Okay, I'm here to set the record straight for all you damn fangirls.

First if all, my name is Edward Elric, but the beauty of the internet is that even if I say that, you can't find me if I don't tell you any more. I could be in Antarctica for all you know, freezing my ass off just to tell you all this. So you better pay attention!

First of all, being a State Alchemist is not all fun and games. You act like you understand by saying, "Oh yeah, but I can handle blood and gore." No. You can't. You can't possibly understand how hard it is to deal with that by a little cartoon with blood in the streets and a boy with blond hair going "But we're going to get through this! Right, Al?"

Wipe that happy little cartoon boy from your mind.

Have you ever seen a dead opossum in the middle of the road? An opossum that had been so horribly mangled that you thought it was a hat before you noticed the blood coating its fur? An opossum that was just so disgusting you nearly puked when you looked at it? Now multiply that feeling by about a thousand and you're starting to get close to how I felt when I saw 'Mom.'

And you better know what I'm talking about, or else you better be questioning your fangirliness.

That's right, I'm not just some happy little cartoon that deals with all the problems thrown at him with a smile on his face and never gives up. And I wouldn't fall in love with any OC you throw at me after about five chapters. Chapter One: Ed meets OC and immediately realizes feelings for her. Chapter Two: Ed confesses to OC that he attempted human transmutation. OC is shocked but still treats him the same way. Chapter Three: Ed ends up blushing from something to do with OC in some way, shape, or form. Chapter Four: Not so subtle flirting between Ed and OC. Chapter Five: Intense make-out scene.

Come on. Who do you think you're kidding with this crap? Yeah, I would tell a girl all my secrets after only knowing her for one chapter. Really. Sitting a girl down and telling her "Okay, this is why I have automail," really wins her heart.

Well, maybe it would, it's not like I've ever tried it. Maybe girls would like that because of the whole "I love Honesty" thing.

Yeah, right.

"Hey, just to let you know, I once tried to bring back my mother and ended up getting a horrible monster that made me pee in my pants instead. (pause) This won't throw off our relationship at all, will it?"

Oh, and then there's all you girls that make me confess to Winry of my undying love in the first chapter.

Ha!

"Winry, just to let you know, I have always loved you. Even though you're always throwing wrenches at me and threatening to hurt me on a regular basis… Now, about my automail. You see, there was this guy called 'Scar…'"

Now, even if I were to tell her I loved her, let's think. Would I really do it in the first chapter? Sure, I've known her for a while, but I knew her for a while in the anime too, and there were 51 episodes on that. 51! And then a movie to top that off! So say you're watching all the episodes without commercials and then watching the movie afterwards. That's about 1,140 minutes of FMA, and is there one kiss between me and Winry? No. And then you decide that you're so special and you're going to write an EdWin fanfic, and end up making us kiss in the first chapter.

So if one of your chapters was about equivalent to an episode of the real thing, then that means you accomplished in 20 minutes what SquareEnix couldn't in 57 times that amount.

Bravo.

Al's the one who's constantly asking for more attention with the girls, and who gets all the romance fanfics? Me. And they aren't even all girls. Oh no.

Let's see, first there's all those Roy and Ed pairings. As if pairing me with a guy isn't bad enough, you got to pair me with him? Were you not paying attention during FMA? I. DO. NOT. LIKE. HIM. Let's get that straight, people.

No, there are no feelings hidden beneath the anger I show every time he calls me to his office. No, I do not pray and hope that he feels the same way about me. No, I do not secretly have desires to grab him and kiss those tender lips.

Ew.

And I thought EdWin was bad enough. Royai is just… bleh.

And don't get me started on Edvy. Nngh. I am trying to kill him, and you take it to mean that I secretly want to-

Let's not go there. Really. Are you guys even trying or are you just making all your wildest fantasies with FMA come true in the closest way possible? It's either "Let's make Ed the perfect boyfriend!" or "Let's see how much we can screw Ed up!" I've gone to the modern world, had people from the modern world come to my world, been an old man married for forty-some years, stopped the marriage of Roy and Riza because I loved Riza, gotten cancer, had Scar break my automail leg, died countless times, had children, gone to church to confess of my sins to god…

Looking at all of this, I can pretty much safely assume I'm Superman.

And then you had to drag poor Al into it too. He's had a crush on Riza, gotten addicted to Ebay, married Winry, gotten so many kittens he could start a kitten sanctuary, and become human again just "Because he's so adorable as a human!"

Well, if it was that easy, why is there even a story?

"Al, you were so much cuter when you weren't a giant suit of armor."

Poof!

"You did it, Brother! I'm human again!"

Which reminds me…

There are also those of you who choose to do the pairing of me and Al. That's just wrong. What kind of sick twisted minds do you have?! Are brothers not even allowed to say "I love you" without someone else going, "Oh, they're gay!"

He's my brother, for Pete's sake. Jeez. You fangirls look into every single tiny movement and decide that it is really masking our feelings of love. Yes, I love my brother. No, not like that, you pervert!

I am an Alchemist. I am not your "boy toy," and if you tell me to do something, chances are, I won't do it. Maybe because I have a good reason, maybe because I don't feel like it, or maybe because I just want to tick you off.

Yes, I am a teenager. I do have hormones. But just like almost all other teenagers out there, I have no clue what I'm doing. Do you really think that just because I can fight a few bad guys I can run up to a girl and ask her out because I think she is pretty? (Yes I do think some girls are pretty. Get over it.)

Yeah, I've seen some of the less pretty sides of life. But that doesn't mean I'm perfect. My palm gets sweaty. I have armpit hair. Even though I've personally seen how nasty the seven deadly sins can be, I still commit them from time to time. Sometimes I think I might need depression medicine. I've had the occasional thought of what might happen if it committed suicide. And if I had the time to, I might even obsess over cars and rock bands. I don't know who I am most of the time. (But at least I don't have to deal with grown-ups asking me what I want to be when I grow up) I wonder what the hell is going on with my body. I play air guitar when nobody's looking. I want to fit in and be accepted.

The truth is, I'm just a normal teenager with a dark past. But don't all teenagers have some sort of dark past? Don't all teenagers feel like they are "different" from everybody else?

So why do you have to obsess over me? Why can't you just obsess over someone like that guy in your Algebra class?

Because he would probably think you're creepy. Mm-hm. And I, good, sweet, loving, Edward Elric would not?

Another one to add to the list: I don't get girls.

Note: If you recognize a fanfic Ed referred as one of yours, that probably means I read it. (well, duh) But just because Ed doesn't like it doesn't mean I don't like it. In fact, I think all the ones I referred to are ones that I liked, since they stuck around in my head. So to put it simply, if you see your fanfic in there, then congrats! I read it, and I liked it enough to have it stick around in my head for a few months.

So I was thinking of adding some more ramblings of Ed to the fangirls, but I'm not really sure. I want to hear what all you people think before I go on cuz I'm not sure… I like rambling as Ed or Al – it's fun and you really get to learn their character better. I still haven't tried rambling as Roy though. That could be fun. But I'm getting off subject here. Tell me what you thought of this, and we'll see where it goes from there. Kay? Kay.