Disclaimer- I own Joss Whedon and therefore I also own the Firefly 'verse and all related characters by proxy. Don't believe me? Yeah, didn't think you would.

It is such an innocuous little object; common and non-threatening. At it's widest end, it is only five millimeters on each side, twenty-five millimeters square. From there it slowly tapers to a dull point.

She holds the thing between her thumb and forefinger, turning it around and around, up and down, inspecting it from all angles. The one in her hand is wooden, but they can be made of plastic or metal. Metal would be far more effective; structurally stronger.

"One...Two..."

"What are you doing there, River?" Mal asks from the head of the table where he sits, eating his dinner.

"Counting the ways I could kill with my chopstick. Three..."

Everyone at the table stops eating to stare at the girl who continues counting. Slowly she lifts her eyes from the little piece of wood to look at Jayne. The rest of the crew turns to follow her gaze. The big merc is holding his own chopstick in front of his eyes, contemplating it.

"Four...five-six," River's counting speeds up, "Already though of that. That too."

Jayne grunts.

"Seven-eight... Would only work with a metal utensil. Nine." She stops counting and turns her eyes back to the stick in her hand, "Nine. Nine ways to kill with a chopstick." With that, she turns her attention to her food. Jayne follows suit.

"Well, that wasn't creepifyin' at all." Wash states from his seat beside his wife.

"I'm thinkin' we aughta start using forks an' such." Mal says, eying the chopsticks in River's hands wearily.

"Metal utensil. Four tines. Sharper. Deadlier. Spoons are just as dangerous." River responds absently.

"Maybe we could all eat with our fingers?" Wash gives the captain an uneasy smile.

Just a little one-shot that come to me in my sleep last night. I thought it was kinda funny. Hope you liked it.