The Longest Fight, a south park fanfic

I know, I know, I need to finish Pip Really Sucks! I'm sorry.

Disclaimer: I'm hot cuz I'm fly, you ain't cuz you not!

The Longest Fight

"I hate Kyle!" a teen voice rang out. "And I'm not kidding either, Cartman! I hate the living shit out of him! This isn't some stupid elementary school tiff. This is the real thing. Kyle and I will never be friends again!"

"Heh, you finally came to the right side, Stanley! Without Kahl's influence, you're surely guaranteed a spot in Heaven," Cartman said enthusiastically.

Stan narrowed his eyebrows in a determined grin. "Exactly! That Jew can go rot in Hell for all I care, because I hate him!"

"I hate Stan!" another teen voice rang out. "Hey, why are you laughing at me Kenny? I hate him! This isn't like, our fight over Steve, or our fight over the egg or anything. This is real damn thing. We're never going to be friends again, and I'm happier than anything knowing that we'll never be friends again!" Note that Kyle's expression shows anger, hate, misery, but not an ounce happiness.

"Hmm," Kenny replied. "I see. But aren't you guys Super Best Friends?"

"That's gay, Kenny. Duh," Kyle explained, as if that explained everything.

"Dude, you guys are pretty gay," Kenny said bluntly, not caring about the horrified look that appeared on Kyle's face.

"Whatever dude. Whatever."

"What even happened between you guys?" Kenny inquired.

Kyle's face was set with determination now. "Ok, it all started at Stan's house..."

"NO! No, you fucker!" Stan yelled as the Game Over screen flashed on his half of the TV. Kyle laughed heartily as he claimed first place. This is the only thing I can ever beat Stan at!

"Haha, Stan, you don't stand a chance against me, I own you at this game! Big time!"

Stan threw the controller at the ground in a huff. "Whatever Kyle, whatever. I don't really care. I don't like that game anyway."

Kyle rolled his eyes. What a sore loser. It's not like he doesn't win everything else we ever do. "Well, dude, it's 12:30, whaddya wanna do now?"

Stan crossed his arms and pouted.

"Aw, c'mon Stan, it's just a video game..."

Stan still didn't budge from his position.

"Don't get jealous just because I'm better than you at it!"

"I'm not jealous! Why would I be jealous of you?" Stan snarled.

Kyle sucked in a breath and counted to ten. I hate it when he does this. "Stan, I am sick of you being like this every time I do something better than you."

"What are you talking about?"

"This! Every time I ever beat you at something, you get all huffy and angry and you become a dick to me!"

"I do not! You're the one who's being a dick to me!" Stan yelled back.

"What?!? I'm calling you out on your idiotic horrible treatment of me, you have NO FUCKING RIGHT to call me a dick, you dick!" Kyle screeched. "Why the hell can't you just let me be better than you at something?? You're the one who's good at sports, and good with girls, and good at everything, but whenever I ever do anything better than you, you always act like it's the fucking end of the world! I'M SICK OF IT!"

Kyle stormed out of the room.

"And then you stormed right on over here and started bitching about Stan?" Kenny finished.

"Pretty much. That dick, I am never talking to him ever again! All he cares about is his stupid football and his stupid girls and stupid Wendy and you know what? I'm sick of it! I'm never talking to him again!" Kyle said, with a finality that made a cold shiver go up the spine of the reader. Can you feel it? That cold, dark, deep shivering? The finality of it all? It's over.

"FUCKING KYLE! That little bastard thinks he's soooo cool, why I oughta just punch him in the fucking face!" Stan yelled.

"Yeah...punch that fucker..." Cartman said half-heartedly. He was getting quite bored with listening to Stan bitch about the Jew. "What made you decide to hate the fucking Jew anyways? What did he do?" Cartman asked. Even he could get annoyed after dissing Kyle for what seemed like hours.

"What hasn't he done?" Stan asked with an angry yell. "That fucker has been nothing but a dick to me since I first met him!"

"Oh, like that time you guys fought over what to name the IceMan that you found?" Cartman asked.

"Yeah, that I found! Kyle is always trying to steal all of my glory away!"

"What made you realize this today? I mean, shouldn't it be obvious that Kahl would do that? He's a fucking Jew, for Kathy Lee Gifford's sake!"

"Well, he was at my house, around 12:30..." Stan started...

"NO! No, you fucker!" Stan yelled as the Game Over screen flashed on his half of the TV. Kyle was always beating him at this game. And always dissing him as soon as they got to the end of it.

"Haha, Stan, you don't stand a chance against me, I own you at this game! Big time!"

Stan threw the controller at the ground in a huff, feeling very put out indeed. "Whatever Kyle, whatever. I don't really care. I don't like that game anyway."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Well, dude, it's 12:30, whaddya wanna do now?"

Stan crossed his arms and pouted. I want to be able to do something better than you. You're always stealing away all my glory, you never let me do anything awesome...it's always gotta be you...

"Aw, c'mon Stan, it's just a video game..."

Stan still didn't budge from his position.

"Don't get jealous just because I'm better than you at it!"

"I'm not jealous! Why would I be jealous of you?" Stan snarled. Even though he was completely aware that he was lying, and that he was jealous of Kyle. In so many more ways than one would ever imagine.

Kyle sucked in his breath and held it for a minute. He then spoke, giving Stan an icy glare whilst doing it."Stan, I am sick of you being like this every time I do something better than you."

"What are you talking about?" When have I ever done anything better than you?

"This! Every time I ever beat you at something, you get all huffy and angry and you become a dick to me!"

"I do not! You're the one who's being a dick to me!" Stan yelled back.

Kyle stormed out of the room.

"He likes to just throw a huge ass pity party whenever I'm around, when he really knows that he's better than me at everything! Well, fuck him! I don't want to be around someone who searches for all that damn pity all the time! He's always doing something better than me. He doesn't need to get mad at me for getting a little bit jealous! It's not my fault I'll never be as good as him! THAT FUCKING JEW-WHORE!"

Cartman sat and laughed. "Haha, Stan, you're right. You should go kill him in his sleep."

"What?!?"

Stan and Kyle had never had a real fight like this. Sure, during their elementary school years, they had their little "feuds" over Steve/Gorak and that dumb egg and Kyle becoming a Blainetologist. But those weren't even really considered fights, seeing as they were nine years old, and didn't know what they were thinking.

Now, they knew. And this counted as an actual fight.

They'd had a couple "fights" during their pre-teen and teen years, but nothing quite like this has ever happened before. Stan and Kyle usually made up decently quickly. They were Super Best Friends, nothing could ever come between them.

Apparently, there was now something between them.

And it was painful for both of them...because they both knew that it was their longest fight that they'd ever had...and neither of them had the pride to apologize.

Cartman was finding this all quite amusing, to tell the truth. "Kenny, this is the funniest thing that has ever happened between them! I wish I could video tape it and watch it over and over again!"

Kenny, however, was unnerved. This fight had been going on for quite some time. It felt like months to Kenny, months since the group had all stood next to each other at the bus stop. Something had to be done, or else it was going to be too late. And if it was too late to get Kyle and Stan back "together..." what would happen to their group? Would it stay this way forever? "Cartman, we have to do something."

"Why? All that would happen would be that they make up and start becoming stupid faggy glued-at-the-hip hippies again! Do you really want that Kenny? Do you really want to have to see those two fags going at it anytime they can just because they're fags and it turns them on to go at it anytime they can? Do you really want that?" Cartman inquired.

"Cartman, they aren't gay. I mean, they look it. But they're just both pussies. And I know plenty of straight pussies. Cartman, what are we going to do if they're not friends? Our whole group is awkward, and we're not going to be able to do anything fun because Stan and Kyle will be stupid and pussy and girly and be like, (insert screechy feminine Kenny voice here) 'I don't want to go to the same store as him, I'll get his cooooooties, and then I'll die, I hate Kyle, I hate Stan, I don't want to go on a four person sled, then I have to sit on the same sled as Stan!'"

The reality of what was really happening suddenly hit Cartman. "If they don't want to sit on the same sled...then we can't participate in the Regional Sledding Contest. And if we can't participate in Regionals...we can't go to Districts. If we can't go to Districts, we can't go to State. Then we aren't able to win the National Sledding Championship with a Grand Prize of 10,000 dollars! Oh no, Kenny! What are we going to do?!?"

Kenny smirked, glad that he had finally gotten through to Cartman. "Don't worry. I have a plan."

Kyle sullenly trudged to Starks Pond, his arms crossed in anger. He got even angrier when he realized that Stan was already there, sitting on the bench. "Kenny told me to meet him at the bench...he didn't say anything about Stan! What's going on?" Kyle went and sat on the bench, next to Stan, but did not say a word. Damn it Kenny, this had better be worth it...

Little did Kyle know, but Stan was thinking just about the same thing. Why the hell does Kyle have to be here? I don't want to talk to him. I can't believe that Cartman invited me here, this is stupid!

"Why are YOU here?" Stan finally asked.

"Why does it matter to YOU?" Kyle shot back with another question.

"Because I don't want to sit by YOU, Jew-Whore!"

"YOU think I want to sit by YOU, you dumb dick!" Kyle hissed. "I'm sick of YOU." Kyle was lying to himself, and he knew it. All he wanted was for things to go back to the way they were in fourth grade, when a "fight" was settled by simply talking it out. But Stan wouldn't want to listen to me anyways.

"YOU know what? I was just thinking the same thing!" Stan replied. Of course, Stan knew that he was not thinking that at all. Actually, he was thinking about how much he missed Kyle, and how heartbreaking it was that Kyle didn't even miss him in the slightest amount.

They were silent for the good part of fifteen minutes. "Goddammit, wheres Kenny?!" Kyle screeched.

"Shut up!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Damn it, don't tell me what to do you fucker!"

"Well, then stop screaming about Kenny!"

"YOU stop screaming about Kenny!"

"I'm not screaming about Kenny!"

"YOU were! LAST NIGHT!"

Both boys burst into laughter. And then they realized they were in the middle of a huge fight, and started glaring at each other again.

They had a bit of a glaring contest for a while. But finally, Stan couldn't take it anymore. His glare quickly shifted to a sad frown.

"Kyle, what's happened to us? We used to be such good friends before this huge fight."

Kyle sighed, his glare fading away as well. "Stan, I just...I mean, I know I'm going to sound like a dick, but I just really think you should apologize to me..."

"What? No, you need to apologize to me!" Stan protested.

"What?? For what? I didn't do anything!"

"Yes you did!" Stan replied. "You were acting like you were all better than me!"

"No, I wasn't," Kyle shot back. "I was talking about how YOU were acting like you're all better than me!"

"That was a coverup, because all you want is for me to tell you about how great you are, when really, you already know that you're better than me at everything! All you wanted for me to say was, 'Kyle, I'm sorry, I shouldn't act like this, since you're really better than me at everything!' Goddammit Kyle! You shouldn't need all the fucking reassurance, don't you realize that you're better than me by a fucking longshot!?"

Everything seemed to fall silent. Finally, Kyle broke it with a small whisper. "Stan..."

"No."

"Stan, what are you talking about? I'm not better than you at anything except for that dumb videogame..." Kyle muttered. "You're the one that gets all the girls, and you're the captain of all the sports, and you're the charming, funny one, while I'm just a nerd..."

"Kyle, girls are all over you! They think you have a hot ass," Stan explained.

"What?" Kyle was confused about that last comment.

"Kyle, I think I know what happened! We both thought that the other was better than we were. We let our jealousy take over us, and it caused this huge fight between us. Well, I've learned something today. Sometimes, we can't always be thinking about the amazing qualities that everyone else has. Sometimes, we have to think about our own amazing qualities. Because when you let your jealousy take over you, and you leave yourself behind, you end up in a dumb fight like we just did, Kyle!"

"You're right Stan!" Kyle remarked at his wisdom. "I can't believe we were so stupid! Are we still friends?"

"Absolutely! Super Best Friends Forever!"

The teens clasped their hands in a secret handshake, grinning goofily as they did it.

"Ok, so do you want to go back to your place and play video games?" Kyle asked.

"Sure, as long as it's not that one stupid game," Stan said.

"But Stan, I'm really good at that game!"

"NO!"

"Ah," Kenny said, with a smile on his face as he watched the two Super Best Friends skip off together holding hands. Well, they weren't really holding hands. Or skipping. But Kenny pretended like they were, because it made him feel even more accomplished. "My work here is done."

"Does that mean we can win the National Sledding Championship?!?" Cartman asked eagerly.

"There is no National Sledding Championship, fatass." Kenny replied.

"Oh. GODDAMNIT! What time is it? I think I missed lunch through all of this stupid shit."

Kenny looked down at his watch. 1:34. "Hmm. It's 1:34. Can you really believe that that fight lasted for a whole hour?"

Cartman shook his head. "I know! Their last fight was only for about fifteen minutes."

"We should write this down in our Stan and Kyle fight record book. This has definitely been their longest recorded fight in history."

"We should go get some icecream." Cartman suggested. "After we write that down, of course."

"Okay!"

The End.

Ok, how cute is that? Their fight lasted for an hour. Hahahhaha. Funny stuff man, funny stuff.