able to post the next leg of the race during that time, but I assure you it will not be much later than that. I already have the main itinerary for the race and a pretty good idea who will probably be the final three teams for the race to the finish line. I will, however, entertain any comments you may have on the subject.
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The production of this story, like that for any work of fiction, is solely dependent upon the constructive feedback of its readers. If you like it, I will gladly make more. If you think of ways to make it better, I am always open to suggestions. If you really think it's a piece of garbage, stop me before I strike again!!
Your friend in writing,
The Samurai Crunchbird