Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to the amazing and talented R.A. Salvatore. I just borrow them every now and then for my own nefarious purposes. The lyrics are the work of Steven Lynch, who just kills me. Go to and watch him—his expressions just make the song. The inspiration for the use of the lyrics is from Moggetchan, Irish Nobody helped with the, er, "plot," and SYBS helped me start it.

A/N There is OOCness—you have been warned.

This is somewhat in response to, well, the "romance" stories here. You see, I had an urge for a nice fluffy romance between dear old Artemis and an OFC, so I came to the Forgotten Realms and looked for Genre: Romance; Fiction Rating: All; English; Length: All; Character 1: Artemis E.; Character 2: All; Status: All. Not very many restrictions, right? No, of course not. I set it to look for exactly what I was looking for.

I found 26 stories. Three of them—read that again: three—were not slash, or implied slash. o.O Then, one of those three had AE with Dwahvel; the second had AE with Catti-brie; and the third had AE with a modern OFC who got dropped back into Faerun—none of those three were what I was looking for. Now, while I, personally, don't like slash, I figure to each his (or her) own, and besides, I couldn't be the only romance fan in all of the Forgotten Realms fanfic-reading fandom who didn't like slash, could I?

Apparently I could, at least recently (the latest of the three was put up last year), and definitely in the minority. Ah, well.

So before I write my own nice and fluffy romance with an OFC, this is a short tale thought up while on a sugar-induced high and concentrated by lack of sleep. In other words, this probably reads like a madman on crack.

At any rate, I hope you enjoy, reviews are always welcome, good fortune and fair seas to all…and all that jazz.

Some Bunny Loves You

a fanfiction

by Tiggermyk

(with a bit of help from SYBS, Moggetchan, and Irish Nobody)

A sudden explosion of drunken laughter echoed up the stairs of the inn to the rooms, and Artemis Entreri rolled his eyes. Doubtless the drow had told one of his "jokes," and since it was likely the whole barroom was drunk (courtesy of the drow's bottomless pockets of firewhisky), of course they all found it simply hilarious.

With a deep sigh he stood from the tub, water streaming off his toned body and dripping from his hair. He reached for his bathrobe and pulled it on, then stepped out of the icy water and into his slippers. Loosely knotting the tie around his waist, he padded silently toward the bed, where his clothes and a towel were laid out.

But before he could get there, the door burst open. Entreri whirled, his hands going to his hips (and his non-existent weapons), expecting an attack.

Instead, he got Jarlaxle and Drizzt Do'Urden (what was he doing here?), apparently stuck in the doorway. He gaped as they roared with laughter at their predicament.

"Ooooh, look!" Jarlaxle cried out, words definitely slurred and loopy grin on his face. He had taken notice of Entreri and his state of dress—or rather, undress—and pointed at the assassin's feet. "I guess at least some bunnies loves you!"

He and the ranger roared with laughter again.

"Yes, very funny," Entreri said icily, his hands folded across his chest. Just because his slippers were fuzzy, and pink, and had the faces of bunnies on them, did not give the drow, of all people, the right to make fun of them. "What is he doing here?" he demanded, nodding at Drizzt.

"Why, visiting, of course. Guess what? I can burp his name!"

"Yeah," Drizzt agreed, identical loopy smile on his own face. "Do it, Jar-Jar!"

"Don't—" Entreri started with a glare, but Jarlaxle either didn't hear—unlikely—or chose to ignore him—highly likely.

"Lissen: Dr-i-i-i-i-z-z-t!"

The two burst into gales of laughter again, and the assassin sighed. Though admittedly, they did make a rather funny picture, hanging in the doorway, and the fact that the pretentious Jarlaxle had just burped a name…there was plenty of blackmail material there.

"Lessee if we can get outta here," Drizzt said after their laughter had died down.

"On three," Jarlaxle agreed. "One—two—"

"Wai, wai, wait!" Drizzt protested. "This on three, or after three?"

Jarlaxle was silent for a moment. "Wha?" he finally managed.

"Y'know," Drizzt said in all seriousness, which made it all the funnier. "We get outta on three, or say three then get outta?"

Jarlaxle was quiet for a long moment more, apparently pondering this conundrum. "Y'know," he began, then stopped. Then started again.

"Y'know," he said, "wouldn't that be on three and on four?"

Now it was Drizzt's turn for a long contemplative silence.

"For the love of the gods," Entreri said in disgust. Then he reached forward, grabbed a fistful of the back of their collars in each hand, and yanked. Both stumbled in, clinging to Entreri. He fought to keep his balance, but to no avail. With an oomph, they landed on the bed, Entreri buried beneath Drizzt and Jarlaxle. Both were laughing again. Entreri was contemplating murder—or suicide.

After a moment, Jarlaxle propped himself up and looked at Drizzt and Entreri. "Y'know, here we are, old friends, and drunk again. We've been laughing and we've been crying—"

"I think the whisky's gone to your head," Entreri said dryly.

"—but if I were gay," he continued gamely, "I'd give you both my hearts."

"You have more than one?" Entreri wondered.

"You'd both be my works of art," Drizzt said dreamily. "We would swim and romance."

"But I'm not gay," Entreri pointed out. "So Jarlaxle you bastard GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MY ROBE!"

Jarlaxle removed his wandering hand without a word. Both drunken drow stared at him, hurt in their eyes. Entreri sighed again.

"Look," he began, "it's not that I don't care—"

"I do," Drizzt interrupted.

"—but I just don't see myself in you. I mean," he said with a wince, "Another time or another place, I be right behind you—not that way!" he added, sounding frazzled.

"If Iwere gay," Jarlaxle said, "I think I'd give you my soul."

"If I were gay," Drizzt countered. "I'd give you my whole…being."

"If I were gay," Jarlaxle continued doggedly, "We'd tear down the walls."

"But I'm not gay," Entreri pointed out. "Drizzt you ass, STOP CUPPING MY BALLS!"

This time it was the ranger who pulled his hand away. Entreri glared at both drow, daring them to continue the conversation.

Of course, Jarlaxle did.

"I don't think we've hugged, and I don't think we've kissed," he announced, staring intently at the assassin. He began to get very, very afraid. "And I've never been intimate with your—"

"Arrrgh!" Entreri screamed, and with a great heave he pushed the drow off him and leaped off the bed, breathing heavily.

"But Arty—" Jarlaxle protested.

"No! Don't call me Arty! I'm leaving!"

And he fled for the hallway, slamming the door behind him. "What're you looking at?" he snarled at a man already in the hallway, gaping at this strange person who came out of the room.

It wasn't until he was on the street that he realized he was still in his bathrobe and fuzzy pink bunny slippers. For the barest split second of a moment, he considered going back and getting his clothes.

Then he decided it was too dangerous, and to burn them in the morning.

A/N Mwahahaha! That was fun. I hope you enjoyed it as well. Anyway, here are the actual lyrics to "If I Were Gay," by Stephen Lynch:

Here we are
Dear old friends
You and I drunk again
laughs have been had
tears have been shed
maybe the whisky has gone to my head
but if I were gay
I would give you my heart
and if I were gay
you'd be my work of art
and if I were gay
we would swim in romance
but I'm not gay
so get your hand out of my pants

It's not that I don't care
I do
I just don't see myself in you
another time another scene
I'd be right behind you

if you know what I mean
cause if I were gay
I would give soul
and if I were gay
I would give you my whole... being
and if I were gay
we would tear down the walls
But I'm not gay
so wont you stop cupping my Ba... Hand

We've never hugged
we've never kissed
I've never been intimate with your fist
you have opened brand new doors
Get over here and drop…your…drawers