Coffee Cravings

By: Landray Depth Charge

Jesus Christ, he was bored.

And when it was dull enough for Frenzy to be incapable of amusing himself, it was saying something.

It appeared that Podunk, Oregon, or wherever he and Barricade were in at the moment, was monotonous at noon in the dead of summer. The roads were long and flat with nothing but cornfields on either side as Barricade headed due west towards the Columbia Gorge.

"Patience, comrade," the Ford rasped to his teammate in the passenger seat. "Entertainment awaits you in the next town."

Frenzy perked from his slumped over position in the passenger seat. "Coffee?"

The other sighed. "If you must."

It was difficult for Barricade to ignore his partner's hyperactive and excited babble and bounce as the miniformer obviously approved of the idea. He rued the day he introduced Frenzy to Dunkin Donuts espresso for the sake of believability in New York City. Ever since, the radio-robot had been hooked on coffee like it was crack cocaine straight from Columbia and had even rewired and upgraded himself to be able to at least somewhat consume the beverage. It was the bane of Barricade's existence, especially when Frenzy went through systematic caffeine withdrawal. Frenzy got irate when he didn't get the correct dose of caffeine or said bouts were inconsistent.

The road stretched on straight and true before him for what seemed like forever, but Barricade knew what his hyperactive companion did not. Interstate eighty-four dumped into Portland, Oregon after an extensive drive through the scenic Columbia River Gorge, however, Barricade was not taking this route for the sake of trees and mountains. It was long, straight, and fast – there was little chance of anyone second-guessing a police car on the highway as opposed to one meandering backwoods roads.

Frenzy's stalk-like eyes swiveled this way and that, peering out of the one-way glass as objects whooshed by at eighty miles per hour. It was rare that the smaller, quicker Decepticon fell into silence, but what else could even the most sugar buzzed being do while stuck in a car for a long drive?

"I learn of road game in Tallahassee," the bored one grumbled as his overactive mind demanded something to occupy it. Twitching, he lurched out and grabbed at dials, pushed buttons, and played with levers while Barricade only sufferingly tolerated it.

"I fear to ask what that might be."

"'I spy'."

Barricade growled warningly as his teammate obsessively plunked away at the knobs on his radioface. "I spy?" he asked, expecting clarification.

But Frenzy, having disappeared from the front seat, had taken up residence in the back in order to fiddle with the humanoid laptop he'd lifted from the place of purchase known as 'Best Buy'. It amazed and delighted the coffee-addicted Decepticon just how low-tech these fleshlings were. Their technology was easy to hack and pick apart, simple to download, and even less complicated to completely destroy. What was a simple computer virus on Cybertron that only presented a small irritation to any resident who received it was a system-crippler to the humans. It was pitiful! It was amusing! It was…hilarious!

Barricade listened distractedly as Frenzy dissolved into a fit of maniacal giggling in his backseat. On most days the Ford merely didn't ask. He had larger things to worry about, bigger fish to fry, or whatever it was that the humans said. Megatron was still missing. The Allspark had not yet been found. Barricade was not out in the middle of nowhere in the Midwest for the sake of boring his partner witless, he was looking for clues, for signs, always on the prowl for his leader. Next stop: Portland, Oregon.

To punish and enslave. Peace through tyranny. All hail Megatron.