Tricks of the Trade

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the respective characters. I just like to take them out to play once in a while… preferably with each other.

Pairings: SasuNaru, with implied GaaraNaru, NejiNaru and ItaNaru.

Rating: T for shonen-ai, language and Perverted Sasuke.

A/N: Yosh, first Naruto fic! Which, incidentally, is pure crack. Because I adore crack. But never mind. Hope you like it enough to leave me a review…

Uzumaki Naruto had good reason to hate gossip.

He had lived with cautious glances and furtive whispers behind his back for as long as he could remember. He hated hearing it, even though he could never bring himself to hate the people who spread it. Because the gossip was always about him.

That damned fox.

With this in mind, you would think Naruto would be happy if someone else became the victim of the village gossip. You would think that he would delight in the fact that people were no longer interested in talking about him; you would think that, as a teenager, Naruto would appreciate the new freedom. He was a graduate now, a shinobi of Konoha. Adults did not pull pranks to get the slightest bit of attention, thus he did not – well, rarely anyway. Why should he care that people rarely talked about him or his pranks anymore? Because seriously, his tricks were the stuff legends were made of. They deserved to be remembered.

But he did care. And he cared because all anyone could talk about these days was that bastard.

Uchiha Sasuke.

Just thinking about his stoic teammate was enough to make Naruto feel an insatiable urge to beat something, even someone, into an unrecognisable pulp. What was so great about Sasuke, anyway? What was it about the Uchiha that made all the kunoichi swoon? Why were they all so bloody obsessed with that jackass? He had hair that resembled a bird's backside, eyes that looked like black stones, and a body that was too skinny to be appealing. His lips were thin, dry and completely unkissable.

So what if Naruto knew that his hair was as feathery and soft as it looked. So what if Naruto knew that those onyx eyes shone like precious stones when he was angry. So what if Naruto did know that his body was all deceptive strength and sleek, sinewy perfection. So what if Naruto personally knew that his lips were silky and supple, like kissing velvet.

As far as he was concerned, the Uchiha was nothing special

It aggravated Naruto to no end that Sasuke could do absolutely nothing and still get more attention. It pissed him off that girls could still adore him when he was being a rude, arrogant jerk who clearly did not give a flying fuck about anything they said or did and never ever would. So Naruto knew from personal experience that Sasuke was undeserved of any gossip.

But he quickly changed his mind when the rumours started. The rumours that Uchiha Sasuke was actually in love.

With Uzumaki Naruto.

Naruto was guzzling down a bowl of miso ramen in typical fashion at Ichiraku (for breakfast, no less) when he first heard it – or rather, felt it. With his head buried in the bowl, he had missed hearing the inane chatter of the gaggles of girls flocking past the stand, but he could hardly fail to miss the fist that came smashing onto his head from behind. Inhaling the broth in his shock, Naruto came up spluttering and gasping, ready to beat the crap out of whoever hit him.

"What the fu-!"

"Naruto, how could you!"

Dazed, with hair and face covered in broth and bits of noodles, the blonde could only blink in defence. "Sa-Sakura-chan?"

The pink-haired kunoichi pulled back her fist and let lose another sob as she let fly another punch. "Y-You stole him from me!"

Naruto gaped at her. Getting beaten up by Sakura was nothing new, and she accused him of being utterly clueless and an idiot on a regular basis, but being called a thief was new. And insulting. Uzumaki Naruto may have been many things, but he was not a thief! He was the kind of shinobi who refused to cheat even when he was supposed to cheat.

"Hey, hey! Who you callin' a thief?" he protested indignantly, catching her fist mid-blow.

Sakura drew in a deep, shuddering breath, acting as if she had not heard a word Naruto said. "I will never ever forgive you," she declared brokenly, "for stealing my only chance at true love!"

Naruto was at a complete loss. One, he was clueless when it came to dealing with girls, especially crying girls, and two, he had no idea what the hell she was blubbering about. But if he stole her only chance at true love… that would mean he stole… Sasuke? Why the hell would he bother stealing that asshole? Okay. Sakura must have lost it. He scratched his head, frowning.

"Um… Sakura-chan…?"

"I want to know what you did to Sasuke-kun," she hissed, inching closer to him, her face darkening menacingly. "You did something to him. And I want to know what it is. Now." The kunoichi cracked her knuckles for emphasis and Naruto blanched, but it did nothing to clear his confusion.

"What makes you think I did anything to Sasuke-teme?" he asked blankly. "I borrowed his kunai once, but I gave it back, I swear. Wait, is that jerk still saying I stole it? I threw it at his freakin' head, I know he got it back!"

Sakura looked momentarily perplexed, before her expression cleared. "Who cares about a stupid kunai?" she said incredulously. "You. Stole. His. Heart!"

"No, seriously, he – what?"

Naruto took a step back, his face aghast. "W-What do you mean, I stole his heart?"

"Come on, Naruto," she scoffed, giving him a suspicious glare. "Everyone knows. The entire village has been talking about nothing else since yesterday! You know, I thought you could at least tell me the truth."

"What…" he swallowed hard and croaked, "Sakura-chan, what has the village been talking about?"

Sakura stared at him in astonishment, realisation dawning. "You mean… you don't know?" she said slowly. "You haven't heard?"

Before Naruto could say another word, a joyous shout shattered his nervous anticipation.

"NARUTO-KUN!"

Naruto blinked as a green, tearful blur swept in front of him. "Fuzzy Brows?"

Rock Lee beamed, tears of joy streaming down his face. "Ah, Friend Naruto! You are truly in the springtime of your youth!" he sobbed. "To have captured the heart of Sasuke-kun with no effort, unlike myself, who must work hard to earn the affections of his beloved!" With that he gave Sakura an adoring look. The kunoichi flinched.

Naruto paled even further. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out except a dry croak.

Lee almost swooned at the sight. "Naruto-kun, I see you are struck speechless by the beauty of your love for Sasuke-kun! How proud I am to witness this moment, to see the flames of your youthful passion ignite for the first time! Look, see how they burn so fiercely in your eyes!" He clenched a fist triumphantly, a manic expression springing into his unique eyes. "Have no fear, Naruto-kun, I will spread the news of this newborn passion," he cried. "Soon, all will know the depth of the love that your worthy heart has bestowed upon Sasuke-kun! YOSH!"

With one last adoring look at Sakura, the still sobbing Lee fled up the street, clutching his heart before it could jump right out of his chest.

Sakura, whose own rage had long since faded (even though Inner Sakura was still screaming for blood), looked uncertainly at Naruto. The kitsune was quiet, knuckles turning white as his fists tightened, eyes perfectly blank.

"Sakura-chan," he said quietly. "Is there a rumour going around about me and Sasuke?"

She nodded reluctantly. "Er… yes."

With the same ghostly calm, he asked, "What are they saying about me and… Sasuke?"

He bit out the name like it caused him physical pain and Sakura winced.

"Oh, just that… that you… that you and Sasuke-kun are…" her expression contorted painfully, but she managed to blurt it out.

"That you and Sasuke-kun are in love!"

Naruto was convinced that the entire population of Konoha was certifiably insane.

People thought he was in love with Sasuke. People thought Sasuke was in love with him.

Panting, the kitsune threw himself desperately around the corner, not caring where the hell he was going. It seemed like half the kunoichis in Konoha took exception to the fact that their Sasuke-kun might be in love with the male village troublemaker. Naruto winced, clutching the graze on his shoulder from a well-aimed shuriken. Even if he used Kage Bunshin, there was nothing left to do but run. He risked a glance over his shoulder, and his heart beat faster as the approaching dust cloud grew larger every second.

"Oh… shit…"

He had known it was going to be bad when he left Ichiraku, but shit, this was a nightmare. Those kunoichi were determined to have his head and they were showing no signs of giving up anytime soon. The second he had stepped outside the ramen stand, they had swarmed all over him like Choji on the last potato chip. Naruto might have been able to outsmart them with his clearly superior shinobi skills, but these girls were no slouches either. They were pulling out all the stops, setting traps along the rooftops so that he was confined to the streets and each creating Bunshins to chase after him.

If they caught him, he was a dead man.

Dammit, he needed somewhere to hide, somewhere safe. A place no one would think of looking for him… his apartment? No, a place like-

"N-Naruto-kun!"

Naruto skidded to a halt. "H-Hinata!" he gasped, doubling over and clutching the stitch in his side. "H-Help… me… p-please… need to h-hide…"

He expected the shy girl to hold out a trembling hand and spirit him away to the safe haven of the Hyuuga compound, but she did no such thing. Instead, her pale eyes filled with tears and her trembling intensified tenfold.

"…Hinata?"

"I-I know about you and S-Sasuke-kun," she choked out, looking both proud and horrified with herself for daring to talk to Naruto. "A-And… and…" Unable to finish, the poor girl ducked her head and wished desperately for the ground to open up and swallow her whole.

Relief swamped over Naruto. Of all people, Hinata would believe him. Thank god someone was finally going to support his side of the story! "Hinata, I-"

"I wish you both all the happiness in the world!"

The agonized words, said miraculously without a stammer, burst out of her and Hinata, with a face that resembled the setting sun, turned and fled.

Naruto was only frozen for the second that it took for her to turn and run, before he cracked. "I'm not in love with that bastard!" he yelled after her. In a sudden frenzy, he whipped around and bellowed at the pursuing kunoichi, shaking his fists. "Do you hear me? I am not in love with Sasuke!"

"Naruto? Who the hell are you shouting at?"

The kitsune almost cried at the sight of Kiba and Shino emerging from a side street. His fellow guys, two people least likely to indulge in gossip – they would believe him. They had to. "G-Guys," he croaked. "You have to help me! These girls… all freakin' nut jobs…"

Shino raised a brow and stared vacantly down the street at the approaching stampede. "It would seem," he said slowly, "that Naruto-kun has a problem he would like us to help him with."

No shit, Sherlock.

Naruto ground his teeth in frustration, squashing the urge to pound the bugs right out of the Aburame.

"Ne, Naruto," Kiba nudged him with his elbow and grinned wolfishly. "Is it true?"

"Is what true?" he demanded anxiously in a high-pitched voice. "No, dammit, I am not in love with that bastard!"

"Well… yeah." Kiba rolled his eyes. "But we want to know if it's true that you and Sasuke are… you know…" he leaned closer to Naruto, fangs gleaming. "…doing it."

Naruto's mouth fell open.

"And what we really want to know," the Inuzuka boy continued gleefully, and Akamaru growled his agreement, "is who's on top. Shino says it's Sasuke, but I dunno, I think it's you."

There was silence. Akamaru barked again.

"Oh yeah, Akamaru thinks you both take turns being bottom."

Shino pushed his sunglasses further up his nose. "But we doubt that you are actually in love, Naruto-kun," he said sombrely. "In fact…"

"…we think you just do it with Sasuke," said Kiba, finishing what was evidently supposed to be a comforting observation. "Cause we don't really listen to gossip, right, Shino?"

The Aburame nodded. "That is correct. Listening to gossip would be against proper shinobi conduct."

Naruto continued to gawk at them. "What…" he whispered, finally finding his voice. "You…"

Shino and Kiba gazed at him, obviously expecting some kind of answer. And they sure as hell got it.

"What the fuck is wrong with you people?"

"Naruto-kun!" Shino said sharply. "This is no excuse for using bad language."

"Yeah," Kiba exclaimed indignantly. "What the hell did we ever do to you?"

"Arf!"

Naruto snapped. "I am not sleeping with Sasuke!" he hollered. "You hear me? I am not having sex with that bastard!"

"That's not what we heard…"

"Fuck what you heard, I -"

"There he is!" a female voice shrieked.

"Naruto!" another screeched. "How dare you steal Sasuke-kun's virginity!"

The blonde whipped around. His blue eyes widened as his sense of extreme danger increased exponentially. They were out for blood. "Hide me, please!" he begged.

A bug crawled across Shino's face as he contemplated Naruto's situation. "Kiba. We are late for training with Kurenai-sensei. We are not allowed to be late," he said brusquely. "It is against the rules."

Kiba grinned. "We are?"

"…"

The Inuzuka shrugged. "If you say so. Ja, Naruto!"

"H-Hey, hey!" Naruto shouted desperately, but the two boys vanished within seconds and materialised on the opposite side of the street, promptly disappearing onto the rooftops. Leaving Naruto to fend off a hundred broken-hearted kunoichi.

He gulped. The heated shrieks got closer and closer.

So. There was nothing left to do except stand and fight. Naruto braced himself, forming the seals for Kage Bunshin, and prepared to defend himself to the very end.

"Kage Bunshin no jut-!"

"Uzumaki Naruto."

Naruto broke off midsentence, lowering his hands and squinting at the newcomer confusedly. "Gaara?" he said incredulously. "What are you doing here?"

The sand nin stared coldly at him. "We should be asking you the same thing, Naruto."

"Huh? Wait, what do you mean 'we'-?"

Neji stepped out to take his place beside Gaara, and subjected poor Naruto to the full force of his chilling glare.

"Yes, Naruto-kun. We. Us."

Gaara's turquoise eyes glittered ominously. "We heard a certain rumour about you and Uchiha Sasuke-"

The Hyuuga took a step closer to Naruto, pale eyes narrowing. "How could you, Naruto-kun?" he demanded, face twisting in actual emotion. "How could you?"

Oh yes. Uzumaki Naruto was a dead nin walking.