"Felix, why'd you end up here?" asked Karst as she gently stroked his back. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you. We need another hot ass down here."
"I resent that!" yelled Babi from across the room, who sat with his buttocks eternally strapped to a plate of red-hot iron.
"Well… I'm an emo," said Felix. "As such, nobody wants to hang around with me, not even God. This fits right in with the concept of Hell as eternal separation from-"
"Aww, jeez, not another philosophy major," yelled Agatio as he bodily hurled Ivan at the two. Felix and Karst ducked out of the way, and Ivan landed head-first on the locust couch. The vicious insects quickly began gnawing away at his face. "You two deserve each other. Go make a retarded baby or something and let the rest of us watch the show in peace."
"I'll have you know I actually graduated, thank you very much," snarled Karst. "Unlike you, Mr. 1.5 GPA."
"I was gettin' laid too much to study," laughed Agatio. "What can I say? Bitches love me." Looking around for a suitable 'bitch,' his eyes settled on Jenna. "C'mere, baby."
"Owweee," commented Saturos, his eyes widening at the spray of blood and bone shards. "Damn, Jenna, where'd you learn to do that?"
"Feminist boot camp," she answered, wiping Agatio's brains off her combat fatigues. "Man… he got my hair all bloody again. Stupid oppressive patriarchy."
"Yes, yes, it's all well and good," said Menardi dismissively. "But we can overthrow the patriarchy later. Look, the show's back on."
-SUPER HAPPY FUNTIME XTREME HAS RETURN!-
Kraden looked positively radiant today, Isaac noticed. That smile… that cape… that monocle… it was almost the sort of expression worn by a supervillain who is about to unfurl his dastardly plan. Ah, good old Kraden. Such a happy man. May he enjoy a long and healthy life, Isaac thought.
"This is the last round, right?" asked Mia. Isaac nodded. "Phew. I wonder what they're going to have us do this time?"
The two of them stood at one end of an arena, the same coliseum-style arrangement which had so recently housed the disastrous "prairie dog round." The janitors had made a valiant effort to hose off Sheba's blood and fill the holes with cement, but sadly they'd used a bit too much and created several hills. The arena's terrain was still fairly rough. Some sort of dirt bike racing, thought Isaac? He could win at that…
"Gentle man, lady, and others!" cried the announcer. "This is moment which all wait for! We reveal truth to contestant! Most Exalted Host Kraden do honors!"
"Mwahahaha!" laughed Kraden, with a flourish of his cape. Isaac, Mia, and Piers tried to stifle laughter. He could be such a kidder at times. "Ah, pitiful Adepts… you have still not figured it out?" They looked at him with puzzled expressions… "From the start, I intended that you perish here!"
"What?!" cried Piers. "Why?!"
"Isn't it obvious?" asked Kraden. "You stole the spotlight from ME – Weyard's true hero! All along, it was my work that kept you on your quest… that led to Weyard's salvation… and then after Mia slept with Camelot's Board of Directors, I was portrayed in the game as an annoying geezer. You, Adepts, have humiliated me in front of the world… but now comes my revenge!"
"So you're going to kill us all off?" asked Mia. "What purpose will that serve, besides satisfying your primitive lust for vengeance?!"
"Isn't it obvious? With none of their old heroes to draw upon – well, one of them, but a single character does not an RPG make – Camelot will be forced to find a new champion of justice for their next game!" laughed Kraden maniacally. "My crack team of programmers has already sent them the source code for Kraden Kwest 2000! It's too brilliant, if I do say so myself!"
"…?" asked Isaac. "… …" He looked Kraden in the eyes… "…! …?"
For a moment the madman seemed taken aback. "No," he said finally. "This wasn't all my idea. A generic mysterious archvillain talked to me behind the scenes. I didn't give it a second thought – he promised me all I ever wanted, and more!"
Kraden gazed at them, madness dancing in his eyes. "Now, fools – kill each other! The last Adept standing is the winner of Super Happy FunTime Xtreme!"
Isaac frantically tried to pantomime an idea to Mia, holding up two fingers and then passing his finger across his throat. "Two words," she said. "Cut… throat? No, that's the first word? Execute? Trachea? Oh, kill!" Isaac nodded. "Kill… who?" Isaac pantomimed a sailboat sailing into port. "Wharf… dock… pier! That's it!" Isaac gave her a thumbs-up. "Kill… Piers? Aww… but I don't want to…"
Meanwhile, Piers had snuck up on the two of them, and bashed Isaac's skull in with a mace.
"Nooooo!" cried Mia. "Piers, what have you done?!"
"This is war, Mia," Piers told her coldly. "Well… more accurately, it's a battle. A royal battle of some sort. A battle royale, or something like that. Whatever."
He advanced on her, brandishing his mace. Mia could do little but gaze in horror at the shattered remains of her one true love… and reflect in terror at her impending doom…
"What is-a taking so long-a, Kraden?" asked a suspiciously squeaky voice with a thick Italian accent. "I thought-a we had a deal-a."
A short man dressed in overalls with a fruity red hat on his head, riding high atop a small dinosaur, leapt from the rafters above, landing in the center of the arena. "M-master Mario!" cried Kraden, taken aback. "They… they were just about to…"
"No more-a excuses!" roared the midget. "I have-a used you for all I need-a! Ciao, Kraden!" The fireball that burst forth from his hand erupted around Kraden, charring him to the bone. A terrible, squeaky laugh emanated from deep within the strange Italian man…
"A Mars Adept!" cried Mia in shock.
"No, it's a me-a, Mario!" laughed the man.
"No, I'm Piers," said Piers. "And I'm perfectly aware that that's Mia."
"I'm Mario, you dolt," snapped the man, breaking out of his accent. "Do you know who I am?!"
"Oh yeah," said Mia. "You're that Nintendo character. Camelot has been making a bunch of crappy sports games starring you and your friends, right?"
"Correct," sneered Mario. "It should be obvious, at this point, as to why I want you dead."
Piers and Mia just stared blankly at the strange man.
"Idiots, Camelot has secretly been working on a Golden Sun Three for the Nintendo Wii," snarled Mario. "And, as such, they've put Mario Professional Wrestling Raw on the back burner. I need that game to get produced! It will be the perfect opportunity to grope that luscious Bowser! I figure that if I kill you, there will never be a third Golden Sun game…"
"Why are you letting one of us live, then?" asked Mia.
"Every tragic incident needs a victim to speak out to the media," laughed Mario. "Besides, I expect you'll publish your memoirs before fading out as a D-list celebrity, and my publishing associates stand to turn a tidy profit. Mwahahaha!"
"That's your evil plan?" asked Piers incredulously. "That's why everyone died?!"
"I've seen better evil schemes in fanfiction," giggled Mia mockingly. "Mario, you must be really pathetic."
"Pathetic? I have killed six of the original eight!" roared the midget. "Now, one more death and my plan will be complete! Yoshi… do your worst!"
Piers tried to scream as the dinosaur grabbed him with its tongue, but he was dragged down its gullet too quickly.
"Now, Mia… you are the winner of Super Happy FunTime Xtreme," Mario told her. "To the victor goes the iPod. But the true victory is mine." He handed Mia a small rectangular object.
"Hey, isn't this the new iPhone?" asked Mia, momentarily forgetting about the situation. Mario nodded. "Sweet!" She swiftly dialed a number.
"Eh, what are you doing?" asked Mario.
"I think you'll find out," said Mia with a grin.
…
No one, particularly not the audience of that ill-fated show, could ever forget the news headline the next day. "Paris Hilton Killed in Tragic Orgy Mishap." Mostly they were angry that they had been too busy watching the show to witness this vital news event.
But buried somewhere on the back pages of a few bush-league newspapers was the full account of what had transpired on Super Happy FunTime Xtreme. After a valiant battle, international Mob boss Mario 'The Shroom' had been captured by riot police and transferred to a maximum-security holding cell in an undisclosed nation. Authorities credited the miraculous capture to a young woman with, according to Police Chief Rodney Munch, "simply enormous hooters."
Initial reports were sketchy, but the incident appeared to have connections to a small Japanese software firm. Authorities were also investigating the deaths of seven individuals on a local game show, although such investigations were abruptly cut off when all seven were discovered to be alive and well. Local sources credited the resurrection to any number of things, from UFOs to special effects technology to the Second Coming of Christ. Sadly for conspiracy buffs, it was later revealed that at the time Jesus was busy giving a sermon in Chicago. UFOs, however, remained a distinct possibility.
What footage existed of Super Happy FunTime Xtreme was distributed across the Internet, but was sadly forgotten thanks to the soaring popularity of the new Paris Hilton tape. Nowadays it can only be found on scuzzy websites, in fragments with names like "Ivan snuff video.mpeg." Eventually, everyone simply forgot the show had ever existed.
…
"So, Mia, how'd you pull it off?" wrote Isaac on a portable chalkboard. The group sat at a small sidewalk café in France, surrounded by a crowd of admirers. The groupies were always the best part of the publicity tours, thought Isaac, and considering the immense popularity of their third game, the crowds had reached record highs. "Seriously. I thought we were all goners."
"It was simple," laughed Mia. "I called up Camelot and told them I had a great idea for a game. They loved my design for Super Mario Brothers: The Vengeance so much that they actually sent in a SWAT team to see if Mario could handle it. Camelot didn't know he was a mob boss, but the police sure did!"
"How did you know?" asked Piers.
"Ah, it was the accent that tipped me off," Mia told her. "Guys who can easily switch in and out of a faux Italian accent are always from the Mob. Always."
"It looks like stereotypes saved the day," said Sheba. "But, Mia, how are we all alive?"
"You didn't figure that one out?" asked Mia. "I just slept with Camelot's programmers again. They're all very lonely men. I had them change all of your 'isDead' boolean variables to 'false.'"
"Such a liberated woman…" gasped Jenna in awe. "Exploiting men like that… you, Mia, are my idol."
"Thanks," giggled Mia, blushing slightly.
"Hey, whatever happened to Kraden?" asked Saturos. "Did he get revived too?"
"Every game needs a villain," said Mia. "They're keeping that particular spoiler from us, but I guess we'll see in time."
"Good old Kraden," said Felix. "Maybe he'll come up with a better plan this time. Something that doesn't involve Japanese gameshows."
"Kraden? Actually contribute something useful to a game?" asked Piers. "When pigs fly!"
The group enjoyed a hearty chuckle, unaware of the old man watching them from the crowd. Sighing, Kraden had to concede defeat. Golden Sun, Book Three looked like it would be a smashing success, the beginning of a long and prosperous game series. Perhaps he could sell Kraden Kwest to a small, independent publisher. If he marketed it well enough, it could become a series of its own. Then, in some distant generation of Smash Bros., he could finally go head-to-head with those cursed children. At last, victory would be his. Someday…
The End