Fried Eggs And Other Small Tragedies
Chapter Two: Full Adoption Of The Delko Technique

"Did you get the results?"

"What?"

Eric frowned at his partner, fighting the urge to slap him across the head with a newspaper. He'd just walked out of a long, tiring brainstorming session with Calleigh, expecting to find Ryan hard at work on the evidence they got. Instead, he found him standing in the middle of the hallway, staring at nothing.

Every day he picked up on another one of Horatio's idiotic tendencies.

"Did you get the results?" Eric said. "I'm assuming you did and that's why you're standing here doing nothing while the rest of us are still working."

"Oh," Ryan said morosely, frowning slightly. He looked down at the little bag in his hand. "Uh, not yet."

Eric was a little taken aback by the response. "Do you want me to carry you inside and then put you down for a nap, or is there another reason why you're just standing there?"

Ryan hesitated, looking at the door in front of him with a great deal of reluctance. He wanted to give Eric an answer, a good answer, but he found himself at a loss and it didn't take the older CSI long before he sighed.

"Well, if we could get the results before my retirement party, that would be super terrific," Eric said and began to walk away. "What's with you, man?"

Ryan didn't watch him go, but rather looked down at his sparkly black shoes and then up again.

He wanted to go in there. He wanted to drop the sample off and get the results promptly and finally put this asshole behind bars. He wanted to do his job.

The problem was: Valera stood on the other side of the door, and though in any given day Ryan found himself walking into the DNA lab at least 20 times, today he found he couldn't even look in the room's direction without freezing in place.

He wasn't scared, not... really. Not of her, at least. He was somehow apprehensive about walking in as casually as he was capable of and somehow making a fool out of himself, on account of his personality and all. He was scared of opening his mouth only to find his voice was gone or worse, squeaky and awkward like he was some nerdy prepubescent boy. Or maybe none of those things would happen. Maybe he would simply walk in, the epitome of smoothness, only to slip on an unsuspecting banana peel and fall down right in front of her.

Because you never know when you might slip on a banana peel. He knew that much from watching cartoons.

But hell, not that he cared. Not that Valera cared. Not that he cared if Valera cared or not. He was just anxious, for no reason that he could think of except he was still hyper-aware of the bit of skin on the corner of his mouth where she kissed him, and how different it felt from the rest of his body.

He was nervous, that much he knew. He didn't know the reason, or why Valera was a part of it, he only knew that when he got nervous he tended to say and do the wrong things. Embarrassing things. Flashback freshman year of high school, 1992, mustering up the courage to walk up to Christy Wilcox, the most popular girl in school, only to end up accidentally spitting his gum on her expensive silk blouse. Cue her loud shrieks and never-ending tears. Ryan didn't remember much after that, except meeting Christy's boyfriend short after for a taste of an atomic wedgie and a nice little shove into the girls' bathroom. Not exactly the best of times.

So when he spotted Natalia walking down the hallway he quickly ran in her direction, placing the bag of evidence in her hands as she gave him a weird look.

"Hey, Natalia, could you give this to Valera?" he said quickly. "Tell her it's from the Pruitt case. Thanks, thanks so much."

"No—Ryan!" Natalia began to protest but he was gone. Sighing at the bag of evidence, she walked into the DNA. "Idiot."

---

"Hey. Wanna join me for lunch? Unless you still have some more staring ahead to do. I understand how important it is for you to achieve full Caine potential."

Ryan frowned at Eric's sarcasm, pulling a chair back and letting his body fall on it with a loud thump before he smacked a brown bag on the table and began to retrieve his lunch from inside. Normally he didn't let Eric get away with insulting him – not too often anyway – but today he wasn't in the mood.

A fact that didn't go over Eric's head.

The older CSI inspected him as he sat back in his chair and Ryan suddenly felt like an animal on display at the zoo. "Girl problems?"

Ryan's head snapped up. "No! What? No—how did you—"

Eric chuckled. "You have that look on your face."

"What look?"

"Like you just figured out you're in love with Dylan but now he's going out with Kelly," Eric said and Ryan frowned at him. "I have sisters," he added defensively.

Ryan shook his head and looked down at his suddenly unappetizing sandwich. Not that he didn't consider Eric a friend per se, he did, despite their tumultuous relationship. Something about unloading his thoughts into another human being just didn't feel quite right. He'd always been reserved about his personal problems, and there was a great chance Eric wouldn't understand anyway. Hell, he didn't understand it himself and besides, he was sure he was making a big deal out of nothing.

"Come on, I wrote the book on girl problems," Eric said.

"And that's supposed to comfort me?"

"Rest assured that whatever it is you're going through, I've been there at least five times. This is me passing my knowledge on to you."

Ryan smiled sardonically. "It's always nice when whores give something back to the community."

Eric nodded and rolled his eyes. "I'm only letting that one slide cause you're feeling under the weather. Now spit it or I'll punch you in the mouth for the whore remark."

Ryan sighed, looking at him and feeling conflicted. On the one hand he wasn't sure how Eric would help, and he didn't feel too comfortable talking about his personal problems, he never had. On the other hand, Eric might shed some light into the situation, which grew more worrisome and confusing by the second. Sometimes when the evidence isn't being cooperative, it's good to have a fresh pair of eyes to help.

He cleared his throat, shifting in his chair.

"Ever felt, uh..." he hesitated, grimacing at the look on Eric's face. "You know..."

Eric looked at him expectantly. "...not so fresh down there? Don't worry, sweetheart, it happens to all of us."

"Okay, I'm done," Ryan said, standing up.

But Eric grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down as he chuckled. "Relax, Wolfe, it was a joke. Come on, I'm listening."

Ryan sat down with a sigh, looking around reluctantly and feeling a tad nervous again. And pissed, both at Eric and... hell, everyone. Mostly at himself for over-thinking things, because now that the words were leaving his mouth they sounded ridiculous and petty.

He began again. "I was just wondering—well, it would appear that this girl kissed me lately, and uh—"

Eric frowned. "Who?"

"It doesn't matter."

"So I know her."

Ryan looked at him. "What?"

"If I didn't know her you would've just pointed that out," Eric explained.

Ryan shook his head, confused. "No, I mean, it's just—it doesn't matter." Eric became pensive. "Anyway, recently, this girl kissed me, and I'm just—I'm just not sure what the kiss meant," Ryan finished, scratching the back of his head and feeling slightly foolish.

Eric frowned. "She just kissed you."

Ryan nodded. "Yes."

"Out of the blue."

"Yes, well—somewhat. Um, we'd been talking beforehand," he explained. "But yes, pretty much."

Eric narrowed his eyes at him. "Was it Calleigh?"

"What? No," Ryan said. "Why would Calleigh kiss me?"

Eric frowned suspiciously, but then shrugged his shoulders. "It's a kiss, Wolfe. Of course she likes you. You don't usually make out with someone unless you do."

"Well, that's the thing, it wasn't a, you know, like a kiss with tongue and all that," Ryan said. "It was sort of a—a peck."

"A peck."

"But it was on the corner of my mouth, like, at least forty percent of her lips were on mine," Ryan added, looking at Eric expectantly. "What does it mean?"

But Eric shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, man."

Ryan frowned. "I thought you said you were an expert!"

"Well, it's kinda hard to tell without knowing who you're talking about," Eric said defensively. "I man, I would have to know—"

"It wasn't Calleigh," Ryan said, annoyed.

"Okay."

Ryan sighed, pushing his sandwich away. "I hate it when they do that. Why do women do that? Don't they know how hard it is to decipher the kiss on the corner of the mouth? I mean, does she see me as a friend, or does she like me and this was her way of showing it, or did she just miscalculate the distance between her cheek and my cheek—I mean, forty percent, that's a lot of lip for it to be an accident, right? I guess it would be clearer if it'd been something like sixty percent or seventy percent, but forty percent isn't exactly chaste, either. Right?"

"Okay, first of all, settle down, you're starting to release progesterone," Eric said, watching as Ryan sighed miserably. "Second, this is an easy problem with an even easier solution."

Ryan looked up, hopeful. "Really? What should I do?"

Eric shrugged his shoulders. "Kiss her."

"What? No, I'm not gonna kiss her," Ryan chuckled nervously.

"It's the only way to find out."

"Really? The only way?" Ryan said sarcastically. "I can't just ask her?"

Eric shook his head. "Kids," he sighed. "No, you can't ask her. You can't just walk up to a girl and ask her if she likes you, what is this, junior high?"

"Oh, right, asking her would be stupid, I can see why the sensible thing would be to rape her," Ryan said sarcastically.

"A kiss is not rape," Eric said, annoyed. "Besides, what's the worst thing that could happen?"

"She could shoot me!" Ryan said dramatically.

Eric's eyes narrowed again. "She has access to guns?"

"It's not Calleigh!" Ryan said. "And I'm sorry, I can't do that, I can't just walk up to a woman and kiss her, I'm not Ricardo Montalban."

"You don't have to be, just need to be confident, man," Eric said, starting to feel frustrated. "How did you hook up with Suzie Reporter, anyway?"

"We were drunk," Ryan confessed. "And she sort of... took the lead on that one."

Eric chuckled, shaking his head. "Wow, you need more help than I thought."

Ryan sighed. "Still, this girl is not like Erica. At all. I can't just—I can't just kiss her, I don't know how she'd react."

Eric sighed, gathering the remains of his lunch into a bag. "Just do it, man. Trust me, it works," he said, standing up and patting Ryan's back. "Worst case scenario, she slaps you, in which case you just move on. But what if she doesn't? What if she likes it?"

Ryan became thoughtful, staring straight ahead as Eric left the room. Could Valera really like him? No, come on. His first year in the lab she hated his guts. They spent most of their time bickering and he was partly responsible for her getting suspended. And true, they'd put all their differences aside and got along better now, but that still didn't mean she liked him.

Did it?

He shook his head. No. There was no way in hell. Girls like Valera didn't go after guys like him. They were a mismatch made in the fiery pits of hell. She was crazy and unpredictable and fun, he was serious, obsessed with routine and cantankerous. He spent his weekends meticulously cleaning his apartment; hers was probably a mess. He took refuge in being careful, ready, and cautious; she probably did what she wanted, when she wanted, without concerning herself with time, money or consequences. She didn't like him. She couldn't like him. The problem was...

He was starting to like her. He didn't know how or when it happened, but he understood now he was starting to develop a little crush on Maxine Valera.

And how was he supposed to deal with that? What if it kept growing and growing into something more dangerous? He needed to put an end to it, because he wasn't particularly fond of the possibility of getting his heart broken, and he would get his heart broken, because there was no way in hell that Maxine Valera thought of him as anything more than a co-worker.

Of course, she'd kissed him. So what? She had been feeling emotional and grateful and sometimes people do stupid things when they're emotional. Because other than that, she'd yet to give him an indication that she liked him. There was nothing there.

He shook his head and stood up. Kiss her. God, could Delko be a bigger idiot? What the hell was that supposed to accomplish, anyway? And what was he supposed to do, just walk into the DNA lab, grab her face and shove his tongue in her mouth? Horatio would hang his balls off the ceiling and then the whole lab would whack them with sticks piñata style until candy came out of them.

Of course, this would be a sure way to get his answer right then and there. Either she kicked him in the nuts, or... of course she wouldn't kiss him back, ever, but there was still a slight possibility that she would. Or not. Probably not, but he was sure that if she rejected him he'd get over her quickly and then things would go back to normal. And he desperately missed normal.

Ryan sighed, gathering his uneaten lunch, leaving the break room and discovering a whole new amount of hatred towards Eric Delko.

---

He stood outside the DNA lab again, watching her.

She still looked a tad melancholic, but not nearly as depressed as she'd looked the day before. Ryan cleared his throat, gathering all the courage he could muster and trying to tame his nervousness. Whatever possessed him to talk to Delko about this? I'd only served to make him even more nervous.

"Hey, Valera," he said as he walked in.

Valera looked up and smiled. "Hey. I finished processing your sample from the Pruitt case. Eric just came to get it."

"Oh, good," Ryan said, nodding awkwardly and looking around. He began to lean against the table, but fearing it would collapse he quickly stood up straight again and crossed his arms, feeling like a 14 year old. "What are you up to now?"

Valera looked at him and frowned slightly. "Working?"

Ryan nodded. "Working. Good deal."

"Yeah," she said, her attention back to her sample before she remembered something and looked up again. "Hey, I wanted to thank you again."

He tried to act casual, but he got the feeling it wasn't working. "Oh?"

"For, you know," she said, "making me feel better, I really appreciate it."

Ryan smiled, and thought he could feel all the blood rushing to his head. "It's no problem."

She shook her head. "I know it's stupid—"

"You're not stupid," he said softly.

"I just feel bad, you know?" she said. "I mean, he was Natalia's ex-husband, she's the one who should be feeling sad, not me."

"Well, maybe the fact that she isn't kinda proves my point, Valera. He was an asshole," Ryan said.

"I know," she said. "Still, you know? Nobody deserves to get killed."

He chuckled slightly. Leave it to Valera to feel bad for a convicted abuser. It was one of the things he was starting to find a tad endearing about her. Becoming a cop made him grow bitter and a little soulless, angry with the criminals and hell, sometimes the victims, too. He grew tired of getting disappointed by humanity each day that he had to chase after killers, rapists, child molesters... And the more people he put behind bars, the more people broke the law the next day and the day after. Sometimes he felt like this job was a huge waste of time.

But Valera tended to see things a bit differently, and suddenly he felt like he was taking a deep breath after being lost underwater for years. Dramatic, maybe, but he liked her humanity and it made him believe maybe he wasn't so dead inside after all.

She smiled at him and his heart did a little something weird, and suddenly Eric's voice took over his mind and Ryan could hear him yelling. Just kiss her! Just like that. Just lean in and kiss her and wait for a response. If she pushed him away, then he would just apologize and leave. If she didn't... he didn't know if it was a little bit disconcerting that he was starting to think that would be a good thing.

He leaned in a fraction of an inch, chickened out but then tried it again, this time made it to maybe two inches before she looked down at his feet and then up at him with an odd expression on her face.

"Are you okay?" she said.

Ryan snapped out of it quickly and moved away, feeling an overwhelming urge to beat himself senseless with a centrifuge. "Yeah," he said, frowning. "I just, uh..." he hesitated, looking down, "I, uh, have to go to the bathroom."

Valera looked at him and frowned. "Okay."

"Okay," he said quickly and took a deep breath, unable to look her in the eyes, "so... I'll see you around or—tomorrow."

"Tomorrow's Saturday."

"Well, whenever, okay?" he said nervously. "I'll see you whenever or—Monday."

She smiled. "Okay."

"Okay," he said and left just as quickly.

Outside, he found the nearest wall and proceeded to bash his head against it repeatedly, hoping the mental retardation would kick in as quickly as possible. When it didn't he sighed and smacked his hand against his forehead, noticing a few people were looking in his direction. With as much dignity as he could he took a deep breath and began to walk away, feeling that if anything things were even more confusing than before.

Only one thing he knew with all certainty: he hated Eric Delko with every molecule of his body.

TBC