Well, I wasn't so happy with this one - it's a little introspective, but hey. No use grumbling over it. This was my June Rumble contribution. This month's theme was "Darry Said No". I never have any idea what to say here...

So, on with the Shoe!

Disclaimer: I own nothing here.

Lifelines

"Hey Darry! Steve and me are getting going now!"

"Midnight and no later, Sodapop," I called back from where I was bent over the newest stack of bills

"Yeah, sure."

"You heard the boss. No smoking, drag racing, stealing, gang fighting…And don't go having no fun, neither," Steve chimed in

"Come on, Steve," Soda chuckled "Bye Ponyboy!"

There was no reply and I sighed at the front door slammed close behind Soda and Steve. They were on their way out with the girls to some dance thing over at Jays. They'd told me about it a week ago and I'd agreed. That was half of the reason why I couldn't concentrate on the bills. That was half the reason why the house was so quiet, too.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair feeling like an old man before my time. Managing the bills was like walking a tight wire high above the stands of people waiting to see if I would make it across or not. I shook my head, thinking I was borrowing Pony's imagination tonight. No, the bills were tough but they weren't as bad as they had been a few months ago when I was paying off the funeral and trying to work out the interesting budget our parents managed to somehow survive on. I had a better handle on it, but I still had a lot of practice to do before I got it perfect. One month we'd been twenty dollars short because the power bill was late the month before and we had penalties to catch up on. We were looking at a week of canned soup and preserves older than I was that were down in the cellar until Sodapop had stepped up and offered me his paycheck to help out. I'd talked him down to half and the bills had been more manageable since. It hurt my pride to take it, but what other choice did I have? I'll admit it – I like to eat and I like having hot water and lights. If a couple extra dollars from Soda's check helped keep all those things…well, I had gotten used to taking it from him. I made sure a couple bucks went away for Pony's education even, hoping some day he wouldn't have to worry about whether his family was going to eat or not.

He was a smart kid. He was going to university after high school and then he was going to do everything with his life that he wanted to, everything I wished I could do. That kid had no idea how lucky he was….

I shifted forward on my chair and thought over the fight we had tonight. He wanted to go to a party Tim Shepard was having. Now, don't get me wrong, I had been to few of them myself in my time and there was an appeal to hanging out with people tougher than you were over a few beers. He just seemed to be forgetting that he was fourteen, it was a school night and if I caught him drinking again I was going to lock him in his bedroom for a month or until Curly made his way back into the reformatory again. It seemed like it only took Curly ten minutes to get Ponyboy to do something stupid. The last time they had been alone together Tim had ended up smacking their foreheads together for trying to burn holes through their fingers with cigarettes.

"It was just a game of chicken, Darry…"

Tell that to the blistering burn on his finger that needed to be swabbed out with iodine because he let it start getting infected.

Needless to say he hadn't liked being told no tonight and I had been faced with a full out temper tantrum from my fourteen-year-old brother. What made it worse was Sodapop was going out and I had already told him it was fine. I'd been accused of playing favorites, of only keeping him around because Sodapop needed him and a couple other things that had felt like a kick to the gut.

He just didn't understand. I wasn't telling him no because I didn't like him or didn't want him to have friends. I was telling him no because I wanted him to do well in school and not make stupid decisions and even because I wanted better for him than to go and get drunk on a school night at a party that would be crashed by the cops at some point. Maybe I even told him no because I cared about him enough to. I hadn't told him this because he was in no mood to listen to it. He'd just call me a liar and I didn't think I could take that. There are days when I feel like I'm drowning. It's like I've jumped into a pool; it's too deep to touch the bottom and I've suddenly lost my balance and can't remember how to swim. It frustrates me and scares me all at the same time.

How did Mom and Dad manage to keep track of all three of us? How did they keep Sodapop from getting in trouble with the fuzz? How did they tell Ponyboy no without being labeled an enemy? How did they keep the bills straight and remember where everyone had to be all the time? Did they have some manual or do you actually have to have kids to get all those secrets handed down to them? I just wished I had some idea what I was doing. I just wished they were here to do this. Ponyboy and Soda needed them a hell of a lot more than they needed me. I needed them a lot more than I was willing to admit.

I shook myself out of those thoughts – they never went anywhere productive. They were dead and gone and no amount of wishing was going to bring them back. I looked down at the bills and rubbed my eyes to get the sleepy feeling out of them. I was always tired these days, but there was so much to get done. As much as Soda tried to help, there was only so much he could do and he was still a kid. He needed to go out and laugh and hang out with Steve and have fun. I hoped he would never be put in my shoes. Sure, I wanted him to have a family some day, but on his own terms with someone he loved there to help carry the load. I wanted the same for Ponyboy – after he finished school and got a good job. Lord knows how far a baby can go towards complicating things…

It was much later when I finally finished up the bills, signed Pony's report card and got the dishes dried. The house had been still and quiet since Soda and Steve left. It had been a calming thing but now it was beginning to feel oppressive and unnerving. I glanced at the clock – 10 –before heading down the hall to where there was still a light on under Pony and Soda's door. It wasn't surprising with how much Ponyboy liked to read.

I eased the door open and let a small smile escape my lips. Ponyboy was laying flat on the mattress arms and legs sprawled everywhere. It was how he always slept when Sodapop wasn't in bed. What finished the picture was the lamp on beside the bed and the book open on his chest. I eased across the room, stepping over books, paper, clothes and towels before I made it to his side of the bed. That settled it; this weekend both he and Sodapop were house bound until this mess got cleaned up. It smelled wet in here, which was never a good sign. I shook my head. There wasn't much I could make them do about it right now, especially with Soda not even home for another couple hours.

So I did what I came in to do. I picked the book off Pony's chest and folded the corner of the page he was on before sitting it on the bedside table. He stirred then and blinked at me sleepily before closing his eyes again.

"'Time s'it?" he mumbled

"Ten. You should get ready for bed," I suggested

He nodded and sat up to take off his jeans. He was swaying a little like people who aren't awake often do. I helped him pull off his socks and shirt before throwing him a clean one from the closet. He pulled it on after struggling with it for a moment and flopped back on the bed like a boneless fish. I sighed and thought that I probably should have turned back the covers before he did that. I hauled him up a little and pulled the covers down enough to get him under them. He curled around his pillow and blinked at me again.

"Are you still mad at me?" he asked a little groggily and I blinked at him

Was I mad at him? Lord, I was anything but mad at him. I thought he would still be mad at me. I guess he had brooded himself out or he was just tired enough to not remember the hours of silence. I sighed, remembering how helpless I had felt when I was fighting with him – drowning again under my responsibility – and silently willed us to find some common ground. He'd thrown me a lifeline and now it was my turn to take it.

"I wasn't mad at you," I assured him, but he looked doubtful

I sighed a little and sat down on the bed beside him. He was squinting in the light so I reached over and flipped the lamp off.

"I got frustrated and I yelled and I shouldn't have," I explained

He looked far younger than he usually did and I think that made it easier to talk to him. I hoped with the street lamp behind me he wouldn't be able to see me as well as I could see him. It would make me feel a lot better to have a bit of anonymity if he wanted to have this heart-to-heart.

"It was just a party, Darry."

I wanted to shake my head. He used the same line with everything…

"And there'll be others at better times when someone else can go with you," I added

"I can look after myself. I'm not a little kid anymore."

How was I going to explain to him that I wanted someone to go with him to look after everyone else? He was a smart kid, but he just didn't use his head and there was Curly to contend with…

"No, you're not. You were easier to keep an eye on when you were."

He smirked slightly and yawned widely.

"Listen, this weekend we'll do something, ok?" I asked and he nodded "Just you and me. Maybe Soda, if you're feeling generous."

He nodded again and it was obvious he was going to fall right back to sleep. I ruffled his hair and he grabbed my hand, shooting a small glare at me. He shouldn't have bothered; I figured out too late that he had grease through his hair. I smiled at him anyways in that annoying older brother way and threw in a couple brushes of his ribs with my fingers before standing up. He rolled over in a huff and yawned again. I shook my head and left the room.

It was a few hours later when I woke up to the sound of the front door opening. I rubbed my eyes and looked over at the clock. It was half past one. I looked over at where Sodapop was quietly taking off his shoes and waited until he looked up and met my eyes. He grinned sheepishly and I raised an eyebrow.

"We lost track of time…"

"I'd say so," I pointed out as I straightened up in the easy chair I had made my bed

"So, how'd your night go?" He asked, obviously changing the subject

I allowed myself a smirk and shook my head "Ponyboy finally threw me a lifeline."

Soda gave me an odd look before running a hand through his hair.

"You should get some sleep, Darry. We'll talk in the morning."

I smiled at him and he half-heartedly returned it before sending me a suspicious glance and going down the hall towards his bedroom. I chuckled to myself, feeling lighter than I had in a while. It was nice to be able to breathe again, even if it was just until tomorrow when I had to give Soda a stern talking to about curfews. Before I could think too hard on what I wanted to say, I headed to bed. Right now all I wanted to deal with was another couple hours of sleep. After all, everyone always says its better to sleep on things than to lay awake later regretting them. I already had enough to regret and a lot more to work at. Ponyboy was teaching me that every time he and I didn't see eye to eye. We may never get along like we used to, but a least I knew that he would toss me a line when I desperately needed it and that was all that mattered.

The End

See ya in the funny papers!!!

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