A/N: Well, this is my first romp into the ToS fandom, though I've been perusing fanwork for ages now. It's just a short, hopefully humorous little piece that I wrote in about ten minutes.

No real spoilers, in my opinion; a little tidbit every now and then, but nothing major, so it shouldn't ruin anything for anybody.

It's rated for Zelos's crude humor and abundance of innuendos. Gotta love Zelos.

Feedback appreciated. Thanks! -MeeLee

Twelve Letters Zelos Wilder Never Wrote

Dear Martel,

Fuck you. Not literally. Okay, maybe literally. Depends on whether you're in tree form or not.

Dear Lloyd,

The fact that you have to have two swords instead of just one says something about your self-confidence, just so you know.

Oh, and you are officially the most oblivious person I've ever met. I mean, between Colette doing the whole damsel-in-distress thing and Sheena making goo-goo eyes at you every fifteen seconds, I'd've thought you'd score by now.

Like I said, self-confidence issues, man. Maybe the Eternal Sword'll help. That thing is massive.

Dear Kratos,

Wanna compare swords? If you know what I mean.

Dear Yggdrasill,

You really can't expect to be feared with a last name like that.

Dear Colette,

You're not going to snag Lloyd with the selfless act, trust me. All it's gonna do is get you kidnapped some more, so quit with it already.

And why do you have pink wings? I want pink wings.

Dear Regal,

You have no idea how kinky those handcuffs are.

Dear Genis,

Quit playing with that toy and get yourself a real weapon. And hit puberty while you're at it. Twerp.

Dear Sheena,

Nice tits.

Dear Raine,

You have a huge rod. Heh.

Dear Seles,

You don't want to be the Chosen. Trust me, you don't. It's overrated like you wouldn't believe. And I don't want you to suffer like I have.

I'm sorry I haven't been there for you very much; I'll try my best from now on. You're turning fourteen this year, right? I'll get you something nice.

Dear Presea,

You scare me.

Dear Yuan,

Nice hair. Mine's prettier.