"Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine."

-Lord Byron

The User's Guide and Manual For

1971 Willy Wonka Original Model

Copyright Actors Ltd.

Gene Wilder, Chief Technical Advisor

CONGRATULATIONS!

Thank you for ordering your very own Wilder Wonka Unit! If you carefully read and follow the information so very kindly given to you in this user guide, then no problems whatsoever should ensue.

TECHNICALITIES:

Unit Name: William 'Willy' Wonka

Type: Male

Species: Human

Manufacturers: The Wilder World Corps.

Height: 1.79m

Weight: 165 lbs

Eyes: Blue

Hair: Light brown/blond frizzy Einstein-esque hairdo

Adaptation: 1971 Original Model (Note: 1971 Original Model may be divergent to the 2005 upgrade.)

ACCESSORIES:

Your Wonka Unit will be shipped to you as soon as is necessary for your convenience, since there is an abundant stock of these left over due to the recent popularity of the new 2005 Upgrade Wonka Model. Units arrive fully clad in their plum velvet suit, orangey-tan top hat (Note: 1971 Wonka Unit has a tendency to take hat off when singing about imagination or when deeply upset with a 1971 Charlie Bucket Unit. Make sure it doesn't get lost, or there'll be hell to pay.), tan slacks and purpley waistcoat. Comes complete with a cane. (Note: 1971 Wonka Unit has a propensity to pretend to use this cane in order to inspire pity in an audience before performing some acclaimed acrobatic feat.)

And as an added bonus, your 1971 Wonka Unit will be accompanied with a tiny patch of Honey-Tea Buttercups, which will satisfy anyone's sweet tooth and decorate any empty window-boxes. (Note: 1971 Wonka Unit may start to eat these while singing about paradise and make-believe as well.)

MODES:

Normal Mode: 1971 Wonka Units are very hospitable, but are liable to cut the objects in their personal quarters all in half. Be aware of this, and do not give them leave to make themselves at home, or this will probably happen 79.89 percent of the time.

Singing Mode: Yes…this is pretty much self-explanatory. 1971 Wonka Units love to sing, especially about lovers and springtime and imagination-viewing.

Angry Mode: 1971 Wonka Units will probably only display this feature when a 1971 Real Slugworth Unit steals his candy recipes, OR when a 1971 Grandpa Joe Unit and a 1971 Charlie Bucket Unit disobey orders and gobble down Fizzy Lifting Drinks.

STATES:

Unseen Reclusive State: This is usually the first thing that happens when your 1971 Wonka Unit arrives out of its box. It will be moderately friendly and polite, but it will tend to lock itself in its room or wherever you keep it. And do not bother it.

First Glimpse State: This is your 1971 Wonka Unit's new leaf after getting used to your strange lifestyle. He will be cheerful and fun to be around, while reciting Shakespeare and creating original delectable sweets.

Happily Ever After State: This will be the most normal state that your 1971 Wonka Unit will ever be in. He will be happy and content – especially with a 1971 Charlie Bucket Unit and a 1971 Grandpa Joe Unit to ride in his Wonkavator. He will also cause other Units to rescale into alter-characterizations. (Note: See Troubleshooting.)

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:

Your Wonka Unit will be very friendly and welcoming towards you – unlike the new 2005 Upgrade Wonka Unit – and will most likely sing you a lovely array of melodies in a pleasing tenor voice. All controls are voice activated, especially when you have a nice singing voice. But if you do talk, speak loudly – your 1971 Wonka Unit is deaf in one ear.

Don't be alarmed if your 1971 Wonka Unit starts to turn red and get all splotchy in the face and bares his teeth at you. It most likely means that you've done something to upset him, and this will be cured if you simply set a little Gobstopper on his desk. Then he'll call you a dear, and will probably give you a hug. And then take you for a ride in his Wonkavator.

1971 WONKA UNIT SKILLS:

Accomplished Candymaker:
Need a little sugary something to brighten your mood? Never fear – your 1971 Wonka Unit can stir up lovely little sweets, provided he has the correct machinery equipment and multi-colored material to cover the thing with. (Note: Do not attempt to look underneath the material – your 1971 Wonka Unit is very possessive about his secret recipes, and will blow up at you if you do.)

Singing Extraordinaire:
Your 1971 Wonka Unit can sing. Really well. If you are a good little girl or boy, he might even teach you, and then you both could sing duets with the Oompa-Loompas.

CLEANING:

Cleaning is essential to your 1971 Wonka Unit. It is recommended that you give him his own fresher to clean himself, and make sure that the tub is ivory with clawed feet. Do not, however, on any circumstances, give him Sleek Hair Shampoo. His hairdo is frizzy for a reason.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q: My 1971 Wonka Unit won't stop talking in German. Is this a defect in his voice/language chip?
A: Not at all. 1971 Wonka Units talk half the time in English and half the time in other languages of their choosing. French, Latin, German, and Spanish are the options.

Q: My 1971 Wonka Unit keeps on rhyming and screaming. Should I be worried?
A: That depends. If your 1971 Wonka Unit loves to take you out on his yacht, and then leads it into a dark tunnel where disgusting clips are projected onto the walls while rhyming and screaming, then you have no need to worry. That's natural. If it's because you've been naughty, then there's only a 5.32 percent chance that you'll not meet a despicable end. Terribly sorry.

Q: I hate my 1971 Wonka Unit's hair! Can I adjust it to something more…normal?
A: Ah – no, you can't. So sorry, but your 1971 Wonka Unit has hair that will resist any attempt to change. It's that untamable.

Q: My 1971 Wonka Unit keeps on playing some very strange flute. What does this mean?
A: That is very simple. He is merely trying to call the Oompa-Loompas, because he may have a problem. We suggest you order three custom-made 1971 Orangieface Oompa-Loompas if that occurs more than once – because your 1971 Wonka Unit goes very temperamental when things don't turn out the way he wants them to.

TROUBLESHOOTING:

Problem: My 1971 Wonka unit keeps on yelling, "It could work! It could work!" and "My grandfather's work was doodoo!" Is there a problem?

Solution: Yes. You have ordered the Young Frankenstein unit by mistake. If you still wish to purchase a 1971 Wonka Unit, then do call this number: 1-800-1971-WONKA-UNIT-PRETTY-PLEASE-WITH-SUGAR-ON-TOP. However, we do not take refunds. You're stuck with your Young Frankenstein Unit and whatever Frankenstein-Monster Units it creates. Forever. (See our contract statement.)

Problem: I have just bought the 2005 Upgrade Wonka Unit, and I already have the 1971 Wonka Unit. Now they're having a huge fight about who's the better Wonka. What should I do?

Solution: Ah. So glad that came up. Well, we know this is hard, but you simply must wait until the fight wears off. This has been a worldwide dispute ever since the 2005 Upgrade Wonka Unit hit the shelves, and there are people in the world who hate one and love the other. (Since the ones that don't really care or like both aren't paid attention to.) This 'fight' has been programmed deep into both the Wonka Units' circuitry, so there really isn't anything you can do. Except, some people had found that a few chocolate bars each and some Butterscotch and Buttergin has a 65.24 percent chance of alleviating both Wonka Units' tempers. But it's terribly risky, and a rather life-threatening step to take, so if you value your skin not turning blue or not being dropped down the Eggdicator, you're ah…well…screwed if you do that, most likely.

Problem: My 1971 Wonka Unit's getting really friendly with a 1971 Slugworth Unit, and they're exchanging candy recipes and stuff. I keep trying to warn my 1971 Wonka Unit about this, but he won't listen to me, even when I sing. What the f--- is going on?

Solution: Has your 1971 Wonka Unit been switched to Happily Ever After State? (Note: States are different from modes. States refer to the situational aspects of the Units' characters, and Modes are really more of the emotional statuses of the Units.) If so, then this means that the 1971 Slugworth Unit has been automatically rescaled to respond to the alter-characterization imbedded into his programming: Mr. Thomas Wilkenson. When this happens, the 1971 Thomas Wilkenson Unit and the 1971 Wonka Unit are colleagues, and have the perfect right to talk about candy, you impertinent little thing.

FINAL NOTES

To conclude, owing to your purchase of the 1971 Wonka Unit, your life will go from boring to exciting and very sweet. A 1971 Wonka Unit will fill the rest of your days with lovely singing and pleasurable strolls and delicious goodies to munch on. Plus you could possible learn the rudiments of four possible languages. Do have fun, but just be careful not to have too much fun, or else good fortune may backfire on you. And don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted – he lived happily ever after.

Contract Statement: By purchasing this product, you are in full control of safety and welfare of said Unit and are responsible for any damage/injury it or you may receive. This includes physical injuries, social issues, and damages to the otherwise normal psyche. And also by purchasing this product, the company Copywright Actors Ltd. is by no means the cause of any other unfortunate mishaps that may occur. Oh, and we do not accept refunds. Once you buy it - you keep it. Savvy?

Have a splendid day.

Note: This was inspired by sparrowed's brilliant Complete User's Guide And Manual For Willy Wonka and the wonderful author Yva J., with her story In Another's Eyes