Title: Goodbye
Pairing: Ed x Alfons
Genre: Romance/Tragedy
Rating: PG
Note: This is heavily inspired by the song "I believe" by Blessed Union of Souls (which was playing nonstop as I wrote this), though the story itself sorta strayed from what I wanted it to be, I am really, really REALLY proud of this. I think this is the best EdxHei that I've ever done…sappy though it is. Thank you to caitlinneko who betaed this for me as I was writing it :3
I believe
That love is the Answer…
I believe
That love will find a way…
Blessed Union of Souls, "I Believe"
He knew he wasn't always going to be there, but he reached out anyway. He reached out his hand and latched on, holding onto it for dear life.
"Edward…"
"The hell is THIS?"
That smile. It killed him every single time. The way those blue eyes sparkled, and how he tilted his head to the side, letting those strands fall down over his face…it was almost innocent, though Edward knew that deep in the man's heart he wasn't all that innocent at all. Not when it came down to it…
But he stared at the book in his hands, and the smiling man holding it out.
"You should write your thoughts down." He spoke in a soft, gentle tone. "You've been through a lot, but you don't open up to anybody. It's not good to leave it alone for long, or else it might hurt."
"I'm not a damn girl." Ed scowled, clenching his fist. "I don't need a fucking diary."
"At least try it." Alfons urged, voice still soft. "It might help a little."
It was hard to say no to that smile.
Even if he wanted to…
He knew that he would be gone…why did he even bother? He shouldn't have even opened that book up, but he did anyway. It was hard to understand…what he was feeling back then. Why he had picked up the pen and used it in the first place.
It was stupid.
Silly.
He knew his own story—nobody from this world would understand it, really. It was pointless to try to get anyone else to listen, to know…
But he wrote anyway, letting his fingers fly over the paper…
"So what possessed you to give me this damn thing, anyway?"
Alfons blinked, looking up over the paper. "What? You don't like it?"
"That's not what I asked."
"I told you before, Edward…"
"I know you're not that fucking simple. Come on, Alfons. Tell me."
But he said nothing…just that soft, sad smile. He looked out towards the window, blue eyes staring at something that Ed himself didn't understand, couldn't see…beyond the streets, and beyond the people that were walking in them…
"I just…I just thought that you might want to tell your story. So that you'll never be forgotten."
If only he'd known why he had looked like that sooner.
He had grasped.
Alfons had caught him.
It was a strange feeling…being close to another person. Clutching to them, feeling their warmth…needing them.
It was like a hunger that never seemed to go away.
Alfons touched his lips, dazed; now he'd done it—he had screwed things up. The man was only staring at his hands, and then absent-mindedly rubbing at that soft mouth of his. He wasn't even looking at Edward, almost like he wasn't even there at all.
Ed felt like an asshole.
It had been a simple thing—he just spun the man around, kissing him in the kitchen. He didn't know what possessed him to do it, but he did it—relishing the feeling of sheer contact, but just the same fearing the worst.
He didn't want to be pushed away.
He didn't want to be pushed away…
"Edward…" It was quiet…a whisper. Ed barely heard it.
"Y-yeah?"
"…You too?"
The question was timid…unsure, shy. Typical emotionally-clumsy Alfons.
He didn't know why, but he took that as the invitation to kiss him again.
Was that the right thing to do?
Hell if he knew.
He still wasn't sure what he was doing then, what he did after that and what he was doing now. Everything was happening so fast…Nothing made sense but everything made sense at the same time.
It was something new…
Something he wasn't used to.
It made him dizzy sometimes…scared him in others.
"Hey Edward…"
"Mmm…what? Go t'sleep."
"Do you think this is love?"
Edward had sat up then, staring down at the younger man as he still laid down, languid and naked under fresh white sheets.
"The hell did that come from?"
"I just…" Alfons let out a bit of a laugh, though he didn't move…rather staring up at the ceiling. It was strange to look at him…his face and eyes were illuminated by tiny slivers of moonlight, floating through the window…
If he was more of a romantic, he would have called him beautiful.
"Just what? You don't just suddenly come out and talk about something like love."
"I just wonder if this could last forever."
He looked down at him…blinked.
Was he crying?
No—that had to be his imagination.
"Y'know what, Alfons?"
"Hmm, Edward?"
"I think you're too fucking sappy for your own good. If it's love, it's love, but nothing lasts forever. We just have to cling to what we have while it lasts."
Alfons said nothing…even smiled a bit.
Edward may have rolled over on his side, facing away from Alfons…
But he was perfectly fine with the taller man holding him from behind that night.
Clinging…desperate, grasping. Words were written on the pages, and more words were spilled from clumsy lips than he even cared to remember…soft touches and faint whispers all easing themselves into the wind and floating away…
Blood.
That's all he could think of, sitting on the stairs, watching him. Alfons was standing in front of him and dammit there was blood pouring from his lips…
"You say this world's not yours," Alfons growled, "But it is mine and I want to leave proof that I lived in it!"
Blood…
He was bleeding…
He was 'running out of time'.
Alfons…
He was dying…
He had thought this would last forever, no matter what he had said to Alfons that night. Forever and a day, until they had to part.
Every time he had pictured it…it would be his fault.
His dumbass fault and selfishness…
He would tell him that he was sorry, and even though Alfons was being left behind…
Every single time Edward was the one left crying.
But one thought had always popped up to the front of his mind, every time these images had come to surface…
Maybe he could take him home?
No…
Not with him.
There was no way. The Gate wouldn't accept them both—he knew that.
But…
He could be selfish enough to dream.
But…
Alfons…he was…
"Edward! What are you doing?! Let me down!"
"Shut up, Alfons!"
Straps…tied. Buckles…fastened. The ties were all done and he was tied down—there was no way for him to escape…no matter how much he struggled. And Alfons was doing just that…struggling.
"Edward, this is crazy! Let me out!"
"You think I'm gonna fucking let you out of your only chance to…"
"I have no chance, Edward!" Alfons growled, struggling more in the restraints, pasty face glowing a soft red with exertion… "I'm out of time, but you're going to skip out of your only chance to go home for"
"Because I fucking love you, all right?! So shut up and stay in there!"
Alfons stared at him, eyes wide.
He couldn't say anything…couldn't do anything…
He was so weak.
Had to say what the man had longed to hear at the last minute, because he was a coward.
He was…
Scared.
He was so scared…
"Edward…you…"
"My world should have the medical care needed to get you on your feet again…" He was mumbling things…lots of things, running his hands along the cockpit and the fasteners, just for an excuse to touch the man who he would never touch again.
He would never see him again…
"Edward, you don't have to do this…Even if I died…and you went home…that would be enough. Seeing you happy is enough."
"But I'm a selfish asshole and I'm not going to let you die." Ed growled, gold eyes meeting blue, locked with them.
"Edward…"
He didn't want to do it.
He didn't want to say goodbye…
"Now shut up and fucking kiss me."
Alfons didn't have to be asked.
Desperation…fear…happiness…sadness…every emotion and more was brought out between them, mingling between their lips as hands clung and mouths attacked, desperate for an edge even if they couldn't have an edge at all.
He didn't want to do it.
He didn't want to do it, dammit…
He had slipped the notebook in the cockpit when Alfons wasn't looking—slipped it in that impossibly large pants pocket of his that seemed to go on forever…indulged in the kiss, he knew that Alfons wouldn't notice until it was too late.
He would hear his story.
Edward backed away…
Dammit…
"So long."
He backed away more…
"Edward? Edward, WAIT!!!"
Flying…didn't he say that he wanted to do just that? Straight to the stars…to another world.
Too bad…
That he couldn't fly with him.
He stared up towards the gate…the yellowy mass that would have taken him home otherwise…the rocket flying out of existence, out of sight…into a place where he would get the help he needed…
Where he could live.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Alfons Heiderich…
He would live.
He would be happy.
He had no regrets…
He knew Al was alive…And now Alfons would be alive too.
That was enough.
With that knowledge…he would bear anything.
Goodbye…
"…I love you."