The French Man With A Russian Accent

By Headwater Daddy

I'm finally home from three weeks in Adirondacks, so I'm going to try to get into a more regular writing pattern. Sorry for the long wait. Anyway, here's chapter two. Read and review, please!

And don't take offense at anything offensive in here, I don't actually mean anything offensive written in this story. This is pure fiction.

Chapter 2

A New Conflict Arises

Sonic and Eggman turned around to see a shady-looking man, with a mustache that twitched in the sunlight. He very much resembled a stork. He walked very casually, with a cane and a top hat. He was grinning slyly at everyone, and by the sheer looks on their faces, Sonic and Eggman were absolutely terrified.

"Allow me to introduce myself!" began the man. "My name is Pierre Valivov, and I am the one hosting this event! You will all be staying in my luxurious mansion, the best in all of the area!"

"It seems it's also the only one in the area…" mumbled Tails unenthusiastically. Pierre turned and looked at him scornfully.

"And you were saying?" asked Pierre. Tails, full of contempt for Pierre's condescending manner, said,

"WHAT!"

"Let me ask you a question!" spat Pierre vigorously, and he laughed boisterously and said nothing. Tails looked highly perplexed.

"What's the question?" questioned Knuckles, who was counting the number of Cubans in his glove compartment. Pierre turned his attention to Knuckles' glove compartment just as he slipped the Cubans back in it.

"I'll be the one asking questions here!" said Pierre firmly. "So, what do we have here?" he said as he started rummaging through Knuckles' so-called "glove compartments". "AHAH!" he hollered triumphantly. "This delirious mother knuckle's been smoking cigars. And they're CUBAN!" Pierre looked furious. "THOSE DAMN CUBANS! What do you have to say for yourself boy!" everyone was silent, eyes fixed on Knuckles.

"I…uh…I was going to try and burn incense with the cigars!" said Knuckles very cautiously, so Pierre would not burst into a rage.

"Very well then. But I'll have you know that if you ever try and smuggle anything like that over here again, I'll be so 'incensed' that you'll be looking dilapidated in no time!" Pierre's menacing eyes turned to Tails, who was in a fit of laugher. "What are you laughing at, fox boy?"

"Uh… I was commenting on your genuine Russian accent, and the fact that you look more like a French person than a Russian person!" Everyone stared at Tails in awe, perplexed at his obscure comment.

"Yeah! He has a point!" objected Shadow. "You can't be French and have a Russian accent! That's downright inconceivable!" Shadow suddenly regretted even speaking as Pierre pulled a gun out of his pocket.

"HEY! I make the rules around here, and I say it's conceivable! You don't like it, then you can make like a tree and LEAVE! L, E, A, uh, V, E!" With that, Pierre walked to the mansion. "Yeah, you guys better get in the house, or else the storm will, um, get you!" Everyone stared at him. "What? GET IN THE DAMN HOUSE OR I'LL PUNT YOUR BELONGINGS IN THE WATER!" Everyone darted for their bags, but due to Eggman's immense obesity, he could not make it in time.

Pierre picked up Eggman's jumbo suitcase, which he immediately dropped it due to its weight. A large number of cries was heard as he dropped it. "What kind of toaster oven is this?" questioned Pierre, opening the suitcase.

"NO! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!" shouted Eggman as he sat back down in a lawn chair and relaxed while slurping on a tropical Sunday dinner. Suddenly, Eggman found himself nearly choking on his submerged steak as he saw Pierre pulling cats out from the suitcase.

"What kind of toaster oven is this? A cat-torturing toaster oven?" Pierre shook his head shamefully. "You naughty little man!"

"HOW DID THOSE GET IN THERE!" shouted Eggman, walking toward Pierre domineeringly. Pierre shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know. It wasn't me, hehehe…!" Pierre smiled sinisterly. Eggman was enraged.

"IF THOSE CATS ARE IN THERE, WHERE'S MY CLOTHES!" he screamed as Pierre pointed toward a raft in the ocean. Sure enough, Eggman's clothes were messily laid out on the raft, which was out quite a distance from shore. Eggman stared at the raft, immensely aghast.

"YOU WOULDN'T DARE!" hollered Eggman, trying to think of a plan.

"You should have said that before your clothes…err…accidentally got on to that raft, somehow!" said Pierre, taking out his cell phone. He pushed a button and a huge bolt of lightning struck the lightning rod that popped out of the raft. It sunk like a rock, to Eggman's horror.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed in agony, as rain began pouring on them, along with large gusts of wind.

"Oops, I must have accidentally pressed the hurricane button. Silly me!" sneered Pierre, putting his cell phone away and taking out a remote control. As Pierre began using it, the hurricane began maneuvering in the direction the remote control pointed in. By now, Eggman and Pierre were both drenched in water. Suddenly, multiple cat cries were heard coming from Eggman's open suitcase.

"Oh, hell!" cried Eggman, flailing his arms in the air. In the process, Eggman hit Pierre's hand, knocking the remote out of his hands.

"You simpleton!" smirked Pierre. "You've decimated my strategy, you cat swindler!" With that, Pierre Valivov swaggered towards the mansion. Eggman was infuriated and dumbfounded by Pierre's arrogant, savage-like behavior.

"GET BACK HERE YOU IMPUDENT RASCAL!" screamed Eggman at the top of his lungs, slipping a dictionary in his pocket and frantically searching for a way to deactivate the remote-controlled hurricane. Pierre looked back at Eggman.

"Where did you learn all those words, the dictionary?" questioned Pierre, laughing raucously at Eggman's stupidity.

"I'M GOING TO EFFING KILL YOU WHEN I GET THE CHANCE, YOU FILTHY FOREIGNER!" hollered Eggman, running full-throttle at Pierre. Pierre suddenly felt a bolt of racial and ethnic pride surge through his body as a bolt of lightning whizzed right past his quadriceps femoris muscle.

"You Americans speak such nonsense!" said Pierre in French, slurring the words with an authentic Russian accent. Eggman was baffled by the incomprehensible gobbledygook spewing from Pierre's mouth. He covered his ears out of irritation.

"TOO MANY FOREIGNERS! I'M A MINORITY IN MY OWN COUNTRY!" howled Eggman, rubbing the rain off his face. "FRANCE, RUSSIA, WHAT'S NEXT? MEXICO?" Pierre was unprepared for such a verbal assault from the imbecile of the group. Suddenly, a flash of lightning struck the surrounding ocean and destroyed the remote for the hurricane. The hurricane immediately halted and fell into the water and sunk, creating a mediocre splash in the water.

"Stupid counterfeit hurricanes…" mumbled Pierre, sounding irritated. "I'm going in!" and with that, he trotted towards the gargantuan mansion.

"HEY! WHAT ABOUT THOSE CATS!" shrieked Eggman, pointing to a bunch of cats that were soaked and frantically trying to find a spot to dry themselves off. "AND WHAT ABOUT MY CLOTHES!!!" he yelled, alerting the other guys in the house. Pierre smirked sinisterly.

"Bah, those cats are obsolete! I'll just have to get some new ones!" he picked up one of the cats and punted it into the lake. With a loud cry, it was gone. Pierre cackled evilly. Eggman was enraged by Pierre's immoral decision. "Ah, yes. Your clothes. Hmm…AHA! I remember now!" Pierre, for some reason, reached into his pocket and pulled out a bouncy ball, which he threw into the water. Eggman was very confused.

"What was the purpose of that?" Eggman wondered. Pierre just grinned menacingly, which caused Eggman to shiver with fear.

"Your clothes are down there!" he pointed to the ball, which settled a couple hundred yards from shore. Eggman gaped with astonishment, even though he already knew his clothes were there.

"YOU DELIRIOUS DOPPELGANGER!" shouted Eggman. Pierre chuckled with amusement.

"And that's exactly what you'll find surrounding your clothes!" Eggman was befuddled by Pierre's last remark.

"HMP! I don't know what to make of that!" huffed Eggman, annoyed and tired.

"Well, you'll find out soon, hmm?"

"HEY! What's going on!" shouted Sonic, running outside, along with everyone else. Eggman angrily pointed a finger at Pierre, who smiled gleefully.

"THIS MAN CLAIMS HE PUT DOPPELGANGERS OF HIMSELF AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE, SURROUNDING MY BELOVED CLOTHES!" Eggman barely managed to speak those words before he cried.

"Is this true?" questioned Sonic, looking extremely perplexed. Pierre cleared his throat extravagantly and said,

"If I was in court I would not be acquitted for such balderdash!" he snapped, kicking up sand into Sonic's face. Pierre began searching his pocket for something.

"What are going to do next?" snarled Eggman, cautiously awaiting Pierre's next scheme.

"A TREASURE MAP!" exclaimed Tails, abruptly leaping for it.

TO BE CONTINUED

Sorry it took so long. I've been very busy lately and have been procrastinating about writing this story. Read and review.