Title: Beastly Callings

Rating: Must be an M

Author: darkalbino, illi, me (me, myself, and I)

I know the title and summary SOUND serious, but trust me, this ISN'T a very serious story, AT ALL. Alright this story is going to have a plot...kinda, more humor (much more) than in most of my other stories (especially GTTWS), of course some romance between our favorite couple and slight drama, not really. and at some points, if not most, characters will definitely be OOC, sorry, but that's just the way the gears are cranking in my head for this one. anyway, I do hope everyone enjoys, because I live for feedback.

and if I don't get reviews, they (points to Naruto and Sasuke) don't get to screw.

Sasuke: Hahaha, that's a good one

illi: nope, I'm pretty damn serious

Sasuke: psh, you can't force us not to have sex

illi: I can do whatever the hell I want! I'm the fucking writer!

Sasuke: (snort)

illi: okay then you little emo prick (pulls out pen and paper)

"And Sasuke came out in a frilly pink tutu adorned with large white bows..."

Sasuke: O.o WTF ARE YOU DOING?!

illi: "that smelled of sakura flowers..."

Sasuke: NO!

illi: "only to be molested in an unspeakable manner by an eager green clad ninja..."

Sasuke: OH GOD STOP

illi: "while said green clad ninja's instructor watched and recorded the unfolding scene--"

Sasuke: FUCK! OKAY! YOU WIN! JUST STOP

illi: (grin) thought so

Summary: When a creepy dark man finds Naruto in an unpleasant predicament, Naruto agrees to let him stay at his house in exchange for a little help. But what Naruto doesn't know is that this man, Sasuke, has a very strange, unexpected secret. like a WTF?! kinda secret, SasuNaru

Warnings: meh, if you don't like silly stuff, bad language, lemon(s?) or...Gaara trying to open cookie jars, then leave.

Disclaimer: If I didn't not own Naruto I would totally not not make sasuke and naruto screw each other like rabbits, but since I don't not not own the show nor the characters the fact that I wouldn't not make them fuck the life out of each other is a dream of mine that has yet to be realized. haha, wrap THAT around your head kishimoto!!!

XXXBeastly CallingsXXX

Chapter 1: Freaky People

Etsu continued tapping his fingers rythmatically on the table as Malakai stormed in through the front door. He stared unamusedly at the large, but extremely stupid young man with ragged brown hair and matching eyes.

Etsu paused in his actions and leaned back on the couch, lacing his fingers on his stomach as he watched Malakai take a seat on the table in front of him, who was giving him a blank look.

Etsu's brows crumpled, "Well?"

Malakai blinked, "Well...well what?"

Etsu groaned and combed his fingers through his long black hair, "Tell me he didn't say 'no' again."

"He didn't say no again."

He jumped and his face brightened, "He said yes?!"

The brunette looked confused, "No."

Etsu raised a brow before the sound of a flushing toilet caused his smoky grey eyes to avert in the direction of the bathroom, from which a slender red haired man stepped out. The red head, Brice, dusted off his front and stared at the other two, "What? Can't a guy take piss?"

Etsu scoffed at him and turned his attention back to the brunette, "Then why did you just tell me he didn't say no?!"

"Because you told me to."

The raven growled and smacked Malakai upside the head, "What did he say?! Yes or no?!"

Malakai brought a hand to the abused spot on his head, "Owww...he said 'no', and he also said, if you're that desperate, there's a shop downtown that sells vibrators."

Etsu's eyes darkened, "Did he now?"

"Oh yeah, he said there were all types of colors!" He looked at his hand and began counting the fingers, "Red, blue, green, pink--"

Etsu hit him again, "I don't give a fuck how many different colors they sell!...Besides, I already have all those colors...but this does pose a problem for me."

Brice strode up behind Etsu and placed a hand on his shoulder, "What should we do about it?"

The dark man eyed the palm next to him, "Brice..."

"Yes?"

"Please tell me you washed you washed your hands."

Brice flinched, "Uh...um...whoops."

Etsu made a disgusted noise and shrugged the hand off, "Go wash them you fucking pig, after, get ready to leave, both of you."

Brice hung his head down and slowly walked back to the bathroom, "Yes sir..."

Malakai snickered and glanced up at the raven leader, "Where are we going?"

Etsu smirked and placed his hands on his hips, "Right after I change out of this dirty clothes and set it to burn, we're going to pay our little blonde friend a visit, perhaps we can coax him into changing his mind."

XXXSmutXXX

"Hey hey hey! What-what the hell do you think you're doing?! Don't tie that!" Naruto yelled with frustration as Malakai tied the other end of the rope to the tree branch, leaving Naruto to dangle there helplessly. The blonde struggled against the rope wrapped around his arms and upper body, but his efforts were futile. He glared at Etsu with pure hatred in his eyes, "What the fuck is wrong with you people?! Coming to my house, knocking me out, driving me miles away to the middle of some damn forest and tying me here! I could have all your asses arrested for this!"

Etsu placed a finger under his chin and closed his eyes with a smile, "Now honestly Naruto, it's your own fault, that's twice now that you've rejected my invitation to spend the night together."

Malakai shoved two fingers in front of Naruto's face, "Yeah, not just twice but TWO times!"

Naruto raised a brow and glanced at Etsu, "No, seriously, does he pretend or is he really that stupid?"

"Sadly yes, he is. Now then, I'm offering you one last chance, would you care to spend the night with me?"

"Etsu, I would sooner fuck an eighty year old woman, and I'm into guys." he had to bite his lip from laughing as a look of pure offense crossed the raven's features.

"Fine then, have it your way, you'll just stay there as punishment. If I can't have you, no one will."

Naruto rolled his eyes, it wasn't that he minded sleeping with Etsu. On the contrary, both he and his lackeys were extremely good looking to the bangable point. Hell, he'd have a fucking foursome with them if they weren't all such assholes, "C'mon now, I may be far away but do you really think my friends won't come looking for me?"

Etsu chuckled, "It just so happens that at this very moment, Brice is leaving a letter at your house stating that you've gone away on a trip to visit your sick grandmother and are not sure when you will return."

Naruto stared at him, "...I don't have a grandmother."

Etsu's stance faltered a bit, 'Well...you are not a liar so they'll believe it anyway! Don't poke holes in my evil plan!"

Naruto looked to his side, "Some evil plan, don't even know shit about your own victim..."

The raven's fist balled at his sides, "Be quiet! It doesn't matter anyway! If they do figure out it's a lie it won't matter, because by that time you'll be gone!"

"Yeah, yeah, someone will find me Etsu, all I have to do is yell."

Etsu regained his composure and put on a small smile, "It's not that simple dear Naruto, in fact, I would be most surprised if you even survived tonight."

Naruto flinched and looked up at the dark sky littered with stars, then back at Etsu, "Why is that?"

"Haven't you heard the rumors? Why do you think we picked this forest?"

"Do I look like a fucking gossip girl to you? I don't sit around coffee houses talking about other people's lives all day you know. You three are a real big bucket of bitch, you know that?"

"You're testing my patience, but if you haven't heard, there's supposed to be some sort of animal roaming around this forest in the middle of the night. And not just any normal animal, it's something beastly that tears the flesh clean off the bones if it's prey without leaving so much as a drip of blood."

The blonde sneered at him, "You've got to be shitting me, so just because some thing that's probably just some rabid dog or an Indian or something--"

"It's not a fucking Indian!"

Naruto made an annoyed sound, "I'm sorry, what I meant to say was Native American. The point is, it's something that's actually nothing that you and all your little coffee house friends made into something fearsome to put some excitement in your boring, lame, sex deprived lives."

"Well who's fault is it that I'm not having sex?!"

"Etsu! Just go buy yourself a fucking hooker and leave me the hell alone!"

"Oh I am going to leave you alone, all alone, out here, in the middle of nowhere, where you'll be eaten alive and regret the day you turned me down."

"Shove it up your ass!"

"You had that chance!" he leaned forward with a smile and grabbed Naruto's chin, crushing their mouths together.

The blonde's eyes widened a little before he growled and bit down harshly on the other's bottom lip, causing Etsu to cry out in pain and release him, but that irritable smile stayed as he wiped a trickle of blood from the wound, "But now that chance is gone, maybe you'll make better decisions in the next life." he laughed and turned to walk away, Malakai trailing behind him obediently. The tied up man watched with fiery anger as they both stepped into their car and sped away.

Five minutes later...

"Those fucking bastards! I'm suing all of them! Wait...I don't have that much money...Neji will sue them for me! They'll go to jail and Etsu can get fucked as many times as his pale ass can take and more! You hear me Etsu?! I hope you get you raped until Satan himself feels sorry for you! I hope you get mono, herpes, AIDS and gonorrhea! you fucking pail of pussy! I hope you--"

Five more minutes later, ADD kicks in...

"Damn...I'm hungry...and I think I have to piss...how long have I been hanging here? Why the hell hasn't anyone found me yet? I'm a fucking person hanging from a fucking tree! How are you not going to notice a--" his words died on his tongue when he heard the sound of rustling bushes. He paused and stared at the jumble of leaves with uncertainty, "Um...hello? Someone there?" his mouth hung open slightly when a tall, slim, shadowed figure stepped out from behind the brush.

Naruto's face brightened up, 'Finally!' "Hey! Hey Miss! Over here!" he whistled, "Hey lady! Over here! Could you give me some help?"

The shadow paused and seemed to turn it's head in his direction.

Naruto nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah yeah! Me! Could you help please? It would really mean a lot to me ma'am!"

The figure stood erect and slowly strided over to the hanging blonde, and Naruto's jaw went slack when the other stepped into the moonlight, revealing that it was actually a guy. The man had sharp features and dark eyes with even darker hair, long bangs that framed his face set in pale skin and adorned with a small smile, "Surely you're not speaking to me, I am no woman."

Naruto blushed from embarrassment, "Uh...sorry, about that, you're just so thin and you looked--ah! Never mind! Look, can you just untie me please?"

"Why are you tied up in the first place?"

"These assholes that I know knocked me out and tied me up out here so some stupid animal that probably doesn't even exist could eat me or something." he raised a blonde brow, "Why are you out here so late at night anyway?"

The man shrugged, "I'm a drifter, don't stay in one place. So, what's your name?"

"Look, I would love to hang around here and chat with you, but actually, I wouldn't, so could you let me down so I can get a ride and go home?"

The other crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side, "I don't know...I think I rather like you in that position, it's quite funny."

Naruto's eyes popped out in disbelief. Of course, of course the guy who finds him is going to be a complete jackass, why did he even bother to get his hopes up? "Ugh...okay, how about we do a trade off here? You know, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours?"

The man smirked, "My back's not itchy."

"Don't be a smartass! A favor! Untie me and I'll do something for you in return."

"I won't "deal" with you until I know your name, mine is Sasuke, and you are?"

Naruto rolled his eyes, why was the guy so damn complicated? Why couldn't he just untie him and be done with it? "Naruto, my name's Naruto, now quit acting like you have a pole shoved up your ass and help me."

"Not very kind words for someone you want help from."

"Okay, please stop acting like you have a pole shoved up your ass and help me."

Sasuke snorted and crossed one foot behind the other, closing his eyes, "And what do I get if I help you out of this humorous situation?"

Naruto blinked, "I don't know, what do you want?"

The raven slid a finger back and forth beneath his chin before opening his eyes and staring at the blonde, "...You let me stay at your house for a while, and I'll get you down."

Naruto sputtered, "St-stay at my...what the hell is wrong with you? You can't stay at my house! I don't even know who the hell you are! I just met you!"

He looked up, "My name is Sasuke Uchiha, I'm 25, and I'm a drifter, there, it's like we've been friends for years."

"The fuck it is! You can't stay with me!"

Sasuke frowned slightly and cocked his head before turning around, "Okay then, nice meeting you, bye now."

Naruto panicked, "No no! W-wait! Uh--I-I'm Naruto Uzumaki, I'm 23 and I work for my friend at his office! Look! Hahaha it's-it's like we're best friends already! And best friends help each other! Oh God please don't go! You can stay! You can stay you can stay stay stay!! STAY HERE DAMNIT! DON'T LEAVE!" he yelled frantically, barely aware of the words flying from his mouth.

Sasuke smiled and spun back around, "I can stay with you, correct?"

Naruto nodded, "Yes."

"I have your word?"

'Damnit!' "...Yes..."

Sasuke chuckled, "Alright then, we have a deal." Before Naruto even knew what was happening, Sasuke had swiped a hand over Naruto's head and cut the rope in one clean sweep, the blonde only catching a glimpse of something shiny retreating behind the raven's back.

He felt the gears in his head start to turn, 'Oh...shit...' he slowly wriggled out of the ropes, keeping his eyes on the other man, 'He's creepy...dark...and has a knife...I just made a deal with a fucking murderer!' he stood up cautiously, a nervous smile plastered on his face, "Hahaha, yeah, uh...thanks."

"No problem, as long as you hold up your end."

"Yeah...yeah, sure um..." he fiddled with his shirt, he needed to distract this guy somehow and make a break for it. The road wasn't too far away, he'd heard two or three cars pass by earlier, and he could probably get a ride if he was quick about it.

"Hey, are you all right?"

Naruto flinched and looked at the man, "Yeah, I'm good, just thinking." Well, there wasn't anything around here that could keep Sasuke's attention long enough for him to run...so Naruto would just have to wing it and make something up. The blonde abruptly pointed a finger in the direction behind Sasuke and bellowed out, "Look! A distraction!" he blinked with surprise once when the other actually looked, and then made a break for it in the other direction.

He didn't go ten steps before he bumped into something solid that knocked him back, looking up and locking gazes with the same man he had just tried to trick. Naruto's jaw dropped as he stared at the other, "Wait...how did you..." he glanced behind him at the now empty space where Sasuke stood mere seconds ago and then back at the raven, "How the hell did you do that?" he kept flicking his eyes back and forth confusedly between the two spots. There was no way on earth Sasuke could have gotten in front of him so quickly, especially without Naruto noticing him pass by, "What the fuck are you? A track star? How the hell did you get in front me like that?"

"I think the more important question is, why were you trying to go back to the road without me?"

The blonde stilled, he had forgotten who he was speaking to. This guy had a weapon, and it wouldn't be very smart to get on his bad side, especially now that Naruto knew he couldn't outrun him, "Um...without you? No man! I wasn't trying to leave without you!"

"You tried to distract me."

"Pft, I did not."

"I believe your exact were 'Look. A distraction.' am I right?"

"Well...uh, yeah, but that was--"

"I can't believe you actually said that, you're a real idiot aren't you?"

Naruto's nervousness suddenly faded at the insult and offensive anger seared up, "Well who's more of an idiot? The guy who said it, or the guy who fell for it?"

Sasuke's jaw tightened, he spun around and began walking away, "Just shut up and let's go, we won't get anywhere if we stand around here arguing."

Naruto huffed and stomped behind him.

A few minutes later, they were at the road, which as Naruto had predicted, hadn't been too far. The blonde glanced at his companion for a moment before stepping closer to the street and holding out his thumb while placing his other hand on his hip.

Four minutes and seven cars later, they were still standing there, and Naruto still looked like an idiot holding his thumb out to nothing. Sasuke rolled his eyes, "Do you honestly believe someone's going to stop if you keep doing that? Would you stop for someone if they were doing that?"

Naruto sneered at him and shoved him back, "It's your fault! If you weren't so damn dark and intimidating, I could've gotten a car a long time ago! If you hadn't shown up I could've been home by now!"

"But no one would've gotten you down from the tree, stupid."

Naruto growled and shoved him again, back until he was hidden behind the trees, "You're scaring them, that's what wrong! Stay here until someone stops and I'll come and get you."

"Will you now?"

The blonde flinched but didn't answer, instead choosing to ignore him and go back to the road. This time, he didn't hold out his thumb like a "special person", oh no, he yelled like a "special person" at every car that passed by, "HEY STOP!! WAIT! I--I MEAN WE NEED A RIDE! C'MON! DON'T BE AN ASSWIPE!" he groaned and balled his fists at his side, "Fuck..."

A pair of headlights approaching caught his attention, and he held up his arms slowly and began waving them back and forth at the car, "HEY! I NEED A RIDE!" he paused with surprise when the vehicle actually seemed to be slowing down until it stopped in front of him.

Naruto let out an excited yelp and jumped forward a few steps, but he stilled and looked behind him when he heard Sasuke call out to him. The raven was standing visibly in front of the trees staring at the blonde with one eyebrow raised. Naruto coughed and gave him a small and hopefully, reassuring smile before putting a hand on top of the car.

The passenger side window rolled down to reveal a thin, raggy looking man in the driver's seat. The brunette gave Naruto a toothy grin and leaned forward to speak to him, "Hey blondie, I'm Nai, what can I do for you?" his breath reeked of booze. Nai jumped when Naruto suddenly lurched the top half of his body into the car and gripped the door with his tan hands, "Look man, I'll give you twenty bucks if you take me to 152nd street and ditch the guy standing there in the woods." his voice held desperation, like a drug dealer trying to make a quick sell to a stranger.

Nai narrowed his brown, sunken eyes and leaned back to get catch a glimpse of the man the other guy was talking about, when he did see him, he slowly leaned forward again and stared at Naruto, "...Make it thirty bucks."

"Twenty-five."

"Fifteen!"

Naruto quirked a blonde brow, "Fif...o-okay! Fine, whatever, you win, let's just go!"

"Hehe, yes." Nai muttered, like he'd just made the smartest bargain of his life.

Naruto pulled his body out of the window and grabbed the door handle, but he stopped, "Wait a minute." 'Let me think here...do I go with the potentially violent drunk that could get me killed in a car crash...or stay with the weird, knife wielding guy who could be a murderer...both are like shit choices...'

Okay, quick meeting in Naruto's head.

Drunk: 51

Weird guy: 49

Naruto smiled and shrugged, "Well, it was close." just as he was about to pull at the handle, a hand landed on his shoulder. He gasped and slowly turned his body so his back was against the car, feeling all the color drain from his face as he was met with Sasuke's bottomless black gaze. He gulped with slight fear, "Um...hehehe, h-hey there...buddy."

Sasuke smirked, "Buddy, yes. Naruto, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to back out of our deal and leave me here."

Naruto sputtered and began laughing nervously, and very loudly, "L-leave you? Naw man, of course not! Wh-why would I do something like that? That's just mean! That's, that's crazy! I would never do something so--whoa! Holy shit! What the hell is THAT?!" he pointed a finger behind Sasuke's head but the raven merely scoffed and frowned at him, "You can't honestly expect me to fall for the same thing twice."

Naruto's finger went limp and he looked down, "You're right, I'm sorry, I just--" he didn't finish his sentence as he brought a leg up and kicked Sasuke to the ground with one powerful shove of his foot.

When the raven was down and disoriented, he shoved his upper body back inside the car through the window and yelled frantically at Nai, "GO! FLOOR IT! DRIVE NOW DAMNIT! NOW! GO!!"

Nai's eyes widened from panic before he slammed his foot down on the accelerator and caused the car to rocket forward with an unpleasant screech of rubber against pavement.

Naruto, who still had his ass and legs hanging out the window of the vehicle, "oofed!' as his side made painful contact with the edge of the door when the car lurched forward. He gritted his teeth and grabbed the leather passenger seat for support before grinning at Nai, "Ha, thanks dude, we lost him."

"Oh did you now?"

Naruto paled for the second time that night when he heard that voice, "You've...gotta be shitting me." he grunted as he pulled himself forward a bit to peek over the seat into the back, and sure enough, Sasuke was sitting back there with one leg crossed over the other and his hands placed together over his knee with a smirk on his face. He chuckled, "You're not very good about keeping your deals, are you?"

Naruto's jaw dropped, "How the fuck did you get in here? You were on the floor for Christ's sake!"

Sasuke snorted, "First I want to know why you kept trying to leave me behind. Tell me, have I given you reason not to trust me? All I did was cut you down from that tree and save your idiotic ass."

Naruto frowned, "Well...no, but...hey wait a minute! I am not an idiot!"

The raven snickered, "Says the one who has his ass hanging out the window of a car."

Naruto blushed, "You're a real asswipe! You know that?!"

Nai slammed a hand on the steering wheel, "Excuse me, but I want both of your crazy asses OUT of my car, so tell me where the fuck I need to go!"

Naruto looked at him, "152nd street, by Luna Square."

Nai breathed heavily to try and clear his spinning head, "Okay, and do you plan to go the whole way with your butt hanging out?"

Naruto groaned and gripped the seat harder, 'Well I kinda need a little HELP."

Nai glanced at him before looking back at the road, "I'm already in a bad state to drive so don't look at me for help."

Naruto's lips pulled down at the corners and he risked a look at Sasuke, replacing his frown with a small smile, "Hey buddy."

Sasuke laughed and smiled back, "Sorry, one deal a night is my limit, and I prefer entertainment to being bored."

"Fuck you."

"I think I'd enjoy watching this more."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

And that's the first...fucked up chapter for "Beastly Callings", more fucked up chapters to come depending on my reviews!! peace out cheeps!

BTW:

Etsu, Malakai and Brice (who is usually sanitary) are all my characters. They're all super sexy and totally bangable. If you want a better description of what they look like here you go:

Etsu: Kind of like the leader. He has long black hair that goes down to the middle of his back and it's all pretty and super-model looking like Neji's hair. He has purple-greyish eyes, a slim build, high cheekbones, he's tall and has pale skin like Sasuke's color.

Malakai: A complete idiot, but it's okay cuz he's hot. He's not slim and girly looking, he has muscle and is thick, not FAT, just you know, big. And he's not disgustingly ripped like with veins popping out and muscle protruding everywhere because that's just gross. He has chocolate brown eyes with matching color hair that's shaggy and hangs over his forehead and the back goes down to the nape of his neck, his face has rounded features. His skin is dark tan, he's tall and has the shadow of a beard.

Brice: He's like the smart one, not genius smart, but definitely smarter than Etsu and Malakai. He has emerald green eyes that become either light or dark depending on the lighting. His body is slim and built like Etsu's, his skin is tan but lighter than Malakai's and his hair is red like Gaara's and pulled into a braid that's thrown over his shoulder and goes down to his chest with a few loose strands hanging over his eyes and the sides of his face. He's the shortest out of the three but still tall, and his face has sharp, angular features.

Nai is my character too, but he was just some random guy I had to stick in so I didn't put much thought into him.

Okay, NOW you may go and review! Much love from illi!!