"Hey, uuh… you have a second?"
"What is it? No, wait, don't tell me. I don't want to know what he's been up to this time."
I sigh and my hands find the back of the chair, clinging to it. I want to do this standing up; it won't feel as much as betrayal.
"I need… your help."
She sets her pen down and stares up at me.
"It's about House."
I sit down.
"He… uuh… he's not doing so great."
"What happened?"
"He's been taking increasing amounts of Vicodin and alcohol… and one night I walked in on him and he was close to overdosing. Would have overdosed if I hadn't…"
"God."
"And, and he's not listening to me. I've been trying to make him get help but… "
We sit in silence for a while.
"It all started to get really bad when his mother died."
Her eyebrows rise slightly.
"I… didn't know that."
"Yeah well… I only found out by coincidence." I laugh a bit. Nervous laugh. "I, I have no idea what I should do."
"I could talk to him. Make him see a therapist."
"I don't know if that'll work. He doesn't exactly respond to pressure that well."
She just smiles wryly.
"Nope."
I'm fiddling with a rubber ball, trying to tone her out.
"Not… gonna happen."
"House…"
Usually, I wouldn't take very well into Wilson's little schemery but right now I don't actually care. So he went through with what he threatened to do. He must be feeling very big right now. Big deal.
"I heard about your mother. I'm sorry."
"I'm sure her rotting body will appreciate it."
"What did she die of?"
"Heart attack."
"I'm sorry."
She just loves saying that.
"But you have to get help. House, you can't go on like this."
I am actually quite aware of that.
I may be the only employee who can exchange their mandatory time in the clinic for an appointment scheduled for talking about feelings.
"So… Dr. House. You have been having a bit of a rough time."
He has a very ugly tie. I can't stop staring at it, the red shapes hypnotizing. When I tilt my head to the side it looks a little bit like a bloody embryo.
"Your mother passed away recently."
"Yeah."
Maybe if there was less green in it. Or a dash of blue to set off the orange stripes, make them flare out, react. Complementary colours. Action, counteraction. Reaction.
"Her chest pain was misdiagnosed as muscle strain and she was sent home. She died later of a heart attack."
If he's here to just read facts off a piece of paper, I might be coming by more often. Just so that I won't ever forget.
I'm fiddling with my pills and he's standing at the door of my office. I roll my eyes. I roll my pills.
"Hey… so how did it go?"
"Great. I feel so much better now, thanks."
"Is, is it really helping?"
"Yeah. It's like swallowing rainbows. Makes my feet happy."
He looks like he's about to say something, but can't quite get it out.
"You did what you thought was right."
He nods.
"I'll see you later tonight, okay?"
"Yeah. Sure."
Later I'm staring and there's something sore inside my chest, lodged in between my ribs, aching closing in painfully. Something wet on my cheeks before I have a chance to react. Slipping slipping slipping slipping. My throat closing in on me, almost breathing.
Day One
The locksmith has just left and I stare at the new key, at a loss with what I should do with it. My cleaning lady already has the other pair. She's coming around tomorrow.
I place the key on top of the locked piano and my hands are almost almost clenching when I think about the black and white keys the metal strings hidden inside. If you can't see something it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.
My eyes slip over the piece of paper but I've never had words. Taking two vials with me I lock the bathroom door, staring at the eyes staring back at me.
And when I do figure out what I want to tell him, my hand feels too heavy to lift.
nobody, not even the
rain, has such small hands
E. E. Cummings
A/N:
Yes, I know. I killed off my favourite character. I guess I knew right from the beginning that he wouldn't be able to get rid of his guilt and grief and his past issues and wouldn't be able to find anything to hold on to, despite some people's efforts. So, you know, happy holidays.
I started this story about a half a year ago, after having watched House a lot and read fanfiction... a lot. I will be editing this and posting it to my livejournal in a while. Thanks to all who have contributed to this story, especially everyone who has commented! I may write another story when I'm feeling like writing again.
Lenneth - Thank you very much :)
C Elise - Umm well, he didn't. Sorries!
blackmare - That's really nice to know since I was writing this with the help of my dictionary! Thank you so much for your words.