Inspired by a recent viewing of episode 4x23 - Shock. Every time I've seen that episode (which is a lot, considering A&E, lol), I've always thought Calleigh's smile looked a little fake at the end in the scene with Horatio. So this is my reasoning. Obviously, contains spoilers for Shock, as well as mentions of 3x01 - Lost Son. Nothing recognizable belongs to me.
Never before had the sidewalk felt a million miles long.
But then again, never before had Calleigh walked that pathway, carrying a bottle of champagne, the parting gift to her heart. Her heart, which belonged to him, who belonged to another. She would never get it back, and, after today, she knew she would never get him back either.
Letting him go was something she'd been trying to do for a year and a half. Before then, there had always been hope. There had always been that small part of her that held on, refusing to let go.
Before then, letting Horatio go was the most ridiculous notion anyone could have ever suggested to her; had anybody ever known she was in love with him, of course.
But there was one night that changed everything. One night that shattered every dream she'd ever entertained of the two of them together. It was bittersweet; she'd gotten that which she'd so desperately wanted, but it all slipped from her grasp before she could even get a firm hold on it.
She'd shown up at his door one night, soaked to the bone from the chilling rain. Without a second thought, he'd ushered her into the warmth of his home, caringly draping a soft blanket about her shoulders before immediately starting a fresh pot of coffee.
Coffee, with extra sugar. Just for her; just the way he knew she liked it.
Never once did he question why she was there. He just seemed to know, without her ever saying a word.
She'd gone to him because she knew the exact same thing was bothering him. She'd gone to him, because she couldn't go to anyone else. Eric just didn't want to talk about it. Ryan wouldn't understand. But Horatio…he'd been there.
He'd been right there when Speedle was killed.
He would understand the inexplicable feeling of guilt she'd steadily taken on in the past few weeks, even if Calleigh herself didn't quite understand it.
And understand it she didn't. Deep inside her mind, Calleigh knew that there wasn't a thing she could've done. Yet, the guilt had begun gnawing at her the moment she opened Tim's weapon. She'd let it gnaw at her for weeks before it finally became too much.
And thus, there she was, sitting on Horatio's couch, a warm mug of coffee in her freezing hands, and Horatio beside her, regarding her with those penetrating yet kind blue eyes of his.
"Twice, he didn't clean his gun. Twice, his gun failed him." Calleigh paused, staring down into her mug. It shook lightly in her hands, causing the liquid within to swirl, slight ripples forming along the surface. "It was his gun. And I…I'm supposed to be the ballistics expert. I should've seen it coming."
Horatio exhaled deeply, knowing exactly where Calleigh was at right now. He himself had been in that very place since that day at the jewelry store, though he'd been dealing with it. He knew the day's events had been out of his hands. It still didn't feel right to acknowledge that, but it was the truth.
Slowly he moved closer to her, gently taking the mug of coffee from her hands and setting it on the table before them. If there was anything he knew about Calleigh, it was that she didn't fall apart, not in the visible sense, at least. She didn't break down, she didn't cry. She didn't put forth any physical sign that she was fighting an emotional war within.
But despite the strength of her countenance, Horatio knew better. Calleigh was falling apart. She was running out of strength.
Reaching out to her, he softly brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, watching her eyes flutter closed at that slight touch. He murmured her name, opening his arms to her. "Come 'ere," he pleaded gently.
Only for a moment did Calleigh hesitate. Once she turned her head, her uncertain eyes locking with his warm, caring gaze, she couldn't resist the comfort she knew she'd find in his arms, having already found it once before.
She gave a sigh as she felt his arms envelope her, and her own arms snaked their way around his neck, holding onto him. Her forehead came to rest against his shoulder, and her eyes closed once more as the scent of his aftershave tickled her senses. "I just wish there was something I could've done," she murmured against his shoulder.
Horatio turned his head slightly, breathing her in. The dampness of her hair seemed to intensify the already intoxicating scent of her shampoo, and it was all he could do not to lose himself in it. "I know, Cal. We all do…" he murmured, holding her tightly. Ever so lightly, his fingers began tracing soothing circles over her back.
A shiver raced through Calleigh's body, this time not caused by the cold, but by Horatio. His touch, his scent, the feel of his ginger hair between her fingers - she hadn't even realized her fingers were in his hair. Her heart raced in her chest and, suddenly, she was dizzy. For years she'd worked beside Horatio; for years she'd felt comfortable enough to openly flirt with him, secretly hoping one day to find herself in his arms.
Years upon years of suppressed feelings bubbled their way to the surface, coaxed out by the gentle cadence of his fingers over her back, chasing away the fears, the guilt that had brought her here in the first place. In his arms, Calleigh felt calm, save for the pounding of her heart. Cautiously she shifted in his arms, burying her face against his neck. His name left her lips on a whisper, her warm breath tickling at his skin and setting his own senses on alert. Merely a second later, he felt it; the same quick jolt that had shot through his heart the first time he'd ever seen her, so long ago. Horatio felt it again, just as the softness of her lips touched his skin.
If there was anything that Calleigh would never forget about that night, it was the look in his eyes as he pulled back from her. It was the way his hand came up, softly caressing her cheek. It was the way he murmured her name; the soft, tender rumble of his voice as it left his lips. "Calleigh…sweetheart…"
She would never remember who moved first, though she assumed it was Horatio, because as far as Calleigh could remember, she had been frozen to the spot under his intense gaze.
It all became a blur to her the moment his lips touched her own. It was then that Calleigh stopped seeing, and began simply feeling. The images would probably never come back to her in their entirety, but Calleigh had the feelings. The way she felt herself melt even more at each subsequent kiss; the way her skin tingled everywhere he touched; the way he so tenderly lay her down on his bed - when had they gotten there? Calleigh couldn't remember, but as he kissed her again, she found there wasn't much she could remember anyway.
She'd dreamed about that moment since she'd met Horatio. But as she would discover, it wasn't meant to be. The magic of the moment didn't even wait until the morning to fade.
Looking back, for all she knew, Horatio may have merely been lonely. True, Calleigh had been as well. They were both lonely.
But Calleigh…her actions that night had not come from that loneliness. No, her actions had been straight from her heart. Her heart, which he'd unwittingly stolen the first time he'd smiled at her, his blue eyes sparkling invitingly. In the past, Calleigh had always prided herself on guarding her heart. It kept her from quite a few serious heartbreaks, the fact that she had never willingly given her heart away.
And Horatio was no exception to that either. No, he'd stolen it from her, and by the time she realized it, it was too late to get it back. She was already too far in love with the man.
Too far indeed.
As he broke that very last feverish kiss, one of the first, yet still the last they would ever share, Calleigh's eyes fluttered open. But what she saw in his eyes made her wished she'd kept hers closed.
It was there, plain as day. Calleigh couldn't find the strength to look away. As she watched those brilliant blue eyes fill with regret, she felt her heart shatter into pieces.
It was the memory that struck her, once again, as she scribbled out a generic congratulations on the card she would later present to him, along with the bottle of champagne. The good wishes felt foreign to her, but nothing about it stung quite as much as the closing.
Ryan might've simply called it friendliness on her part. But it was with nothing but pure heartbreak that Calleigh added his name to that card.
She had to. Once she'd signed it, the sheer bluntness of those two simple, blue words stood out against the stark white background of the card. They hurt her eyes; they stung her heart.
They stung because they were true. Instinctively she'd signed the card with a Love, Calleigh; but now she wished she'd thought first. She couldn't even look down at the card without feeling her heart break even more. She certainly couldn't seal it in an envelope and give it to him today, his wedding day.
Calleigh had once daydreamed about this day. Only, in her daydreams, it was her that got to share this day with him. Not Marisol. Not her best friend's sister. Not someone that Horatio seemed to have only just met. Calleigh had known him for ten years; she'd been in love with him for ten years. It should be her in the white dress. It should be her with the ring, exchanging the vows, sharing that kiss…
But it wasn't. Once more, she was left on the outside. She was always the one on the outside.
Not knowing what else to do, Calleigh added Ryan's name to the card, hoping to buffer the effect on her own heart.
In that moment, it had helped. But there was no buffer that could shelter Calleigh's heart from the man at the end of the sidewalk, now just mere feet away from her. Why had she offered to present his gift to him?
Oh yeah, because Eric was still a little more than bitter. And Ryan had merely lent his name, albeit without knowing. And, overall, Calleigh had known Horatio the longest. She knew him better than anybody.
They'd once been closer than anyone else, too.
Suddenly, there was nowhere else to walk. She'd reached her destination, and his eyes were expectantly locked with hers. With a deep breath, Calleigh steadied herself, forcing what she hoped was a cheerful smile.
"We all pitched in," Calleigh said, getting straight to the point and handing him the champagne. She wished nothing more than for him to turn it down, to tell her this wedding was all a joke. But that was all it was; a wish. Not reality. Never reality.
As he took the bottle from her, his fingers lightly grazed hers, and Calleigh's breath caught in her throat. His touch still sent her heart racing. But it was only fleeting; after less than a second it was gone, leaving Calleigh feeling empty all over again.
He lowered his eyes, examining the bottle. "Wow. This is a good year, too," he said, his eyes sparkling.
It ripped the last pieces of her heart into shreds to reply, but Calleigh knew she couldn't just stand there. It was part of moving on; part of letting go. "We hope you have a lot more to come," she said quietly, forcing a smile. Unlike the smile, the words came almost effortlessly. Hours of practice, hours of searching for just the right words had paid off, and those words left her mouth just as though she were reading them straight from a script.
But while they were easily spoken, Calleigh couldn't deny that they were no truer than her customary, rehearsed answer of "I'm fine."
Resolutely she swallowed the growing lump in her throat, hoping against hope that she sounded more honest than she felt. "Congratulations."
Horatio regarded her carefully, reading beyond her smile. She wasn't happy. She hadn't been happy for quite some time. Horatio hadn't seen a genuine smile on her face since…
He knew exactly when the last time she'd given him a genuine smile was. It had been that night. The night that Horatio spent every day trying to ignore, trying to let go. He had to, for both of their sakes.
It was a mistake, he firmly told himself. It could've cost both your careers.
He lowered his eyes once more to the bottle in his hand, pushing that night from his mind as he let his thoughts wander to the nights ahead, as well as, hopefully, the years to come. Slowly, a smile began to form on his lips, and he gave a slight chuckle. It still hadn't fully sunk in - he was getting married.
Looking back to Calleigh, Horatio gave her a grateful nod. "Thanks, pal," he said, the sincerity prominent in his voice, in his smile.
Calleigh struggled to keep her own smile from fading. This was absolutely killing her. She wanted nothing more than for him to reach out to her, to offer a friendly embrace. Oh, to be locked in his arms just one more time…
The only thing that kept her from breaking was seeing the smile on Horatio's lips. How long had it been since she'd seen him smile? How long had it been since she'd actually spoken to him? It felt like years to Calleigh. She hated the distance he'd placed between them since that one night.
And there was nothing she missed like that smile. That smile had always sent shivers down her spine, no matter what the circumstance. Even now, when it wasn't even for her anymore.
Oh, who was she kidding? That smile had never been for her. Never had been, and never would be.
Calleigh lowered her eyes, directing her smile to the ground so Horatio wouldn't see just how fake it was. "Well, I guess you've got a wedding to get to, huh?"
It was the first time during the exchange that Calleigh's pain had shown through so clearly. Horatio could tell she was bothered, but not just how badly she was hurt, until now. But at this point, there was nothing he could do. Calleigh was right. He did have a wedding to get to.
Not knowing what else to do, Horatio said nothing.
"Congratulations," Calleigh said once more, her eyes only briefly meeting his. She made herself stay until he nodded in acknowledgement. Only then did she allow herself to turn away and begin the long walk back up the sidewalk.
And never once did she look back. It was part of walking away; having the strength not to look back.
But if she had looked back, Calleigh would've seen the sheer longing that resided in Horatio's eyes as she walked away from him.
It would forever be the same longing that Calleigh held inside her very heart.