Faithfully

Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am
Lost without you

Ellie tugged at a strand of hair nervously as she scanned the crowd of soldiers departing the bus for her father. She shouldn't be nervous; there was no reason to be nervous. Her father was perfectly fine, excited to come home, and she wouldn't have to worry about her mom anymore while she was away at college. No more late night trips home to sleep over on the nights when her mom was feeling particularly vulnerable. No more hearing the shake in her mom's voice when talking on the phone, knowing that the keys were in her mom's hand, ready to drive to the nearest liquor store and just throw it all in. Maybe these were duties more suitable for her mom's sponsor, a fifty-three year old woman who lost her husband eighteen years ago in a car accident, but Ellie knew she had a commitment to her mom that many people could not understand.

Warm hazel eyes met Ellie's and her face broke into a grin. "Dad!" she cried, feeling more like a little girl than a college freshman. Her mother's hand came down on her shoulder and gripped it roughly, a slight gasp escaping from her lips. Ellie peered up at her mother and marveled at the look of joy on her face. She hadn't seen her mom like this in a year, before her father had been sent back to Kabul for a second time.

"How're my girls?" Her dad scooped her and her mom into his arms, squeezing them as tight as he could, as if they could slip out of his hands if he didn't hold on with all his strength. Ellie held on to him, too, gripping his shirt in her little fists. She felt drops of moisture on her cheeks and her fists but she couldn't tell if they were from her or her mom, who was sobbing against her father's chest. Ellie pushed away slightly and patted her cheeks and felt the wetness on her skin.

"Hey," her father raised her chin to look her in the eyes. "No crying, Ellebelle, okay? I'm back. We should celebrate!"

Ellie laughed as her father made a goofy face at her mom. She took in the features of his face the same way she had before he had gone. She hadn't wanted to forget what he looked like, and now she wondered how she could ever have thought she'd forget. His warm eyes, the shock of dark auburn hair, his strong jaw, and his nose… He said he had hated his nose as a teenager but had grown to appreciate it as he grew up. Now he said it was his best feature; that it brought character to his face. Ellie agreed.

"Well," her mom sniffed before laughing at herself. "Oh, look at me… I'm a mess. Well, should we get your stuff and go?"

"Yes! I want to take my two favorite girls out for dinner. Dinner… at an actual restaurant! Do you even know how many prepackaged dinners I've eaten this year?"

"I can only imagine…" Ellie lifted the corner of her mouth into a half smile. It really wasn't that funny when you thought about all the family dinners he had missed… family dinners that would have existed if he had been home.

Ellie followed her parents' lead through the crowds of people either waiting for loved ones or sending loved ones off. She couldn't wait to get away from the scene; seeing the children hug their fathers goodbye and the women crying reminded her too much of bad times. The bad times reminded her of the relief she would get from cutting. And the cutting reminded her way too much of a certain someone touching her scars. A certain someone whose name she had sworn never to say aloud or even think again. Doing that would just open a wound that she had just started to halfheartedly mend.

She didn't have any explanation for why she chose at that moment to turn around. Maybe it was the loud crash behind her as someone knocked over a pile of luggage. Or maybe it was the shriek from the baby in the stroller. Or maybe, just maybe, it was some kind of force that was beyond her understanding. You know, if you believe in that stuff. Ellie liked to think of herself as a mostly logical kind of girl, someone who liked facts and things that could be seen and touched. Sure, she had her occasional flights of whimsy and let her imagination run wild, like the time her, Marco, and Ashley held a séance in the cemetery after midnight, or the time she had her tarot cards read and actually, sort of, maybe, kind of thought the fortune might come true…

Still, despite all those things, Ellie liked to see herself as levelheaded and practical.

So why did she get that feeling and decide to look back?

There wasn't an explanation. She just did.

And there he was.

Dressed in a basic training uniform standing in a small throng of men waiting to get on the bus. His hair looked freshly cut. Short. But long enough that she could run her fingers through it and pull at it slightly. Not that she'd be doing that anytime soon... She wasn't sure if he would see her. He looked deep in concentration, almost disappointed by something. At that moment Ellie hated that she could read people's emotions so easily. It would be so much easier for her if she could just turn away and forget she ever saw him. But that look on his face made it impossible. Something was on his mind, and Ellie always had to know what was on his mind.

It was at that moment, as Ellie was trying to decide if she could talk to him without throwing up or crying (or both), that he chose to look over in her direction. At first she didn't think he had seen her. After all, her hair was much longer and she wasn't dressed in the old mesh shirts and arm warmers she used to wear, but a flash of recognition came over his eyes, and his mouth fell open slightly. Ellie touched her fingers to her chin. Her own mouth was hanging slightly open, and she pressed it shut. He started, and she held her breath as she prepared herself for a confrontation, but then he turned away and headed towards the bus.

No. No. No! This was not the way it was supposed to go. She was supposed to turn away from him. He had already left her once. She couldn't let him do it again. But he was already doing it. She stared at his feet as he raised one to pull himself up the short flight of steps that led into the bus. One step. Two step. Three. Four. Gone. Completely gone. Not a single piece of him left. Not even an elbow peeking out from the doorway. Nothing.

And then before she could even turn back, he appeared again. He stumbled down the steps, pushing his way through two guys who heckled him as he passed. His eyes stayed on her, and she imagined the many reactions she could have as soon as he reached her. Would she cry? Would she scream at him? Would she just turn away? What about all three? Was that even possible? Could she-

"Hey."

Too late.

No time for preparations.

Must say something.

Now.

"You-…" Hurt me. That's what she wanted to say more than anything. You hurt me. Instead she settled for just a "you."

He smiled nervously. "Yeah, me."

Silence.

She could feel her body shaking, and she hated herself for it. Why was she letting him get to her? She was over him. She was totally crushing on both Craig and Jesse at the same time and that made her a horrible person.

No. What made her a horrible person was that she was able to lie to herself without even realizing it. Now, with him right in front of her, all her lies unraveled. Craig and Jesse who?

"Hi." She was a genius. A freakin' genius. Only a genius could come up with that response.

"How are you? I mean, how have things been?"

"Amazing! Great!" Could she be more fake? "I'm at University now. I live with Marco and Paige. Yeah, Paige. I know. Long story… Anyway, things are great. I'm taking six classes right now. One's just a one credit class about grammar or something like that so it's not too much of a load…" She was vaguely aware that she was rambling, but her actions were beyond her control at this point.

Sean nodded, a grin on his face. "That's good. I'm glad you're… you know… okay. I didn't know if you'd be able to-…"

She narrowed her eyes at him as he confided in her how he thought she'd fall apart without him. How he was afraid that she wouldn't be able to handle the pressure of life after he had left her and stayed in Wasaga Beach. She wanted to tell him that yes, she had struggled; she had cut. And she wanted to grab him and shake him and scream at him for all the pain he caused her. But how could she do that and look at herself in the mirror again? She would never let on to him how much he had meant to her.

She would be cool. She would be calm. Collected. Independent. She didn't need him. She was a new woman, one that could survive on her own against all odds. Ellie lifted her chin in defiance and glared at Sean. "Don't flatter yourself, Cameron. I was more than fine after you left."

Those words stung him. His body stepped back with a little jolt, and he was unable to meet her eyes. "Oh," he started. "Okay. Well, that's good."

A moment of awkward silence rest between them. Ellie wanted to ask about his life now but was too afraid of the answer. What if he told her he was fine and alluded to the fact that she was nothing but a distraction while he was between relationships with Emma? Yes, Ellie had heard through word of mouth that Sean was with Emma and had been the second he moved back to Degrassi. She brushed it off outwardly, but how could she pretend to herself that it didn't hurt? Once again, she was proved second best.

"You sound like you've had a great year. Me? Not so much…" His cheeks flushed and he stuffed his hands deep into the pockets of his pants.

Ellie's eyebrow lifted in surprise. "Oh?"

"You didn't hear? I was arrested-…"

"What?!"

"Hey, before you say anything else, I'm fine. I was street racing with this Peter kid in Emma's grade, and I accidentally hit a guy."

Ellie was in such shock she couldn't even form words. This is what Sean had come back to Toronto for? A criminal record?

"He's fine, and I got out of jail, but I got kicked out of Degrassi, and… That's pretty much it. Now I'm joining the army. Trying to make something of myself again, or whatever…"

As mad as she was, Ellie couldn't help but feel the tug at her heart as she looked at the embarrassed look on Sean's face. He glanced at her anxiously, waiting for her reaction. How was she supposed to react, though? She was angry at him for doing this to himself, but she also wanted to comfort him. Most of all, she was just disappointed.

"Say something."

"What do you want me to say? The truth? Okay, the truth is, I'm disappointed. What happened to being the first to graduate in your family? You changed your life around, and now you've just destroyed all that progress…"

He cleared his throat and took another step away from her. "Wow, you really know how to hurt a guy…"

"And you really know how to hurt a girl," Ellie murmured tearfully. She tilted her head down and a lock of hair fell across her face. She hadn't meant to say that aloud but now Sean knew. If he couldn't tell just how much his move devastated her by now, than he really didn't know her at all.

Sean's hand caressed her cheek, and Ellie almost allowed herself to become lost in his touch again. Almost. She coughed and snapped her head back up. "So, the army?"

"Yeah, the army… Gotta do something with my life. They can train me in something, you know?"

"No, I completely understand, Sean. It's good. Other things didn't work out but this could." She really did understand, and she was proud of him for getting away.

"You're the first person to say that, the only one who understands. Emma thinks I'm trying to run away from her, and Jay's just pissed that I won't be around to party. You get it."

"I always did."

"Yeah… you did." A look of sadness crossed his eyes, and Ellie knew he was thinking about all the times she had been there for him when no one else was. She'd been one of the best damn things to ever happen to him. She knew it, and he knew it, too.

"Remember- remember that time the electric went out in the apartment?"

"What time?" Ellie mused.

"The first time. We made s'mores over a candle and played monopoly."

Ellie laughed at that memory. "Yeah, I definitely remember playing monopoly. We played that game for-…"

"-for five hours," they finished.

"I still claim I won," Ellie smirked.

"The board got knocked over. There's no way you could remember."

"You knocked the board over because you felt threatened."

They laughed. And then…

Silence.

"Those were good times," Sean murmured.

Ellie looked to the side. Her parents were probably tired of waiting for her. She should leave. She should just leave and go home and be with her father. And then Monday she could go back to class and pretend she had never run into Sean.

His fingers grazed hers and she gasped slightly as his hand enveloped hers. She felt like she was sixteen again, standing in front of his locker trying to reconnect with him after the stupid fight they had. He could be good for you. Marco had told her that. She had said those words over and over inside her head after Sean had left, wondering if it had all been worth it.

She felt him raise her hand between them. His thumb lightly ran over the back of her hand in soft strokes, and his eyes bore into her own.

Being with Sean had been about truth. Honesty. Simplicity. The energy one feels when they witness something that pierces them to the core- like seeing a really great band or a powerful monologue on stage. It had been about board games at two in the morning and watching bad made-for-TV movies with Bueller tucked in between them. It had been about him wanting her, something she had begun to give up on. Most of all it had been about her feeling something for once in a long time.

Ellie knew she could lie to everyone else for the rest of her life; she could pretend that she didn't care anymore. But she couldn't lie to herself and say that it hadn't meant something.

It had definitely been worth it.

Even the bad parts.

An announcement sounded over the loudspeaker: final boarding for the bus in the next five minutes. Five minutes. That was all they had to say everything they had to say. What was she supposed to say in that amount of time?

Ellie shivered a little even though it was warm outside. She peeled her hand away from Sean's and folded her arms across the chest of her camouflage shirt. She had worn this shirt for the past six years whenever her dad had been shipped off and had come home, and before that she had worn a smaller child-sized one. She knew it was silly to hold on to something for so long, but she'd always had difficulty letting go.

"How am I supposed to… only five minutes. I've got five minutes with you," Sean muttered angrily, glaring at the bus behind him.

She didn't know how to respond. What could she say to make this any better? They had finally started to talk and now… he had to go. And who knows how long he'd be gone. But did it even matter? He was with Emma. She was at University. Things were just different. They were different.

Sean reached into his bag and pulled out a piece of paper and pen, scribbling something down before handing it to her. "Here. It's my address, where you can reach me. You know, if you want."

He pressed the paper into her palm and let his fingers linger before shoving them back down into his pockets. She stared at his chicken scratch and felt the tears prickle the back of her eyes. This was real.

"I'll take it," she replied. "But I don't know if I can write you."

She was being honest. What if she were to let him in again like she had all those years ago? Would he hurt her again? Ellie wasn't sure if he she could handle another heartache in her life, especially one like Sean; her heartache for him hurt more than any other.

"It's just an idea. I'd really like to hear from you. You-… this is hard," his right arm hooked behind his neck and he shifted his eyes away from her.

"You should go."

"Ellie, I- I'm sorry," he stammered, his eyes fixated on hers, looking for a hint of acceptance.

Ellie laughed huskily. "Oh, please. You don't have to be sorry…" But I'm glad you are.

"No, I have to be. I want to be. So, I am. You just, you need to know that before I go. I never meant for things to end up this way."

His hand had found hers again, and Ellie felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand on edge. He was doing it again. He was grabbing a hold of her, and he was refusing to let go. She could feel it.

She tore her fingers away from his and started to back away. "Just… tell me, was I second best? I just, I have to know… It's stupid but it's been tearing me apart and I have to know. So can you just tell me?" Her voice shook violently. She hated herself for being like this. What happened to the being calm and collected? What happened to the girl who hid everything she felt from the world?

"No," he responded quickly. No hesitation. Matter of fact. Confident. "You were never second best to me."

As much as it made her sick to admit it, his response made her feel better.

"You didn't really come back for her, did you? You came back for yourself, not her, right?" She had to know. She just had to.

His face turned up and the sun hit it just right. His forehead scrunched as he thought about the question, and a small smile came to his face as he looked back down at her. "No, I didn't come back for a girl."

Ellie beamed. Maybe the old Sean was still in there somewhere.

She gave him one last look before turning around and walking away.

"But, El?"

She looked back at him from over her shoulder.

"I wish I had come back for a girl." The look he gave her said it all. He wished he had come back for her.

She didn't know what to say to that, so she just told him, "You be careful."

"It's only basic training."

"I don't care. Be careful.

"I know who I am and what I wanna be around you, but that's not enough, so I'm going to go out there and find out how to know that stuff by myself. Then I'm coming back. And when I do, I hope you'll still want to know me."

She didn't have to say anything this time. The look she gave him was enough. Sean knew he'd be going off for training with someone waiting back at home for him, and it wasn't the girl he'd been with for the past year. It was the other one, the one he let get away. And everyday during training he would push himself forward with one goal in mind: to make something of himself so one day he could earn back that girl's love and respect and have a life that was all his own.

He took one last glance at her as he boarded the bus, the last one. Her shiny red hair made its way through the small crowds of people left towards the entrance to the bus station. A lump rose in his throat as he left her again, but this time he had every reason to come back.

Ellie stared down at the paper in her hand as she pushed through towards her parents, warm tears hugging her lashes. Her stomach cramped as she realized that it would be weeks, maybe months, maybe even longer before she saw him again, but he would be back. She knew it. She just had a feeling.

"Ready?"

Ellie took one last look back at the bus. Things were different, including them, but maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. They had grown up, seen more, learned more, experienced more… Even as different people, they could still be the right one for each other; they could still be each other's person.

He was her person.

She glanced up at her parents, concerned looks on their faces, and nodded. She slid a fumbling hand over her eyes to wipe away the tears and sniffled.

"We have stationary at home, right?"

We'll always have Tahiti.

Love,

Ellie