Disclaimer: I own very little.
A/N: I asked in chat what I should write, and got requested by Kitty to write some MomoKai, with the prompt "10 things I hate about you". I struggled with it at first, but once I wrote a list of 10 things and started writing, it practically wrote itself.
My Behated
Almost everybody likes Momoshiro. He is open, happy, cheerful and honest. Even those who feel dislike for his habit of being loud and energetic can't help but forgive him for his friendliness. The younger students adore him, his peers want to be his friends, and the older students let him get away with things they wouldn't approve from others. Indeed, it seems there is almost nobody who isn't fond of him at least to some level.
Somewhat unsurprisingly, Kaidoh is the "almost".
The idiot is calling him Mamushi again. It's insufferable, really, how no matter how many times he tells the idiot not to call him that, the next moment the stupid name is back. Kaidoh would very much like to know just what part of him is like a snake. It's not like he calls the idiot a dog just because he's stupidly loyal and loud.
He's even tried ignoring him but it doesn't work either, just as futile as yelling and growling and punching, and won't the idiot ever learn. He probably knows there are few things Kaidoh likes less than being called that.
Then, one day, Momoshiro no more calls him Mamushi. Kaidoh isn't happy, though – instead, he's now become "Kaoru-chan". He shouldn't complain, really, since the idiot's finally doing as he's told him to, but he can't help but get even angrier. The moron has absolutely no right to call him by his first name, nobody but his family does, and what's with the "-chan" anyway?
They fight even more that day, and there isn't even a single "Mamushi", not until Eiji-senpai notices something's off. He looks at them, blue eyes wide with wonder and just a bit of teasing, and asks whether they've broken up now that Momo's given up on the pet name or gotten further in their relationship for the intimate form of address.
They stop fighting for long enough to both yell at the senpai, respect be damned, and after that Momoshiro calls him Mamushi again, and Kaidoh hates it but he doesn't hate it quite as much as not being called Mamushi.
Kaidoh hates the way Momoshiro laughs. It's too loud, for one thing, reaching every corner of the courts over the smallest of things like something Eiji-senpai said or Echizen's expression. The reason is never good enough, Kaidoh decides; nothing seems enough of a reason for that loud, overwhelming laughter that's impossible to ignore.
Of course others laugh too, Eiji-senpai especially, but it's never as loud and definitely not as irritating, and not for as stupid reasons even when they're laughing at the same thing as Momoshiro. Kaidoh could probably think more carefully about this but prefers not to, and then he's hissing and yelling again and inches away from punching the idiot's face in.
It annoys him when Momo laughs at Eiji-senpai's joke, and it especially annoys him when Momo laughs at him, like it were his fault the cute little kitty just walked to him like they were the best of friends. Then, however, Momo once laughs at something he says, and it's just as loud and annoying as ever, and the joke wasn't even a good one. Still, Kaidoh finds himself smiling and almost laughing too, except he doesn't because it's the idiot and he isn't amused by the same things as the idiot and damn it all.
It's loud and annoying and without a good reason, but for some reason it isn't too much so this time.
The way Momoshiro repeats everything is, in Kaidoh's not-so-humble opinion, one of the most annoying habits anybody could have. It's like the idiot loves the sound of his own voice so much that he has to say everything twice just to enjoy it some more. It's such an annoying voice, too, just as loud as his laughter, and always so cheerful except when they're fighting. The repeating definitely can't be because the idiot's worried that nobody heard him the first time, because there's no way anybody could not hear him, not when his voice is so loud and impossible to ignore. No matter where and when, it's always the idiot's voice Kaidoh hears best, drowning out any other voices even when he's not shouting and everybody else is.
It has never crossed Kaidoh's mind he might be the only one who's focused enough on the voice to always hear it over the others.
Whatever the reason, he hears the idiot very well as he walks to the court with his racquet to face his opponent. There's cheering for both sides, loud and enthusiastic and why won't they just shut up, but the idiot's not shouting for once and Kaidoh still hears him perfectly well even over all the fuss.
"Mamushi's going to win," Momoshiro says, and of course he has to repeat, he always repeats things like that and Kaidoh hates it, "Mamushi's totally going to win."
Kaidoh hisses and walks to the court, and there's his opponent, and for once he doesn't mind proving the idiot right. And the idiot's cheers are almost not too loud.
The Seigaku regulars are not exactly known for their sense of style when it comes to hair. Fuji-senpai, of course, looks good no matter what, but he is the sole exception. The others either pay no attention to their hair at all, or try to do something about it and end up looking absolutely idiotic – the idiot, of course, most of all.
Kaidoh simply doesn't understand why Momoshiro would voluntarily look so stupid. He must use half of his allowance on hair gel, and it's simply idiotic, and if he really must use so much time on his hair why not make it look at least halfway decent? But then, he is an idiot.
Kaidoh himself could care less about his hair. Of course he washes it because he's not a pig, and brushes it so it isn't messy, but he never tries to style it and it's under the bandana most of the time anyway. Nobody has yet complained about how lazy he is for this. Why then does the idiot use so much time on his hair?
The several training camps they've been at together do nothing to change Kaidoh's opinion, just like the locker room showers. Not only does he get to witness first hand just how much effort Momoshiro puts into making sure not a single hair is out of place, he also knows just how useless it is. The idiot's hair stands right up even without any work on his part. If it's the hair's natural way of being, why is there any need to reinforce the obviously idiotic look?
Although there is very little difference, the natural look doesn't look even half as bad as the gelled-up one. Not that Kaidoh would ever voluntarily say it aloud, of course. He just concentrates on hating the hair gel.
When Momoshiro doesn't laugh or talk, he is usually grinning. It is an idiotic grin, just like everything about him is idiotic. It is also triggered by the stupides of reasons, like getting an ace or making Kaidoh hiss. Kaidoh hates that grin. It seems to announce things like "I'm all good and nice and popular". It's a very friendly grin, too, which makes Kaidoh hate it even more. It pisses him off to no end that the idiot would grin at everybody else like they were the best of friends and then do his best to make Kaidoh mad. Of course he isn't jealous or anything; he just decides it's a very dishonest grin.
Momo's grinning before the match, too, a part friendly and part self-assured and part "I'm so great the sun shines out of my ass" grin. He grins at the rest of the team, and at their opponents, and then he suddenly turns and grins at Kaidoh.
"Let's beat those idiots, Mamushi," Momoshiro says, and there's a hint of danger in the grin there wasn't before. It isn't directed at Kaidoh, though, but at their opponents. For some reason, Kaidoh finds himself wanting to respond, but he doesn't do grins so he just hisses and nods determinedly.
After the match they win Momoshiro's grinning again at everyone, triumphant and oh so loud, and Kaidoh hates that grin and almost wants to punch him to make it disappear. Then Momo turns to him and winks, and says something like "You didn't mess up too badly, Mamushi," and Kaidoh decides it wouldn't be worth the laps and so he lets the grin stay for another while.
Momoshiro never just minds his own business.
Of course, part of the blame goes to Eiji-senpai, who really should remember curiousity killed the cat, and Inui-senpai who collects personal data and Kaidoh never understands why. Still, they never have to force or even ask Momo to accompany them when they go spying on their teammates. Why they would be interested in whatever Echizen's up to at a café with some first-year girl is beyond Kaidoh.
It's because he doesn't have a life, Kaidoh concludes. Eiji-senpai is just too nosy for his own good, but at least he's not lacking in romance as long as Oishi-senpai is around, although Kaidoh really prefers not to think about that. Inui-senpai is naturally just as obsessed with personal data as with any other kind, because he is Inui-senpai. Momoshiro, however, is only interested in the supposed "dates" of others because he doesn't have a love life of his own. This must be the reason.
Kaidoh hates this. Everybody should mind their own business and leave the others alone. He especially hates this when the nosiness is directed at him – his personal life is exactly that, personal.
This is why Kaidoh isn't sure even himself why he stays quiet the one time in the locker rooms as he's changing his clothes and hears somebody talking just outside the door. They are talking quite loudly, and they are talking about him. Two things he hates.
"Kaidoh spends an awful lot of time with Inui, ne, Momo?" Eiji-senpai's cheerful voice says. "Maybe we should spy on them some time, nyaa!"
The moron will agree, of course. He always agrees to things like this, and it pisses Kaidoh off, and –
"Nah, it wouldn't be worth it, Eiji-senpai, it wouldn't be worth it at all," Momo's voice replies. "Not even Inui-senpai could be interested in that nasty Mamushi. He's not quite that insane yet!"
Why is it, wonders Kaidoh, that the only thing more irritating than nosy Momoshiro is Momoshiro not being nosy?
The way Momoshiro behaves around Echizen is enfuriating.
Sure, they are friends of sorts, and Momo's friendly even with the people he doesn't particularly like. At least he never tries to hug Kaidoh like Eiji-senpai does, which is good because Kaidoh really would have to kill him if he did and the buchou'd get very angry. Momo hugs Echizen instead, hugs him and clings to him and talks to him too loudly. It's Echizen this and Echizen that and did you know Echizen, and there are rumours about the two that are getting increasingly more difficult to brush off as nonsense. Kaidoh is sure it isn't true, because if it were the idiot couldn't stay quiet about it.
But Momoshiro's attention is on Echizen, all the time, and it was Echizen who brought Momo back to practice when he disappeared, and Echizen Momo comes to school with and eats burgers with. Echizen is the only thing that seems to interest the idiot more than annoying Kaidoh, and although Kaidoh should be happy he finds himself being annoyed instead. Since when has the moron been the sole property of Echizen?
Echizen doesn't play doubles, though, and Momoshiro does sometimes, and when he does it's with Kaidoh. There's no Echizen then, only Mamushi this and Mamushi that, and they win this game too, and Kaidoh doesn't punch the idiot until they are off courts. When they've been pulled apart and are somewhat calm again, Momoshiro gives him an Echizen grin, but Echizen isn't there and Kaidoh is.
Sure, growing children are supposed to have an appetite, especially boys. However, Momoshiro surpasses in this respect everybody else Kaidoh knows. And, like most things about Momo, it pisses him off.
The idiot obviously has no respect of any kind for the food. As long as it fills his stomach it's good enough. It's almost painful, watching the moron wolf down even the finest of meals as though it were just yet another cheap burger like those he consumes by the dozen every day after practice. It's an insult to the food and the people preparing it, and the lack of respect makes Kaidoh seethe.
He's often tempted to teach the idiot, to drag him into the nearest kitchen and demonstrate just how much time and effort is put into the things he just swallows without another thought. However, Kaidoh knows it's no use. At best the idiot would just ignore the whole thing, and at worst he'd do something idiotic like commenting on how Kaidoh would make a fine housewife with those cooking skills of his. The inavoidable fight might lead to the prepared meal being destroyed, and then what would be the point?
It's shown once again as the team goes out to eat to celebrate yet another victory. The idiot is impatient for the food to arrive until Eiji-senpai asks whether he's going to eat the table. The moron says no, and then adds that the senpai is starting to look rather delicious instead and could he please have a bite.
Kaidoh doesn't remember ever before seeing Oishi-senpai as shocked. Nevertheless, it's not the senpai but him who punches the idiot and tells him to shut the fuck up. As Eiji-senpai giggles and then clings to Oishi-senpai, Kaidoh realises the vice-captain doesn't even scold him for the violent act.
That doesn't matter, though. What matters is that the idiot's quiet for a while and eats at a decent pace and doesn't look at Eiji-senpai again.
The idiot is too reckless for his own good.
Of course, Kaidoh isn't exactly free of blame in this regard, either. Playing despite getting injured is a natural way of action rather than a choice to him. Nevertheless, seeing Momoshiro doing things he wouldn't think twice about himself makes him really angry for some reason he'd rather not identify.
That's why he's yelling now, swearing loudly and cursing Momoshiro's idiocy for doing something so stupid. Lying about an injury is idiotic, he hears himself declaring, and sure Momoshiro won but the moron should have rather forfeited right after he hit his head if he was going to pass out anyway as soon as the match was over. The others agree with him but none as loudly, letting him take care of the yelling for the whole team.
It's Fuji-senpai who finally says maybe it's enough already, but Kaidoh ignores him, goes on and on until finally Momoshiro speaks. It's enough to make him shut up, then, the comment on how he's almost cute when he's so worried. Eiji-senpai laughs and Kaidoh flushes, and then he hits the idiot since he's obviously all right enough for a little fight if he can be such a moron.
Although there are many things about Momoshiro Kaidoh hates, the one he hates the most is how the idiot always understands everything wrong. Some of it is on purpose, the moron intentionally misunderstanding everything he says to piss him off, which only makes Kaidoh hate him even more. Sometimes, though, it is just the idiot being an idiot, taking an offhand comment as an insult and an attempt at a truce as an invitation to yet another fight. This makes Kaidoh more angry than anything, how even when he doesn't want to fight it's Mamushi Mamushi over and over and suddenly they're in trouble again.
It's not like he cares, of course, but Kaidoh can't help but wonder just how much the idiot must hate him to always take everything in the worst way possible. It's okay, though, since he hates the idiot right back, he only plays doubles with the moron because he has to and beyond that they are rivals, enemies, they hate each other period.
Thus it comes as something of a surprise as the moron corners him one day after the practice, looking like he has something to say. Kaidoh hisses but doesn't try to leave, waiting.
"What's your problem with me, Mamushi?" asks Momoshiro. "What is it about me you hate so much?"
The question comes as a surprise, and for a moment Kaidoh is silent. Then he makes a strange sound, half a hiss half a chuckle, and says, "Idiot."
Momoshiro gets mad then, stepping forward and grasping on his shirt, pulling until their faces are only inches apart. "It was a serious question, Mamushi," he shouts, "and I want a damn serious answer!"
Kaidoh doesn't get mad, oddly enough, doesn't hiss or yell or swear. He just looks Momoshiro in the eye – what kind of an idiot has purple eyes anyway? – and says, "I hate everything about you." This almost makes Momo yell again, but Kaidoh continues before he gets a single word out. "I hate how you laugh and I hate how you grin. I hate how you are loyal like some stupid dog and I hate your idiotic power tennis and stupid smash. I hate it when you call me Mamushi and I hate it when you don't, and I hate how you won't give up and how you only get stronger when you lose. I hate your stupid face and stupid hair and stupid name and I especially hate how you hate me."
Momoshiro seems less mad now, somewhat surprised maybe. Then, however, he grins, and Kaidoh doesn't hate it. "I hate everything about you, too." There's no list this time, no complaints on just what things about Kaidoh make him worth hating. Instead there is a pair of lips on his own, warm and dry and has the idiot never heard of lip balm, and then it's too late to wonder anymore. There's a hand in his hair and the bandanna is taken off but he doesn't mind, and there's no might in the world that could make him stick his fingers into that hair with all the gel so his hands end up at the idiot's waist instead.
They pull apart after a while, and the idiot's wearing that stupid grin again, and he says, "I hate you, Mamushi."
Kaidoh hisses something that could be "Idiot" or "I hate you too," or something entirely else, and decides that maybe the idiot actually understands something every once in a while.