The Absence of Light

Edward's Purpose

I sat there in the vacant room with the smell of fresh paint and clean carpet all around me, but no amount of cleaning and painting could cover her luscious scent. It was here in this house where she grew up, where she had left her footprint, her one singular fragrance upon the very wood, concrete and stucco of this little house. The scent that caused every vampire instinct I possessed to react as if I had not fed in a thousand years instead of two weeks.

But I was so thirsty. Just being in this house surrounded by her sweet essence brought out my hunger that much more. I was afraid that no matter how much I loved her, in my present state, if she were to walk through the door, I would take her before she had a chance to blink and it would be so sweet. Bittersweet, and though I could never follow her, I would be forced to find an end to my own miserable excuse for a life very soon after.

For the first time in my existence, I didn't remember how I came to be somewhere. I had driven well over 6000 miles, just wandering mindlessly before ending up in front of her childhood home. I remembered winding mountain passes, long stretches of desolate road and crowded freeways, but didn't really remember making the conscience decision to come here, to find the house that had once been the happy home of my beloved Bella.

When I had arrived in Phoenix, I found myself driving past what I had expected to be a vacant lot where the dance studio had stood until Emmett and Jasper had burned it to the ground. What I found was that life had gone on. A new dance studio had already risen from the ashes and was in full operation. I drove slowly past and then down the few blocks to Bella's old house.

A 'For Sale' sign was posted in front yard with a notice that the price had just been reduced. Pulling my car over to the curb directly in front of what used to be her home, I sat back and waited for the sun to set in less than an hour.

Just driving through this desert metropolis, reminders of her flashed in front of me like neon signs, Bella Italian Restaurant, Bella Day Spa and Salon, Swan Dry Cleaners. I could picture her here in this valley of the sun. The smell of the creosote bushes came back to me before I even entered the city. Just as the first time I had caught their scent, I wondered how their unique pungent odor could possibly be such a comfort to her. It must have reminded her of home, the place she grew up and spent so many happy years ignorant in the knowledge that out in the world lurked inhuman sadistic bloodthirsty demons along with their ferocious enemies. Enemies she knew nothing about, as yet, and probably never would now that the vampires had left Forks. It would have been better for both of us if she had never left this place, or if she had gone on to continue her life in the sun of another state on the other side of the country from the place that I had once called my comfortable home.

After sunset, I managed to force my way into the house without too much damage to the back kitchen door. Walking slowly through every room, I finally settled in a corner of what was once her bedroom. The first night alone in her room, I tried not to give in and curl into a quivering mass, but in the end that was exactly what I did. I relinquished my control and sobbed uncontrollably for hours. I pushed every thought from my head that threatened to intrude and dilute my memories of her.

Did I have no pride, no shame? How could I ever deny all that I feel for her? How could she so easily believe I didn't want her?

It had seemed so clear to me at the time, what I had to do—I only wished I didn't feel as though I had just made the most horrendous mistake in leaving her. I wished I could go to her, take back all the lies I told her, wrap my arms around her soft warm body and kiss her tender lips, lie next to her and whisper how much I love her a thousand times. I would never be any closer to Heaven than I was while in her presence.

But, I was a coward. I couldn't find the courage in myself to admit I may be wrong. That there may be another way we could be together. I refused to listen to Alice. I wouldn't even let her thoughts or visions of what still could possibly be intrude on what I felt was the only option left to me, to Bella.

I was also a thief. I had stolen Bella's innocence, opened her eyes to a terrifying world that may forever haunt her dreams. By leaving, I was giving back the chance that she may continue on—to heal—to forget and eventually fall in love with a normal human male. Someone who could give her the things I never could. Someone who could touch her without the fear of breaking every bone in her fragile body, could make love to her in the ways I could never even allow myself to imagine, give her children, a long normal life and then grow old with her.

Compared to all those wonderful human things, I had nothing to offer her and I had only fooled myself into thinking that I did.

However, I would never know if or when she would meet the next man of her dreams. I would never see her again, ever. I had forbid Alice to spy on her, to watch her future and most importantly, I had forbid her to tell me what she saw.

If I ever saw her in the arms of another man, I knew what I would do, I would kill him without hesitation and in doing so, I would break her heart all over again. Even though she would have done exactly as I had asked and hoped by moving on, I would still love her as intensely as I love her now. The passage of time would not alter the way I feel and no amount of time would ever heal my self-inflicted wounds.

I had been sitting in the corner of Bella's bedroom for almost three days now. My hunger burned stronger with each breath I took in this house. I lost myself in my memories of her and sat motionless drowning in them uninterrupted by any realtors who may want to show the house to prospective buyers and pity them if they did come, for I wasn't sure I could resist or if I would even try.

I didn't sleep, but I could sit and focus all my energy on her and it was the closest to dreaming that I would ever come. When I closed my eyes, everything about her became so clear. If I only reached out my hand, I almost believed I could stroke her warm delicate skin.

I must have come here for a reason though, it had escaped me. My mind was clouded from hunger and my emotions constantly flipped from overwhelming sadness to anger to questioning my own sanity, which was much too disturbing. Maybe I came here searching for answers to the many questions I could never ask. What was it about her that brought to life the man that lay hidden inside of me? How could she possibly understand or have any concept at all of the depth of my love for her? Would I never stand at her door listening to her footsteps as she ran down the stairs just to throw herself into my waiting arms? Would I never again hear her voice anywhere but inside my own head?

No. I promised. I would never haunt her again.

I glanced out the window across from me. There had been thundershowers during the night and the dark clouds had not left yet. It rained on and off, sometimes a downpour. Other times only a spattering of drops here and there. I needed to leave this place, to hide myself in some other dark dismal hole where her fragrance could never reach me.

I stood, walked toward the window and looked out onto the yard where she grew up as a child. Would it be raining in Forks? Would there be a freak snowfall? Would the sun be shining down warming her pale skin with its burning light?

She would be at school now, close to the end of fourth period. Then, heading off to the cafeteria to sit down to lunch with her friends, her normal human friends. People who would never crave her blood above all else, who would grow, mature and age, go off to college or their other mundane lives without ever hurting her the way I had.

There was no other choice. I had to leave.

The pain of almost losing her to another vampire, a member of my own family, was far more than I could ever bear. I didn't blame Jasper, I couldn't. It's who we are, what we are, our very nature. No matter how much I loved her, eventually I would have succumbed to it and taken her life myself. It was inevitable.

Alice knew it. She saw it every day. After seeing it in her mind the first time, I refused to allow her to share any other visions with me that pertained to Bella joining our family. However, she had convinced the other members of our family it would eventually come to pass.

Even though I knew the dangers, I had opened my heart to Bella—let her in—dropped every guard and defense I had carefully put in place. Pretended to be someone I could never be, have something I could never have.

I was an idiot.

More than that, I must have been insane. I let myself believe she could actually care for me, love me in her human way, but how could she? Humans couldn't feel love the way my kind did, couldn't really feel something like love toward someone as repulsive as the murderer that hid inside of this stone shell. I was a soulless creature of the night. Without Bella's life force giving me reason to carry on, without her limited capacity for love to save me from the darkness that threatened to take me over, it was as if a great gaping black hole had opened in my chest and sucked every shred of happiness I ever felt into it's dark oblivion.

After announcing my decision to my family, I knew I could no longer live with them. I was not the only one who had become accustomed to her presence. They too, felt love for her. Their minds constantly focused on Bella and the possibility that she and I may still share some type of life together. Their sadness was more overwhelming than I could have ever anticipated. I knew that they had considered her as part of our family already and for me to ban them from seeing her and now even thinking of her was harder on them than I had thought it would be. How could one human girl have such an effect on a family of vampires?

Alice was the only one who dared go against my wishes by trying to discuss the only other option to keeping Bella safe. Her constant visions were unbearably tempting to peek into, but more than that, they made me feel something I had never felt before, hopelessness. I could only have Bella with me if she became one of us and that I would never do. I could never damn her to this dark life and for that reason alone, we had left.

The last time I saw my family, I was yelling at the top of my lungs at them and for that I still felt horrible. It may have been the last time I would ever see them and to leave them with that last memory of how out of control I had become was unthinkable. Still, because of my shame, I hadn't made an attempt to contact any of them. Poor Alice took the brunt of my raving and stood her ground as I roared in her sweet face…

She stood in my room refusing to pack as I haphazardly threw things into a large duffle bag, when she grabbed my hands forcing me to look at her…

"Edward, please, there is another way!" She pleaded.

"No! We are leaving and nothing you have seen will change my mind!"

"But this is so ridiculous and you know it! You've seen the same vision, it will happen sooner or later."

"I will not debate this with you, Alice."

"But it would be so easy… you would have nothing to fear." She had tried to hold my hands tenderly, looking for any sign that I would give in. "Carlisle would never…"

I ripped my hands from hers as I hissed in her face, "I have not denied my own burning thirst or saved her from eternal damnation just so another vampire could take her life!"

"Why are you fighting this, Edward?"

"Get out!" I hissed as I stared down into her golden eyes.

"I will not! She will join this family, Edward, whether…" The look in her eyes when I grabbed her by the arm was nothing short of defiance.

"You will not speak of this again, do you understand?" I snarled.

"I thought you loved her." She spat back at me.

Looking down at her small arm clutched in my hand, feeling so much like the monster I am, it took everything I had to admit just how much I truly, deeply loved Bella. "More than you will ever know." I released her arm praying that she would leave me in peace.

"I have also seen what will happen if we leave, and it's no way for you to live, for either of you." Her voice was trembling. Nevertheless, I felt nothing but anger.

"If you haven't noticed, Alice, I don't live my life by your visions." My voice was so cold, colder than it had ever been toward the tiny beauty that stood before me and at that moment she knew the likelihood that we would ever see each other again was very slim at best. She knew but refused to believe it.

"Yes… you do." Her trembling whisper was soft, her amber eyes all knowing.

Standing in the forest behind Bella's house, every word that poured from my mouth was a lie. Every word except the ones that proclaimed I would always love her. After all the truths I had told her she took in every word as gospel, believing every lie that spewed forth. I might as well have repeatedly slapped her face with my hand as hit her with my words.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

"You … don't … want me?"

"No."

"You're not good for me, Bella."

Her deep brown eyes had taken on a dead look. I was prepared to see tears flood from her eyes, but as usual, she never ceased to amaze me. Not one tear was shed. It seemed that I had shocked her so badly, she wasn't even able to cry. After all that, I had the nerve to ask her for a favor, to not do anything reckless or stupid. I was the one who put her in that position! She was in danger every second I was within a hundred miles of her. I was the one being reckless and stupid by just being around her. I had exposed my whole family to her, broken the law!

Then, I walked away. Walked away from the only love I would ever know.

No, I didn't walk, I ran.

Ran at the speed of light because I knew if I had stayed one second longer I would have changed my mind. I would have scooped her up and run with her. Run to the ends of the earth to keep her safe. Nevertheless, with me she would forever be in danger if not from one of my kind, then from me. I ran away from her, and in trying to wipe my existence from her tiny world, I left a huge part of myself there with her. Stashed under the floorboards of her bedroom where I could always be near her, at least until she went off to live the rest of her normal happy human life.

She may be free of me, but I would be forever lost to her.

I was beginning to understand the gravity of my situation. Now that I had known love, known joy and a small amount of happiness, known that there was something more than this lonely solitary life, I had to fight every second to keep from going back to her. To beg on my knees for forgiveness. Even if I went back now, I could never undo the damage my lies had done. I had betrayed her in the worst way possible.

Lost to my misery, the faint sound of a key turning in the lock of the front door barely registered until it was almost too late. I stood and silently stepped across the carpet to the edge of the door. Standing in the front doorway was a woman, alone, shaking out an umbrella and folding it up before stepping inside onto the tile of the foyer. Her scent wafted toward me on the slight muggy breeze that swept through the door and down the short hallway. I heard more voices coming up the walkway toward the door. I could make out five distinct voices, one male, one female and… three small children.

Though I was so famished from not hunting in the last two weeks, their arrival was no more than an annoyance to me. They had disturbed my grieving and their combined happy thoughts only irritated me to the point where I wanted to shout out my presence in an attempt to send them running in fear back to their cars.

But, I held my tongue and backing away from the door and their voices, I silently opened the bedroom window, pushed out the screen and crawled out leaving the house behind. I was in my car and traveling down the street at top speed before the realtor had even closed the front door behind them. Glancing at my gas gauge I realized I would need to stop before getting too far out of town.

On the utmost outskirts of town, I finally pulled over to fill the tank with gas. I stood leaning against my car measuring the time I had been away from my beautiful Bella… twelve days, 21 hours, countless minutes and seconds since I had last seen my beloved's exquisite face or smelled her sweet intoxicating floral scent on the slight breeze that sifted through the trees behind her house.

In all that time, I hadn't hunt, I had not fed. I was dangerously pushing my limits. I didn't need to look in a mirror to know that my eyes would be dark bottomless black pits of hunger. Anything or anyone, for that matter, to cross my path would be in serious danger. I would have to seek out some source of food in the desert when nightfall came, maybe a coyote, but I would settle for a rabbit if that were all that crossed my path. It wouldn't be much, but it would have to do until I could find larger, more filling prey.

Off in the distance I heard another car coming down the deserted road. My ears picked up the fact that it didn't sound right, the smooth sound of the engine was constantly interrupted by a nasty sounding knock. I watched as it pulled up and parked next to the side of the building. A dark blue Audi, very similar to the one I had pictured for Bella. A nice little car, fast, good gas mileage, easy and fun to drive. She would have hated it only because it would have been an expensive gift. However, nothing would have pleased me more than to give it to her.

As the thick dark clouds that threatened more rain moved slowly overhead, I looked down the road that stretched out ahead of me, not wanting to see the driver as she got out of her car. Not wanting to be tempted in any way by the sight of her even though her thoughts drifted through my mind.

I can't believe this! The one time I forget my cell phone… just so unbelievable!

Her fragrance wafted toward me on the wind, a sweet spicy cinnamon and earth smell hit my nose for just a second before she rounded the corner of the building out of the path of the breeze. I inhaled it, tasted it in the back of my already burning throat…

Nothing like Bella's but… still so tempting.

It stirred up my ravenous hunger, and then… it was gone.

Stop it. Don't think about it. Don't look at her. She is not Bella.

Hearing her sandals scuff across the gravel parking lot, I couldn't stop my head from turning in her direction. I watched with hungry eyes as she pulled the door of the station's convenience store open and stepped inside.

I was immediately struck by the color of her hair. It was so close to the dark mahogany brown that surrounded Bella's perfect face, though a bit shorter. My eyes quickly traveled down her form before the door slid shut. She was wearing a lime green short-sleeved blouse and denim shorts. She stood at about he same height as Bella, but her hips were a little fuller as were her legs. Her flesh was tanned, but only a few shades darker than Bella's pale translucent skin.

Not really wanting to, but unable to make myself stop, I continued to stare at the door waiting for her to come out just to catch a glimpse of her face. Would she have any resemblance to my beloved?

It doesn't matter. Just fill the tank and leave. Leave before I do something …

My sensitive ears picked up the conversation that was taking place inside the store…

"Hi, do you have a payphone I could use?"

"Nope, it's busted."

"Oh, well, something's wrong with my car so is there any way I could use your phone to call for a tow truck."

"Nope. Can't do that."

"But, I …"

"Sorry, lady, but I can't. Why don't you ask that guy out there if he's got a cell phone?"

Her frustrated thoughts came to me …

Oh come on! I can't believe this guy! Like I'm going to walk up to a total stranger and ask to use his phone. I'm just calling triple A for heaven's sakes!

Just then, she stepped through the door and my twisted brain formed the features of her face into the familiar countenance of the my only love…

Bella…?

I knew my eyes betrayed my questioning thought as the face of the stranger looked directly at me. Her light colored eyes caught mine for just one second before she lowered her head and began to walk toward her car.

Stop being afraid of your shadow and just go ask him. It's not like he's gonna bite you.

With that one small thought, cold hysterical laughter threatened to erupt from deep within me. Though no sound escaped my lips, a red-eyed monster was laughing maniacally inside.

Yes, you should be afraid.

I felt as if I were being torn in two as the part of me that had already sunk into a deep state of despondency found it heartrendingly ironic that such a thought should cross her mind.

My eyes followed her every movement as she continued to walk toward her car. Just then, as she stepped past the corner of the building, the breeze picked up her scent and blew it my way once more.

Against my better judgment, I greedily inhaled her earthly cinnamon fragrance and the taste as it flowed over my tongue hit me even harder than before. The venom that flowed into my mouth did nothing to dispel the fire that had blazed up even hotter in my throat. I had reached my limit, gone too long without filling my body with what I needed. I was beyond simple hunger or thirst… I was starving.

I stood staring at her as all my vampire instincts began to take control. Suddenly, the handle from the gas pump shut off automatically, startling me back to the moment. She stopped in front of her car, stood with her back to me, her arms crossed in front of her.

Just get over it already.

Her thought was so out of context I wasn't at all sure what she was thinking about.

Wrenching my eyes from her, I reached around, removed the nozzle from my gas tank and placed it back in its cradle on the pump. Turning to replace my gas cap, I could hear her light footsteps as they moved over the gravel and turned to see that instead of staying near her car, which was the safest place for her, she was in fact heading directly to the spot where I stood, frozen, watching her approach.

No, please, don't come near me. Just get in the car. Now!

Her eyes nervously looked at her surroundings until she was within only a few paces from where I stood. Her thoughts were filled with annoyance at the store clerk until she was close enough to brave looking directly at my face. Unfortunately, she was too preoccupied with what she wanted from me to sense the real danger she was in. However, the second her eyes locked onto mine, she began to falter for words.

"Hi, I…" Her breath caught as she stared at my face. Oh my gosh…his eyes…

"Can I help you?" What are you doing?

"I… I was wondering if you have a cell phone I could borrow for a minute. There's something wrong with my car and I just need to call for a tow." A beautiful pink blush pooled slowly into her cheeks with each word she spoke. "The guy behind the counter won't let me use his." She pointed back toward the store.

I fought the urge to reach out and touch her flushed cheek with my fingertips. Looking into her eyes, I realized they were completely different from Bella's dark warm pools of liquid brown. This girl's eyes were a deep clear azure blue and with only a few feet between us, her scent sank into me, filling me with her spicy exotic aroma. Nothing at all like Bella's sweet floral fragrance, but… still so very hard to resist.

A battle between right and wrong brewed within my head and my body.

No. Just say no. Get in the car and drive away…now. Don't look at her. Just get away.

I tried to will my body to move. To turn my face from her or at the very least close my eyes and stop breathing, but my body refused to listen. I felt the muscles in my face loosen and curve upward on their own.

Oh please don't! Don't do this!

But, I did.

I smiled a most dazzling smile and watched as her eyes glazed over slightly. With that smile, the part of me that fought so desperately to not succumb to my vampire instincts and desires had lost.

I would take her.

"Absolutely." My lips moved and a silky hypnotic voice emanated from me. As my brain screamed at me to stop, to look away, my hand reached into my pocket, withdrew my phone and held it out to her. Her eyes drifted down to the little silver device in the middle of my palm, somewhat breaking the spell I had put on her.

It's just a phone. She thought as she took in a ragged breath. "Thank you." Her hand seemed to move in slow motion as she took the phone, flipped it opened and stood with her eyes fixed on the little screen before remembering something important.

The number? I need the number. "I need the number. My card is in the car." It was if she were speaking to herself. Then her eyes drifted slowly back up to mine. Once again, my smile caught her off guard and lowered all her defenses to my charms. Still my internal battle raged on…

Don't follow her. Let her make her call and leave. Just don't follow her!

However, the pain of my thirst was so overwhelming, so debilitating, I seemed to have no control whatsoever over the monster that I had kept hidden for so long. I would follow her every step of the way whether I wanted to or not.

She turned and walked slowly, moving almost in a trance-like state toward her car and I followed silently behind her, watching her, smelling her, needing to taste her and fill the agonizing emptiness inside, desperately wanting to ease the excruciating pain that steadily grew within my chest.

Her keys jingled merrily in her hand as she reached the passenger side door. Just as she turned to place her key in the lock, my body took total control of my actions and I attacked. Pushing her back against the wall I pressed my stone cold body along hers relishing the feel of her warmth through my clothing. She was so fragile, so weak as she struggled hopelessly against my preternatural strength, only increasing my insatiable need to take her that much more.

Her mouth came open in an attempt to scream, but I looked into her eyes, locking her in my gaze, dazzling her into submission once more.

Please…

"Shhh." I whispered and she immediately obeyed. Her deep clear blue eyes glazed over as I used my power to the fullest to calm and subdue her.

Venom continued to flow into my mouth as my empty stomach ached to be filled, to feel her sweet innocent blood flow over my tongue and down my throat, to drown my sorrow in what would pour so easily from her.

I caged her between my arms as I braced my forearms against the rough stucco wall.

"Close your eyes." I whispered. Her blue eyes spoiled the illusion I was so desperately trying to create. The illusion of Bella pressed against my body, wanting me as much as I wanted her.

She did as I commanded. Lacing my fingers in her soft hair, I closed my eyes and held the face of my beloved in my mind. I traced the features of the girls face with my icy thumbs pretending she was my only love, that I could feel her smooth velvet-like skin once more. Moving one hand lower to her neck, I tilted her head ever so slightly to the side exposing the length of her soft throat to my teeth.

Leaning in closer, I breathed in her sweet earthy cinnamon aroma as my nose traveled across her cheek to her neck where I could feel the heat of her thick blood pulsing frantically under her flesh. My power had wiped her mind of all thought, she was a blank canvas, frozen, not able to form a single thought even of fear, though her body seemed to know how to react on it's own as it shuddered under my cold touch. Her scent had become richer, but not overwhelmingly so.

Why I had given in to my instincts was beyond any comprehension. I should have been able to resist her without much effort but…I was so thirsty, so hungry, so wanting…

So out of control.

My teeth would pierce her tender flesh and sink deep into the vein flooding my mouth and body with a taste I had denied myself for far too many years.

Just this one time and then …What? I'll get it out of my system? The craving for what I desire above all else will be gone? Just this one and I'll go back to living the way I have for so many years? No! This one innocent girl will not be the end! A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I tried to justify my actions. But… What would it matter?

What difference would it make if I were to take what I so desperately desired, what I needed? With this girl's death, I knew I could never face Carlisle or any other member of my family again. I was weak and nothing more than a bloodsucking monster. I also knew that the blood of this human girl would never quench the fire that had burned in me for the last 8 months. Would never abate the flames of hunger and desire that caused me physical pain from the moment I met Bella Swan and each second after. This girl's innocent blood would only ease my hunger, but never my pain. Only one person in the world possessed what I needed to end my miserable suffering, and it was not only her blood, but also her love that I needed.

I brushed my lips over the strangers' soft skin picturing only Bella's face in my mind, wishing the scent that enveloped me at that very moment were hers and hers alone. Bella's beautiful features changed before my closed eyelids. The angelic face in my mind suddenly became a grimacing mask of pain. A sob rose up and escaped me as I saw the tears that ran in streams down her pale cheeks.

Suddenly, I heard my tiny cell phone vibrate within the girls clenched fist. I ripped it from her palm before it had finished the first set of vibrations. In this hesitation, I heard her mind come back to her and two desperate words passed my ear in a faint whisper…

"Please…don't"

My head snapped up, my eyes locking on hers—her azure eyes stared at me, open and filled with cold terror. Her tears had begun to fall and drip from the edge of her chin spilling onto her blouse. Reflected in her blue eyes was the mask of a fiend, someone I had buried so carefully for so many years. The face of the monster Bella had seen on her first day in Forks. Recoiling from the sight of her horrified face, I stumbled back against her car, wrapping my arms around my waist as my empty stomach cramped with such force I crumpled to my knees.

What is wrong with me?

My phone vibrated once more in my hand, barely shaking me from my paralyzing pain. With trembling fingers, I grabbed the door of the Audi and pulled myself up. Sensations I had not felt in months took hold of me, frightening me beyond belief. The last time I remembered feeling this way I was in this very city, kneeling down next to the broken and bloody body of my beloved Bella.

Scenes of that horrible day flashed through my head at lightning speed. What James had done to Bella was torture. Nevertheless, any form of torment was still torture, which, in my ravenous state was exactly what I had just done.

No! I can't…

Visibly shaking, I stood trying to stop my head from spinning dizzily, and with the dizziness came the feeling that if there had been anything in my stomach it would have spewed from my mouth at that very moment.

Petrified against the wall, frozen with fear, the girl stood unable even to cry out, but her thoughts raced through my head, piercing my brain in their frantic urgency…

Please don't…please don't…please don't

Her heart was pounding like the beating of a drum in my ears. Her breath was not much more than a racing pant. Looking into her face, I could see how much I had frightened her.

I could smell it on her. I had done this.

I didn't need to bite her to kill her, I had scared her almost to death. I was no better than any other human animal that would attack her in a darkened alley. Though I would never rape her body in the sexual sense of the word, I would have raped her soul. In that sense, I was no better than James was.

This is not me. This is not who I am. What happened to the man who is so hopelessly and irrevocably in love? The man who ran from that love to avoid the darkness of this very temptation?

"I'm so sorry." The words fell from my mouth with the utmost sincerity and remorse, but they were lost on her ears.

I raced to my car not caring in the least that she or anyone else might have seen me—with the speed in which I moved, it would only look as if I had disappeared in front of her eyes. I started the Vanquish and peeled out into the wet deserted street, the back end of my car fish tailing dangerously on the slick surface of the highway.

Driving north until I reached a desolate remote area, I pulled my car over to the side of the road, spraying gravel out into the scrub. Sliding out of the leather seat, I fell to my knees once again and yelled to the gray clouds and colorless sky…

"BELLA!"

I surrendered to my pain, to the endlessness of my broken heart, to the glorious sadness that crushed me. I surrendered to the realization that I would never be free, I would forever and always love her beyond all time and space and as long as I existed, I would never love another. If I searched from now until the sun burned this pitiful planet to a cinder, I would never find her equal and… I would never try.

Falling back against my car, I sat down on the hard gravel.

Why am I still here? What is left for me when I am nothing without her?

Again, I contemplated all the reasons why I could never go back to her, why I could never be within the same state. My presence would draw monsters to her like a magnet. Not only the ancient monsters and their minions from across the sea, but other monsters she had no idea existed along side us.

Once more, my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out and stared at the name…Alice. She would have seen the whole scenario played out in her mind. She would have seen my head long plunge from grace to the deepest depths of my own personal hell.

"Leave me alone, damn it." I snarled at the tiny phone in between sobs. "It won't happen again so stop watching me." I growled as I threw the phone over my shoulder through the open door of my car.

I couldn't go home, I had no home to go to now. My family had retreated to Denali, to Tanya's home as I had asked, but I couldn't join them there. In leaving my beloved Bella behind, I chose this life of solitude. I would not burden my family with my loneliness, my hopelessness.

I sat in the gravel on the side of the road with the sickening odor from the creosote bushes penetrating my nose and throat. It was so much stronger after the rain, a nasty thick odor of pine and tar that seemed to coat the inside of my throat. I stood, brushed myself off and climbed back into my car, slamming the door much harder than necessary. My cell phone was vibrating once again and I wondered how many miles I could travel before wanting to pitch it out the window and disappear from my family without a word forever.

Reaching around the passenger seat, I found my phone. Flipping it open, Carlisle's name flashed on the screen. Would Alice use his phone as a ploy knowing I would think twice before ignoring a call from him? Still, it would give me a chance to explain why I had not joined them and why I would most likely stay as far from them as possible. I knew I would break Esme's heart even more than I already had, but Carlisle would understand and welcome me back when and if I ever drifted into their lives again. I would promise to keep in touch by phone and to never be without it in case of an emergency, something so unforeseen that they would feel the need to get in touch with me. But the thought of being in their presence, of being within any distance where their thoughts could invade my mind or tempt me to listen, was something I didn't know if I could ever do again.

My thumb slid over and pressed the little green send button, then I held it to my ear and spoke rapidly not wanting to let whomever was on the other end to speak until I had my say.

"I'm sorry, but I can't join you yet. I need some time to myself, to …"

"Victoria was here!" Alice's frightened voice rang loud and clear over the little earpiece. "She was here and now she's gone! We have to go back to Forks and take Bella away. We have to protect her!"

Rage and fear I had not felt since James had attacked my beloved coursed through me. Though I really didn't wish to know the details of Bella's death, I needed to hear every one of them so I may have a chance, how ever slim, to save her life once more from one of my kind.

"What have you seen?" I put my car in gear and pulled onto the road flooring the accelerator. There was silence on the line. "Alice?" My stomach twisted in fear. Was it so horrible that she was afraid to tell me? Was I already too late to save my precious Bella?

"I haven't seen anything… yet. My visions of Bella are cloudy. I swear I haven't been trying to see her Edward, but when I do catch glimpses of her, I can't really see anything. I… just have a really bad feeling."

"Which way was Victoria headed?" I waited and again there was silence from Alice's end.

"I don't know." She sighed sounding completely defeated.

It was the last thing I had expected to hear come from Alice's lips. I don't know. Instead of feeling as confused as Alice, I only became angry.

"What the hell do you mean you don't know? Damn it, Alice! Do you have the slightest clue how hard this is for me? Can you for just one second understand how horrible I feel, how completely dead I am inside? How I wish every second that passes were my last?" I heard her gasp and begin to sob.

"Edward, please don't say that."

Oh God! Do I really feel that way? Do I really wish so desperately to put an end to my misery? No… as long as Bella is alive, I will suffer and once she leaves this earth to go on to a place I may never see, then I will follow and pray that Carlisle is correct in his belief that there is a merciful God to answer to.

There was only one thing I could do to protect my love without breaking my promise to never darken her door again. "Alice, please listen to me… if I am to help Bella, you will need to help me."

"I understand."

"I need you to search your visions looking for any place where I may run across Victoria's path."

"Edward, you are not a tracker." I could hear the words as they crossed the smile I knew she was wearing.

"Could you just have a little bit of faith in your big brother?" I wished that I could return the smile I heard, but my cold stone face refused to curve in any upward direction. The next smile I would wear would come only from the satisfaction of looking down at Victoria's ashes at my feet.

"I'll do what I can. Edward… we miss you." Her voice was so full of love it made me ache inside.

"And I miss all of you." After closing my phone, I placed it on the seat next to mine.

Now I had a purpose. Something worth doing to keep my mind from traveling into the dangerous realms of homicide and suicide. I could do this. I would track Victoria down and put an end to her. Then, Bella would truly be safe. The odds of another vampire running across her scent were astronomical, especially when the beasts that protected the area near Forks may still be around. All I could do now was wait to hear from Alice and drive.