I had to think a long time about whether or not I wanted to start this story, but I finally decided to give it a whirl and see where it goes… Mostly 'cause I couldn't get the idea out of my head. I really didn't think I should start anything new for a while, but I'm bored, I have a lot of time on my hands (when you don't have a car, a job or the internet, it happens) and my mom was stuck at home with me for a while 'cause the car is busted… again. I do want to parody all of the canonical RE games (I'm also working on 4 right now – 'Letters from Spain'), but I'm not sure if I'll stick with this approach to 1. Before I drop the idea, though, I'm willing to try it. If people like it, and I don't get bored with it, I'll keep it going…

This was inspired by reading quotes I wrote down from my old Environmental Science class (I was in a class of total clowns), and hence came the idea of a class taking a field trip, and ending up in Spencer Mansion – unfortunately, shortly after the virus outbreak. I can guarantee you this story will be weird. And people will die. But I hope it makes you laugh (although it might take a little while in the beginning for the humor to kick in).

And note, 'Petshez' is not a real name – as far as I know. I mixed around a couple syllables from my own teacher's name and got that. Also, I know the title is retarded… But I'm a huge fan of Jill, and I couldn't resist doing that.

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The Class and the Sandwich

By Burning Bridges

Chapter One: The Idiots Arrive

It all began at Raccoon City High School, when an Environmental Science teacher named Mr. Petshez decided to take some of his students on a class trip and posted a sign up sheet… And only five people signed up.

Nevertheless thrilled by the fact that someone actually signed up (he was thoroughly aware of the fact that he wasn't a very popular teacher), he gathered the five kids up one foggy morning and led them onto a short bus, explaining they were heading into the mountains to explore the vast Arklay forest.

What the group hadn't counted on was getting lost on the way up after turning off onto a road that, unbeknownst to them, was the only one the local government hadn't blocked off after the various "monster-related" attacks two months earlier. They drove for about an hour, until the bus ran out of gas, and then began to walk, looking for any sign of civilization. It was getting dark when they spotted a mansion up ahead.

"I'm tired," O'Shinsky, the class joker, whined for the twentieth time in five minutes.

"You only have to walk a few more yards," replied Mr. Petshez, a little overly happy given the situation.

"Do you think we should really just walk into a mansion? Couldn't we get arrested?" Lynn, the smartest of the five, asked.

"We're just looking for help. We can't get arrested for that," answered Brian, the jackass.

"Why did I sign up for this crap?" muttered Alex, the broody goth and best friend of Lynn.

"You just did?" Grompone, the idiot, proposed.

The group of one teacher, three guys and two girls, followed by the bus driver made their way towards the mansion, looking around for anyone outside to ask for help. But the grounds were eerily vacant.

"As far as I've heard, Spencer Mansion is supposed to have a lot of employees. I wonder if they're all inside…" the bus driver said, looking over his shoulders a lot, as if he thought they were being followed.

"Where else would they be, fat ass?" Alex grumbled.

"Why are you such a bitch?" O'Shinsky asked, and she went to punch him.

Lynn grabbed her arm. "Hey, I promised to keep you from starting fights. Just ignore him. And O'Shinsky, shut up."

"You're not the boss of me."

"Don't tempt me to shut you up."

"Why don't we all just shut up?" the bus driver suggested.

"Hey, a dog," Grompone said suddenly, and they all looked to see him walking towards a Doberman that was missing a lot of skin and had white slivers of rib showing.

"That dog doesn't look right…" Mr. Petshez said, as if that wasn't obvious. "I don't think you should go near it."

The dog began to growl.

"Get away from the dog, stupid!" Brian shouted.

"Huh?" Grompone said, turning away from the dog.

"Oh, shit!" screamed the bus driver as the dog for some reason ignored the idiot and came after him instead.

The teacher and five students ran for the mansion, while the bus driver (screaming 'I'm not a deer!') got mauled by a dozen dogs that had come out of the woods. They ran inside, closing the doors behind them.

"What the hell was that about?!" Lynn yelled, leaning heavily against the wall and trying to catch her breath.

"I think this is Mr. Burns' mansion. Someone released the hounds on us," Grompone said, and they all gave him funny looks.

O'Shinsky peered outside through a crack in the door. "I guess the bus driver is dead. It looks like his head just got ripped off."

Alex glared at him. "Well, duh, he's dead."

Mr. Petshez chuckled. "Human tragedy always makes me laugh."

The other five stared, slowly inching away.

Suddenly the door opened, and none other than who we know as Wesker, Barry and Jill ran in.

The two groups just looked at each other.

"Um…" began Wesker, "What are you doing here?"

"We're on a field trip," Mr. Petshez said happily, and the four exchanged odd looks. "What are you doing here?"

"That's really none of your business," Wesker said.

"Well, okay then," Petshez said.

"Alright," Wesker reiterated.

"So who are you?"

"We're members of S.T.A.R.S."

They stared at each other for a long time, like it was going to get them somewhere.

"What's going on here? And where is Chris?" Jill asked in an anxious tone, finally breaking the silence.

"Who's Chris?" Grompone questioned.

"I'm Chris!" responded Petshez.

"The other Chris," Wesker said, getting a bit annoyed.

"Maybe we should look around…" Barry put forward, wanting to get far away from this weirdo class.

"I agree. But what do we do with them?" Jill asked, pointing to Petshez, who was now rubbing a polishing cloth on his bald spot idly.

"Take them with you," Wesker said, "You know that saying, uh… 'Eight heads are better than one'."

"That's two heads," Lynn corrected.

Wesker gave her a dirty look for a minute before reacting. "Go to hell."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. Why don't all of you go through those doors over there, and I'll meet you back here?"

"I'm scared," whined Grompone.

"Me, too," included O'Shinsky.

"Then why don't you two dweebs stay here?" Alex said caustically.

"Okay!" Grompone said gleefully.

"Yeah, we'll stay here with Corey Hart," O'Shinsky said, indicating Wesker.

"Great," Wesker murmured to himself.

The rest of the group went on through the double doors.

"Look, if you're staying with me, you better understand that if you don't do what I tell you, you're dead. Got it?"

"Yup!" they said in unison.

"Now, what are your names?"

"O'Shinsky."

"Grompone."

"I meant your first names."

"We like our last names better," O'Shinsky explained.

"It makes us like Cher," added Grompone. "What's your name?"

"Wesker."

"Are you like Cher, too?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Come on, follow me."

In the next room…

"What is it?" Jill asked when she spotted the huge blood puddle on the floor.

"I would assume its blood. A) It's red. B) It looks like blood. C) It probably is blood," Lynn said, shaking her head.

"Watch, its Kool-Aid or something," Brian said.

"Strawberry Jell-O," Alex laughed.

"Its blood," Barry said, most likely the last to realize that. "I hope it isn't Chris' blood."

"Well, it's not mine," Petshez said, relieved sounding.

"Jill, why don't you go see what's beyond that door? I'm going to investigate."

"Okay."

"We'll come with you," Petshez said, "Just in case."

They all piled through the door and into a long hallway. There was an odd ripping sound coming from around the corner, and they went to see what it was.

They came up upon a deformed guy shoveling human flesh into his face.

"Holy shit!" Alex said.

"It's Hannibal Lector!" Brian said.

"It's a zombie, you idiot," Lynn scoffed.

"Oh God, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it!" Petshez screamed like a girl, running around in circles.

Jill did just that. She examined the gruesomely battered body. "This is Kenneth from the S.T.A.R.S. Bravo team."

"His head got chewed off, just like the bus driver," Alex said thoughtfully.

"EWW!" Petshez said, jumping around like a total wuss, "Let's go! That is so gross!"

They left the hallway quickly.

"Jill, what happened?" Barry asked as they re-entered the dining room.

"I found a body. Kenneth is dead."

"Casualty of the Human-Tuna war," Brian said and the two looked at him funny, although the other three seemed to get the reference.

The door suddenly opened, and Jill almost had a heart attack.

"What is it?" Barry asked.

"It's a monster!" Jill replied.

"A zombie," Lynn revised.

"I'll take care of this." Barry shot it to death, and then looking down at it, said the stupidest thing ever. "What is it?"

"Why do they keep saying that?" Alex whispered to Brian.

"It's a zombie, dumbass! Does anyone here understand English??" Lynn shouted.

"I think we should report this to Wesker. Let's go tell him." Jill and Barry nodded to each other.

The group headed back out into the main hall.

"Wesker?"

Barry and Jill spent several minutes searching for the missing captain, despite the fact he was obviously not there. Unless he either had the properties of a chameleon, could walk on the ceiling or sink into floors.

"Where did he go?"

"Somewhere," Brian answered.

"Why don't you go that way and see if you can find him? I'll go back in there and look around a little more. If anything happens, let's meet back here."

"Agreed," Jill said, turning to the others. "Come on, guys. You can help me look."

"Sure," said Petshez.

"Right-on," said Lynn.

"Word," said Brian.

"Oh fuck. Here we go again," said Alex.

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Well, that's the first chapter – hopefully they'll improve as I get used to writing as my characters. I'm trying to come up with Environment-related jokes for this, about stuff I learned in that class, but I really need to think back a little bit. I still have all my old tests and study guides, and those are from two years ago…

Oh well, I've got to wrap this up for now. It's very early, I'm very tired, and I need to work on a new chapter of my RE4 parody. Night-night (watch, you're probably reading this in the middle of the day, or something).

Anyway, leave me a review and let me know what you think of my newest story!