A/N: If I'm not mistaken, this is the first Hank the Cowdog fic on the site. If so, hooray for me! If not, oh well. This came to me after my grandfather's funeral last May and I just pondered the "what if?" question to death...pun not intended.


Chapter One: Goodbye, Old Friend

It's me again, Hank the Cowdog. It was a lovely chilly morning in September and pretty much nothing was going on. Which was strange because on THIS ranch, something is always going on. I should know because I'm the Head of Ranch Security. Have I ever discussed with you the significance of this job? If I haven't I'll illastrute---illutate---imitate---sigh, I'll EXPLAIN it to you. As Head of Ranch Security it is MY job to keep this ranch safe from monsters, evil barn cats, coyotes, stray dogs, killer tornadoes, monkey burglars, and the etcetera. Drover obviously can't handle the job so I take it upon myself to fulfill it.

What was I talking about before? Oh yeah, it was a kind of a hot day in May, worst I could remember. Even the flies were drooping as they flew lazily through the humid air. Y'know, I always thought it was funny that flies were called "flies" and they "fly". I mean, dogs don't "dog". That makes no sense...anyways, like I said it was hot outside and we were getting ready for a big cattle roundup. See, it was time for us to brand the calves we'd had last month. Okay, WE didn't have the calves, the cows did. Dogs and ignorant cowboys don't give birth to calves..or anything else for that matter.

Anyways, I was making a final patrol of the western pasture to make sure we didn't miss any of the aforementioned calves. Loper and Slim, the lamebrains who call themselves cowboys, usually goof off while doing any important job including this one and it's usually up to me to get things straightened out. Surprisingly, there weren't any calves that we had skipped over during the roundup process so I made my way to the other side of the ranch towards the large circular pen that was filled with a hundred or so angry calves. Not that I blame them. I wouldn't want a piece of hot iron being pressed against my thigh either. But then again if they weren't so stupid and always running off, maybe we wouldn't have to brand them. So ha.

At about this time, Drover showed up. He was wearing that stupid grin he always has on complete with big eyes that showed that there was no brain behind them. It figures that he would show up AFTER the work was done. If I had seen him before the roundup, he probably would have started on about his "lame" leg.

"Mornin', Half-Stepper," I said once he got close enough. "I see you finally decide to show up."

"Well, Hank, I woulda loved to help but see, this darned ol' leg of mine got to hurtin' again right when I thought about gettin' up to help," he replied as he sat down in front of me, proceeding to scratch his left ear.

Right ear. Left---who cares?!

I was about to discipline Drover for his laziness when out of the corner of my eye I saw---a calf. A small, slightly underweight brownish-red heifer (that's a female) that was hiding on the other side of her mother drinking her breakfast. How on earth had we missed---phooey.

I turned to Drover. "Hey, Drover, to redeem yourself of the punishment I'm about to lash out, why don't you go over there and tell the calf that she needs to shove off her ma and get in with her playmates."

"Gosh, Hank, I don't know. She looks like she's eating breakfast right now."

"I can SEE that, but the moint of the patter is that she---"

"Cows don't patter, Hank. They kinda...stomp, I guess is the word. Cats patter."

"Yeah, and cats are the evil patterers of nature especially Pete."

"Y'know, I ain't seen Pete all day. You think he's missing?"

"No, he's probably...how did we get started on this?"

"Well, you said something about cows pattering and I said that cats patter and cows stomp and then--"

"I never said anything about pattering, Drover, I said 'the point of the matter'! Geez, you need to get those ears of yours cleaned out."

"Yeah, I guess."

"I give up all hope of having a decent conversation with you, Drover. I'll handle the calf situation myself."

With that, I turned my back on the little mutt that had tried to divert my attention away from my duty and marched up towards the mother cow and her child. The mother noticed me and gave me a look of somewhat fear. If you've never been around a cow before, well that's what they do when you get near them. They give you a look of wide-eyed dread 'cause they think you're gonna kill them or something. Idiots.

"G'mornin' Miss Cow. I'm sorry to interrupt your quality time with your child but I'm afraid we need her presence down in the pen with the other children."

"She's eating," Mama Cow stated simply.

"I know that, but she can eat later when she gets done with her business down at the pen. It's branding time, as you well know."

"She'll go down there when she's done eating," she told me in an irritated matter.

Did I care if I made her mad? No. Business is business, and it was my job to take care of it.

"Ma'am, if you don't release your child this instant, I might be tempted to use brute force."

"Try it, buddy, and see what happens."

Oh ho! A stupid cow issuing a threat to ME? The Head of Ranch Security? Oh brother, this was rich. I'd never had a cow back-talk me before so this was pretty funny. But just then, her smart-aleck child peeked out from under her ma's belly and said, "Yeah, mess with my mom and see what happens."

Now I can NOT tolerate an undisciplined child such as that. Her mother didn't even get onto her about not respecting her elders! Can you believe that? I lifted my lips to show my fangs at her.

"Now listen here, missy, you ought not talk to---"

"LEAVE MY CHILD ALONE, YOU BULLY!!"

HUH?

Before I knew what was happening, ol' Mama Cow had raised up on her hind legs with her front legs outstretched in the air and then-------

I opened my eyes and felt the mother of all headaches pounding in my brain. It wasn't helping that I could hear Drover's voice screaming in my ears.

"Hank! Hank! Oh, Hank, PLEASE wake up! Oh my gosh, HANK!!"

"Drover, stop that," I said, surprisingly myself by talking in a whisper. Strange, I felt rather weak.

"Oh, Hank, you're alive!" he shouted. I could see the tears rolling down his face.

"Of course I'm alive, you brick, why wouldn't I be?"

"That mama cow smashed your head with her hooves, Hank! I thought you were a goner!"

Smashed my head? Well, that would explain the headache. Strange, why was it suddenly cold?

"Drover, is it cold?"

He gave me a strange look. "It's burning up out here."

At that moment, I heard somebody, or somebodies, running towards me. Drover backed up and then I saw Slim and Loper kneeling by me.

"Good honk!" Slim said. "What on earth happened? I ain't never seen so much blood!"

BLOOD??

"That stupid cow over there attacked him when he got too close to the calf. I saw the whole thing. Good grief, Hank, can't you leave stuff alone?"

Gee, thanks for making me feel better, Loper. You're a pal.

"Should we get him to a vet or something?" Slim asked. He seemed pretty worried.

Loper shook his head. "No. He'd never make it in time."

WHAT? Guys, I'm still alive down here! I can make it!

Drover came towards me again, still crying. "Hank? You gonna die?"

"Of course not. What kind of cowdog gets killed by a cow? That's embarrassing."

The truth of the matter was that I could actually feel myself passing on. It was kind of an eerie feeling. Like I was getting farther away from everybody.

"Drover, in the case that I do die...I can't believe I'm saying this...but I need you to be in charge of things while I'm gone."

"ME?"

"It sure ain't gonna be Pete."

"But, Hank, I'm just a chicken-hearted little mutt, I don't know how to run a ranch! What if nobody listens to me? What if I get confused? Who's gonna explain things to me?"

"You're grown-up now, Drover. You don't need me to do stuff for you. It's time to act like an adult."

I could feel myself fading even more. My time was up. "Congratulations, son. You're the new Head of Ranch Security."

"Oh Hank!"

"Tell everyone bye for me. Good-bye, Drover."

And with that, my story was over. Kinda surprising ain't it? Never expected to happen, did you? Neither did I.


How will the ranch cope without Hank? How will Drover run things on his own?