We don't own the Newsies Universe. In fact, we don't own the REAL universe. Dang. Guess we'll need to take our army of evil mutant sheep off Uranus then. Much love to Monkey McCartney and Backstage for (unknowingly) letting us steal snippets of their brilliant stories. Take note, this is somewhat zany and random. Enjoy, and don't forget to review!
Prologue—
Once upon a time, in a galaxy not too far away, but considerably close, there lived a ruthless type of boys called…Newsies.
The "evil" ruthless authoresses of this fic, having foolishly given these Newsies computers, have devised a plan to use these favored boy-toys to take over the world for them using Mind Bending Technology and "Your Mom" jokes.
Today, Crutchy, Jack, and Mush have started their plan on world domination, much to the delight of DutchyAndYummers.
Unbeknownst to DutchyAndYummers, but beknownst to you, world domination is not as easy as it sounds….
NEWSIES FF
'I pledge allegiance to F-And-Number Sign-Percent,
The dictatorship that stands tall and strong,
Commanded forever,
By those chosen three,
Wit a sprinkling of parmesan cheese…'
"You know that is a misspelling, right?" Crutchy asked pointing at the word 'wit' on the computer screen.
"It is NOT a misspellin'," Jack objected. "It's how we're gonna say it, so that's how it's gonna be. I make my OWN spelling…ern… spellingern."
Mush flexed his muscles and chanted, "Strong an' fit, strong an' fit, strong an' fit, strong an' fit. Fit an' strong…"
Jack jumped in fright.
Crutchy giggled.
Mush flexed his muscles and chanted more.
Crutchy regained his composure and said, "I'm the only one here really thinkin' about world domination… aren't I?"
Jack poked Mush's muscles. "Wow, you really ARE strong and fit!"
"Strong an' Fit," Mush said proudly.
Crutchy rolled his eyes. "I am…" he retorted.
Jack pulled away Crutchy's crutch and finished, "Crippled an' unbalanced."
Crutchy then proceeded to stand up all on his own, and punched Jack right on the kisser.
"I'll show ya crippled an' unbalanced." He threatened.
Then he promptly fell over.
Mush looked up from his muscular arm and said, "Huh? Was you'se talkin' 'bout me… or Parmesan cheese?"
"We was TALKING about--" Crutchy started.
The above forces writing this brilliantly written piece of literature that deserves the Pulitzer Prize interrupted.
You guys? You're supposed to be creating a dictatorship, not arguing about masculinity!
"The Pulitzer Prize?" Crutchy asked disbelievingly, reading the bold print. "How's that for irony?"
Jack looked close to tears as he spoke, "I w-want some cheese…"
Everyone looked at him and the next thing he knew, he was smacked with Crutchy's crutch… which strangely had a grilled boloney sandwich on it.
You guuuuuyys!!! Whined the above forces. Dictatorism to do here!!
"Okay, okay…" Jack spat in defeat. "So what is this country goin' to be called?"
"You wrote it yourself," pointed out Mush. "F-number sign-percent."
"Wow," said Crutchy. "You said something other than 'Strong and Fit' AND it was somewhat intelligent."
"Strong and Fit." said Mush.
Then an IM popped up. How the Newsies had managed to get Hotmail, we will never know.
It said…
Play-da-Ponys says: Hey u there?
SantaFe-Bound says: Yeah…
Crutchy screeched, "Tell Racetrack I said hi!!!!"
"Yeah, me too" Mush said, now examining his abs.
One of the Above Forces covered her eyes and screamed, My Eyes!
The other one bounced up and down. Yay!! Mushy, do a strip-tease!
Mush obeyed. "I'm too sexy for my shirt," He sang, wiggling his bum suggestively.
Jack gagged.
But he was the only one.
SantaFe-Bound says: Crutchy and Mush say hi
Play-da-Ponys says: cool…
Play-da-Ponys says: Blink and Dutchy say hi 2
SantaFe-Bound says: wait… blink and Dutchy are just on the other end of the lodging house
Play-Da-Ponys says: smiles
SantaFe-Bound says: What's going on?
Play-Da-Ponys says: I lost another bet 2day… thats an all time lo
SantaFe-Bound says- o. srry. We're gunna take ova the world, want in on it?
Racetrack yelled across the room," Are ya nuts? Course I want in! Wait…will there be gamblin' ?"
Jack smiled evilly, "Of course! You gots to be crazy to NOT have gamblin' included in dictatorship!"
"SQUEEEEEEEE!" Racetrack… squeed.
Yeah.
…
Well, that was out of character.
…
…
"So, what should our flag be?" asked Crutchy quizzically.
"Let's have it be an arm flexin'," Mush suggested. "Preferably mine, but I'm open to Dutchy's."
"This ain't gonna turn into a slash fan fiction is it?" Jack inquired.
"With fiction, anythin' can happen," replied Mush mysteriously.
SantaFe-Bound says: So wat do u think our flag should be?
Play-Da-Ponys says: Let's have it be a Twinkie stabbing a cream puff with a watermelon in the background.
SantaFe-Bound says: lol. Ok. That seemed rather thought thru.
Play-Da-Ponys says: been thinking of it 4 years, Jacky Boy.
SantaFe-Bound says: y? Thats weird
Play-da-Ponys says- it is? Really?
Jack yelled across the room, "Yeah it is, FREAK!"
Racetrack looked at him, and then ran out of the lodging house, crying. After a moment of laughter, Blink and Duchy both made a mad dash for the computer.
Blink won of course, because he only has one eye. Unlike Dutchy, who just has glasses. Loser.
Jack turned back to his computer screen and saw an IM message pop up once again.
OneEyedGoilMa says: Hey!
SantaFe-Bound says: wats up w/ the IM name?
OneEyedGoilMa says: well its supped to be OneEyedGoilMagnet… but I didn't have enough room.
SantaFe-Bound says: change it… asap
OneEyedGoilMa says: fine
Blinkerbell says: is this better?
SantaFe-Bound says: LOL! Yes
Blinkerbell says: WHAT?! Peter Pan is my fav movie!
SantaFe-Bound says: Movie? Wtf is a movie?
Blinkerbell says: idk….
Jack immediately logged off of instant messaging to get a large distance away from his insane friend. But it wasn't really that far away. Because Blink was beaming befuddledly just across the bunkroom.
The above almighty forces above interrupted. Yay for alliterations! Squuuueeeeeee!
"Gawd, I hate squeein'," mumbled Crutchy, trying and failing to get up from his crumpled position on the floor.
Oh, yeah, we forgot you were still on the floor, Crutchy the above forces apologized. They then used their magical author abilities to bring Crutchy to his feet, AND give him a brand new crutch. It was a UTILITY CRUTCH to whack people with and take over the world.
It also came with a tuna sandwich maker.
"Gee, thanks, goils!" Crutchy pressed a magical button on the head of the crutch curiously. He lifted the end and suddenly a 'Fricken' Laser beam' shone out of the end. The Laser beam aimed and shot at the other end of the lodging house and hit Racetrack's, now Blink's, computer. The computer then burst into a billion tiny pieces. Blink screamed in terror as the bio of DutchyAndYummers on disappeared into shattered remains of the monitor.
"Why did you do that?" He whispered, as his screams died to a close. "You killed the only thing that was ever important to me!"
A bright light much like something in a Harry Potter Novel or the Sixth Sense infused Blink. He was lifted up high, high into the air, and then dropped suddenly on the ground. The white light disappeared, and Blink's 1899 style suspenders and shirts had disappeared as well. In its place, Kid wore trapeze pants, a dark black shirt, and dirty, well worn converse. His dirty blond hair and leather eyepatch had turned a dark black, and his bright blue eye had faded to a dull red.
Kid Blink had become Emo.
"No one understands me!" He wailed, sitting up on the floor. Blink then proceeded to jump out the window and find someone to "soothe" his frazzled soul and to take pictures of himself for MySpace.
….
There was a dramatic pause.
"Anyways…" said everyone in the story (and even some that weren't).
Mush broke the eerie silence with his ever-popular chant, "Strong an' fit. Strong an' Fit," and so on.
"Yes you are…"cooed the fan-girl that had somehow managed to sneak in.
Crutchy, and his new Utility Crutch convinced her to leave, after a nice long 'talk', involving his Utility Crutch and its 'frickin laser beam'.
//cut to commercial//
Announcer Voice:(booms) This commercial has been paid for by…well, we, uh, don't…really know.
Snyder: (appears onscreen in front of Refuge. He is grinning in an attempt to look friendly. He is not succeeding.)
Snyder: Why go take your children to the country for a vacation? You have your own Vacation Home right here in New York—the Refuge!
(screen shoots to inside of Refuge where a little boy is sweeping with a broom. He wears a smile that is obviously fake)
BOY: It's cheap, fun, AND you can get exercise!
(screen shoots to a few older boys chasing around same little boy. The older boys look suspiciously like JAKE, SWIFTY, and PIE EATER)
OLDER BOY #1 (JAKE): We'se gonna get ya, ya twerp!
LITTLE BOY: Haha, you fellows, quit kidding around! C'mon, guys, lay off! Fellas! Fellas! STOP!
(screen changes again to Snyder)
Snyder: The Refuge, a place where EVERYONE has fun! (he smiles brightly). Oh, and if anyone has seen a boy who calls himself Jack Kelly, I'd really like to know. Jack, if you're watching this—
(he clears throat and then starts cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West)
Snyder: BWAHAHAHA!!! I'LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!!!!! HAHAHAHA!
(disappears in cloud of orange tinted smoke)
//commercial stops//
"That was the creepiest thing I've ever seen," Jack noted. "The almighty writers sure don't have very good ideas."
YOU TRY WRITING THIS DUMB THING UNDER PRESSURE! screamed the now PO'd authors. IT'S NOT EASY!
"Fine, I will," said Jack.
"But what about taking over the woild?" asked Crutchy.
SHUT THE H&$ UP YOU F&#& A#HOLE!!! "This ain't gonna be PG no more…" muttered Mush. "Sheesh." Jack clicked on Microsoft Word and started to begin his story.
Jacks Story
"Sarah." Jack whispered as he massaged her huge, plentiful—
PG FIC! PG FIC! WE DO NOT WANT TO READ THAT! EW EW EW EW EW!!!
Jack mumbled to himself and backspaced. Then he began to write again
"Jack," sarah whispered. "I'm breaking up with you, Im sorry. I found another love." THIS IS COMPLETE AND UDDER RUBBISH! YOU CAN'T WRITE TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!"Wat?" Jack the handsomely funny dashing gorgeous boy said. "who is it? Ill soak the dirty scab!"
"Trouble in paradise, Jack?" asked Crutchy, reading over Jack's shoulder. Jack rolled his eyes.
"Broke up with her yesterday. Good riddance, too. She was driving me nuts!"
A/N: Us? Hate…Sarah? No. No, no, of COURSE we don't!
"This is dumb," Mush sighed.
"Look who's talkin'…" muttered Jack offhandly.
He was instantly slapped across his face by an invisible all-powerful hand. Because Mush is not dumb, he's just naive.
"Alright, fine," sighed Jack. "I give up.'
He clicked out of the story and pulled up the pledge again. "Dude," He leaned back in his chair. "We are so brilliant. I can't believe we actually thought of takin' over the woild like this!"
Crutchy gaped at him blankly. "What did you say?"
"I said, we are so brilliant and dat--!"
'--no, no." directed Crutchy. "I hoid something before that. It sounded like "Do" or somethin'."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." huffed Jack indignantly. Mush looked up.
"Hey…" he began, a lightbulb lighting up in his head.
"What, dude?" asked Jack. "Spit it out!"
"There!" Crutchy said triumphantly. "You said it again!"
"You're babbling, dude." Jack glared at the cripple.
Crutchy groaned, exasperated, and laid his head down on the keyboard.
Would they ever get around to taking over the world?
There is no Author's Note.