Your Stupid Hat

Disclaimer: Zelda… characters… not… mine… mmph…

Dangling and swinging back and forth with each step he took, Link's hat danced with a simple rhythm that was almost hypnotic.

Hypnotic to a certain Twili imp girl…

Midna had started to watch the hat intentively during some random moment when she was bored hiding in Link's shadow and a tad bit tired of gazing up his skirt or, as the boy put it to defend his masculinity, tunic. It still looked like a short skirt to Midna, but that's another story. Link's odd hat was what she was concerned with at the moment and nothing more.

First off, what kind of hat is it exactly? It was just a… tail of sorts that would sit on your head, a tail that would swing with every step and hypnotize anyone with enough ADD to forget that you were surrounded by Wolfos. Which was the case at one time or another, Link would bust his butt fighting tirelessly as Midna watched the hat dance around wildly to accommodate his swordplay.

That brought about another question, how in Din's name did that thing stay on his head? That tail thing had to be heavy in the fabric's weight and unless Link's head is made of Velcro, there is no way that weird excuse for a hat could stay on his blonde head! Maybe Link picked up a little of Midna's Twili magic? Wait, how would her magic help? She had trouble enough keeping her relic of a head piece set on her own head. God, how heavy that was.

As night fell, Link had set up a little makeshift camp to get some well deserved rest and relaxation before some Poe wanders by to wreak some havoc. It didn't take him long to fall asleep, in fact, he was down and out as soon as he sat down. That's right; he didn't even wait to actually lie down.

When she was sure the boy was asleep, Midna escaped from his shadow quietly and smoothly without disturbing him. She stretched her stiff body for a moment, letting her joints cry out in detest for sudden movement. Hey, it's pretty cramped in Link's shadow, it's not like he's fat to give off a spacious shadow.

"I'll need to look for a new home." She grunted as she cracked her back. Turning to the sleeping boy in green, she watched Link in his peaceful reverie. "All that we've been through, he still manages to sleep like a Light dwelling baby." Normally, she would be disgusted with such a cute sight, but it was Link in this case, so that won points from her.

Tiptoeing stealthily towards the wolf-boy, Midna stalked her prey much like how Link stalked steak when he was a wolf. Why she didn't just fly was beyond efficient thinking, but certain things held more importance that efficiency.

Namely, Link's hat.

As she neared Link's head, Midna had shifted onto her hands and knees, crawling slowly towards the sleeping boy. Midna did find herself admiring the boy as she crawled closer. If all Light dwellers were like him, then maybe she would have respect for this realm. But no, Link was one of a kind, a shining gem in this world. She paused for a second to watch his chest rise and fall with every soft breath he took. Midna glanced up to his face, noticing that he was just completely peaceful, so serene.

Shaking her head violently, Midna snapped out of her trance. "Business before pleasure Midna." Crawling slowly to him, Link's hat was almost within her reach. "Gimme that hat you little…" Leaning carefully over Link's head, Midna carefully grasped the hem of the strange hat.

But there was a problem, balance. Feeling her knees weaken, Midna stumbled over briefly before catching herself with one hand. She barely hovered over Link's face, with maybe a millimeter or two between her chest and his face. Midna had to let out a sigh of relief as she barely came crashing down upon his face. Now, any sane person would wonder why she didn't just fly to grab his hat, but this is Midna so that was a moot point.

Link let out a soft sigh that sent shivers through the Twili's body. "Crap… arms… giving… out!" Midna fought hard against the waning strength in her small body, but the closeness of being near Link helped in absolutely no way. The heat emanating from his body started to melt what little strength was left in her frame and his breathing expelling from his orifices was aimed straight into her armpit. The ticklish sensation his exhales created in the small crevice began to break her solidly placed arm. This wouldn't end well.

Midna twisted herself to find better footing for her thieving operation. Taking a risk, she lifted her tickling arm around and placed it on the other side of Link's head. So now he was breathing down her neck, better than the armpit but it didn't help Midna any to still be intimately close to the farm boy. Lifting a leg, she swung it over Link's abdomen in an attempt to find footing on the opposite side. She fumbled for ground only to realize her body, let alone her legs, weren't proportionate enough to complete this game of Twister without actually touching Link.

"Crap!" She hissed under her breath. So close and yet so far away from that infernal hat, why did fate play out like this?

Sighing, Midna realized she'll have to sit on Link for this to work. This had to be done with expert precision, if she failed, the whole mission would be compromised and the fate of the world would be lost to evil.

Or she just wouldn't get the damn hat.

Slowly and gently, Midna carefully sat on his stomach. Link let out a slight grunt but still remained in his dreamland. Step one has been completed safely. Leaning forward, Midna attempted a second reach for his hat. As she leaned, she realized this position wasn't any safer than her previous one, possibly quite worse.

Both of their faces were closer than ever before. In fact, their noses literally brushed against each other. This new closeness made Midna feel weaker than ever, every fiber in her body began a countdown to self-destruction, ready to ruin everything she strived for.

"N-no, not now!" She grunted as she fought her surrendering body. "Need… the hat!"

With one hand, Midna made a desperate reach for the hat. Now would be another sane person moment in questioning why she wouldn't use her hand hair, but Midna's mind was only filled with hats and giddy schoolgirl thoughts fighting with each other. Link let out another sigh that struck her weakened body and cutting her countdown shorter. Gritting her teeth, Midna pushed herself to hang in there until the end. Her tiny hand was clasped around the hat's tail and slowly pulled it from his head.

Excitement of victory coursed through her body which incited riskier movements. Midna started to pull more aggressively until she was ready to yank if straight off. Time was running out and her body was ready to give out. With one final desperate move, she yanked the hat off his head…

And lost her balance.

Thankfully, she caught balance again, with the aid of her mouth. In a standard anime cliché, her lips found footing amongst Link's own lips. Call it a lucky kiss, for the fact she didn't completely fall on him, wake him, and that her inner fangirl was going absolutely insane with giddy joy.

Too weak and/or unwilling to break it, Midna relaxed herself and laid upon Link's chest gently, still not waking the blonde lunkhead. Her eyes trailed off to her hand holding her trophy from the mission's apparent success. Grinning into the kiss, Midna took the hat and placed it upon her own head. Reluctantly, she broke from Link as she adjusted it so it would rest perfectly upon her thickheaded fangirl skull. Beaming with joy, Midna hugged the hat's tail tightly, sniffing the traces of his scent upon it.

Her eyes trailed back to the hatless Link and shot straight to his hair. "Nice hat hair wolf-boy." She snickered as a smirk crossed her lips. His hair was indeed a mess, it looked like a Chu after Link had filleted it with his sword. Maybe that's how the hat stayed on his head, hair locking technology…

Midna leaned back down for one last victory kiss to mark her conquest. Slipping out of it, she laid down on his chest and let out a relieved sigh. Playing with the hat's tail, Midna mused on future plans for a new conquest.

"What else can I swipe from him?" Midna lazily scanned Link's body for a new item to take. "Hmm… maybe I can take the skirt next."

"Mmmh… it's a… tunic…" Link murmured in his sleep. Midna let out a tiny yip before she realized that the boy was still sleeping.

"Hmm… programmed response." Midna chuckled lightly before resting her head on his chest. She listened to the dull beating of Link's heart, letting the simple rhythm lull her to sleep. "Yeah… I'm… taking the… skirt…"

"Tuuuu… niiic…"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh! Mornin' Midn-huh?" Link was in mid-stretch when he noticed a little Twili girl sleeping peacefully on his chest… wearing his hat. Letting out an amused huff, Link patted Midna's head gently. "I'm gonna need that back." As he tried to retrieve his hat, Midna snapped awake and tweaked out violently.

"WHO DARES TOUCHETH THE SACRED CROWN OF THE TWILI PRINCESS!?!? THE OFFENDER SHALL PAY WITH HIS BLOOD AND SUFFER AN ENTERNAL TORRENT OF PURE PAIN BLEEDING INTO YOUR ARTERIES AS YOU WATCH THE FINAL EPISODES OF EVANGELION!!!" As Midna snapped out of her tweak-fest, she noticed Link cowering in fear by a tree. "Oh… mornin' Linky!"

-Fin-

Author's Note: If you seen the fanart pic of Midna hugging Link's hat, you now know where this little drabble came from.