Chapter 14

Grief

The Funeral was held the day Lily was released from the hospital. Emily Potter made the arrangements for her granddaughter's burial.

The day was cold and stormy, much colder than it should have been for May. Lily stood next to her husband as she watched the tiny white casket disappear behind the Earth. She had hardly spoken since hearing of her baby's death. Alice told her that she had been lucky to survive, because the baby had taken the force of the Cruciatus Curse for her. If she hadn't been pregnant, it was very likely that Lily would have died from the attack.

Lily secretly wished that she could lie down and sleep next to her child.

James' grief was not silent. His eyes were red from days of almost constant tears, and he had to force himself to maintain control as he stood between Lily and Sirius.

When the casket reached the bottom of the deep grave, Lily and James stepped forward together, dropping a bouquet of white roses and baby's breath on top of the small wooden box.

James was worried about his wife, and he didn't understand why she wouldn't talk to him. He had expected them to share their grief with one another, to work through this and face it as they had every other obstacle that had ever stood before them. Instead, she shut down, she shut him out. He wasn't sure if it was because of their quarrel before the battle had broken out or if she was simply too distraught. He prayed it was the former, because he wasn't sure if he could handle the kind of grief Lily seemed to be exuding.

As they all began to file out of the graveyard, heading to Potter Manor for the wake, James tried to take his wife's hand, to show some small portion of support. She wouldn't meet his eye as she pulled away from him and quickened her pace.

"Just give her time," said a soft voice behind him. James turned to see Remus with a sad smile.

"I know. I'm trying," James answered, his voice shaking.

Remus had been horrified by his actions when he awoke at St. Mungo's. Although Lily and James had both assured him that they did not blame him for what had happened, he couldn't help but carry a decent amount of the weight on his shoulders. He felt he should have fought harder against the Imperius Curse, that he should have realized sooner that Olivers was the spy, but he had been too distraught that his secret had been betrayed to give the spy the attention he deserved.

Remus sighed.

"I wanted to say again how… sorry I am. For everything," he said softly, not meeting James' eyes.

"You know it wasn't your fault," James replied, also staring at the ground.

"Still, I- I feel responsible, somehow-"

"Cut it out," James snapped, suddenly looking up. "I've told you not to blame yourself. You were cursed, you couldn't control your actions, and that's the end of it. Stop making this whole bloody fair about yourself."

He turned on his heel and stomped away, leaving a shell-shocked Remus behind.

"He doesn't mean it," Sirius said softly, coming over to stand by Remus' side. He knew James better than anyone, understand better the grief that James was feeling. "He truly doesn't blame you for the child's death, but he doesn't know what else to do. There's no other channel for his anger, and you're being a willing vessel, so he's taking it out on you. Stop being angry with yourself, and he'll stop being angry with you."

Remus sighed.

"I suppose you're right."

They both watched as James walked to his mother and took her arm, leading her from the cemetery.

Alice was worried as she watched Lily from across the room. All through the wake, she watched as Lily nodded and shook people's hands, accepting condolences. Lily was pale, so pale that she looked sickly. She didn't meet people's eyes when she spoke to them. Alice suspected that she wasn't wearing a speck of makeup and had barely eaten in days, which worried her. After watching from afar for about an hour, she brought Lily a small plate of food.

"You look dead on your feet. You need to eat something," she said softly. Lily nodded numbly and accepted the plate that was offered. Alice walked back to her seat next to Frank and watched as Lily set the plate down, untouched, moments later.

Across the room, James sat in an armchair, facing the fire, surrounded by his three best friends. Some would have thought James a poor husband for leaving his wife alone to greet the mourners who came to offer their sympathies, but those who knew him best knew that he didn't want to be there any more than Lily wanted him there. James preferred to suffer his grief in silence, leaning on his family and close friends. He thought that funerals should be a private affair, held for the benefit of the family, not something public that anyone who wished could attend.

The Marauders also knew that James and Lily had barely spoken three words to each other since Lily had left the hospital. Every time James tried to comfort his wife, to share his grief with her, she shut down, she left the room, leaving James alone to grieve for their child in solitude.

In truth, James wasn't the slightest bit surprised when Lily slumped into a dead faint two hours into the solemn gathering. He simply stood from his chair by the fire, picked her up from the floor and carried her upstairs. He laid her down in his childhood bedroom, then cast a spell to awaken her.

Lily was disoriented when she came to, and for a moment she had no idea where she was or why.

"Are you alright?" James asked softly.

"I have a headache," she replied.

"You probably hit it when you fell. Let me see," James responded, helping her sit up slightly and examining the back of her head. "It's just a little bump. You're alright."

"I don't want to go back down there," Lily said softly after a few moments of silence.

"Me either," James replied. "I'll run down and tell Mum that we're leaving. Be right back."

This short conversation was entirely too characteristic of their behavior towards each other over the next month. James remained cautious and concerned but distant, trying to give her time, while Lily stayed cold, never revealing her feelings, never allowing her husband to share her unbearable grief.

A/N: Okay, I'm going to admit that this chapter and the next might be a bit few and far between. I really kind of hate writing Angst, but there's nothing else to do with this plotline, so Angst it must be. Anyways, hope it's a good one.

Please leave a review; usual standards apply. Just let me know you're here!

Love from

Lyny Angell