How It Used To Be, a fruits basket fanfic

My first songfic!

Song: Used to by Daughtry

Pairing: Haruzu / Harin (Haven't decided which I like better but Haru x Rin)

Haru's POV

If you like rock I suggest you listen to the lovely song!

When did it all start? Why didn't I notice anything wrong? These kinds of questions always ring endlessly in my head. They leave me feeling so irritated; at these times my black side threatens to take over. I sigh and look around the destroyed bedroom of mine. It was a regular routine for me now. Wake up, break something, go to school, beat someone up, get home, add another hole to the wall, think about Rin, and throw something.

Our break up affected me worse than I thought it would. I couldn't get her off of my mind. Had I done something wrong to make her leave me? Was I suddenly not good enough anymore? Whatever happened to the times when her face lit up when she talked to me? Now she doesn't even speak to me anymore. In fact I think she's avoiding me. She's precious to me, doesn't she know that? I love her, and I'll give anything to be the one she depends on again. Heck, I'd give away anything I had just to be the one she sneaks out of the sickroom with again.

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.

Did all the walks we went on and the conversations we had suddenly mean absolutely nothing to her? Do I mean nothing to her now? Sure we never really talked about anything special, nor did we ever have a destination in mind when we went on our walks, but don't they have more value than garbage to you, Rin? I have so many questions to ask and yet the list of them just seems to grow with each passing second. The main one I just can't get out of my head is:

"Do you still love me?"

It used to be why she broke up with me, but I realized what mattered wasn't the reason she didn't want me with her anymore but her feelings towards me. I need her back, whether she still needs me or not. For my whole life I have adored her and loved her. How could she just dump me so suddenly like that? Doesn't she understand how much I love her? Doesn't she understand how long I've wanted to tell her I love her and how much it hurt me for her to break up with me like that with no reason whatsoever?

-CRASH-

I punch the wall again in frustration, another hole to add to my collection. There's ten fist sized holes all in a line now. If I show that to Rin will it make her finally understand how much I like her? My bruised hand sinks back down to my side showing me just how worthless I am. All I can do it be violent. Why am I unable to think of a way how to win her back?

We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

I sigh for the millionth time as I crawl out the window. Dropping on the grass outside of my room I just lie there staring up at the night sky looking at those stupid stars and their stupid light. I just want to rip each one of them out of the sky so the sky is finally as dark as my own soul. They're worthless things trying to light up the sky but failing miserably, they don't light up my life at all. Neither does the sun for that matter, my heart is dark and bleak, but not from the silly curse. Because of Rin, I feel as if I have just lost it all.

What happened to your love Rin?

Stars are supposed to help you find your way, right? So why am I so lost and confused now when so many of them are in the sky. Where's the goddamn northern star when I fucking need it? Show me the way damn it! Tell me what to do now… Tell me to go fight for her, tell me she still loves me, tell me she still needs me… Those cursed stars don't respond. They really are worthless.

I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way.
I used to listen.
You always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
Fast or slow, to anywhere at all.

Don't you know Rin, that I can't find my way without you? Can you see my hand held out to you waiting for you to show me where to go? Just tell me what you want, tell me who you want and I'll be him for you. I'll change anything, my hair, my look, my style, anything just so you'd see how much I love you. Talk to me; just tell me what you want from me! Is it amusing to see me suffer or something?

I need to hear her voice now. I need to hear her say something to me again. Right now I don't care if she's yelling at me or even calling me stupid. I want to listen to her forever. That angelic voice of hers is a sound I can't live without hearing. Most people who know Rin would never call her an angel. She's my angel, and I can't see anyone who is more perfect than she is. I don't think she sees her own beauty though.

I roll onto my stomach and before I know it my feet are taking me to Kagura's house, to Rin's room. Now I'm running there. The wind is whipping at me like it's trying to stop me from getting there, but my mind is set. Nothing can stop me now. If she won't speak to me, then at least let me see her beautiful face, give me that and I'll be satisfied, I promise. What am I saying? Satisfied with one look? That's bullshit no matter who says it. I can't be content until she's back with me. But for now, this would have to do.

I'm outside her window now. There are no lights on in her room. I see her and a smile passes my face. It's like the old times when I would help her sneak out of the sickroom. My beauty is sleeping. This is one of the few times I've seen her sleeping. I know she hates to sleep, but she's completely unaware of how beautiful she looks when she's asleep. If I keep staring I'm afraid I'm going to break in and kiss her.

I watch her closely. She's lying on top of her bed without any trace of a blanket. Sometimes I think she's asking to get sick. Rin's holding a pillow close to her chest. I can see her grip on it tighten like she's having a bad dream. The moonlight catches sight of something glimmering running down her cheek.

She's crying…

I'm left leaning against her windowsill staring at her wanting to go in and dry those tears and beat the crap out of whoever made her cry. I stand there wondering why she's crying. Why? That question is slowly eating at my insides and before I know it my hands are lifting open the window, and I'm climbing into her bedroom. It's times like these when I wish she had never told me that this window didn't lock. I probably look like some damn pervert.

I look around me,
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared.
Look around you.
It's empty, and you're sad
'Cause you miss the love that we had.

I stand over her sleeping form standing next to her bed. My hand moves down wiping away her tears all while caressing her pale skin. I am aware that she is a light sleeper and that I should stop before she wakes up, but my body is moving on its own at this point. She stirs on her bed. I jolt upright and mutter a swear as I drop to the ground quickly in attempt to keep her from seeing me in her room. There was no doubt that if she found me, I'd be in for a yelling.
She sits upright on top of her bed, her hand placed on her cheek where my hand had previously been. Her mouth opens and closes mouthing my name. At least I thought it was my name. I thought she had spotted me at first but she just continued to stare blankly ahead of her. Now I have to wonder, why is it that she looks like that, so sad and heartbroken? She broke up with me so why? Why do I seem like the one better off now? She's broken and now I wish there was some sort of human repair shop. I need to pay a visit to that place myself…

I shove myself under her bed in fear that she will get up from her spot on the bed and find me here. Slowly I trace my finger on the wood frame under her bed trying to hear what she is saying to herself. She speaks too softly; I can't make out a word she is saying though I'm not sure I want to know. For all I know she could be talking about everything she hated about me and our relationship. I doubted it, but it was a possibility.

Back then when we were still together, a break up was one of the last things I anticipated to happen to us. This was never how I imagined our future to be like. Anything would be better than us being broken up and me lying under her bed dreaming about what could have been. My heart aches; the pain throbs repeatedly and slowly eating away at my soul. This pain, it grows to be unbearable to the point when some nights I can't even sleep.

These fantasies I have of my future, not a single one of them excludes Rin. I dream constantly about what our children would look like, how big our house would be and even what jobs we'd have. Heck, I loved to imagine growing old with her. I didn't mind seeing an old man version of me as long as an old Rin was beside me. Death didn't even sound bad as long as my life was spent with her. In my head death was a word pleasanter than alone. I don't want to be alone as I climb this road called my life; I want you there with me, Rin.

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around,
The only one around.

Can I be her everything, the only one who matters in her life again? Can I be her savior, her lover, her world, the only one she needs again or am I not worthy of the position anymore? The job seemed overwhelming, but I loved each and every second of it. At least I did when I had that role in Rin's life. Any day, at any time I'd take that position again. When did she start to think I wasn't enough? I mentally kick myself for adding more questions to the already large pile I have. These questions… I'll never get an answer to.

I used to think we were meant to be, a part of me still does, and the other half doesn't. But that stupid half of me is just looking for an easy way to end the pain. Deep down in my heart there still is a large part that she can only fill. She was my love and still is the only one for me. No one else will do. Can't she see that yet? If she did, then why did she so cruelly shove the heart, I had worked so hard to give to her, back to me as if it were nothing?

"I don't need you anymore…"

Those words she used on our break up day never leave my head. Neither does an image of her face. I can't get her out of my mind. Scenes of days when she used to smile and laugh with me replay in my head day after day. They leave me discontent, yearning for my horse again. Then realization strikes me. Rin, the one I'm dying to see is less than a foot away from me. I can't move though. I'm a coward and I hate it. My hand reaches up grasping nothing but air. Since it's air that she could have breathed, and that makes it the loveliest thing in the world.

I lost track of time. I don't remember how long I've been here under her bed.

Hours?

Minutes?

I'm not sure anymore, but it doesn't matter. Others may view it as a big waste of time but I was with Rin, well kind of, and that made it all worth it. I open my eyes for the first time in a long time and find myself squinting to shield my eyes from the sun. Since when did light penetrate through mattresses and light the ground underneath. When my eyes finally adjust to the brightness I see that I'm not even where I thought I was anymore. It is only now do I realize that what my back is against isn't even the hard floor anymore.

What I am on is a bed. But this doesn't make sense! I look around wildly; this isn't my room. It's still Rin's! So… That means I'm on her bed. I look around blankly. How did this happen? Looking down at her bed I see that Rin isn't even there. I scan the room with my eyes again but my horse is nowhere in sight. My guess is that she left a while ago since the areas of the bed where I hadn't been were cold. Glancing at the clock I jump out of the bed letting the covers fall to the ground.

9:35

Crap! I'm late for school, AGAIN! This is going to be my fifth tardy in a row! That means a detention, not that I would have normally cared, but today I wanted to talk to Rin. I needed to talk to her and at least try to make things right with her. Normally I might have chosen to wait for her here until she returned but only god knows where she is.

I made the bed neatly even though I was pretty sure Rin wouldn't even straighten up the covers. I took one last look around her room before going to her window and slipping out. Going out of the door was not a possibility; Rin would be the one in deep trouble if either Kagura or her mom sees me. As I am running back to my own house my mind drifts back to coming up with ideas of what could have happened after I fell asleep. The most unique one I've come up with yet is that Rin thought I was a stalker or something since I was under her bed and killed me, and now I'm actually in heaven.

These kinds of thoughts are what make me think I'm going to be locked up in a padded room one day. I smile to myself believing that I would never learn what happened. Hell would freeze over and Akito would bow down to me before Rin told me anything. It'd be a miracle if she didn't deny doing anything. I laugh to myself as I run faster and faster.

Now I smile knowing at least that trip wasn't completely pointless. I'm not giving up on her just yet… Rin, just wait and see, I'll show you just how much you mean to me… But for now all I can ask of you is to wait… So please wait for me…

The end! Review 3