I Never Wanted to Be a Wizard

This is a re-post of an old story of mine, because the old one was… just bad. Apparently I couldn't follow a tune at ALL when I was 14. Or use proper grammar. Brr. If you liked the old version, this one fixed the lines in the original that didn't work with the melody (Sort of…), and added something like 27 more witty dialogue. Yeah.

At any rate, this is a Harry Potter/Monty Python's Flying Circus crossover, and I'm sure that any Python buffs out there will be able to recognize the skits I based it on. If you're a HP fan who's only seen Holy Grail, you're kind of out of luck. Sorry. Go watch something else. Enrich your minds.

Although it's not romantic in the slightest, this is still a Draco/Ginny fic and therefore contains wild mischaracterizations. You've all been warned. Also, for the purposes of this fic, Pigwidgeon belongs to Ginny.

Disclaimer: I own neither the Harry Potter characters used in this fic, nor the pair of Monty Python skits I cribbed from. All the new lyrics are mine, though.

Ginny Weasly looked up from her waffles as a flurry of owls swooped into the Great Hall. As they peeled off from the main blob, she noticed a ridiculously small owl heading toward her table. It was almost directly over the table when,

"Stupefy!" A jet of light rocketed at the tiny gray owl, hitting it with a burst of sparks. It plummeted soundlessly, barely missing Ginny's goblet of orange juice. She whirled in the general direction the spell had come from. Across the Hall, she could just make out Draco Malfoy, laughing with his goons as he tucked something long and wooden away in his pocket.

Grabbing the stunned owl, she stomped over to the Slytherin table. She threw the owl at Draco, who looked up with a too-innocent expression.

"Now, whatever was that for?" he drawled, "You don't think I actually WANT your pathetic owl, do you, Weasley?"

"I know you stunned Pig, you git!"

"I wouldn't waste my time on that—pig, as you called it. Besides, the stupid thing isn't stunned, it's sleeping. Terribly incompetent to fall asleep on the job like that." He kept his face an utter deadpan, biting the inside of his lip to keep from smirking.

"Sleeping? SLEEPING? I saw your stunner hit it, Malfoy."

"You must have been mistaken," Draco said, unable to contain his nasty smile any longer. "That owl is obviously asleep."

"I'll... show... you... asleep... you... lousy...slimy...disgusting..." Ginny punctuated every word by slamming (the still stunned) Pigwidgeon beak-first into his head.

He finally held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "You can have my muffin." She blinked confusedly as he held out a blueberry muffing.

"Whaat?"

"Since your owl is so lazy, I'll trade you for my muffin."

"Are you saying you want to eat Pigwidgeon?"

"Ew. No," Draco replied, wrinkling his nose. "I mean… you've touched it. Ew. But, see, your lazy owl is basically worthless, so this is a really good trade."

"Can you muffin deliver mail?" Ginny asked furiously, dropping Pig with a slight thud.

"Well, ah, no, not exactly."

"Can it fly?"

"Of course." Draco cocked his arm and threw the muffin across the Great Hall. A random Ravenclaw yelled in protest as it hit him in the back of the head.

"That has got to be the most pathetic excuse for a flying muffin I have ever seen."

"Tell that to your sleeping owl.," he replied smugly. Ginny sighed resignedly.

"Look, we've been through this, you complete git! You. Stunned. Him."

"Oh, really? I thought we agreed that I wanted to eat him." Draco paused, then looked around conspiratorially and whispered, "Can I tell you a secret?"

"Is it that you're on some sort of drug? Because, y'know, that would explain a lot."

Draco appeared to consider this for a moment, then replied cheerfully, "Nope! And just so we're clear, I don't want to eat your owl."

"Then you're secretly in love with Harry Potter?"

"Gross. No. Never say that again. No, my secret is that I never wanted to be a wizard!"

He stood up, knocking his chair over, and ripped his school robes away, revealing a light blue button-down shirt, dark blue pants, and a matching tie with a laminated ID clipped to it. He spoke again, this time much more loudly: "I wanted to be a night watchman."

"You mean a security guard?"

"No, a night watchman!" Draco grabbed a walkie-talkie from behind his breakfast plate and walked away from Ginny, into what looked the parking lot of a deserted warehouse. "The sole protector of all I see! The guardian of the night! Bringing justice to the late late hours! With my best girl by my side," He ran back into the Great Hall, grabbed Ginny by the wrist, and pulled her into the dark parking lot that had just...appeared somehow. "I'd sing, sing, sing!" While stirring background music sprung up in the background, various Slytherins dressed like bank robbers sidled in to stand behind him. He took a deep breath.

"I'm a night watchman and I'm okay. I work all night and I sleep all day!"

"He's a night watchman and he's okay. He works all night and he sleeps all day." The Slytherin chorus echoed, surprisingly on-key.

"I look for crooks, I take short naps, I play with my ID. I always bring a night light, so no monsters bother me!"

"He looks for crooks, he takes short naps, he plays with his ID. He always brings a night light, so no monsters bother himee." The Slytherins sang in a vain attempt to make that last part rhyme. "He's a night watchman and he's okay. He works all night and he sleeps all day."

"I look for crooks, I skip and jump, I throw small rocks at cars. I put on women's clothing, and brush my hair for hours."

"He looks for crooks, he skips and jumps, he throws small rocks at cars. He puts on women's clothing, and brushes his hair... for... hours?" Some of the Slytherins' voices faltered, and they gave each other confused looks before becoming suddenly peppy. "He's a night watchman and he's okay. He works all night and he sleeps all day."

"I look for crooks, I use lipstick, eye shadow and some blush. I should have been a girlie, 'cause I'm sure pretty enough!"

"He looks for crooks, he uses lipstick... eye shadow, and some...blush??" All the Slytherins stopped this time, giving Draco strange looks. He took no notice, and finished by himself.

"I should have been a girlieeeeeeee 'casueI'msureprettyenough!" Ginny stepped away from him, appalled.

"You SHOULD have been a girl, you nasty freak! Unfortunately, I like men. Find yourself a new "best girl," because I'm leaving you for Pigwidgeon!" She stomped away to go find her owl.

Suddenly, Harry Potter drove into the parking lot in a nondescript blue car. He poked his head out the window and declared, "And now for something completely different."

Ginny turned around at the sound of the car and called out, "Harry, Draco is secretly in love with you!" Harry's face became a mask of disgust.

"Ew, like I'd ever fall in love with a security guard."

Deepest apologies to any Monty Python fans upset that I mutilated the Lumberjack Song, but I didn't just want to recycle the skit wholesale. Plus, Night Watchman was the first three-syllable job I could think of that had a distinct uniform.

This fic was not intended as Draco-bashing. He was just the only character I could get the first part to work around. If you really feel I was bashing him, you're clearly unfamiliar with the Lumberjack Song, and I pity you for that.

Review! Flames will be used to help Draco realize his dream.