scattered pulse

sakura & fai

( inverse dilemma )

disclaimer: i will never own tsubasa reservoir chronicle

It's just a glance
A quick flick of his eyes
Or a smile on his face
And the longing heart thumps
Faster and faster
Just for him

She could feel the warmth of the sun bathing her skin. She could feel the mischievous wind teasing tresses of her golden brown hair. She could smell the clean cut grass that surrounded her and the smell of freshly made bread. She could hear the birds chirping in the background, along with the faint murmurs of people talking amongst themselves in the background. Even more acutely, she could feel the warmth of hot breath that was on her neck.

But, she couldn't see.

All this, the senses around her were found by listening. To everything and everyone, but more importantly, herself.

Even so, the Princess of Clow was very aware of the amount of pressure that his soft, cold hands were pressed against her eyes.

Close your eyes, he had told her, and just listen.

So that's what she did. She listened, really listened to herself, the world around her and she heard things that she had never heard before. She noticed the surrounding sounds, the fall of leaves, the singing ladies; then herself, the small intakes of breaths that she took, and then she heard it, a sound that she was always conscious of, but never really knew how loud it was, until now.

Thump-thump

She listened to the sound of her beating heart.

"Reach out for me, Sakura-chan, and open your hand," the gentle voice woke her from her trance; the intense shock of her erratically pounding heart, he murmured in her ear, his warm breath tickling her ear. "Can you do that, Sakura-chan, just for me?"

Trying to hold back the rose coloured blush that tinted her cheeks, she nodded energetically, a bit too much as her hair became slightly messy and she answered, "Of course, Fai-san."

She would do anything for that man.

Something soft and delicate landed on her hand, a silky or velvety item that seemed familiar, yet not familiar. Wordlessly, the princess of the desert closed her hand and felt more of it, objects that were similar to the one in her hand, float down to her hair, her clothes, and her nose. "Fai-san?" The curiosity within her won, "what's in my hand?"

He laughed, teasingly replying, "Can't Sakura-chan guess? Or shall I give you a clue?" He paused mockingly before continuing, "It's something that comes off a tree and shares the same name as someone I know. They're also very pretty…" He said, somewhat slyly, and the blush on her cheeks grew redder by the seconds. "I'm surprised, since I can see, I know right away. It really is a different experience if you can't see, or hear with the senses you take for granted." She knew that he was grinning and smiled too, vaguely wondering if Fai-san really did have cat ears.

Now to find out what was in her hand…

Let's see… she pouted, chewing her bottom lip absentmindedly, something that comes off a tree…leaves or flowers! …maybe? She realized, overjoyed that she figured one part out of the puzzle. Still, the adorable princess frowned as she wasn't sure if it was a leaf or a flower. If she chose one, what if she chose the wrong one?! Leaves are not as soft as this, she decided, so it must be a flower! But, she internally wailed, flowers aren't as small as this! Think outside the box, her father once told her, while logic is good, imagination can often help too. Just… don't be too assuming. A flower petal, then?

"Is it a flower petal, Fai-san?" She guessed, holding her breath, hoping that it was right.

"Yay! You got it!" The mischievous magician cheered her on, making her cheeks redden. "Now, what's the name of it?"

I don't know any flower petal names! But I must try! She thought, still not giving up, despite her loss of memory. It's the name of someone I know, and is very pretty… that's what Fai-san had said, the princess of Clow recalled. As far as I know, 'Syaoran' doesn't have anything to do with flowers and I don't really think pretty petals can be 'black'… Fai-san may be pretty, but surely he's not that vain, is he? Which means…! Her mouth opened slightly, surprised.

Which means…

"It's a sakura petal!" She smiled; clapping her hands and allowing the petals blow into the wind, drifting higher and lower away from her and Fai-san.

"That's right! Since 'Sakura' means 'cherry blossom' and I think that you are very pretty." Fai grinned, removing his hands from her face.

Her rosy blush grew even bigger and warmer, "r-really?"

"Really." The mage reassured her, "you can open your eyes now, if you want."

Thump-thump

Slowly, Sakura opened her emerald eyes, blinking slowly as she adjusted to the light. The first thing she saw was him, with his soft sun-kissed hair and his porcelain skin. But best of all, she saw his magnificent eyes, but she was never sure if they were cerulean or sapphire…

"Fai—Fai-san…" Sakura stuttered, tucking a rebellious lock of hair behind her impish ear, "i-it's beautiful!"

They were standing in a park with soft, fragranced green grass and surrounded by cherry blossom trees; the blooming petals scattered and dancing in the playful wind.

"It is, isn't it?" The blond magician agreed, the mischievous breeze shifting his hair. "I've never been in such a beautiful place, with a beautiful person, or had so much fun…" he murmured quietly.

"Fai-san?" She timidly asked, feeling like she had just seen a different side of him. It was someone deeper, someone who rarely came out. It was something fragile, so fragile, that she feared if she saw it—him—again, that he might break, and she wouldn't be able to pick up the broken pieces.

"What is it, Sakura-chan?" An awkward smile graced his pale cheeks. It—he—was gone, but still, he was recovering, desperately trying to hide. His voice was calm, hardly betraying him, but his eyes told a different story.

"Why did you make me… close my eyes and just… listen?" She didn't want to tread on uncomfortable ground, or offend him. Truthfully, she had enjoyed it. It was simply that she wanted to know why he did it, why he wanted her to stand still and listen.

"I suppose I… just… thought that you might like to perceive the world in a different light, a different view, that's all, Sakura-chan. You, not the previous you, know only a little of what life is, what beauty is. Days pass and we travel from world to world, learning new things, new customs, and new clothes. Still, when do we stop to think, to cool down, and relax. You have a chance to wipe the slate clean, to start again, because you don't remember the old you. I can't, at least not yet, but you, you can do everything better. You can make your 'wrongs', your 'sins' right. Whatever you did in your previous life, you can erase, learning what not to do, what to do. That's all, Sakura-chan."

The princess's eye gazed deeply into the magician's eyes.

Thump-thump

"Fai-san… thank you…" Again, she felt her round face grow warm. Fai-san always did make her see things in a different perspective.

"Now, let's make some chocolate cakes! I bet Syaoran-kun and the customers would like that! I hope Kuro-rin will enjoy it, as well, even if he complains." The mage of Celes broke the tension with one of his quirky comments.

She laughed, "I'd like that. I'd like that a lot, Fai-san."

"Sakura-chan. Sakura-chan! Try this one!" The tall magician called to her, selecting a few kimonos for the princess to try on.

They were supposed to go back to the café, but then Fai had seen a few clothes that he thought suited her, and would make her even more adorable! And Mokona did like shopping.

"B-but Fai-san… I don't think I need to wear it for the customers…" she blinked, her hand unconsciously caressing the material that he held.

"Yeah, I know, Sakura-chan, but still… it would really cute on you!" He enigmatically leaped into the air and landed beside her. "Besides, Sakura-chan, it has kitties on it! Kitties!"

She smiled, catching his light-hearted, happy-go-lucky mood. And the kimono did look cute…

… and Fai-san had pen-named her 'little kitty' and said she'd look cute…

"Think of it as a souvenir, Sakura-chan. We should have some memoirs of the worlds we visit right?" he tried in one last attempt, his eyes twinkling as she mulled over wearing the kimono, and possibly buying it.

I suppose its okay, she reasoned, as a souvenir, I would like to remember the people I met, and the places I travelled, complying with the magician's request.

"Yay!" The blond hair flew up, as the magician pranced about, along with the hyper Mokona. Somehow, it had 'found' them as it was 'exploring'. Fai-san whispered in her ear that it had, amazingly, silently followed them. But Mokona didn't hear that.

"Yay!" The white pork bun cheered. "Sakura is going to wear it!"

It did go with the 'kitty' motif.

The curtains closed. A few minutes passed and the mischievous magician and Mokona waited with eager anticipation and baited breath. The curtains opened and there stood a blushing Sakura-chan, in all her cuteness, followed by a squealing white pork bun called Mokona and an upbeat Fai.

"I knew it! I just knew it! Sakura-chan, this kimono really suits you!"

"Yeah, you just GOTTA buy it!" Mokona nodded, spinning up and down, twirling, twisting, weaving around Sakura, making itself very dizzy.

Emerald met sapphire. A soft smile crept on both their faces.

Sapphire met emerald. It was almost as if a spell was cast over them, as she was losing herself in those eyes of his.

"I think you look very beautiful, Sakura-chan." He said quietly, knowing that she heard him.

She looked away, breaking their eye contact. Her cheeks hotly flushed red once more.

Thump-thump

"Tha-thank you, Fai-san," Sakura stuttered, not daring to meet her eyes.

He had called her beautiful, and her heart soared. Or at least, half of it did. The other half was waiting for Syaoran-kun to call her beautiful. That part was Princess Sakura of Clow Country. She was the shadow princess of the desert.

"Fai-san?" The golden-brown haired girl called his name, wondering if should ask the question in her mind.

"Hm? What is it?" His silky head tilted to one head as he analysed the princess from head to toe.

"Why did you name us 'Big Kitty' and 'Little Kitty' and Syaoran-kun and Kurogane-san 'Big Puppy' and 'Little Puppy'?" Her emerald eyes flicked to his, before looking away again, not sure if she had asked the right question. Worry spread throughout her mind. What if Fai-san was offended, and wanted to change their names? What if Fai-san thought she didn't like those names? That wasn't true! She did, she liked the names 'Kitty' and 'Puppy' because… they were cute! But, she caught the twinkle in Fai's sapphire—cerulean—eyes and knew instantly that he wasn't offended, or angry, merely amused.

"Oh that?" A lopsided grin grew, and he scratched his head, "Well… besides the absolute cuteness about those two names, if you think about, dogs are strong, dependable, brave and very reliable creatures."

"Like Syaoran-kun and Kurogane-san!" Sakura nodded, clapping her hands.

"Right! Give those two some jobs, and you can count on them to do a job well done! While we 'Kitties' are cuter, sweeter and much more adorable! We pull the strings, making sure that they have a healthy breakfast and have the right… motivation. And since Kuro-pin is also a big bad wolf, which is similar to the dog, it all adds up. I'm a far more carefree, lazy person than he is, and much more mischievous person, like a kitty. I thought we might as well be like that. As for the 'Big' and 'Little', well, I'm bigger than you, and Kuro-puppy is bigger than Syaoran-kun!" The flaxen haired magician snapped his fingers, finished with his explanation.

"Well? Do you want to buy the kimono?" Mokona jumped in, landing on Sakura's shoulder.

Nodding shyly, her brilliant emerald eyes met his icy sapphire eyes. A grin crept onto his face.

"Fai-san, there's one more thing I want to ask… just between us?"

"Of course, Sakura-chan," he soothingly assured her, "just between you and me. You can trust me."

She began. "I… remember that I was… am the Princess of Clow Country. I don't remember Syaoran-kun, but somehow," she hesitated, "I feel…connected to him. If the previous me liked, maybe even loved him, should I… should I love him, in the… the same way, too?"

The magician sighed, looking away into the distance before he met her eyes, looking sombre. "I …"

"Fai-san?"

"I believe, Sakura-chan, that while you are her, you are also not her, you are also yourself."

"Fai-san?"

"Yes, you are Princess Sakura, but, it is the Princess Sakura who has her memories, the one who is important to Syaoran-kun. To me, the current you is Sakura-chan. And while, even if it was unintentional, you cut yourself away from the old you, those bonds, those sins… perhaps, they still remain. The body remembers what the mind forgets. You may be the princess, but you are also human, therefore you are allowed to make mistakes."

"Fai-san…" How could she say anything after such a deep speech?

"Well, that's what someone told me," he quickly said, his porcelain face turning into a quirky grin. And he knew, just as she knew, that the person, the one she had glimpsed at earlier had come back.

"But, Fai-san, what about the bonds?" The princess of the desert asked.

"Hm? I… I don't know, Sakura-chan. But I suppose I could tell you this: don't let the past control your future, it may define who you are, but… it is you, not your past that allows you to shape the future. I guess that's the same for the bonds. Even if the past you had feelings for Syaoran-kun, for example, you are free to choose who you love. After all, even the strongest bonds can loosen in time."

"Fai-san…" Again, she could only say his pretty name, which easily flowed off the tip of her tongue, softly under her breath.

"They say the greatest thing in the world is to love, and to be loved in return," the magician paused dramatically, "so they say, personally, I don't know."

And once again, the magician had broken the tension, but still, the princess wished that he had said something else, a little differently, or at least held the moment for a little while longer.

Even so, the princess of the desert could only say, "Thank you, Fai-san."

"Oh, it's quite alright. Now, let's buy you that kimono." He smiled softly, taking the princess's small hand, which fit perfectly in his.

"Okay!"

The auburn haired girl smiled blissfully under the rays of golden sunlight.

"Sometimes Syaoran-kun looks… so very lonely…"

That's what she said, a few days ago. Yet it wasn't just Syaoran-kun that was lonely, Kurogane-san and Fai-san looked lonely. No, that wasn't the right word for it… they felt lonely. She sensed that, and wondered why they felt like that. Did they miss someone or something… or did they have a terrible secret locked within themselves? She worried for them; she cared for them, she loved them, almost as if they were family.

Especially the magician.

He seemed the loneliest, even if he acted happy-go-lucky and cheerful, and always finding time for her. But still she caught the way that eyes looked at the window, wistfully, desperately, searching for something—anything—to cling on to. Nor did she miss the way his hands clenched for a moment, before painfully and slowly relaxing. It was if he was protecting himself, from the outside world, but how could she tell what he clung on to, or shielded from, she didn't know him that well. Still, she saw that the loneliness that he emitted, even if he didn't mean for it to show, it seemed so much more that Syaoran-kun's or Kurogane-san's loneliness.

"My country's a little colder that this, I think."

How cold was the country of Celes, a land of ice and snow? Were there castles filled with darkness and cobwebs? Or did ghosts, mere fragments of the past, haunt the ground? Was it too cold, so very cold, that it made a warm, pulsing heart freeze and turn into ice, or dissolve into snow?

What was it like, she wanted to ask him, the land of Celes? But he would always give a small smile, a vague gesture, and tell her a fairytale that had a girl who wore a white dress, who waited by a pool, and longed for the person 'just for her'. One day, he told Sakura, she'll find him, and she can leave, because all princesses need their prince charming.

But what about princesses who fall for their lonely magicians? What about those who can only touch their heart, and their heart alone? She'd reply, with a rosy hue on her cheeks. Yet Fai-san would only reply by tucking the covers and saying, 'Goodnight, Sakura-chan'.

If that was the case… if his heart had turned to ice, then all those emotions he gave; happy, clumsy, carefree and distant; was it just an … act?

Did their existence mean nothing to him?

Did she mean anything to him?

Lost in thought, the princess of the desert didn't realize that she was scrubbing the dishes so hard.

"You don't have to hurry, Sakura-chan." The mage with skin made of marble, eyes that came from a celestial place and sun-kissed hair, smiled at her.

She blinked, and turned to face him, returning her smile at him. "Okay, but I'm almost finished, anyway."

His smile widened, and she could feel praise radiating off him. "You're working so hard." Fai-san commented.

Thump-thump

Her cheeks reddened, as she turned to face the dishes once more, and to complete her chores.

"I can hardly do anything for any of my travelling companions," the princess told him, a little sadly, dismayed that she could hardly do anything for them. "So anything I can do, I want to do!"

If I can't make his heart melt, or tell him its okay to be himself, or even ease his loneliness… What use is a Princess if I can't make my friends happy? Whether it's by luck, or by myself, I want to help them, I want to care for them. Syaoran-kun… Kurogane-san… and Fai-san…

"And someday…" she continued, a faint blush spreading across her cheeks, "… if only just a little…" she smiled, albeit a little sadly, "… I'd like to bear my share of everyone's burden and…"

She stopped, her vision darkening. Her head felt dizzy, and she didn't realize that the sponge flew into the air, or that the plate smashed into the ground

"… pain…" the auburn haired princess feebly finished, her emerald eyes closing as she collapsed…

… into the arms of the magician.

Still, the tired princess of the desert wasn't finished. She wanted to tell the magician that she didn't want to just share their burdens, just their pain. She wanted everyone to be her family, to be themselves, hers, not the Princess Sakura's. She wanted to know them; their favourite colour, their quirks, their favourite food and even their favourite kind of shoes. She wanted to know what made them, them, who they really are.

She wanted to understand them.

She wanted to know him.

She wanted to know why her heart thumped quicker whenever he smiled, whenever he looked or glanced at her.

She wanted to know… if she was as close to his heart as he was to hers.

Wasn't it only a few days ago that someone said 'the body remembers what the mind forgets'?

The body was still Princess Sakura's.

The mind was now Sakura-chan's.

Syaoran-kun still thought her as 'Princess Sakura', the one he remembered, the one he knew… possibly the one he… loved. And possibly… Princess Sakura had… loved back.

In her opinion, though, it really was a formal name. Princess Sakura. Sakura-hime.

Fai-san gave a cuter name, 'Sakura-chan', giving her a chance to start anew, to wipe the slate clean. Perhaps, perhaps not, he felt something for her.

Even if the feeling was platonic, she'd be more than grateful for being considered a friend. And maybe, just one day, 'Princess Sakura' would feel the way as she did, towards the same man, the hearts racing with each other, beating in a synchronised way. Maybe.

A soft voice broke her thoughts, one that she knew so well.

"You really are a good kid, Sakura-chan. You make a guy like me with no room to worry about others…hope that you'll be happy in the end."

As the magician's cold, soft lips were pressed against her forehead; the princess of the desert could not help but think that he did care for her, that she meant something to him.

And that was all she needed.

With that in mind, before her thoughts faded away, before losing complete consciousness, her heart once more went…

Thump-thump…