Summary: Axel and the other members of the Organization XIII teaches Roxas about the birds and the bees.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.
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Roxas Gets THE TALK
"See Roxas," Axel began, "Sex is like Struggle ..."
"Why is he comparing it to that bloody sport?" Luxord whispered to Demyx as they both play poker nearby.
Ignoring The Gambler of Fate's comment, Axel continues his lecture to Roxas.
"Sometimes you score, sometimes you don't."
"And Axel didn't most of the time. With sex that is," Demyx grinned. "Come to think of it, he didn't really with Struggle either ..."
Axel turned red and faced the Melodious Nocturne.
"Now wait just a minute, I scored more than you did!"
"Really?" Roxas asked.
"Uh, no... I mean yes! I mean… argh! Ignore him, Roxas!" Axel sputtered slightly.
"You're not doing a good job, aren't you?" Luxord asked, gathering his winnings while
Demyx pouted across him.
"Hey, gimme a break! It's not every day I give someone 'the talk'!" Axel complained.
"Excuse me?" Marluxia's head pops from doorway. "Do my ears deceive me? You're giving someone 'the talk', Axel?"
"Back off, pink-haired prissy," Axel warned him. "It's between me and Roxas. Got it memorized?"
The Graceful Assassin smirked. "I'm hurt; you cut me deep. Don't you think our little boy Roxy wants to know a bit more about the bird and the bees from other people?"
Axel was about to say something rude but Roxas cuts him off.
"Give him a chance, Axel. I would like to know what he says on the subject," the blonde said.
Axel looks uncertain but he nods approvingly. Demyx and Luxord watch nearby.
"I'll let you know that I'm an expert on this 'subject'," Marluxia tells Roxas.
"Oh, an expert, eh?" Axel muttered.
"You see, Roxy," Number XI began, "sex is like Mathematics… you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and expect to MULTIPLY! You can ask the women I did with."
The whole room fell silent.
"… You gotta be kidding me…" Demyx spoke up, looking aghast.
"You mean Marluxia's actually STRAIGHT?!" Axel gasped, clearly shocked.
"I knew it! Pay up." Demyx hands a couple of bills to a grinning Luxord.
"What the fu--?!" Marluxia hissed.
"Well, considering that you have pink hair, I thought for sure you like men," Axel smirked.
"I'M NOT GAY! At least I don't hang out with younger boys."
"And what is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I'm not the only one suspected of being homosexual."
"Lies! You take that back!"
"You take that back about me being gay!"
"Over my dead body."
"It's on, porcupine."
"Bring it, Girly Ass-sissy."
"Hold on a second!" Roxas yelled when the Girly Ass-sissy-- I mean, Graceful Assasssin and the Flurry of Dancing Flames took out their weapons to kick each other's butts. Both men stopped but they could not help but give each other dirty looks.
"I just want to know what the heck 'sex' is!" Roxas said.
"Oh, I can tell you that," Larxene suddenly appeared next to Luxord.
Demyx became startled by her sudden presence. "What are you doing here?"
"I live here, you morons," she glared at him.
"Oh, yeah…"
Larxene strolls over to Roxas. "You see, Roxas…"
"If it involves leather straps and whips, forget it, Larxene," Axel said.
Larxene growls at him.
"Hey, Demyx, I don't see you giving your share for the talk," Axel turns to Demyx.
Demyx blushed, "Uh, well… the thing is… Topics like make me nervous."
"Come on, Demyx, be a sport."
The Melodious Nocturne gulps nervously and he turns to Roxas, sweat pouring down his forehead, "You see… when a man and woman love each other… they have an urge to… uh… you see the man… they… removing… c-c-condo… big jugs… hot niiiiights... mommy… I can't do it!!!" The poor Nobody falls into a fetal position and began sucking his thumb with embarrassment.
Just then, Xigbar enters the room.
"Wazzup, dudes?" The Freeshooter greeted them.
"I want to know what 'sex' is, but frankly I'm not getting right answers," Roxas told him.
"Well, you're in luck! I happen to be an expert about it!" Xigbar declared.
"Oh, no… him too?" Demyx groaned, after getting over his embarrassment.
"No wonder he's called 'Bigrax'," Luxord whispered thoughfully.
"What?" Xigbar turns to Luxord, who shook his head and saying, "Never mind."
Then the one-eyed Nobody turns to Roxas. "The best way to explain it is to SHOW it."
"Oh, my god, you're not gonna ask one of us to do it with you?" Marluxia looks horrified.
"Not that way, you idiots… This way." Xigbar takes out a Barbie doll and a look-alike doll of himself. As he lectures to Roxas, he made the two dolls move in different positions what couples would like to do, and included sounds for the 'action'. Roxas and Axel both looked disgusted and they blushed slightly; Marluxia turns hopefully to Larxene, who winks at him, as if she's saying, "I'll see you tonight."; Demyx looks as if he is gonna vomit, while Luxord just raised an eyebrow.
"Ooh, Xiggy, you're an animal! Be gentle!" Xigbar provided a small girlish voice for the Barbie doll. Then the Freeshooter added a deep voice for his look-alike doll, "I know you like it, babe!"
"Xigbar!! We're supposed to teach Roxas, not traumatize him!" Axel shouted.
"Aw, but I was getting to the good part!"
Roxas, trembling with disgust and shock, is on the verge of sucking his thumb when Luxord spoke up, "It appears, I shall be the one explaining here."
"What are you gonna do, use your cards as an example?" Marluxia sneers.
"Nope." Luxord walks over to Roxas, and whispers something in his ear.
Roxas listens, then his eyes widen, blushed again, and his jaw dropped. The others try to listen what the Gambler of Fate is saying, but by the time Luxord is finished, Roxas looks awestrucked and dumbfounded. His eye was twitching. Then he did something he has never done before: he fainted.
"What did you tell him?" Axel asked Luxord.
"Oh, something he'll never forget," he said, smirking. "He won't be looking at you the same way anymore."
"What do you mean he won't look at me the same way? Hey, come back here! What did you say to Roxas? Luxord!"
Fin.
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My first Kingdom Hearts fanfic. Please don't flame me and leave a review after reading this.