START OF CHAPTER 2
START OF SECTION 2-1
Leon *unconscious on the floor*
Bug on rafter: Hi, Mom!
Game: Stop that. This is serious.
Bug on rafter: Oh, sorry. I didn't know.
Leon: Ugh, feels like I got sat on by a Killer Guppy Monster. My head is killing me.
Leon's veins *twinge*
Leon: OW! What—
DISGUSTING bulgy veins *start bulging*
Leon: Oh GOD what is—
Disgusting bulgy veins *start spreading up both of Leon's arms*
Leon: PLEASE let this be a hallucination brought on by the herbs. PLEASE.
Leon's face *is covered in GIANT VEINS OF TERROR*
Leon: AAAAH OH GOD WHYYY—
Leon *wakes up panting*
Leon's heart *is having an asthma attack*
Leon *makes sure he's fine*
Leon: Whew. Damn herbs.
Radio: PUHKRSSSHT!
Leon: NOT the time.
Radio: Just doin' my job, man.
Leon: WHAT?
Hunnigan: It's been six hours since your last transmission. I told HQ you were probably wandering around stoned.
Leon: Well I WASN'T. I was having a nightmare, thank you very much. And I killed a Guppy Monster.
Hunnigan: Sounds thrilling.
Leon: I hate your voice. Stop making words.
Hunnigan: Quit dicking around and get Ashley.
Hunnigan *ends transmission*
Leon: Welp, guess I still have to find Dogface. Wonderful.
Leon *hops in boat*
Leon: What's this place over here? There's a cabin. Maybe the Necronomicon is inside. Ha, just kidding! Everyone knows that was just a movie.
Scary noise *is heard off in the distance*
Leon *looks around nervously and hurries up the hill*
Leon: Huh, another cabin. That's not creepy.
Leon *hears a low grrrgh sound*
Leon: Um…that had better be the wind and not a jacked-up wolf or something.
Wolf *trots out*
Leon: Aw, look how cute you ar—
Wolf: GRAGGHSNAARLIKILLYOU
Leon: WHAT the—
Wolf's back *is demolished by tentacles that burst out*
Like 20 more wolves *appear on the hills*
Leon *runs away for his life*
Leon: RUNFUCKBOATFUCKHARPOONFUCKWOLVESFUCK
Leon *clambers into boat and motors away to a safe distance*
Wolves: CURSE YOUR USE OF TECHNOLOGY!
Leon *harpoons them*
Leon: Ha! Killing wild life is always good for a laugh!
Wolves *do look kind of funny with giant harpoons sticking out of them*
Leon: Hmm, those look like Merchant torches way over there.
Leon *motors over to the Merchant's cave*
Merchant: Go away!
Leon *spots barrels and free stuff*
Leon: No way!
Leon *breaks all the barrels, gets hit by a snake, and snatches all the free treasures*
Merchant: Oi was savin' those for me kids, strangah.
Leon: Oops. What're ya sellin'?
Merchant: Don't mock me. And I'm only peddlin' tune-ups.
Leon: Oh lame.
Leon *leaves*
Game: Are you DONE? Does harpooning innocent wildlife and stealing from helpless Merchant children give you a sense of accomplishment?
Leon: …yes.
Game: Well it shouldn't. Hightail it to the secret passage.
Leon: But it's a secret!
Game: Just GO!
Leon *grumbles and heads through swamp*
Cutscene *starts*
Creeper: Doo dee doo doo…
Creeper's head: I say, I do feel like exploding into an annoying horror!
Creeper's head *explodes into an annoying horror*
Leon: Oh god-DAMN-it! As if I didn't have it bad enough already!
Creeper in the background *yells something and charges toward Leon while taking no notice of his headless friend because apparently he's seen it before and isn't impressed*
Leon *chucks a Flash Grenade*
Flash Grenade: I give my life for yooooou—
Flash Grenade *explodes*
Annoying Horror *also explodes*
Other Creeper: My eyes! MY EYES! What did you DO to my EYES!?
Leon (with watering eyes): Ha. Nothin' to it.
Leon *kills other Creeper*
Leon: Wait, what's this?
Goldbars: Hey there.
Leon: Well hel-lo! Where did you come from?
Goldbars: The horror.
Leon: That must mean you'll ALWAYS appear from those annoying horrors, and the horrors won't be a common enemy because goldbars are so uncommon. Hooray!
Goldbars: Actually—
Leon: Be quiet, I'm talking.
Leon *collects goldbars and continues to the rope*
Leon: Thank God I learned how to belay myself in government agent training!
Game: I bet you be-LAY yourself a lot.
Leon: That joke failed pretty hard.
Game: You would know, failure.
Leon: Just leave me alone and let me do this.
Leon *rappels down*
Leon: Aww yeah, feels good. Now to—
Axe *sails by Leon's head*
Axe: So close!
Leon: HEY!
Creeper on platform: Knup, morf emac taht erehw erom. (More where that came from, punk.)
Leon: I don't think an axe in my face would improve my looks.
Creeper *pauses to think about this*
Leon *shoots him in the leg*
Creeper: HCUO! (OUCH!)
Creeper *falls on his ass*
Leon *scrambles up the ladder and stabs it to death*
Leon: That'll teach you to fight back when I'm invading your country and slaughtering your fellow men. Now, to create a path.
Leon *looks around, but only sees a far away area he can't jump to*
Leon: So…what am I—
Game: You see those crates?
Leon *squints*
Leon: Yes.
Game: Shoot the chains.
Leon *squints more*
Leon: How am I supposed to hit THOSE? I only have a Handgun, TMP, and Shotgun!
Game: Maybe Skinflint Kennedy should have bought a Rifle.
Leon: Maybe you should have GIVEN me one.
Leon *manages to hit all the chains*
Chains *sound like someone being hit on the head by an anvil or frying pan when they break*
Leon: …k.
Leon *jumps across and pulls the lever, then jumps back to the ground*
Leon: Hey, wait. I just noticed that this entire area is empty. That means there's a trap somewhere.
Creeper (in cave): Su ot no s'eh, nam ho! (Oh man, he's on to us!)
Other Creeper in cave: Ti wolb ll'uoy ro pu tuhs! (Shut up or you'll blow it!)
Leon *jumps to middle area*
A bunch of Creepers: EGRRRRAAAYHC!!! (CHYAAARRRRGE!!!)
Leon *jumps back the way he came*
Creepers *start jumping across the crates*
Leon *shoots them one by one and watches as they all fall into the water with a splash*
Leon: That…was sort of disappointing.
Creeper in the water: ~gurgle~
Leon: Anyway, onward to sparklies!
Leon *takes the treasure and enters the cave*
Round Insignia: 'Sup.
Leon: Uh oh. This looks obvious. That means something bad is up ahead.
Radio: PUHKSSHT!
Leon: Hey, Hunnigan. I'm finally going to the church to get Ashley.
Hunnigan: Glad to see you made her a priority after…what, eight hours?
Leon: You ungrateful—
Hunnigan *hangs up*
Leon: …why was that conversation even necessary?
Leon *goes through doors and sees boat*
Leon: Oh man, do I have to fight a-nother Killer Guppy Monster?
Game: No, no. That's crazy. This boat will take you to a Merchant.
Leon: I don't believe you.
Game: Too bad, it's the only way you can go.
Leon *grudgingly gets in the boat and is taken back to the Merchant*
Merchant: 'Ello, strangah!
Leon: I already met you.
Merchant: Well, you strangahs all look alike to me.
Leon *goes outside and steps into the area with the shacks*
Leon: Wait, this is the area with that scary, bad-sounding growling!
Cutscene *shows El Mucho Biggo, who slaughters, like, twelve villagers*
Game: OK, now you fight him. Go!
Leon: DID YOU NOT SEE HIM SLAUGHTER THOSE TWELVE VILLAGERS!?
Game: No, it's cool, it's cool. You have a knife. Go!
El Mucho Biggo: RAAAAARRGH!
Leon: My fuckin' knife is, like ten inches long! That thing's THIRTY FEET TALL!
Game: Oh please. Baby. Now go get 'em!
El Mucho Biggo *lumbers toward Leon*
Leon *runs screaming like a girl*
Game: Shoot it, you retard!
Leon *pauses to shoot*
El Mucho Biggo *pimpslaps him*
Leon *flies across the stage and hits a wall*
Leon's face *smacks into the ground*
Leon: I don't WANNA be a government agent anymore!
Game: Tough shit!
El Mucho Biggo: RAAAAWR!
Leon *pops him in the knee*
El Mucho Biggo: OH GOD IT HURTS SO BAD!
El Mucho Biggo *falls to one knee*
Leon: Uh…now what?
Game: Shank him in the back!
Leon *jumps onto El Mucho Biggo and slices away at parasite*
Parasite: OW! HEY! OW! STOP!
El Mucho Biggo *shrugs Leon off*
Leon: So I just have to do this over and over? Sweet! This'll be easy!
El Mucho Biggo *rips a tree out of the ground*
Leon: Hey, you can't do that! Did you see what he just did? That's cheating!
Tree trunk: Time for me to OWN you, bitch.
Leon: Ah, but you forget that I have super secret agent move—
Tree trunk *slams into Leon and throws him across the area, breaking two of his ribs*
Leon *hacks up a pint of blood and part of his lung*
Leon: OK. Now I'm fucked.
Sound of Salvation *sounds*
Leon: Did I just hear a dog bark?
Dog *is not just any dog but that dog you saved from the bear trap*
Leon: OMG you came to rescue me? That is so sweet I LOVE YOU!
Dog *distracts El Mucho Biggo and runs away*
El Mucho Biggo *lumbers after dog*
Leon: Oh, what, you're just going to run around and shit? Where's the gun, DOG?! SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD!
Dog *keeps running*
Leon: Man, I have to do EVERYTHING myself.
Dog *runs in front of Leon*
Leon: What—
El Mucho Biggo *looks from dog to Leon*
Leon: Oh HELL no.
El Mucho Biggo: YOU BIGGER! I EAT!
Leon *fires TMP at him*
El Mucho Biggo: MY LEG!
El Mucho Biggo *falls to knees*
Leon *hacks and slashes and yeah*
Parasite: I HATE YOU!
Parasite *dies*
Leon: Hey, I won!
El Mucho Biggo: OOOOGH…
Leon: Hey…why's he swaying?
El Mucho Biggo: OOOOOOOOGH…
Leon *backs up a bit*
El Mucho Biggo: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGH!
El Mucho Biggo *crashes to the ground in front of Leon*
Leon: Hey! That could've killed me!
Game: Yeah, watch out when they fall.
Leon: They? Are there MORE?
Game: Uh…look! A big shiny light!
Leon: Ooh!
Leon *gathers gold and leaves the area*
Leon: OK, I know where the church is, so it should be smooth sailing from—
Something that sound like a jacked-up wolf *growls*
Leon: You're kidding me. I have to fight Tentacle Dogs after I just toppled that monstrosity?
Game: Have fun!
Leon *kills the Tentacle Dogs*
Leon: OK, church time.
Leon *enters the church*
Leon: Huh, pretty nice in here. Too bad the Creepers are crazy.
Leon *climbs up ladder*
Leon: Wait…now there's nowhere for me to go!
Chandelier *clears throat*
Leon: …you're joking.
Chandelier *shrugs*
Leon: But…but what if you break under me?
Chandelier: I probably will, but it's the only way.
Leon *groans and jumps onto it, immediately freaks out, and quickly jumps to the other side*
Chandelier: Way to keep your cool, government agent.
Leon: Shut up, I made it.
Leon *notices giant painting of Saddler*
Leon: Who puts a picture of Emperor Palpatine in a church?
Leon *notices control panel with lights*
Leon: This looks cool.
Leon *pushes a button*
Lights *shine out*
Leon: Oh crap, a puzzle? Guess I'll just mess with it until it's solved.
30 minutes *pass*
Leon: DONE! And in record time!
Puzzle: ACTUALLY, I've been solved in—
Leon *walks away*
Leon: Ashley must be in here.
Leon *opens door*
Ashley: NO! DON'T COME THIS WAY!
Leon: CAN it, Wesker.
Ashley: NOOO!
Leon: Why are you freaking out when you can see I'm not like the Creepers?
Ashley: NOOOOOO!
Leon: Oh damnit. Listen, the President sent me to get you.
Ashley: My f-father?
Leon: Great, you have a stutter, too. Come on.
Leon *calls Hunnigan*
Leon: Guess who I've got with me?
Hunnigan: Good, I'll send a chopper to this place outside the village. Hurry up,
Hunnigan *hangs up*
Leon: A thank you would have been nice. Come on, troll, let's go.
Leon *jumps down ladder and starts to walk away*
Ashley: Where are you going, Leon?
Leon: I'm…what are you doing? Jump!
Ashley: Where are you going, Leon?
Leon: Oh God, I have to CATCH you?
Leon *catches Ashley*
Leon: Now let's GO—
Emperor Palpatine: I'll take the girl.
Leon: No way! I saw what you did to Anakin!
Emperor Palpatine: …what are you talking about?
Leon: I won't fall for your tricks, Pal-patine!
Emperor Palpatine: …I'm Saddler.
Leon: Oh. What do you want?
Saddler: To demonstrate our AWE-some power!
Leon: …the power that makes people's heads explode into things that can be killed by the flash of a camera?
Saddler: Yes. Wait, NO! Don't mock the power!
Leon: That guy with the power coming out of his neck is pretty dead. And I took his gold, too.
Saddler: …well we put Creeper eggs in you and Dogface over there. So suck on THAT!
Leon: …you put WHAT in me?
Saddler: EGGS! And soon, when they hatch, you will both be my PUPPETS!
Leon: …and to think, if only you guys had TV, stuff like this could all be avoided.
Saddler: Enough!
Monks with crossbows *enter*
Leon: So…you're going to have them kill us after you just said Ashley needed to be alive in order for your plan to work?
Saddler: YES! Diabolical and clever, no?
Leon: No.
Leon *busts through a window with Ashley*
Leon: Oh, so you can jump out a freakin' window, but you can't jump down a ladder?
Ashley: I have special powers in cutscenes.
Leon: Oh.
END OF SECTION 2-1