Please do not read if the following disturb you: Rape, Anorexia, Bulimia or Self harm. This is inspired by one of the few women who suffered from the disease Anorexia Nervosa because of childhood trauma. Read if you're confused.

My father, he's home. A moment ago I felt the house shudder as he slammed the front door. He's home. He's back and I can hear him coming up the stairs-each creak means he's getting closer to me. Any minute now and he will be in my room. In with me and I have nothing to stop him. I am nothing. I try to push myself under the bed; shoving aside boxes and clothing. Maybe he'll be too drunk to notice me. Maybe he would walk straight past and think I've gone out.

Tonight I could be lucky. If I was, I would pay for it tomorrow. But I would be safe tonight. I could spare myself the pain tonight. I pressed myself against the floor. I am nothing. The house is silent. Where is he? I can't wait, the tension is killing me, I can't wait. And the suspension ends. The door bursts open and he's there.

He's something terrible in my doorway. Something powerful and terrible. Now he's calling to me. Maybe he wants to know about my day? Maybe he's happy? Maybe he's the same as always.

"Sak, sweetie?" comes his gentle voice "Sak, where'ya hiding? Aren't you a little old for hide and seek Sak?"

I wish he would stop calling me that. I haven't been Sak for 7 years now. I havnt been Sak since I was eight. He's looking in my closet. He's staring at my clothes.

"Sak, honey. I don't like these clothes- they're too old for you. You're my baby Sak-sweetie"

I grimace. They're not my clothes. They're my mother's. They're the only things left in the house that belong to her- that still smell of her and remind me of her. I can't control my breathing. I can't control it, I'm loosing everything. I need to be calm. I need to be nothing. I am nothing.

"There you are Sak!" I scream as he grabs my ankle, he's grasp is strong. It's as strong as iron. And he's pulling me, dragging me out of the dark. The dark; where it is uncertain. And he's pulling me into the light. Where I can see his face, his expression and that ashen pallor.

He's not my father anymore. I am nothing and he is a monster. His face is thrust into mine. I can smell his rank breath. It's sickening it's sickening like carrion. When he speaks to me spittle sticks to my face and I feel nauseous.

"Sak, my little girl" he breaths. He leans forward and whispers in my ear. He tells me he loves me. But I am nothing. You can't love something that doesn't exist. I can feel his gaze on me. He looks me up and down. I risk a glance at his face, he seems surprised.

I feel uneasy. He usually hits me and goes. I help him relieve his stress by becoming a punch bag. But now, now I feel so uneasy.

"Daddy…" I start but squeak as his weight falls on top of me. He's crushing me and I can hardly breathe. But he can't hurt me I am nothing. Nothing.

"Sakura, Sakura. You've grown, you look just like your mother"

What's he talking about, what does he mean? He reeks of alcohol. He absolutely stinks. I want to vomit, I want to get rid of the stench of him. He lifts a hand, as if to slap me. I sigh half relieved. It's nearly over- I can cry in a minute. I can lie snivelling on the floor- emerged in my own weakness.

It came down gently. The hand caressed my cheek and then roughly pushed my head to the side. His hot, moist breath tickled my neck and I wretched at the feeling. My father, the monster planted a kiss beneath my ear. I panicked and began to struggle. He was disgusting- he was ruining me. I couldn't let him do it but his weight pinned me down.

"Please, please stop, Daddy…" I hoped the childish name would snap him out of it. I hoped he would see he was hurting a child. He only laughed, it was so cruel, so cold and I didn't understand at all.

"Sak, Sak, there's nothing wrong" how could he say that? How could he believe that. Even now his hand worked its way down, his calloused skin catching on my neck. It trailed past my collar bone and I struggled again.

"Daddy! Stop!" I screamed but he continued. He roughly grasped my breast. I began to cry- even though I had promised not to cry in front of him again. He groped it, relishing in the texture. I tried to scream again and I thought it worked. He took the hand away and punched me across the cheek.

"Shut up, shut up you whore"

"I'm not a whore! I'm not, I-I" I screeched then my voice dropped "I'm nothing" he laughed and returned to my breast. Soon he bored of the top I was wearing and tried to rip it. He fabric strained against my skin- pushing against my spin. Finally it gave way and tore raggedly. I took the opportunity to try and wriggle away, I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't fast enough and he slammed his fist into my gut. Making me wretch again. The tears were hot on my face, I was sweating I couldn't escape.

Greedily the monster began to disgrace my body. He touched me; he stroked me with a brutal tenderness. Everything burned, it was so wrong. Why couldn't he leave me alone? Couldn't he see I was nothing?

His right hand pounded into the fatty tissue upon my chest. I refused to think of it as a breast, it wasn't something so associated with love anymore. It was used and dirty. I didn't want it to be part of me. His left hand crept down to my skirt, hoisting it up. I cried more, pleading with him, begging him to let me go. Why was he doing this, he had long ago shattered my image of what a father should be. He had woken me to the reality that I was living in.

Hitting me hadn't been enough, how long had he been watching me? How long had he watched my body grow into the shape of my mother's? Had he craved me, or is it only now under the influence of alcohol that he had no idea what he was doing.

His left hand slid under my panties, I choked as my vomit rose. I pushed at him, hoping, just hoping he would roll off and it would be a dream. He only rose a couple of inches before my strength failed me and he fell again.

He was suffocating me and yet it was not enough. If only all the air could be forced from my body, then I wouldn't feel him defiling my body. I hate him. I hate him for ignoring that I am nothing. Maybe in his sick twisted mind he realised. He realised that nothing could be hurt. Nothing didn't matter to the rest of the world. I didn't matter because I am nothing.

I cried out in pain as he forced a finger into me. I wasn't used to it, I wasn't ready for it and I felt nothing but hate for the thing on top of me. My body wouldn't allow him in- I was tight and dry- I wouldn't let him in. I screamed as he threatened to tear me apart with his fingers.

I had never been in this much agony- I feared him now, hate wasn't enough. I couldn't breath, my retching and coughing grew worse.

"Sak- I'm going to make you mine. Like I made your mother" he whispered in my ear menacingly. I knew it wasn't an empty threat. In this small house he was king, he controlled everything and I couldn't escape.

Purposefully he sat up and began to undo his belt, his weight now shifted onto my hips and it gave me enough leverage to sit up. With all my strength I pushed at him and he toppled onto my pile of clothing. My instincts took over and I scrambled over the bed, desperate to escape the monster. To escape the pain. With no hesitation I ran onto the landing. I glanced behind me but ran into something.

It was a man, tall and grey haired. I tried to scurry backwards but heard my father's laboured breathing from inside my room- he was getting up again. He made it to the door and I was desperate now. The stranger couldn't understand what I was going through and seemed shocked enough as it was. The man didn't react fast enough as I pushed past- just as I had thought.

I heard a thump and my father lay, sprawled on the floor like a rag doll. The monster was unconscious. Relief washed over me and I collapsed to the ground, vomiting. It was over, I felt so empty- it was as if I had just regurgitated all my hopes and dreams.

They tasted so bitter.

And I am nothing again.

The woman I have written it about was raped by her father's best friend. This woman, could not live with what happened to her... Some of that will be echoed in a later chapter. Sneak peak below...

"It was the only way, the only way I could take control of my life. The only way that distanced me from other people. Nobody wants to talk to the girl who looks like a boy"

I would like to hear your thoughts about it. Please do leave a review. How have I done? Do you think I over did it a bit? If anyone want to Beta by the way feel free.