Tohma knocked loudly on the door to Hiro's apartment. He wasn't sure he would be allowed to see the pink haired singer that was hiding inside, but he was going to try. Tohma had a stubborn side to him and what he wanted he usually got, no matter what it took. He wasn't about to let Shuuichi just keep on hiding forever because of what he did.
Hiro opened the door and his face instantly hardened. The door almost got shut right back in Tohma's face but he stuck out his hand and held it open with a strength that surprised the red haired man on the other side. "What the hell do you want?" Hiro growled as he put a little more pressure on the door, trying to push the older man back out into the street.
Tohma was surprisingly strong and he held his ground. "I am here to speak with Shindou-kun."
"He doesn't want to talk to you." Hiro used his body to block any kind of advance that Tohma might make. If he couldn't shut the door he would use his own body to keep the other man out of his home.
"Well I don't particularly care what he wants. This is a matter of what he needs to hear." Tohma glanced past Hiro and noticed that the singer in question had entered the room behind the guitarist.
"It's okay Hiro. You can let him in." Shuuichi said quietly from behind his best friend.
Hiro continued to glare at Tohma but stepped aside to allow him inside the small apartment. Tohma passed by him without even looking at the guitarist. His eyes were only for the small man before him.
"I am going to say this only once, so stay silent and listen very well." Shuuichi merely nodded as he looked up sadly at the older man. Tohma continued, "I don't know why, but Eiri-san loves you very much. What happened that night was purely accidental. I won't lie to you. Eiri-san is very special to me and I love him very much, I always have. I would do anything for him, and will do anything to anyone that hurts him in any way. I also will do anything to make sure he is happy. Right now he is miserable and it is because of what happened that night. I only have myself to blame for his sadness and that alone is enough to make me hate myself. If you must hate someone, then hate me and only me. Do not take this out on him. It was completely my fault and I will accept all responsibility for what happened. Eiri-san was drunk and I took advantage of that and the fact that he missed you. I have wronged him more then anything and I will never forgive myself as long as I live for what I have done." Tohma turned and headed to the door. He didn't wait for a response from Shuuichi. He merely had wanted to explain the situation and then run away as fast as he could. He stopped at the door briefly. "Hate me all you want. I don't expect nor want to be forgiven. But do not make Eiri-san suffer any more. Tohma opened the door and left quickly. He desperately wanted to run away from the world and everyone in it.
Shuuichi walked up to HIro, his expression was one of shock. "That was unexpected," Hiro said, his own shock evident on his face.
"Yeah…and you know something. I can't bring myself to hate him. I did…I want to…but I can't. If he loves Yuki enough to let him go like this, just so Yuki can be happy then he really isn't a bad person. It actually explains a lot about Tohma." Shuuichi smiled slightly and looked up at his tall friend.
"Yeah, I guess you are right. I almost feel bad for hitting him now." Hiro gave Shuuichi a sheepish grin and rubbed the back of his head with his hand.
"You hit him!? Hiro! No matter what happens he is the one that holds our future so delicately in his hands!! You're going to get us in trouble!! What if he…" Shuuichi suddenly started running frantically in the room.
Hiro laughed a little, "You're beginning to sound like Sakano. Calm down Shuuichi. He just apologized to you. Do you really think he would drop us from the label now?"
Shuuchi stopped flailing as suddenly as he started and stared at Hiro, "I guess you are right."
"Of course I am. So what are you going to do now?" Hiro walked over and leaned against the wall, putting his hands in his pants pockets.
"Call Yuki of course!" Shuuichi bounded away to call his lover.
Tohma looked off across the water, watching the bright torch of the Statue of Liberty in the distance. He wasn't really thinking of anything, he was just letting the sights and sounds of the city around him sweep his mind away across the water. He had been there for hours, just watching the boats go by. It was now dark and the area had gotten very quiet as the tourists had all started heading back to their hotels for the night.
"Running away to New York is my solution to problems, not yours," said a familiar voice from behind him. The sound was quiet and soothing as it reached Tohma's ears.
Tohma turned his head to look over his shoulder at the blond writer behind him. He wasn't the least bit surprised that Eiri had found him. They knew each other too well after all their years together.
"It seemed to work for you so I thought I might find my own peace and happiness here as well." Tohma looked out across the water once again.
"I don't know about the peace part. Things have been a lot louder at my place since my last visit here." Eiri walked up and stood next to his old friend.
"You do not deny the happiness part, however?" This saddened Tohma greatly, but he had already known that it would.
"Tohma…Mika is worried about you. She was afraid you had done something stupid. I'm supposed to be the one that she gets grey hair over, not you."
"I told her what happened.." Tohma looked down at the ground ashamed. He had cheated on the one person whose trust he had always been able to count on. He wasn't sure how he would ever face his wife again.
"Yeah, and I got yelled at for it. She gets too much enjoyment out of scolding me." Eiri smirked slightly as he looked at Tohma from the corner of his eye. His friend didn't show any sign of amusement and so the smirk quickly fell from his lips.
"How is Shindou-san?" The question was said very quietly and Tohma didn't really care to hear the answer but knew it was the polite thing to do.
"He told me what you said. You're an idiot, you know that? You shouldn't have put all the blame on yourself."
"I do blame myself whenever you are unhappy. I can never forgive myself for hurting you in such a way. I am no better then…" Tohma didn't want to say it but Eiri knew instantly what he was about to say.
Eiri grabbed Tohma's shoulders and roughly turned him so that they were face to face. "Tohma, don't even say it. Don't even think it. What happened between us is nothing like that night. You have no reason to compare us to that."
Tears started to fall down Tohma's face and Eiri embraced his friend tightly. Tohma buried his face into his friend's chest, wanting desperately to believe those words. It was obvious that Eiri didn't hate him and that fact alone made things seem a hundred times better.
"I wanted to die. I still do. I don't think I can live the lie anymore. I love you…I love you so much Eiri-san. I always have and I always will. It hurts so much to see you and Shindou-san together. But I want your happiness more then anything and that's why…that's why.." Tohma choked on his words and pushed away from the comfort of EIri's arms. He had every intention of fleeing the area before he said anything more that might get him into trouble. Eiri wasn't going to let him run as he caught his arm before he could.
"Running away will not do you any good. Have you learned nothing from what I have done? Killing yourself will only make things worse. If you do that then I will be sad. Is that what you want? Haven't you always said you would do anything to make sure I was happy?" Eiri's voice and face were stern as he glared at the man in his hands. He felt like a teacher that was scolding a difficult student.
"Of course…" Tohma couldn't look Eiri in the eyes, instead he kept his gaze downward, staring at the chest he had been against only moments before.
"Then you better think again if you believe losing you would do that. I could be miserable if you killed yourself and then you wouldn't be able to forgive yourself even in death."
Tohma finally turned his gaze upwards to meet Eiri's eyes in disbelief. He hadn't expected to hear that from this man. He hadn't thought about the fact that Eiri would be upset if he was gone. Tohma smiled but it was filled with the sadness that was overflowing from his heart.
"The only time I truly feel happy and complete is when I am with you. I know that I may never have you for myself, but just loving you as I have, has always seemed like enough. But after that night I realized I couldn't go on like that anymore. I love you. I know I've said that many times by now, but that night was like a dream come true and I never wanted it to end. I wanted to spend the rest of my life in your arms. Even after you went to look for Shindou-san all I could think about was how wonderful it had felt, how complete. I am a selfish person Eiri-san. I want you all to myself but I know it won't happen and that hurts. But I can't stop loving you, no matter the pain it causes as well."
"Tohma, I can't return your love." Eiri looked at him seriously. He hadn't ever thought his friend would ever voice those words. Eiri had always known how Tohma felt but the words had never been said and Eiri had never wanted to return those feelings because of the situation between them.
"I know. Oh god do I know…I am not asking you to. I know how much you love Shindou-san, and even though I do not understand it, I will not do anything to damage your relationship." Tohma looked ready to cry again but he withheld any more tears from falling. He had to be strong and finish what he wanted to say. He had to show this man that he was the world to him.
"Thank you…and I'm sorry." Eiri looked sincerely sorry for being unable to return the feelings that Tohma had showered upon him, and for that Tohma was grateful. It at least showed that Eiri cared for him as a friend.
"I'm going to stay in New York for a little longer. I would like you to return to Japan and Shindou-san. Please tell Mika-san not to worry. I would just like to collect myself a little before I return." Tohma turned and headed towards the main road to get a taxi. He stopped a few feet away and turned a little, his regular smile lighting up his face. "Thank you, Eiri-san."
"For what?"
"For reminding me why I live each day of my life."
"Excuse me?" Eiri looked genuinely confused as he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and started to light it.
"I live to protect and love you. To make sure your happiness is secure. That is what makes me truly happy and able to live each day." Tohma turned and walked the rest of the way to the road where a taxi was already waiting.
Eiri smiled slightly, "You're welcome Seguchi-san." He added quietly, "And thank you." He brought the cigarette to his lips and turned to look out at the statue across the water.
Tohma was finally smiling sincerely as he climbed into the car and settled back against the seat. Life would never be the same again…but perhaps now that things were in the open it would be better.
The taxi drove away from the docks, the blond executive never casting another look back.
The End