Fooling Ourselves

Chapter 1: Parting Ways

Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns them but he is EVIL! We must fight to liberate our poor tortured souls!

A/N: Okay, so I'm really not doing anything to liberate their tortured souls yet but you guys have to bear with me. You all know that I am the EOiest EO believer there is (or at least one of them) and all will work out. Also, I know I've been starting stories left and right but new episodes always inspire me. Which is one of the few plusses to having the whole summer without new episodes because maybe I can finish this story.

"What did you mean when you asked me what I was going to do?" Elliot asked, sitting sadly beside Olivia on her couch. He hadn't gone to Kathy after handing Kathleen over to the traffic cops. He had come to Olivia and he didn't know why. That wasn't true, he knew why, he just wasn't ready to admit it yet.

Olivia sighed. She wasn't ready for this talk but why not have it now? She'd had enough uncomfortable talks today. What was one more in the grand scheme of things? "I…" she started and realized that this was going to be the most uncomfortable one of all. She took another deep breath "What are you going to do?" she asked again. There was no way she could tell him why she was asking until she knew his answer.

It was Elliot's turn to sigh "What do you think I'm going to do?" he had answered her question with one of his own. "Kathy's pregnant with my child. I can't let that child come into a world that I'm not a part of."

Olivia nodded. She knew how important Elliot's children were to him. She hadn't expected him to say that he would never have anything to do with this baby. Still, his response did not give her the answer she was so desperately searching for. "So you'll definitely be moving back home?" she asked.

Elliot Stabler had sat in the courtroom during enough trials to know what a fishing expedition sounded like. The problem was, he didn't know the answer to her question. He leaned back against the couch cushions "Got any beer?" he asked, hoping to steer the conversation away from this topic.

Always willing to oblige, Olivia nodded "Sure," she smiled softly as she rose from the couch. She walked the short distance to her refrigerator. She returned to the couch in only a few seconds with two bottles of beer. If she was going to get through this night, she was sure she would need at least one drink to take the edge off.

"Thanks," Elliot murmured before taking a long swallow before setting the by then half empty bottle on Olivia's coffee table.

Olivia sighed again, doing the same with her own beer. Although she was desperate to know the answer to her question, she was just as desperate to dodge it. What ever Elliot's answer was, she knew that things could never be the same between them. There had been a lot of those turning points in their friendship lately but this one was by far the biggest yet. She rubbed the back of her hand across her eyes and chose a different topic "The brass will have their decision tomorrow about my badge."

"What'll you do if they don't agree with Porter?" Elliot asked. This topic was just as uncomfortable for him as the other one. He could feel Olivia slipping away from him in every aspect. He had to stop it somehow.

Olivia sighed, possibly the heaviest sigh of the evening. She wasn't sure how to tell him about the offer that Porter had made her. She decided just to get it over with "He said he might be able to pull some strings for me at the bureau, try and get me a position with his unit."

"That's a great offer," Elliot stated. Even if she did get to keep her badge, she might actually pursue a position with the FBI. And what kind of friend would he be if he stood in her way?

"Yeah, yeah it is," Olivia mused. Still, she hoped that she wouldn't lose her badge. She had run away from Elliot too many times when he needed her in the past and she couldn't do that to him again. But if she was drummed out of the NYPD, there was no way she would be able to stay in New York. She would need to move on and begin a new life somewhere else.

A heavy silence descended upon them. Each was thinking about how they would be losing the other in one respect or another. It was a long time before either of them spoke again. Elliot was the first to venture conversation again "It's been a hell of a year," he said as if that simple statement could fix everything that was crashing down around them.

"Yeah," Olivia murmured, reaching for her bottle of beer and draining the last of it. She stood up and retrieved two more from the refrigerator; by the time she had returned to the couch, Elliot had finished his as well. "Here," she said, handing him the bottle.

"Thanks," he said, setting it on the table without touching it while Olivia took a few sips of hers.

She turned to him "I never said congratulations," she told him "I really am happy for you and Kathy."

"No you aren't," Elliot said flatly as he reached for his empty beer bottle and rolled it between his hands.

"Excuse me," Olivia slid away from him on the couch and looked at him with the shock that his words had caused, clearly written on her face."

Elliot set the empty bottle on the table and reached for the full beer; he drained it in one gulp. "You asked me what I was going to do. You don't need to ask me a question like that; we know each other too well. Yes, I'll move back in with Kathy and take care of her and the baby and you knew that. The fact that you asked means you were hoping I'd do something else."

Olivia hung her head. Damn her love for this man and her foolish hope that they had a chance. Damn that undercover assignment in Oregon when he had snuck into her dreams so much more forcefully than he ever had before. Damn her mouth for blurting that stupid question out instead of being the encouraging friend that she had become over the years. Just… Damn.

In all her cursing she never once held ill will towards Elliot for sleeping with Kathy or Kathy for telling him. She would have loved to curse Kathy but Elliot obviously cared about his wife, not even anything resembling ex-wife anymore, because they would definitely forget all about the divorce papers even if they were already signed. She couldn't hold any ill will towards Kathy.

Yet another heavy ominous silence had descended. Again, Elliot was the one who attempted to break it. "For what it's worth," he said softly "I wish I could choose differently."

"What?" Olivia looked up at him almost hopefully, though her heart seemed to be drowning at the same time as his words were lifting it just above the surface.

Elliot laid a hand on her arm "You are an incredible woman Olivia and… I care about you a lot," he couldn't get the words out right "I love you but… this thing… with Kathy being pregnant… I just wish…"

Olivia placed her hand on his cheek "I know," she said softly "I don't want to do anything to disrupt your family Elliot. No matter how much I may have wanted us to be together, I would never want you to turn your back on the things that you believe," her words were flowing from her heart as the tears began to pour from her eyes. She leaned forward and place a gentle kiss on his lips. She separated and stood up, clearing the empty beer bottles from the coffee table as she did so "Tell Kathy congratulations from me," she turned towards the kitchen and placed the bottles in the trash "Good night Elliot."

He stood to leave but instead closed the distance between them. He embraced her warmly, knowing that when he let go, it would have to be for good "I will always love you Olivia Benson," he whispered into her hair.

Olivia allowed her head to rest against his chest "I will always love you Elliot Stabler," she whispered back. She separated from him and turned away "You should leave now," her voice was small, choked back with emotion. It was already too painful to actually know that her feelings were reciprocated but that they would never and could never be acted upon.

Elliot walked to the door, wishing that she wasn't so understanding, wishing that she would scream at him, throw something at his head, tie him up and never let him leave. He reached for the doorknob and turned back to look at her. She had made no movement from where she stood, her back facing him, her shoulders shaking so slightly that no one who didn't know her would have been able to detect the movement. He opened the door and stepped through "Goodbye Olivia," he said barely loud enough for her to hear.

But she did hear. The sound of the door clicking shut sounded so final as it rang in her ears like a gong. That combined with his words and the situation in general pushed her over the edge and she crumbled to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably and pounding her fists against the linoleum.

When she finally managed to climb to her feet, still sobbing, she ran into her bedroom and began flinging her possessions into her duffle bag. She just couldn't stay in this city after tonight, it would be too painful.

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She stood in the chief of detectives' office, face to face with the man who, literally and figuratively, held her badge in his hands. "Based on Agent Porter's statement," he began "I think we can chalk you actions up to your good instincts as a cop," he handed the badge back to her.

"Thank you Sir," she said with a half smile on her face before handing the badge back to him "But in light of recent events," she refused to elaborate on just which 'recent events' she was referring to "I think it's best if I leave the NYPD," she withdrew her duty weapon from it's holster at her waist and handed it to him.

"You're sure about this?" the chief asked.

Olivia nodded "There's nothing left in Manhattan for me anymore," she turned and left the office.

Dean Porter stood against the wall just outside, Olivia's duffle bag slung over one shoulder. "You're sure about this?" he asked when he saw her emerge.

Olivia nodded, sincerely hoping that that was the last time she would have to hear that question for a long time "Yeah," she whispered "Let's go."

A/N: You guys have to stop throwing things. I know it's totally evil what I'm doing but you have to have faith. Faith in me and faith in Elliot and Olivia that they will find their way back to one another. Also, I don't remember what the name of the unit that Agent Porter was reassigned to was but I do remember that it was like the FBI version of SVU so that's what I'll be treating it as. And to TV Angel 711 who wrote me a PM asking about "NCISVU", if we're lucky, Olivia might run into some of our Navy cop buddies in her adventures with Porter.

Also I must explain that I haven't posted anything in a while because my cat was in the animal hospital for two days and she has an infection. She has only recently started eating again and I have felt like I am able to leave her side long enough to write and post this.