I own nothing.
I should never have let it go so far. There's a reason people always say it's best to keep romance out of the workplace. It complicates things; it's difficult to work with someone after the love you once had morphs into hate. It's even harder to work with someone you never stopped loving, especially when the mere sight of him is enough to fill your head with fantasies of him taking you on your desk.
I knew I shouldn't let it happen with Jim. I noticed the way my body responded to him, and I should have taken that as a sign to steer clear. I tried, but I wasn't successful. Almost before I knew what was happening, a dinner with Jim led to us making love on my living room floor.
I don't think he and I ever had sex in a bed. I'm not saying that our relationship was based on nothing but sex; I truly was…and am…in love with him. But the physical aspect seemed to overshadow everything else. It was absolutely amazing, and I would venture to say it was so intense because of our emotional connection.
That's what I was missing with Robert. Only a couple months after I started seeing him, we were already kissing each other on the cheek to say goodbye and calling each other 'honey' and 'sweetie' in front of other people. We hardly ever talked, and when we did, it was nothing special. They were conversations I could have had with absolutely anyone.
That was never the case with Jim. He wouldn't dare kiss me on the cheek in public because we both knew that a single touch was enough to remind us of the insatiable need for each other that we tried so desperately to hide during business hours. He couldn't call me anything but 'Alex' if we needed to remain professional. Even calling me 'Al' evoked a response in me that sometimes threatened to send me over the edge. I saw him smirking at me every time he used that nickname that only he could get away with.
Staying away from him, being with Robert, was the most painful experience. I never can explain to myself why I have this inability to let myself be happy…why not just stay with Jim? I convinced myself it was because I was his boss, but that wasn't really true. I was scared to be anything but sad and lonely. It's all I've ever known, really.
That night…I can't even remember how the hell we both ended up naked in my office. We were talking about something, arguing, actually, and the next thing I knew he was kissing me so hard I couldn't breathe. Within seconds I was on my back on my desk and I felt him slide my bra from my shoulders.
I can't believe I let him do that…anyone could have walked by, Robert could have come to pick me up…anything. I didn't even think about it.
I didn't think about the fact that I was cheating on Robert. I didn't acknowledge that I was breaking every rule of propriety. I didn't think about anything; all that mattered was that Jim not stop. I needed to feel his ragged breath on my neck, his fingers stroking me, his strong, painful movements inside me. It hurt…I felt like he was about to tear me in two, but I needed more. I was practically crying from the pain, but I pulled him to me even harder.
I heard him moaning my name, telling me that he loved me, but I couldn't say anything. I clenched my eyes shut as the most powerful orgasm I've ever had ripped through me, and I bit my tongue to keep from screaming his name. I was filled with love so strong that I couldn't catch my breath, and yet, as my heart was overflowing with love, it was also breaking into a million pieces with a feeling I couldn't quite place.
I was with Robert. As much as I wanted him, I couldn't have Jim. I couldn't let myself be happy. I didn't deserve it.
As Jim collapsed on top of me, kissing my neck, I sank into a feeling of despair that was all too familiar. The desk beneath me disappeared, replaced by cold, rocky asphalt. Jim's body disintegrated and I felt the bone-deep chill of the night. I could see nothing but the endless sky above me. I felt the blood seeping out of my shoulder, taking my life with it.
It's too late.